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Control

You don’t control if someone loves you

You don’t control if someone stays

I know the tendency is to be hyper vigilant
To want to monitor
To want to be on the lookout for if the person is going to slip, cheat, hide something, lie, do something you wouldn’t want them to do

but is that how you want to live?
If someone is going to do something they want to do, your vigilance isn’t going to make it stop

it’s better to talk about it, in a healthy way
to ask direct questions

To share openly and honestly

to acknowledge that nothing and no one is yours

nothing and no one belongs to you

you are borrowing everything and everything in this life is temporary

you get to experience things and people and events temporarily

everything is slipping away from you each second

and eventually you die

that is what happens

you and this person you’re obsessed with are both going to die

and so will everyone you love and care about

and so will your pets

Everything will pass away eventually

so… what’s the point of freaking out about something that is inevitably going to end anyway?

I don’t mean to get all dark on you

it’s just a reality

We don’t talk about these things but unless you can transfer your consciousness to a robot body or if there is an after life (which who really knows what that’s really like), you will die and all things will change and pass away — right or wrong?

All this is to say… ALLOW what IS to be

Learn to detach and let go when it’s time

Enjoy things and life while you can, as often as you can, for as long as you can

Deal with things with more grace

Hold yourself with more composure

which isn’t to say it isn’t painful

it’s painful if your significant other cheats, lies, flirts with someone else

it’s painful when people pass away

it’s painful when we lose what we love

honor the pain

cry, journal about it, get therapy, feel the hormones course through your body sending uncomfortable signals all through your system — stomach clench, heart race, rage, sadness, powerlessness, ego punched in the face

life sometimes is also like this — merciless, dark, painful, void

But it’s also full of beauty, forgiveness, rebirth, understanding, revival — love.

You gotta take the good with the bad

and realize you don’t always have control

yes sometimes you are powerless and life will bring you to your knees — but not always

Sometimes we just have to surrender

surrender to what IS

We can’t argue with what is and trying to control it and force it to be different isn’t going to change it

you can always talk about it — you can always try

try to make the best of it, try to find the best way forward

but if something isn’t

then — it isn’t

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Laundry

Every now and then I think of you

like today when I got a whiff of the way your laundry smelled

not all laundry smells the same
yours always smelled distinctly good…

Sometimes the memories just pop back up

Your tall ceilings
drinking morning coffee while we sun bathed in your yard
tender moments in the shower
your cool red lamp and the smell of palo santo
the depth of your soul
the width of your mind
playing music in your office room
playing cards
your laugh that didn’t happen all that easily so when it did it was extra special
exploring consciousness
dropping into the body in ways I hadn’t done before
your exquisite home cooked meals
talented creations & artistry
your amazing dog
and comfortable, lux sofa.

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me too.
If so, when?

When you’re lonely and wish you hadn’t let me go?
When you’re having so much fun that you’re glad you let me go?
In passing?

Not like it even matters.

I hope you’re happy now


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true love?

When I said “I like this song” … he turned up the volume
and when I was cold… he offered his sweater

have you ever for a moment looked into the eyes of someone else and saw everything you wanted staring back at you…

yet though you were excited you were actually more afraid?

“Does saying yes to this mean saying no to all the other possibilities? Is this really what I want? Is this the right person for me?”

I once heard a love coach say we should settle ON someone, not FOR someone

there will always be other options…

Like going to an ice cream shop and being presented with so many flavors — you eventually have to make a choice on what to order.

I kind of think about a long term partner like that… we eventually have to say yes to someone if we are going to want to relate deeply.

I don’t know…

Do I even want a relationship?
This is the first time I started to learn to enjoy my own company outside of anybody else. And it’s actually been really nice growing more into this “self focused” version of me.

maybe we don’t have to have all the answers right away
maybe we can just let time lead the way

I think the key is in finding balance
keeping yourself whole without losing yourself in another – avoiding codependency

not rushing into a decision

letting time reveal more of the way
while communicating openly and honestly

staying open to love

~*~*~*~*~

we drove off into the morning sun and for a moment I could feel as if I could live into everything I have imagined

we don’t realize that our dreams are fantasies are truly possible until we allow ourselves to feel into it and live it

yet what I noticed is that feeling good all the time kind of scares me
and that fear and hesitation brings me back to earth, back to reality

there is something to be said about this “being in vibration” and being in a certain “frequency”.

I have been noticing my frequency change

and for a moment it’s almost like I am moving closer into heaven… but I can’t sustain it… and I am brought back down

down into my human body with my fears and limitations
with my doubts

my existential crisis

and again, I am alone




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Memory

I still think of you from time to time

sometimes memories are triggered without invite

Like today… when I glanced over the dish rack and noticed I lined up the plates the way you would…

or occasionally when dubstep shuffles it’s way into my playlist…

and from time to time when I reflect on the mistakes I’ve made and how I could have been better

or when I regret staying for so long when early on I could already tell it probably wouldn’t work

I’m sorry for not being perfect.
Thank you for the lessons.
Thank you for the good memories despite the bad ones.

I wish you well…

~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes I get the urge to text you to tell you you can still count on me…
sometimes I want to tell you about things I’m learning…
sometimes I wanna send you funny things I see on the internet and wish we could still talk

but then I’m like nah fuck that,
because there is still this little part of me that is upset by the bullshit you put me through – which technically is the bullshit I was the one who kept accepting — so who is really to blame?

*sigh*

I guess maybe I’m not yet fully healed from it
and in some ways I feel like the bullshit was necessary for me to learn to do better and be better

I hope you are doing better too

despite the bullshit, I still love you
not like a lover now… but like a human and a friend


the memory of your smile is one of my favorites and I hope you are smiling a lot out there…

…..

sigh

it’s weird when you have let go of someone you love…

:’-(

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Self-esteem

You are your guarantee

Your value does not come from another, your value comes from YOU

You decide your worth – not someone else

You have inherent value – you belong
If it were not so, you would not be here

The fact that you exist is already proof that life itself wants you here

But beyond the philosophical stuff
On a practical day to day sense — you need to learn to work on your self esteem so that you don’t put your worth and or sense of peace on the hands of another person

If everyone were to like you but you didn’t like you – what good would that really do? Your experience would still suck because you are rejecting yourself

If everyone didn’t like you, but you didn’t care and you liked yourself and still felt okay within yourself, then it wouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks because your sense of peace, joy, and feeling okay is not dependent – it is inherent and independent

On a more realistic sense —

Some people will like you and some people will not — and it doesn’t mean there is something inherently wrong with you

Not everyone likes chocolate cake – yet chocolate cake is delicious (to me, and to others who think the same)
Not everyone likes sea food (I’m not a huge fan of sea food – some people love it)

Not everyone likes the cold weather – some people enjoy the cold

Some people don’t like cilantro, some people do
Some people don’t like horror movies, some people do

Do you get it?

And honestly, if people were to give each other a chance they would probably find something in common to vibe about. I would say it’s probably rare to entirely dislike someone if you haven’t even given yourself a chance to get to know them at least on some common level.

We all have things in common
and I am sure if we gave each other at least a chance we would see that we could find there is at least one thing to like about each other (but anyway, that is also another topic)

Here is the point I am making:
Learn to like and accept yourself and stop needing someone else to accept and like you in order to feel okay with yourself

Work on your self-esteem
Work on your personal development
Work on your self care
Work on developing your skills
Work on your hobbies
Make friends with people who share your interests
Expand your connections
Work on your mindset

Stop thinking that you NEED a relationship in order to be okay – you don’t
You can be fine single and you can learn to enjoy your own company

When you enjoy your own company you will not be desperate for another to fulfill you because you will already be fulfilled on your own

a relationship gets to be a choice and you get to invite the right partner into your life
a partner who is equally invested in you and who is a compatible fit

Take care of yourself first

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Guarantee

You are your only guarantee
Everyone else is an external factor

when you were born, you were there
and at every moment of every day until the end of your life, you are the one who will always be there

people will come and go
places will come and go
things will change

some people may leave you because they no longer love you or wish to be in your life
some will leave you because they die
some will exit for whatever other circumstance

get comfortable with your own company
stop trying to seek someone else to make you feel happy, loved and okay
learn to enjoy your own company
learn to be okay with your own presence

you do not need a relationship in order to be okay


be okay on your own
this way you can invite people into your life out of true desire rather than a need to escape your loneliness

spend time on your hobbies
invest in your personal development and career
read a book
take a class
find a recipe and cook something new
have a self care practice
write a blog
make time to spend with people who nourish you and make you feel seen, accepted, loved

remember that you are your only guarantee and you are the one who will be with you 24/7, 365 until death — make peace and friends with yourself

learn to be comfortable in your body
learn to be comfortable in your life
learn to feel safe and okay with yourself
(not in an arrogant I don’t need nobody typa way, but in a healthy “I feel at ease with myself and my life” typa way) and from this energy go out and make connections, enjoy your life

let go of the desperate need to have someone else complete you
you already are complete
you are your guarantee
everyone and everything else outside you will come and go,
until eventually you go too
(RIP)

it’s all temporary
make the best of it
enjoy your own company and consequently the right people will come into your life to add to it

when you treat yourself right and feel okay with yourself it’s easy to spot bad relationships and people who aren’t healthy for you — because you already know your standard and you are already okay on your own

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Open?

So far in my life all of my romantic relationships have lasted an average of like 3 years…

I have learned that just because something isn’t “forever” or for a lifetime doesn’t mean that it isn’t meaningful. Relationships don’t have to last a lifetime in order for them to be beautiful, important, and exactly what we needed them to be while they lasted.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of open relationships…

Would I ever want a dynamic like this?

Right now I’m in a place in life where for the first time ever I don’t want a relationship

I’ve been in and out of relationships since I was like 16 years old
I’m 33 now

Don’t you think it’s time for me to just be at PEACE on my own without needing to be with another?
I think it’s much needed

Like, who am?
What do I like?
And if I’m loud who cares — I don’t need your approval
This is my face, this is my body, this is my personality — TA DA
(Not saying this in an arrogant “my way or the high way, I don’t need nobody and don’t make compromises” typa way) I’m saying this in a more gentle “I accept myself and your acceptance is great but not needed for me to feel okay” typa way…

I feel like I’m in a time where I finally just want to focus all of my attention on me (and what a relief to get to this point, because I’ve been trying to find the “right” boy since I basically came out of the womb)

but I am wondering… If I ever do decide to lay my attention on another again, could I ever really be with just ONE person — for the rest of my life?

I don’t know

Right now I am feeling open
Open to exploring
Open to allowing things to unfold without needing to pin them down or make them into anything

I am open to BEING…

The other day I kissed a girl
There’s that

I feel like there’s a world inside me on the topic of self worth, value and relationships I want to share with you soon…. but for today I’ll just leave it at this, open ended






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Come Home To You

There has always been a longing to find someone or something out there to make me whole. Complete me. Validate me.

But I am beginning to shift. There is this deep longing to come home to myself. To accept myself. To live in peace with myself. To approve myself. To simply connect to my breath. To my own existence without needing anything more to fulfill me.

From a very young age I had long term relationships. I was married at 18. It lasted 5 years.

I transitioned straight into another long term relationship.

And then another.

For a large portion of my life I had built my identity on the basis of being with someone. And for the short time where I wasn’t with someone I kept searching for someone.

I haven’t yet learned to just be with myself. To be without searching for someone outside of me to comfort me. To be by me. To make me feel okay. Validated. More whole.

I want this. I want to come home to me.

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Written In The Stars?

Sometimes I entertain the idea that maybe things are “meant” to be. Though, I have no idea what’s really going on.

But when it comes to you I can’t help but wonder. It’s like the universe said, “You have to meet this person. I don’t care if I have to bring you 3,000 miles across the country to a very specific place because you were too blind to meet at the other 5 places you both happen to be standing in.”

Comical.

Timing. It’s a thing.

The story about people coming into our lives for a reason, season, or lifetime comes to mind when I think of you. Where do you fit?

Regardless of what happens I want to wish you well for as long as I live. I’m simply glad to have met you. I’m excited and curious to see how the story unfolds.

I’ve been known to go from 0-100 in my relationships, but for the first time I’m just enjoying the ride and learning the value in sharing space with someone without the need to make it into anything more than what it is in the moment.

 

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