The other day I heard myself say, “Perhaps, after all, there is no magic.”

My heart broken at the thought of a meaningless universe.

I’m holding my breath in anticipation that everything will turn around and the sneaky suspicion that there is something beautiful here for us is going to finally reveal itself and it will all make sense. All the pain, the hardships, the sadness, the difficult times — it will all be for a good and greater purpose.

I gotta trust. I gotta keep believing.
I gotta keep having faith even when I want to collapse instead.

So I pick up the pieces of my wounded little soul and wipe the tear off my cheek. I remind myself I am a warrior. I am strong. I am capable. I am resilient. I am here for a reason.

If only I could stop playing small. If only I could release all this dirt from my DNA and re-wire, re-program, re-code myself into the light. Calibrate myself into the frame of existence where I own my world. I own my reality. I’m not lost or afraid or feeling out of control. Defeated.

So much energy spent on processing nonsense. On being in “Woe is me” mentality. Sulking. Complaining. Drowning in this muck. Giving my power away. Feeling like the forces that are trying to sink me are so much greater than me. Gasping for hope.

WHERE ARE YOU GOD? Were you ever even there?

What is this? Who am I? Why am I in this constant state of dis- ease when I KNOW deep down in my bones there is so much more than that. Yet I can’t seem to tap into it. I can’t seem to cross over.

I keep reaching, reaching, reaching — falling back down.
Reaching, striving, reaching, reaching — falling further down in quantum quicksand.

sizufdhgidhfgidhfbodhf. It angers me. Annoys me. I can’t get away from me. 24/7 stuck in this body which in truth I love so much. “I love you.” I whisper to myself. “I care.” “I’m here.” “I’m listening.”

I sink deeper into my body. Craving ecstasy, freedom, boundless unity and mass expansion. I want to melt into the nothing. I want to become one with the ethers. I want to be free.