I want to find the person who feels like my whole world. Someone who makes me feel complete. As if everything else becomes optional because all I need and want is right here with you.
Anywhere with you feels perfect. Traffic? Perfect. The grocery store? Perfect. Walking down the same old street? Perfect.
Some might say “you have to find that in yourself” and sure, Carol, you’re probably right but after finding that in myself I’d love to find that with another too.
I think life feels better when shared. What is the point of having the whole world yet being alone?
—
Life has been such an interesting journey. This morning I was hiking in Idyllwild and for a moment could see fragments of my journey reflected in my minds eye like a movie. I recalled being a child in Brazil. I recalled arriving in the U.S and pretending to string English words together in the mirror. I flashbacked through my life up until this point, standing accomplished on 1900 elevation gain, resting against a rock next to a tall, chubby pine tree whose fine needles glowed elegantly in the sun. The air: cool, crisp, soft, silent. The view – magnificent. As I marveled at the scene I couldn’t help but feel this immense sense of awe for how far I’ve come. What a ride! What a privilege I’ve been given.
Thank you, life. Thank you.
Mmmm. Divine.
But where to from here?
—
Driving out into nature used to be my most favorite experience. Seeing the mountains would make me lose it. Obsessed. Enamored by God’s creations. I could linger forever. While this time around I still felt this sense of wonder, it was certainly dimmed. As if life is expecting something from me that I can’t get away from. Some unfinished business of sorts. Like a summons I keep ignoring. It’s as if this isn’t a season for wandering.
“You’ll be happier once you’ve answered the call.” That was the sense I received.
What call!?
It’s is as if life is asking me to become a different version of myself. It wants me focused. Productive. It wants me in service. But what service?
I feel painfully, yet wonderfully erratic. Volatile.
One day I have a carefully detailed plan, the next I am executing something completely different. It’s like I can’t be contained. I’m an artist. A lover. A dancer in the wind.
I know I want land and a home.
I also want to leave to Italy.
What really matters in the end anyway?
Lately I have been thinking perhaps: experiences.
A breadth and depth of experiences.
Health.
Freedom.
Awe.
Delight.
Magic.
Ahhhh….
Unleash me. Hold me.
I am hard to contain….
And I think I love that about me.
But anyway, back to this world I mentioned in the beginning.
I want it.
I want to just rest on your perfectly strong, warm, cozy shoulders.
You are home.
You are everything.
For a moment there I forgot who I was… like I had early amnesia except it looked more like being curled up in fetal position for hours and crying into my vanilla latte.
On the outside it looks great — sunny San Diego beach life, cozy cafes, bay walks, nature, books, clean sheets.
Inside? A tornado.
Yet, somehow, I lived through it.
As we approach the grand finale of the shit show that was 2025 I have nothing more to do than to bow to life for it’s elaborate, dramatic performance. “Namaste, bitch.” I am thoroughly surprised and speechless. Though I suppose not that speechless because here I am yapping about it.
I am very slowly starting to feel like myself again — a hopeless romantic, addicted to nostalgia and lost in the magic of life. I just want to drift away in unfettered abandon and land gently in the arms of a lover who may or may not exist but surely does in the cloud of my hopes.
Ahhh. Heaven.
Do you ever feel that? In love with someone you don’t even know yet?
Gahhh… whisk me away.
Anyway… I’ve been thinking some pretty negative thoughts and I don’t like it. I believe this has challenged my health a bit. Which is wild since this was the one thing I could say I had pretty dialed in and under control. But time is passing man. I just did my 37th lap around the sun. Whoa… who me!??
I don’t know how to be this woman I’m becoming. Who the heck is that staring at me in the mirror and where’d cute, little Laura go?
Now, suddenly I’m cranky and have the patience of a rabid raccoon.
But I am learning to love me. Not in an arrogant “I don’t need nobody” kind of way. Genuinely. Not a vain love. True love. Compassion. Fascination for the mere existence I’ve been given. I mean, I sort of always hovered around these themes — sometimes much much further away in the distance. But now I am moving closer to myself. Kindly. Unconditionally. Accepting my rhythm without judgment. Without rushing myself to some outcome. It’s still a messy project; a construction site with beams sticking out of the cracked foundation and unfinished wooden framing waiting patiently to be made into something stable. Solid. Complete.
Under construction…yep, that’s me.
Mmm…
Let’s rest here together as we contemplate love a little longer, shall we?
As we contemplate home.
I’ve been yearning for this sense of home, but not the kind that holds an address.
More a person who feels like home.
A person who feels like my whole world.
A bond so deep we don’t need much outside of each other.
Do you think that’s real? Does it exist?
Oh, how I wish I could turn back time and make better choices.
How I wish I could transcend.
How I wish it could be me, you, peace, our home and the dogs on the land.
How I wish we could wake up slowly.
Where each dawn by your side feels like a perfect eternity I am grateful to open my eyes in each day;
cozy, warm, soft, safe, indulgent.
How I wish we could unravel gently.
No place to rush to except your embrace.
No bills to worry over,
No lack,
No fear.
Joy.
true, delicious, juicy joy.
Savoring the moment. Mmm.
Excited by the adventure and the unfolding of life like two kids on the night before Christmas.
Trusting that it’s all in alignment.
Trusting we can take beautiful, bold, ecstatic leaps knowing in full faith the nets will appear – always, without fail. Knowing that even in moments of challenge we get to make the best of the adventure.
Knowing that we have each other, peace, love, life, and the land.
Oh, how I wish it were so.
What really matters in love? Truly?
At the end of the effing day, when it is all said and done — what’s left?
What actually matters?
I keep circling back to this phrase: the full package.
But what does that even mean?
It’s hard to say when there are different types of love.
Love from mother to child.
Love from friend to friend.
Love from person to object.
Love from person to God.
Sibling love.
Romantic love.
You name it…
but what is IT?
Does love have a core?
Are these just branches on the same sprawling tree?
Is it a feeling?
An experience?
An idea?
An act?
An expression?
A combination of these?
A thing which cannot be explained in words?
GAHHH.
Why are we humans so complicated?
Is that part of the fun?
Relationships can be complicated.
When we love, we ache to keep it. We lay claim: my boyfriend, my partner, my person. And in that claiming, fear creeps in. We don’t want to lose them. We don’t want to see them laughing in the corner with someone else. So we make rules. We get jealous. We clutch tight.
Maybe that’s just where we are in our evolution. Still learning. Still human. Still attached.
And still, I wonder: at the core, what is it we really want?
Connection?
Safety?
Something else?
Some say love is a drug. Taste it once, and suddenly you’re hooked. Restless, aching, feening for another hit. You find yourself staring at your phone waiting for that text to come through. One little buzz, that name flashing on your screen and the rush floods in; sharp, fast, like a bump of cocaine.
“I miss you” they say.
You feel high.
But that’s it. No follow up. No change.
You feel low.
Oh, so low.
Sigh.
Hm…
Perhaps there isn’t one neat answer.
Life is too dynamic, too wild, too fluid to be contained by a single defining answer. What may be true today may be false tomorrow. Someone can say “I love you” today and drop you tomorrow. In the wise words of Snoop Dog, “It do be like that sometimes.”
Perhaps love is less of a one size fits all answer but more an art. Perhaps it’s not a thing we can shove into a neat little box slapped with a label that says “love is THIS.” Perhaps it’s more a force that can’t be contained. Perhaps it takes many forms, many names, many flavors, many sounds, many textures, many shapes.
And somehow, all of them different yet all of them true.
What a ride. What a ride.
Sometimes I feel so much awe and gratitude for this epic life experience my heart wants to burst.
I’m fascinated.
Speechless.
There is so much that is already working. WOW.
You are all truly amazing. Works of art.
I am blown away by your talent. Your intelligence. Your creativity. Your genius.
GAHH.
Look at us.
Look how far we’ve come and how much we’ve done. I am basically an evolved ape typing on a computer. C’mon now. LOL what!? Don’t even get me started on the fact that we even exist in the first place.
I just want to fall in love and dance my heart away.
Take my hand ~ let’s love and dance.
A day without you feels like an eternity.
But I don’t want to get carried away.
I’ve done that and it led me to fall off a cliff I’m still licking the wounds from.
How do you remain balanced — centered, when all you want to do is get deeply lost in love?
To lose track of time and just rest my head on your shoulder while you tell me about your next business endeavor. I could listen forever.
I’m already getting carried away. Apparently I can’t help it… something about the way my astral chart is positioned apparently makes me “romantic and impractical.” #Thepattern. Sounds about right.
Anyway…I’m kinda mad. Mad that I am in a human body and not just floating in space like magical fairy dust.
These bodies just feel so dense and this world so full of nonsensical demands, I’m kinda over it.
How is it that with all our brilliance the best we’ve got is sick time, PTO, and bills?
Why aren’t our systems set up to support us to actually live? It breaks my heart seeing mothers who would want to raise their babies having to leave their babies to go do a job just to get by. Families being split up during the day when they would much rather be together, raising their babies.
Don’t get me started.
Anyway, I am dreaming up a non-profit. One where we volunteer our labor to construct each other’s homes. I’d call it “The Volunteer Society”. We could raise funds to acquire construction materials. We would come together as a collective and volunteer our time and labor to create gorgeous homes for each other. All we need is each other. The Earth has already provided what we need.
I have a lot of great ideas but often not a lot of energy for execution or enough support. A problem I keep running into that makes it very heavy for me and sometimes makes me want to give up hope.
Anyway………….
I’m in love, as usual. With you, with me, with life, with everything….
And also in despair at times…..
Bleh.
Must keep believing.
It all still feels so far away and I feel like I am failing.
Feelings aren’t facts though, so gotta watch out for the cognitive trap of “emotional reasoning”.
Idk. Nothing is a guarantee anyway.
Keepin’ the faith though. Keepin’ the faith.
I’m trying not to get carried away but I’m already on Mars.
In my mind we already have babies, a large kitchen where the bread is delightfully baking in the oven, and fresh eggs from our very own chickens. I don’t even want kids, but this is where my fantasy is taking me today.
I could see you chopping wood for our fire. I could see you happily repairing little things around the home and I am just so proud of you. Mmmm. Life feels peaceful, soft, safe.
I want to melt deeper into softness. I want to be gentle with myself. I don’t want to rush anywhere. I don’t want to live in fear or lack. I want to feel abundant. Abundant in love, joy, health, peace and the presence of God – even if God is just a figment of my imagination– I want this all loving, all encompassing energy to have a home in my body. I want to see beauty all around. Flowers. Butterflies. The smell of fresh grass. I want to bring love to all I do. I want to bring love to you. I want to hear you talk for hours without ever interrupting you. I want to respect you. To trust you. To feel happy with you.
What does it take to bring this vision to life? Is it something that just happens naturally or something you consciously create? A mixture of both?
I suppose you need a willing partner. A partner who evokes this type of vibration in you. It isn’t forced. It isn’t fake. It isn’t “trying” to make something work. It just IS aligned. It is real. It is happening. It is true.
And I don’t know that I’ve found you yet.
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