“How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line, can’t define what I’m after” -O.A.R
It’s like life keeps making me reasses everything.
Can’t hang on to anything.
Everything is temporary. Nothing actually belongs to me. I can’t hold on to anything. And I lose everything. Nothing lasts forever. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it when things get taken away from me. It hurts.
I want to hold on to things. People. Places. Things. Statuses. I don’t want to let go.
I want things for myself.
I want things and people and places to fulfill me.
To validate me.
To be a reminder that I am safe and that I haven’t lost. I want to be reminded that I’m okay.
And that you’re here. And I’m here.
And that you haven’t left.
And that I haven’t left.
And that everything is the same.
And that it won’t change.
And that it’s perfect.
But it’s not.
Because everything is stripped away from me.
I work so hard to have it all taken away.
My face becomes wrinkled.
My bones become weak.
People walk away.
Things are no longer how they used to be.
The corner deli is gone.
This town looks completely new.
What’s left of what used to be?
What’s left of us?
I miss the days when we would roam the city.
When we didn’t care about buying houses and wedding rings or proper diets. We just stuffed our faces with bubble gum. We just played on the street throwing our shoes in the air because we thought it was funny.
I miss feeling young.
Now I feel old even though I am young.
The realization that my time is shrinking is upon me.
That with each day that passes the end of my life approaches. Which could be at any moment.
At any moment I can be robbed of everything.
And one day I will be.
Time will come knocking on the door and it will say “Time’s up.” And just like that everything I thought mattered won’t matter anymore. Because I will be gone.
Gone like everything else that’s ever left.
And like everything else that will soon leave after.