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sadness

numb

n
u
m
b


that is how i feel


when you give me everything and take it all away
when it seems like it’d be something but it ends up being just another lesson

is it me?
am i too stupid? too mean? too angry? too dumb? too naive? too kind? too blind to see the obvious?

numb… that is how i feel

when i have to live another day i don’t want to
when i watch me move away
when i watch you slip away
when i watch it fade away

you give and give
and you mean so well
and then it all goes nowhere

numb…

i can’t endure the pain
so all i can do is go numb

why?
i wish i knew the why

Memory

I still think of you from time to time

sometimes memories are triggered without invite

Like today… when I glanced over the dish rack and noticed I lined up the plates the way you would…

or occasionally when dubstep shuffles it’s way into my playlist…

and from time to time when I reflect on the mistakes I’ve made and how I could have been better

or when I regret staying for so long when early on I could already tell it probably wouldn’t work

I’m sorry for not being perfect.
Thank you for the lessons.
Thank you for the good memories despite the bad ones.

I wish you well…

~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes I get the urge to text you to tell you you can still count on me…
sometimes I want to tell you about things I’m learning…
sometimes I wanna send you funny things I see on the internet and wish we could still talk

but then I’m like nah fuck that,
because there is still this little part of me that is upset by the bullshit you put me through – which technically is the bullshit I was the one who kept accepting — so who is really to blame?

*sigh*

I guess maybe I’m not yet fully healed from it
and in some ways I feel like the bullshit was necessary for me to learn to do better and be better

I hope you are doing better too

despite the bullshit, I still love you
not like a lover now… but like a human and a friend


the memory of your smile is one of my favorites and I hope you are smiling a lot out there…

…..

sigh

it’s weird when you have let go of someone you love…

:’-(

Sad

You have every right to be sad

About the love that didn’t work

About your career moving so slow

about the tragedies in the world

about the sickness

about your team losing

about the family member who died

about your hair thinning and the cavity on your tooth

about the fact that you are aging and losing your youthful look

about the fact that at the end of the day we all just end up dead

That is the story

the truth is, that despite life’s many beauties, love and wonders — the story of life, is actually one that does not have a happy ending 😦

It’s sad

Suffering

Life has its beautiful moments
but it also serves us a fair share of suffering

This post is to acknowledge the suffering

Today I find myself in tears
thick, warm droplets stream down my cheeks
paper towels soaked of the storms from my eyes
though I can’t identify exactly why

But if I tried to explain why it would sound a little something along the lines of: existential dread combined with feeling lost, pressures of needing to be productive yet feeling suffocated creatively, while also recovering from being sick this week

Having been sick this week has once again reminded me of the finitude of life
That life is unpredictable and fragile
That our destination is to each day age some more and each day get closer to death

And I just want to take a moment to acknowledge that it’s sad to be sick
It’s sad when we go through moments of struggle

It’s sad when we see the people we love struggle, age, get sick and die

It’s sad going through loss
It’s sad going through heart break
It’s sad losing the things you’ve worked so hard for
It’s sad going through financial struggles
It’s sad when things are sad


Existence also comes with sadness


So I’d like to take a moment to sit with the sadness
and to admit that life isn’t just beautiful
It’s also hard… and it’s also sad

-Meseeks, photo credit to illustrators of Rick and Morty

Alone

Ok. I need you to understand that you ARE alone

you are alone

read it again…

you ARE alone

You can have people around you
You can even be having sex
but you ALONE are experiencing what you experience

Yes there is someone next to you
But you ALONE are having that experience

There is no one else within you but you
Each being is its own being

When you get comfortable with this truth
You can learn to stop trying to get an external thing to ultimately fulfill you
Because there is no external thing that could

I do think that perhaps there are more ideal external circumstances
Environments that are more conducive to feelings of happiness and joy, comfort, fulfillment

Like being at a beautiful beach with your beloved sipping a mojito will be much more delightful than getting your foot bitten off by a shark

So yes – there are perhaps more favorable external circumstances

But it doesn’t change that in all circumstances – favorable, unfavorable or in between — you ALONE are the ONE experiencing the experience

Get comfortable with your own company
You don’t need to go anywhere or find anyone or anything in order to BE

You already are
and “wherever you go, there you are”

Be okay with you, whether you are standing at the grocery store, sitting on the toilet, making love, sitting in traffic or bored in your room with nothing to do for the evening.

Just fucking be okay with yourself already, alright???

You are alone. That’s it, there’s nothing to be resolved there. Being alone is not a problem.

Being alone does not have to mean lonely.
Loneliness does not happen only as a result of being alone. You can be in a crowd of people and still feel lonely. You can be in a relationship and still feel lonely.

Feeling lonely and being alone are two different things

You can be alone in the shower singing joyfully to your shampoo bottles and feel perfectly fine

And you can also be alone and feel lonely

lonely is a feeling
Alone is what you are

and it shouldn’t scare you that you are alone (you already ARE… and look at you now, just reading these words all fine and shit in your aloness. See? It’s not scary. You’re fine. YOU’RE FINE)

The fact that you are alone and you can just BE in your lonesome, that should empower you not scare you

You are your guarantee

Even when everyone and everything falls away, you will still be the ONE it all falls away from, and who will be there on the other side of it all? Yep. You got — YOU.

Until you fall away too and it all fades to nothing, but that’s a whole other story

death

I feel like death is something we don’t talk much about

So I wanna talk about it…
because it’s something that is lurking to find us all at some point or another

it’s a strange thing…
we never really know when it’s coming

It makes me sad when I think about it
When I think about life slipping away

I’m doing all this work for it all to just be taken away by the hands of time


One day I will have to say good bye to my body,
good bye to my life and everything I’ve created

what a harsh truth to swallow

nothing is ever ours
NOTHING

so stop thinking anything is truly yours, “my boyfriend, my car, my house, my dog”
yours nothing… everything passes, everything fades — you keep nothing.

Some say there is an after life
Some say we reincarnate
Some say you go to heaven or hell
Some say there is some in between place — purgatory
Some say you die and that’s it — that’s the end

I say — I don’t know what happens, because I really freakin’ don’t…

Is there a chance my consciousness can live without a physical body? If so, for how long?

Even if my consciousness can be transferred to a different host, this body that I now possess will eventually give out. I will have to let go.

It makes me sad to think of myself getting old
To think of my body not being as strong, not as attractive

It makes me sad to think of my loved ones passing away

It makes me sad to think of letting go

This death thing, man… it’s quite a topic to reflect on

The other day as I walked home from the beach I sort of dissociated for a moment as I looked around me at people passing by… some waiting for the light to turn… other’s standing in a corner among themselves talking… a family going for a stroll — isn’t it weird we are all strangers to each other? Just a bunch of strangers crossing the same street. We live on this planet together, but we ignore each other and just keep walking by.

that same day I had a weird thought come through — “we’re all just waiting to die.”

Death, that is our destination.

We go about our lives not really talking about this.
We are born, we experience some things, and at some point we die — death — that is what you’re amounting to.

What exactly is death?

Is it when the body can no longer function in support of your consciousness?

Is time travel a possibility? Could we come back to the same point in time? What is the nature of reality?

I love this being that I am — I would hate to never see her again.

😦

death…
sigh

this topic makes me deeply sad
and it makes me wonder, if ultimately my life just ends, am I making it worth it?

am I loving enough
laughing enough
dancing enough
exploring enough
enjoying enough
or am I too worried about how I look and how much I’ve acquired that I am missing the opportunity to truly live?

damn, idk
lot’s to think about

Sadness

Sadness is a feeling I am all too familiar with

The other day I was journaling and noticing how blessed I am…


Full belly
Food in the fridge
Comfortable couch decorated with colorful throw pillows to sit on
Candle lit
Plants and flowers around
Fire place lit
Living in a beach town
Wearing a cute outfit, nails painted in a cute blue color and fingers adorned with stylish rings
Glass of wine
Healthy body
Friends
A lover

Yet with all there is to be grateful for, why is there still some persistent underlying feeling of sadness that lingers around throughout my days? What is it within me that keeps this feeling alive?

So…

I started to explore it…

Maybe it’s biological? Maybe my body is used to producing this familiar chemical and so it is biologically triggered…

Maybe I like it? Maybe there is a part of me that enjoys the sadness? So much art and reflection can come from this state…

Maybe it’s because of the suffering of the world? How can I rest and be truly happy if there is suffering in the world?

Maybe it’s because I will die… and everything is just passing. I’m working and working and doing and doing — and for what? For it all to end and pass away? The beautiful moments quickly evaporate and morph into the next. The day becomes the night. The young become the old…. and eventually the beginning meets the end 😥

So what is it all for?
What am I living for?
Why am I here?
Why is there something?
What is this experience?
What is even the point? 😦

And why is it that even though I am happy, I am also sad….?




Rewind

Song on repeat
Chest sinking
Another wine glass by the bedside

Reflection in the mirror —
Puffy eyes.
Waking up from another terrible dream
Another dream where you walk away
And it’s not meant to be 😥

Sigh…

Today isn’t as bad as its been

They say grief happens in stages

Some days I go on streaks without thinking of you
Then suddenly remember “Oh wow, I haven’t thought about you all day!”
[the irony]

Some days it feels heavy, disappointing, angry
Some days it feels hopeful and even happy
Sometimes I want to share that happiness with you…

Sometimes I want to tell you about something cool I saw,
Share what I think would make you laugh…

Most times I feel mad at you for how selfish you have been,
and mad at myself for how stupid I have been

Yet a part of me wishes we could fix it all.
Can we rewind the tape?
Can we go back to the days when we’d wake up excited like kiddos
When every day felt like an adventure

But when I really think about it, I don’t even want to.


How many times can we rewind before we eventually get sick of hearing the same song…

I am better off as the person I am becoming
And I hope you are too

Perhaps when the sun has set just enough times to heal the wounds
Maybe then we will meet again…

or not…

nonetheless, the memories and the lessons will play on



I Wonder…

I wonder… are we addicted to feeling sad? scared? worried?
Because it feels too weird being happy.
It feels too weird to let our guard down.
Because letting our guard down, letting our system relax, means danger could be lurking at any corner.

We must be on hyper-vigilance. Looking out for any possible threat.
Interpreting every detail. Staying two-three steps ahead of the game just to be safe.

Can’t let anybody fool me.
Can’t let myself get hurt.
Can’t let them try to pull a fast one on me.
Can’t let myself stay behind on the race.

Are these the kind of thoughts that are keeping us stuck?
Because we are afraid to swim in peace because you never know when a shark is gonna come out from under and just rip your feet apart when you stop looking?

Am I just too scared to let go and truly be happy? Truly start seeing miracles literally unfold right before my eyes?

Is that too crazy?

Is there something actually really beautiful happening right now but I am just too scared, too “real,” too worried to see it?

What would have happened if I actually let go that night? If I actually allowed myself to truly love you? If I wasn’t scared to say yes. If I wasn’t trying to run away. Would I have turned around and seen the light? Because there would have been no better moment in my life.

What If I were to swim without fear. Walk without fear. Dance without fear. Laugh without fear. Speak without fear. Breathe without fear. Play without fear. Simply exist without fear.

What would that look like?
What would that be like?

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