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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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relationships

Come Home To You

There has always been a longing to find someone or something out there to make me whole. Complete me. Validate me.

But I am beginning to shift. There is this deep longing to come home to myself. To accept myself. To live in peace with myself. To approve myself. To simply connect to my breath. To my own existence without needing anything more to fulfill me.

From a very young age I had long term relationships. I was married at 18. It lasted 5 years.

I transitioned straight into another long term relationship.

And then another.

For a large portion of my life I had built my identity on the basis of being with someone. And for the short time where I wasn’t with someone I kept searching for someone.

I haven’t yet learned to just be with myself. To be without searching for someone outside of me to comfort me. To be by me. To make me feel okay. Validated. More whole.

I want this. I want to come home to me.

Written In The Stars?

Sometimes I entertain the idea that maybe things are “meant” to be. Though, I have no idea what’s really going on.

But when it comes to you I can’t help but wonder. It’s like the universe said, “You have to meet this person. I don’t care if I have to bring you 3,000 miles across the country to a very specific place because you were too blind to meet at the other 5 places you both happen to be standing in.”

Comical.

Timing. It’s a thing.

The story about people coming into our lives for a reason, season, or lifetime comes to mind when I think of you. Where do you fit?

Regardless of what happens I want to wish you well for as long as I live. I’m simply glad to have met you. I’m excited and curious to see how the story unfolds.

I’ve been known to go from 0-100 in my relationships, but for the first time I’m just enjoying the ride and learning the value in sharing space with someone without the need to make it into anything more than what it is in the moment.

 

Is It Me? Or Is It You?

I can’t quite tell if it’s me or if it’s you.

Who’s making me feel not quite right. Not quite at ease.

It feels as if I have one foot forward one foot back. Like I can’t let go of the railing for fear that I may end up falling but with only the ground to catch me.

There’s this unspoken sense that I’m not quite enough. Where am I getting this from? Is it me or is it you?

Am I feeling this way because something within me needs to change or because you’re triggering me to feel this way?

I don’t always like the way I feel around you. The shy, uneasy, insecure parts of me shine most when you’re near.

But it gives me opportunity to practice. To practice not giving a fuck. Because how else will I learn?

I’m at this weird tipping point where it feels like I need to make a more clear decision about us. My hunch is that I need to step away.  But then I go back and forth on the matter.

Maybe I need to chill the fuck out and stop being so emotional, needy, and insecure.
Wouldn’t that be nice?

I think having emotions and needs is normal, though.
I also think we all feel insecure from time to time. It’s called being “human.”

I think what I’m really trying to say is that I need to better manage my shit.

I’m also super hard on myself.

Radical self-acceptance. That’s what my life coach said I need.

That’ll be my daily practice.

Lonely Next to You

You could be laying next to someone and still feel lonely. Disconnected. Unloved.

Which I think points to the fact that loneliness and being alone are different.

You could be alone and not feel lonely.

I think I’m being pointed back to the same lesson.

But its taken some time for it to fully sink in.

Sometimes we ignore our hunches.

We know intuitively that something/someone isn’t quite right for us. But we keep trying to make it work. Trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Trying to fit the slipper in the wrong foot. Hoping that maybe just a little more time, just a little more investment will do the trick.

We leave disappointed every time. Tired from unreciprocated efforts.

Eventually someone else comes around and reminds you of how you should be treated. You KNOW the difference. You observe the difference.

They call. They ask about your day. They remember the details. They go beyond.

And then you think to yourself “Oh! Right! That’s exactly how it should feel like!”

And then the sick part of you goes “Why doesn’t s/he do what this person’s doing?”

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And if we don’t get out of this mindset fast we start going into the dark hole of “Why aren’t I good enough?” Or “What can I do to win this person?”

Fuck that.

You don’t have to win anybody.

Don’t go on living to try to be enough for someone.

And don’t wait for someone who isn’t all there to make up their mind about you.

Be with someone who is 100% all in.

Who won’t make you feel like you have to convince them that you’re good enough.

Know your worth. Know that you deserve someone who loves you like you love them.

But even then that doesn’t mean you’re permanently free from feeling lonely.

Sometimes loneliness hits even when you have all of that love you crave. Or even when you’re surrounded by people.

But I’ll talk more about that next time.

 

 

Intimacy

I thought I wanted a relationship, but then the thought of being with one person and losing my freedom doesn’t so much appeal to me. More the latter than the former.

I guess it’s not a relationship that I’m sensing some resistance to but more so a traditional, standard relationship, as most people would understand a relationship to have to be.

Traditional relationships come with rules. Do’s and don’ts.
(Like no texting or talking to other people)

I don’t wanna feel like I answer to anyone. Like there’s some shadow figure watching me and I need to now change how I behave simply because we decided to spend more time together.

Those are just some of the factors that turn me off about traditional relationships.

I would definitely need to amend some of the standard ways of relating in order to feel truly happy. 

Moreover, I seem to have an issue with really getting comfortable with someone.

Let them see me. 
Truly.
Farts and all.

How do I get comfortable enough that I could be myself and truly feel okay?

I slept over a guy’s house the other evening and there was a point in time where I had to fart. I didn’t let it out. That’d be embarrassing. Terrible. How dare I be human?

So what am I gonna do? Hold in my farts forever?

What about when I get a pimple on my face? 
You’d see it.
Or how long it takes for me to blow dry my hair.
You’d know it.

Intimacy…

How does one become comfortable with another?

How does one become okay with being themselves in front of another?

I feel like I should be able to answer this.
I was married for 5 years.

And I don’t remember having an issue with intimacy back then.

The issue I did have, however, is that I couldn’t be faithful. Which goes back to how I originally started this post – with not being sure I could be with only one person and that I need my freedom.

Maybe I’m poly.

But not in the sense that I just want to sleep with a bunch of people. I feel like a lot of people mistake poly for  like a big orgy party or something. I’d recommend they watch Conor & Brittany on YouTube. 

I mean poly in the sense that I am open. I don’t want to stop living and experiencing simply because I am now relating with someone often. 
I want the door to always remain open for whatever happens. This would be a mutual understanding.

I still have to workout some of this confusion as I go, experience, learn and grow.

I primarily want to grow comfortable enough in my skin and with someone where I feel like I can fart and pop a pimple and still be loved. And secondly, be free as a bird and still be loved. All while giving that same kind of love back. A loving, reciprocal and symbiotic relationship that isn’t suffocated by rules.

Yeah… something like that.

Memories

Sometimes the memory of you surfaces above my subconscious where I tightly stuffed the records of you, double shutting the lid covered in bold red tape I’ve labeled “KEEP OUT.”

I pause —

Everything pauses.

All but blurry images of us that unravel in my mind like a movie.
Stop. Fast forward. Rewind. Repeat.
Slow–motion–play.

The commentary that comes to mind when I think of you is something along the lines of “What the fuck was that? What was the purpose of our worlds colliding? Was I supposed to learn something from this? Why did you appear to bruise me? To scar me?”

I pause in search of the answer —

Silence.

At times in my head I imagine scenarios where some future circumstance magically unites our paths. We’re older now. Different. Molded. Morphed into something new by the experiences that shaped us. The look exchanged in our eyes are more mature. And in this moment it all makes sense. I finally understand. You finally understand. And there is peace.

Better Alone Than Shitted On

In the glorious words of Whitney Houston, “Close the door behind you leave your key. I rather be alone than unhappy.” 

I realize more clearer than ever that it is better to be alone than to be in the company of people who make you feel like straight up shit. Why kill yourself to please or give your time to people who make you feel insecure, unwanted, stupid, not good enough, self-conscious, and awkward?
Never again do I want to do that.
Ever.
I feel like being cliché right now and saying something along the lines of “sometimes the mind just needs more time to accept what the heart already knows.”
I’ve been trying to rationalize the fuck out of a relationship that my heart already knew wasn’t good for me. I already felt like this person wasn’t making me feel good about myself. I already sensed that he made me feel insecure, stupid, undesirable, not good enough, awkward, self-conscious, and overall uncomfortable. Yet despite all the negative emotions this person triggers in me I still decided to spend more time with him.
Why do I do this sometimes? Not listen to my feelings? Try to talk myself out of what I feel?
Sigh.
No more, dude.
No more allowing people into my life who don’t make me feel loved, accepted, enough, and supported.
It’s insanity to do anything else! It’s insanity to spend time with people who don’t show you the care, love, respect, and appreciation you undoubtedly deserve. No more spending time with selfish assholes who make you feel not enough. I deeply realize I would much rather be alone than with someone who consistently makes me feel like an idiot, hideous troll scavenging through smelly garbage underneath a dirty bridge somewhere.
TAKE ME OFF THAT SUBSCRIPTION!
Be with people who adore you!!
Be with people whose glance mirror in their beeming eyes the perfect truth of who you really are – and YOU ARE: Mesmorizing, worthy of love and respect, beautiful, smart, capable, and ENOUGH in every way. Anyone who doesn’t reflect this truth back to you is clearly not someone you need around you!
Facts.
💜

POLYAMORY

I cannot tell you how much the concept of polyamory has cracked the walls surrounding my beliefs and ideas on relationships.

The idea that we are truly free and that no one has ownership or power over our person is fully liberating.

I’ve been watching a lot of videos by Conor and Brittany on YouTube. Here is one of their videos that have inspired me and opened my mind even though some resistance and fear yells and claws at me in the background:

 

So much inner chatter comes up for me as I breakdown old beliefs and begin to understand how to relate beyond the standard programming.

How can I learn to truly let go and embrace real freedom? Freedom from possessing? Embracing the fact that nothing and no one belongs to me but we instead meet as full beings in this plane of existence where for some time we are able to share space with one another in connection.

Connection is not possession.

You are free, dear one. You are free to experience life in all its forms without limits. I do not impose limits on you based on my insecurities and fear. I breathe into my insecurities and perceived lack. I learn to heal my own wounds without burdening you.

I am free.

You are free.

We are free. And we are love. Full, whole, complete in and of ourselves. And it’s from this space of wholeness that we meet and connect without pressure, without rules, without labels and without fear.

 

I have still so much to learn.

 

 

 

*image credit to Pinterest/learningpoly.com

To F*ckboys

Fuck you.
Fuck you for doing the samba all over my heart.
For making me think this meant more on your part.
For lying and playing games with my mind.
For taking for granted my kindness, my time.
For making me second guess my own worth,
Every time your call never arrived,
Every time your love was denied.

But I blame myself too.
Because it always takes two.
And I was a fool. Blinded by infatuation.
Making excuses against my intuition.
Jumping through hoops just for a crumb,
Texting you first though it made me feel dumb.
Clinging on to false hope,
Addicted, and you were the dope.
I betrayed my own self just to give you a chance,
And you stomped on my heart with your samba dance.

So Fuck you.
Fuck you, Fuckboy.

You don’t deserve my attention.
I’ve placed you in eternal detention.
I’ve learned to put myself first.
I don’t care if you’re dying of thirst.
I’m moving on now.
I’m better off now.
And I’ve learned my lesson.

*image credit to thatonerule.com

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