Lately I’ve been swimming in duality pretty hard core.
Holding the full weight of the paradox in my nervous system.
Life and death.
Everything and nothing.
Loving you and hating you.
Holding on and letting go.
I must be able to do both.
I am sitting with complexity. With nuance. Learning to be soft and strong. Open and discerning. Hopeful and wise.
I’ve been naive and delusional. There’s a part of me that still is because deep down I still believe in the magical. In the miracle. In the mystical.
There is this new part that is coming through now. A sage. A mothering spirit. A fierce protector. A guard. A part who is more selective. A part who is more refined. A part who knows how to say “no.” A part who can speak up. A part who is grounded. A part who is solid.
Yet in all of that, still holding this full surrendered letting go. Knowing all too well nothing is guaranteed – not even the next moment. I used to believe my dreams would certainly come to pass. Now, I still believe they will but with the awareness they are not guarantees. It’s all subject to change.
I sit with trust and surrender. I sit with hope and detachment. I sit with anger and understanding. With sadness and awe. With hate and with love. I sit with all of it. It’s like I’ve swallowed the universe whole and it’s ripping through my throat as it goes down past my chest taking bits of me and it sits in my tummy. It’s a painful digest. It’s a painful release. And a beautiful, glorious transformation.
The moon was full last night and of course I thought of you.
I thought of sitting in a deliciously warm room in what felt like Costa Rica
Legs crossed like a yogi and I’m facing you
For a long, tender moment our foreheads touch
It’s like I can understand you but without the need for any words
Ahhh….
Lately I have been craving deep, deep peace. As if every part of me just wants to root down into the depths of the Earth and sink into this deeeeep deeep comfort. A place where I feel like I could rest. A place where I feel like I could trust. A place that feels more solid. I place of ease and true joy.
I want to become lighter. There is desire for surrender. To feel every cell in my body move three octaves higher.
MMM..
This morning I was kissed by the crisp morning air and I couldn’t stop filling my lungs with this cosmic juice. I stopped for a moment and looked again at the moon that shined so brightly in the sky. I literally took a moment to pause. I wish I could just stand there forever in awe. Forever in bliss.
I feel like there is this version of me who is birthing that I’m madly in love with. I can only catch glimpses of the vibration. Sometimes she scares me because being her means letting go of the version of me I have always been. It means letting go of the fears I’ve felt. The doubts. The lack of courage.
Wow. Can you just imagine waking up in FULL TRUST, DEEP JOY, DEEP PEACE, DEEP FUCKING LOVE AND MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FAITH.
Lol… A part of me is like “You’re delusional”
and then the other part is like “Call it whatever you want, but if it brings me all of that, so be it!”
I feel like I am learning to feel more comfortable in my body. More comfortable in my womanhood. I still feel like a squirmish girl. A little awkward. A little afraid. And I welcome and love all those parts of me without abandon. But the keyword is, I am still very much *learning*. Very entrenched into the curriculum of Earth school.
What a ride.
The time is now
To love
To swim in the ocean
To get the back tattoo your mother told you not to
To feel the wind on your skin
To look up at the moon and howl like a wolf
To say “I’m sorry”
To say “I love you”
To laugh
To dance without caring what anybody else thinks
To bake cookies and offer it to your neighbors
To call your daughter
To write the book
To book a one way flight to London
To release the past
To paint
To kiss
To just fucking LIVE
We’re on a “planet” (this is what we call it, whatever “it” is this is) traversing through space at insane speed, with intelligent bodies and food just growing off the land so we could eat it… like c’mon on.. WTF is going on?
You better start acting like this is magical and CARPE THAT DIEM
There might as well be unicorns riding on leprechauns while doing back flips and eating donuts because none of this makes sense
I am literally typing on a “computer” with intelligent hands who respond to an intelligent brain and then fucking sending this out into the ethers so your intelligent, magnificent eye could read it. LIKE WTF?
If you’re not just losing your shit 24/7 at this marvel, I dunno what else needs to happen for you to awaken to the magic waiting for you to behold it
Ahhhh
The time is fucking NOW
To rise up
and be the most amazing you, you could be
If this was a symphony we’re about to hit the climatic moment
A kaleidoscope of flavors, colors, sounds, tongues
HEARTS ARE OPEN
I am ready to receive
I am ready to give
To surrender to life
While also standing true to that which I am
Neither this nor that
Neither here nor there
Neither this or that
Nothing – Something – Paradox
Folding unto itself in the hopes of squeezing out something…..
Could we finally look into each other’s soul and admit the full truth?
Could we look in each other’s eyes and finally know?
I don’t know
But I think it’s time we at least fucking try
There is a part of me who wants to throw a tantrum like a kid who doesn’t get the candy at the store
Sometimes you do everything you can and STILL don’t get what you want
at least not right away, in the timing you want, in the way you want
and that’s upsetting as heck
so I stand with you right now
and I stand with all of us who have felt the pain of a wish unfulfilled
Acceptance
Surrender
Those are the remedy words
It’s true – it doesn’t work sometimes
It’s true – you give it your all and life still says “no”
It’s true – plans don’t always go according to plan
So I breathe
complain
throw a tantrum or two
and go back to the drawing board
The vision is the same, but maybe the pathway is different
or maybe I just surrender altogether
I didn’t make the universe
I didn’t make my body
I don’t make my heart beat
I’m not the one pushing the hands of time forward
so why do I think I need to exert so much force to see things go MY WAY
Maybe if I just release my grip I could let things naturally unfold
SIGH
I don’t know…
I surrender
while at the same time I’ll keep myself open to the way forward
taking action
and hoping for the best
Taking action
and trusting for the best
It’s fair to be upset when things don’t work out
It’s fair to be hurt when you feel cheated
Honor the feelings
Honor your emotions
Honor the ups, downs and in betweens
Let the pieces fall into place
Sometimes we want to ffwd to the good
and have little tolerance for the not good
But apparently life is both good and not good and all the shades in between
and to live is to experience all of it….
For today, I give up control and simply let life show the way forward
oh but one more thing
Sometimes I notice I have a hand to play on how things play out in my life by the way I react to scenarios – my reactions have consequences and those consequences seem to point to where I’m currently at in my development and consciousness
But that’s a whole other topic….
On a side note,
Thank you for being here
What if I could wholeheartedly trust?
What if I didn’t have any doubt?
What if my trust was so great that it became synonymous with fact?
What if all I needed to do is be exactly as I am and do exactly as I do without being afraid? Without beating myself up?
What if the universe has me safe at all times? That even the dark, unsavory moments of my journey were all part of my learning plan.
What if I could just let go of trying to control all the details. What if I could just trust that the higher order of things is in alignment to my greatest good and I need not fight, squirm, or throw tantrums.
What if I could learn to just enjoy the journey. To not get so caught up in my inner struggle of “Why isn’t this happening sooner?”
If I could just breathe. Just breathe.
If I could stop rushing. Stop yearning. Stop chasing.
Why am I in such a hurry? Why am I trying to be at the destination already? Why can’t I just be okay with the process and not focus so much on the result?
If I could just be here now. If I could just learn to accept that not everything goes my way and that’s okay.
If I could master the art of simply existing.
If I could trust.
I want to trust.
I want things to go my way. Obviously.
But they don’t always do.
You come out of nowhere and crush my dreams with one sentence.
And then I have a choice.
Do I fight, argue, and resist what IS? Do I add more pain to the already painful truth?
Or do I say “Fuck it,” accept it, roll with the punches and from that place of peace and acceptance move forward?
I think I’ll subscribe to the latter.
Will I complain a little? Yeah.
Will I say “Gee. I wish that wasn’t the fucking case.” Yeah.
And then I’m just gonna dust my damn self off and move the fuck on. I’m going to deal with it. Accept it. And be okay with the fact that I don’t control everything. But I do control me.
And I choose to release control because it just feels better when I don’t fight to keep something that is naturally moving away.
Gravity. Sometimes it brings us closer, and sometimes it brings us apart.
And I just flow with it.
I’ve been so hurt before.
And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”
I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”
Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”
I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.
All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.
“The root of suffering is attachment.” – Buddha
I resonate with the above quote.
When I cling to people, places, material possessions, status, you name it, whenever the target of my clinging is threatened – I experience emotional pain – a.k.a “suffering.”
Sometimes that emotional pain is also linked to physical responses in my body. My heart beats fast, my stomach sinks, I feel nauseous, my temperature rises, I cry, I curl into a little ball in a stew of emotions.
I experience this roller coaster of symptoms when I lose.
When I lose that which I have become attached to.
Sometimes it even happens when I imagine loss. Or perceive loss.
The guy I have been dating is showing up online on a dating site.
So what does my heart do?
It tightens.
What does my mind do?
It races.
“Oh. I guess he’s still searching. I guess I haven’t made a big enough impression to get him to stop seeking. I guess he’s not that into me. I guess I’m not enough for him. Maybe he’ll meet someone else he’ll find more interesting and move on happily while I’ll be back to square one.”
Attachment. Fear based thoughts.
But what if I let go of the outcome? What if I pull back and re-frame my response?
Truth is – nothing belongs to me. Nothing is mine. I simply get to share temporary experiences in a fleeting, changing environment that I do not and cannot possess. Yet in an attempt to hold on, to keep for longer, to experience more of – I attach.
I say, “I want you.”
I say, “Be mine.”
I say, “Don’t leave.”
I say, “I don’t want to let go.”
I say “I don’t want to say good bye.”
And when I do this, I hurt. Because I am trying to hold onto what time is literally ripping out of my tiny little hands.
So then what is the way to relieve this?
Non-attachment. Letting go. Release the hold.
No attachment to the outcome.
No fear of letting go.
Pure surrender.
Does that mean that I don’t love? That I don’t care? That I don’t experience fully? No. Quite the opposite.
Every moment becomes extremely meaningful, because every moment is unique, special, fleeting, and forever elusive.
Through non-attachment every moment becomes lighter because it can pass through you without getting stuck. It can just come and go and there is no fighting to keep it, no fighting to get more of it, no fighting for its return. Everything can just be.
It can come and it can go.
And when it comes – what a joy to have it.
When it goes [breathes out] what a joy to see it go.
This is true freedom.
*image credit to realbuddhaquotes.com
Try this new method of relating with the circumstances in your life: completely release having to control all the details and timing and just trust that everything will align.
If you’re anything like me then you want everything done yesterday and at the speed of light. You stress and worry about whether or not the things you want will manifest into your life. BUT ENOUGH of living like this. ENOUGH of living under pressure. Wouldn’t life be more fun if you just chilled the F* out? Where are you rushing to? Do you really think that stressing is going to make things happen faster? It’s not. Things will happen at the speed that they will happen whether you stress it or not. So why not chill out and trust the unfolding instead? It’s way more fun this way!
Take the necessary action to get yourself from A to B and then CHILL. Do your part. Whatever that is.
-Wake up early.
-Create a resume.
-Network.
-Research.
-Go to the gym.
-Eat a healthy meal.
-Start that website.
-Create that dating profile.
-Write that blog post.
-Get out of the house and go for a walk.
-Start a savings account.
-Apply to new jobs.
-Tell that person “this relationship is no longer working for me.”
WHATEVER IT IS FOR YOU THAT YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO BE DOING – GO DO IT NOW and WHATEVER RESULT YOU ARE WAITING FOR, TRUST THAT IT WILL MANIFEST.
Co-create your life with the universe.
Release feeling like it’s NOT going to happen. Change that mindset of “I’ll never make it.”
EVERY DAY tell yourself: I AM ABLE TO ACHIEVE ALL MY GOALS. LIFE WORKS IN MY FAVOR. EVERYTHING WILL FALL INTO PLACE.
TRUST!
Take action and release control.
Take action and release control.
Take action and release control.
Trust. Trust. Trust.
SMILE.
Life is working in your favor – STOP LETTING YOUR MIND TELL YOU OTHERWISE.
Start looking at the EVIDENCE that SHOWS you that what you want IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE.
Try this as an experiment: When you see yourself gettin’ all worked up because sh*t’s just not coming together exactly how you want at the speed that you want – BREATHE — and say: I release control in this moment and I relax in the knowing that this is a process and just because it is not in front of me in this PRECISE moment, does not mean that it will NOT happen.
OF COURSE it’s going to work out!
Of COURSE I am going to achieve my goal. I am unfolding into it. I am trusting this journey.
OF COURSE the universe is on my side.
OF COURSE I am loved.
OF COURSE I am capable.
OF COURSE the doors of opportunity will open for me.
OF COURSE my health is going to improve.
OF COURSE I can bounce back from this rejection.
OF COURSE I can heal my wounds.
OF COURSE I can make this change.
OF COURSE I can have a successful business.
OF COURSE! OF COURSE!
YES! YES! YES!
I am here to tell you YES. RELAX BABY! RELAX.
Take aligned action and RELAX. IT WILL HAPPEN!
Believe with me. Trust with me. Breathe with me. Take the leap with me.
IT WILL HAPPEN!
reflectoutloud.com 