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Matters in Love

What really matters in love? Truly?

At the end of the effing day, when it is all said and done — what’s left?

What actually matters?

I keep circling back to this phrase: the full package.
But what does that even mean?

It’s hard to say when there are different types of love.

Love from mother to child.
Love from friend to friend.
Love from person to object.
Love from person to God.
Sibling love.
Romantic love.

You name it…
but what is IT?

Does love have a core?
Are these just branches on the same sprawling tree?

Is it a feeling?
An experience?
An idea?
An act?
An expression?
A combination of these?
A thing which cannot be explained in words?

GAHHH.

Why are we humans so complicated?
Is that part of the fun?

Relationships can be complicated.

When we love, we ache to keep it. We lay claim: my boyfriend, my partner, my person. And in that claiming, fear creeps in. We don’t want to lose them. We don’t want to see them laughing in the corner with someone else. So we make rules. We get jealous. We clutch tight.

Maybe that’s just where we are in our evolution. Still learning. Still human. Still attached.

And still, I wonder: at the core, what is it we really want?
Connection?
Safety?
Something else?

Some say love is a drug. Taste it once, and suddenly you’re hooked. Restless, aching, feening for another hit. You find yourself staring at your phone waiting for that text to come through. One little buzz, that name flashing on your screen and the rush floods in; sharp, fast, like a bump of cocaine.

“I miss you” they say.
You feel high.

But that’s it. No follow up. No change.
You feel low.

Oh, so low.


Sigh.
Hm…


Perhaps there isn’t one neat answer.

Life is too dynamic, too wild, too fluid to be contained by a single defining answer. What may be true today may be false tomorrow. Someone can say “I love you” today and drop you tomorrow. In the wise words of Snoop Dog, “It do be like that sometimes.”

Perhaps love is less of a one size fits all answer but more an art. Perhaps it’s not a thing we can shove into a neat little box slapped with a label that says “love is THIS.” Perhaps it’s more a force that can’t be contained. Perhaps it takes many forms, many names, many flavors, many sounds, many textures, many shapes.

And somehow, all of them different yet all of them true.

What a ride. What a ride.



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Avoidant?

His named rolled off my tongue like a marble, smooth and certain, echoing across his bright kitchen before returning to my ears like a familiar song. I couldn’t believe how natural and comfortable it felt. It’s is as if we’d been family all along. Like I’ve been there life times ago, and now a life time again.

—

Not too long ago my ex pinned me with a word: avoidant. Says I ought to look at myself more deeply as not to “run away” from love.

Is that what I am? An avoidant?
I thought I was just walking away from his chaos.
—

I remember my first kiss. I was about 12 years old. I thought this was it. I had found “love” the way it’s written in the fairy tales.

The boy never wanted to see me again.

Very quickly I learned that a kiss could actually mean nothing. It was less a doorway to love and more like a soap bubble: beautiful for a breath, then pop. Gone.

Rude awakening.

After that I became obsessed with kissing. I remember keeping a tally of the boys I had kissed. Each name gave me a little jolt of power. Proof I could kiss a boy and not care. That I could be nonchalant. Detached. Almost smug. Julian, Danny…it doesn’t matter. Next.


Later, as an adult, I had many relationships, most of which I ended myself. Strangely, the ones that never became anything were the ones that gripped me the most. The intoxicating cycle of chase, touch but never quite catch is like the violent rush and crash of an amphetamine. I’m alive! Electric and devastated all in the same. Mmm. Ow. I’m awakened by the wreck and feening for more.

So naturally, when I think about settling with one person it starts to feel crowded, like the walls are closing in. It reeks of routine: sameness, monotony, the tired little “How was work?” at the end of each day. God, is this it? Does the adventure end here? How unbearably dull.

On the same token there is nothing but a desire to be with the one who makes getting smothered by walls all the rave. That’s the thing about feelings, sometimes they make no sense. You can want and not want something paradoxically so.
—

So fast forward back to you. Back to your kitchen. Back to the sound of your name ricocheting off the walls. Back to all the ways you are kind, thoughtful, intelligent, sweet, caring.

But still…

Something doesn’t feel whole. Like a thousand-piece puzzle with the very center piece missing. An absence you can’t look away from. Bummer.

Does that mean I’m avoidant?
Or could it mean that I simply haven’t found you yet?

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Stay

It’s easier to walk away than to stay the course when it gets hard.
But I am learning that emotions are a dangerous place to build anything solid on.

Life gets hard. It’s not all happy. It’s not all easy. As much as I’ll be the first to say I’m all about the magic, now I’m wise enough to know there is another side to this coin — the cold hard, facts of reality. Ouch, does it hurt.

Will you stay only when the days are good? When the sun is out and everyone is dancing and there is plenty? Or will you stay when it actually matters — when the thunderstorms block out the sunshine, when there’s no one out to play, and when now there is less than enough?

It is easy to stay when there’s laughter. When there’s joy. When there’s fun. It’s not easy to stay when there’s pain, when there’s loss, when reality blocks out the magic.

You will get sick one day. You will be sad. You will lose the spark. You will feel pain. And that is when we need each other the most. That is when it matters to stay. To say “I’m right here. You don’t have to be okay. You don’t have to be happy. You don’t have to put on a show. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to be anything or do anything. I’m right here.”

Oh, what a love. A love that stays. A love that stays in the good days and the bad, in the in between, in the mundane.

I’ll be with you on the highs. I’ll be with you on the lows. I’ll be with you in the messy middle. I’ll be with you in the mundane. I’ll be with you when it’s sunshine, I’ll be with you when it rains. I’ll be with you in your weakness, I’ll be with you in your strength. I’ll be with you when you’re lost and have no clue what you’re doing. I won’t give up just because it’s hard. I won’t give up just because it’s suddenly inconvenient, suddenly it isn’t fun. No. I will stay.

—

I am finding that this gift of staying is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. To be here even on the days you feel like a troll and wonder where the heck your youth has gone. In sickness and in health. In bounty or desert. I am right here. I am right there. I am not going anywhere. I am with you from the moment you were born and I will be with you until your last breath. I will not leave or abandon you. I am right here. I am right there.

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Let

Perhaps love is more about letting go than holding on.

But man, do I wish I could keep you.

Currently, I am learning that the most loving act is to let people be. Let them go if that is what they wish. Let them stay by their own free will.

Perhaps true love is not about forcing someone to stay. It’s not about convincing, manipulating, cajoling. It’s not about begging, hoping and praying. It’s about letting. Let it happen. Let it be.

Perhaps this is the greatest gift we can give another. To allow them to find their own happiness, even if it’s not with you. To allow them to be full — without you. To allow them freedom to truly be who they are without judgment. Perhaps it’s simply sitting with them with your full presence without wanting to take or give or do anything more but allow them the agency to make their own choices — even if that choice has nothing to do with you.

Oh what a love. A love that is simply present. Allowing. Graceful. Grounded. Poised. Unwanting. Unafraid. Trusting. Unattached to the outcome. Okay no matter what.

Oof.

Man, does it hurt. Does it hurt to let go. Does it hurt to detach. But only at first.

I hold space for this pain. I sit with it. I honor it. I don’t numb it, hide or distract from it. I breathe into it. I give it my love. “I am right here.” “I am right here with you.”

I fill myself with my own love. My own attention. My own care. My own shakti. I let it be. I let it all be because I realize I am already whole. I am already free. And I can let you just be.

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Carried

I’m trying not to get carried away but I’m already on Mars.

In my mind we already have babies, a large kitchen where the bread is delightfully baking in the oven, and fresh eggs from our very own chickens. I don’t even want kids, but this is where my fantasy is taking me today.

I could see you chopping wood for our fire. I could see you happily repairing little things around the home and I am just so proud of you. Mmmm. Life feels peaceful, soft, safe.

I want to melt deeper into softness. I want to be gentle with myself. I don’t want to rush anywhere. I don’t want to live in fear or lack. I want to feel abundant. Abundant in love, joy, health, peace and the presence of God – even if God is just a figment of my imagination– I want this all loving, all encompassing energy to have a home in my body. I want to see beauty all around. Flowers. Butterflies. The smell of fresh grass. I want to bring love to all I do. I want to bring love to you. I want to hear you talk for hours without ever interrupting you. I want to respect you. To trust you. To feel happy with you.

What does it take to bring this vision to life? Is it something that just happens naturally or something you consciously create? A mixture of both?

I suppose you need a willing partner. A partner who evokes this type of vibration in you. It isn’t forced. It isn’t fake. It isn’t “trying” to make something work. It just IS aligned. It is real. It is happening. It is true.

And I don’t know that I’ve found you yet.

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Attraction

Just because someone is magnetically attractive, their smile and eyes make you want to melt and their pheromones make you want to strip away your clothes, doesn’t mean they’re a good fit for you as a life partner. For a relationship to work, there needs to be more than attraction. Attraction can only go so far. There also needs to be shared values, genuine care, emotional availability, maturity, mutual effort, reciprocity, respect and compatibility.

When the spark happens with someone it’s as if you become drunk by a delicious cocktail of hormones that can easily blur your vision of what the reality is. For a romantic like me this hypnotic delirium can be even worse. Suddenly I’m in wonderland. Suddenly I’m in heaven. 

But you can’t actually get to heaven with just anybody. No sooner or later the reality hits. The person is unavailable, chaotic, addicted, troubled and always late. You start to see the red roses are actually red flags. This is when attraction alone becomes dangerous. When you’re staying, analyzing, trying and hoping the person will be who you wish they could be. Wishing they would match the fantasy. Forcing a square peg in a round hole.

This is why love is not enough. 

Love is beautiful. And you deserve it deeply and fully. 

But what’s also important is all the other attributes that make a relationship a complete package. 

It has to be both love and it also has to work. There has to be more substance. 

So if you’re connecting to someone right now who you know isn’t a fit — listen to that! Don’t force what isn’t right because you’ll waste your time and get hurt along the journey. 

I know we can’t help it sometimes. The drug is too strong. But SOBER yourself up enough to realize that for a relationship to work there has to be more than only attraction. Just because someone is cute isn’t enough. Just because someone has a nice body and you connect well in bed for a few hours (or minutes even!) 👏 that is not enough 👏!! 

Hello 👏

👏 Snap out of this hypnosis 👏

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! 

Attraction is NOT enough 

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Boredom

I’ve been exploring this feeling of boredom. It’s a feeling I get from time to time when I crave more excitement, more stimulation. I want to be in multiple places at once. I wish I could both be responsible and wildly carefree. I wish I could be dancing in a crowd but also quietly writing a book.

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck because I’ve fallen into the same old patterns – the same routines.
Life becomes predictable.

I like the predictable. It feels safe and safe feels good.

But then I also get bored. I wish for spontaneity. I want to do something out of the norm. Something that makes me feel euphoric. Alive.

I’m in a relationship but sometimes I wish I were single. Able to just go out into the night to get myself into whatever adventurous shenanigans the moment may have to offer.

Then I think about the comfort of a companion. The nice feeling of having “accomplishments.” Healthy habits. Saving for retirement. Thinking about the bigger picture, my desire to help society.

Can I have it all?

Sometimes I just wanna fade. Melt into the ether. Lay on top of a jeep on a REI mattress waving my hand in the air underneath the stars in the deserts of California on a perfectly warm night. It would be nice if you were there. It would be nice to hear your philosophies. Do you think God is watching us? Do you think aliens exist? Do you think there is life beyond this?

I’d like to go to Burning Man some day.

I’d like to explore more of my freedom. More of myself. More of who I am. More of who you are.

I find humans to be curious creatures. We are so silly sometimes.

I am a ball of emotions. Sadness, joy, anger, fear, peace, rage, boredom. All the things…

What a wild ride. What an experience. What a life. What a world. Just wow. Contemplating it all blows me away every time. It reminds me not to become apathetic, even though I’ve had moments of that too.

I don’t want to lose sight of the magic.
I don’t want to lose sight of hope.
I don’t want to lose sight of love, beauty, faith, joy, all that’s good.

May we be the best humans we can be and may we co-create a good world we are happy to wake up to. Just one big ol’ party. What more epic thing to make of this experience? One big fun, adventurous party!!

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Wish

I wish it were you…

I text came through

I wish it were you

and again it wasn’t

I’m looking at my phone again to see if anything changes, like opening the fridge for the 3rd time in hopes of finding something good but there ain’t nothing but some condiments and the quinoa you’ve made 6 days ago

What’s gotten into me?
Love.

I’m having these moments where I’m feeling high off life again. I can feel myself vibrating at a higher frequency. I can feel my connection to you and to the oneness of all there is. It’s so delicious.

I’m so damn ready to quantum leap.

Like f*3k playing small and being so dense

I wanna be electric
Magnetic
In flow ✨🌊

I want my chakras open
My energy aligned

I wanna draw you closer
I wanna dance
Sing
Play
Laugh
Cry

I wanna emanate abundance and give back to the needing places of the world

I wanna spread a message of love, peace, joy, freedom, health and all that’s good

I wanna LIVE AWAKENED

I wanna burst with bliss and deep pleasure, ecstasy and enjoyment of this paradoxical, wild, beautiful, sad, bittersweet world

GAHHHH

I want it so bad

but for now…

I must wait

wait until the stars align, the clocks bring us together and maybe you’ll text

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Stars

I looked up at the stars tonight and thought of you

I took a deep breath of the cool late night air and for a moment it’s as if I could feel you

You came into my life out of nowhere
I didn’t think I’d ever see you again

What a curious encounter.
What weird timing.

I don’t feel like I’m mature enough.
Mature to give you what you want and need.

I’m still afraid. I’m still insecure. Like a little girl. I’m shy. Squirmish. I’m still playing oh so small.

And I’m kinda pissed about it. I’m mad at myself because I’m not growing fast enough. I’m not living at the highest embodied version of myself.

I feel locked and oppressed. Sometimes heavy. Dense. My light is dim.

This doesn’t just impact me, but it also impacts my ability to lift more people. I can’t pour from an empty cup.

But that’s gotta change.

I want to be in your frequency. I want to be in your world. Even if it’s just for a little while.

They say when you meet “the one” you would know. Do you believe there is a “the one” out there for you? The one who makes it all make sense? The one who feels like home? The one who feels “right”? Like “yesss— THIS!”

The one who you feel at peace with even in silence. Where you feel safe, seen, understood and heard? The one you could lay your head on their shoulder and talk with for hours about the mysteries of the universe?

Is that person real?

I’d love to make you an avocado toast
and a yogurt bowl topped with fresh fruits we picked from the garden

I’d like for the day to move slowly
For the birds to happily chirp
For the windows to be big, bright and the ceilings tall

I’d like to feel healthy and vibrant
connected to the Universe

True peace

Heaven on Earth

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