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Surrender

Surrender

There is a part of me who wants to throw a tantrum like a kid who doesn’t get the candy at the store

Sometimes you do everything you can and STILL don’t get what you want

at least not right away, in the timing you want, in the way you want

and that’s upsetting as heck

so I stand with you right now
and I stand with all of us who have felt the pain of a wish unfulfilled

Acceptance
Surrender

Those are the remedy words

It’s true – it doesn’t work sometimes
It’s true – you give it your all and life still says “no”
It’s true – plans don’t always go according to plan

So I breathe

complain

throw a tantrum or two

and go back to the drawing board

The vision is the same, but maybe the pathway is different
or maybe I just surrender altogether

I didn’t make the universe
I didn’t make my body
I don’t make my heart beat
I’m not the one pushing the hands of time forward
so why do I think I need to exert so much force to see things go MY WAY

Maybe if I just release my grip I could let things naturally unfold

SIGH

I don’t know…

I surrender

while at the same time I’ll keep myself open to the way forward

taking action
and hoping for the best

Taking action
and trusting for the best

It’s fair to be upset when things don’t work out
It’s fair to be hurt when you feel cheated

Honor the feelings
Honor your emotions
Honor the ups, downs and in betweens

Let the pieces fall into place

Sometimes we want to ffwd to the good
and have little tolerance for the not good

But apparently life is both good and not good and all the shades in between

and to live is to experience all of it….

For today, I give up control and simply let life show the way forward

oh but one more thing

Sometimes I notice I have a hand to play on how things play out in my life by the way I react to scenarios – my reactions have consequences and those consequences seem to point to where I’m currently at in my development and consciousness

But that’s a whole other topic….

On a side note,
Thank you for being here

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Trust

What if I could wholeheartedly trust?

What if I didn’t have any doubt?

What if my trust was so great that it became synonymous with fact?

What if all I needed to do is be exactly as I am and do exactly as I do without being afraid? Without beating myself up?

What if the universe has me safe at all times? That even the dark, unsavory moments of my journey were all part of my learning plan.

What if I could just let go of trying to control all the details. What if I could just trust that the higher order of things is in alignment to my greatest good and I need not fight, squirm, or throw tantrums.

What if I could learn to just enjoy the journey. To not get so caught up in my inner struggle of “Why isn’t this happening sooner?”

If I could just breathe. Just breathe.

If I could stop rushing. Stop yearning. Stop chasing.

Why am I in such a hurry? Why am I trying to be at the destination already? Why can’t I just be okay with the process and not focus so much on the result?

If I could just be here now. If I could just learn to accept that not everything goes my way and that’s okay.

If I could master the art of simply existing.

If I could trust.

I want to trust.

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Loosen the Grip

I want things to go my way. Obviously.

But they don’t always do.

You come out of nowhere and crush my dreams with one sentence.

And then I have a choice.

Do I fight, argue, and resist what IS? Do I add more pain to the already painful truth?

Or do I say “Fuck it,” accept it, roll with the punches and from that place of peace and acceptance move forward?

I think I’ll subscribe to the latter.

Will I complain a little? Yeah.

Will I say “Gee. I wish that wasn’t the fucking case.” Yeah.

And then I’m just gonna dust my damn self off and move the fuck on. I’m going to deal with it. Accept it. And be okay with the fact that I don’t control everything. But I do control me.

And I choose to release control because it just feels better when I don’t fight to keep something that is naturally moving away.

Gravity. Sometimes it brings us closer, and sometimes it brings us apart.

And I just flow with it.

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Hurt

I’ve been so hurt before.

And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”

I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”

Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”

I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.

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Let Go of The Outcome

“The root of suffering is attachment.” – Buddha

I resonate with the above quote.
When I cling to people, places, material possessions, status, you name it, whenever the target of my clinging is threatened – I experience emotional pain – a.k.a “suffering.”

Sometimes that emotional pain is also linked to physical responses in my body. My heart beats fast, my stomach sinks, I feel nauseous, my temperature rises, I cry, I curl into a little ball in a stew of emotions.

I experience this roller coaster of symptoms when I lose.
When I lose that which I have become attached to.
Sometimes it even happens when I imagine loss. Or perceive loss.

The guy I have been dating is showing up online on a dating site.
So what does my heart do?
It tightens.
What does my mind do?
It races.

“Oh. I guess he’s still searching. I guess I haven’t made a big enough impression to get him to stop seeking. I guess he’s not that into me. I guess I’m not enough for him. Maybe he’ll meet someone else he’ll find more interesting and move on happily while I’ll be back to square one.”

Attachment. Fear based thoughts.

But what if I let go of the outcome? What if I pull back and re-frame my response?

Truth is – nothing belongs to me. Nothing is mine. I simply get to share temporary experiences in a fleeting, changing environment that I do not and cannot possess. Yet in an attempt to hold on, to keep for longer, to experience more of – I attach.

I say, “I want you.”
I say, “Be mine.”
I say, “Don’t leave.”
I say, “I don’t want to let go.”
I say “I don’t want to say good bye.”

And when I do this, I hurt. Because I am trying to hold onto what time is literally ripping out of my tiny little hands.

see-them-floundering

So then what is the way to relieve this?

Non-attachment. Letting go. Release the hold.

No attachment to the outcome.
No fear of letting go.
Pure surrender.

Does that mean that I don’t love? That I don’t care? That I don’t experience fully? No. Quite the opposite.

Every moment becomes extremely meaningful, because every moment is unique, special, fleeting, and forever elusive.

Through non-attachment every moment becomes lighter because it can pass through you without getting stuck. It can just come and go and there is no fighting to keep it, no fighting to get more of it, no fighting for its return. Everything can just be.

It can come and it can go.

And when it comes – what a joy to have it.
When it goes [breathes out]  what a joy to see it go.

This is true freedom.

*image credit to realbuddhaquotes.com

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Trust Your Unfolding

Try this new method of relating with the circumstances in your life: completely release having to control all the details and timing and just trust that everything will align.

If you’re anything like me then you want everything done yesterday and at the speed of light. You stress and worry about whether or not the things you want will manifest into your life. BUT ENOUGH of living like this. ENOUGH of living under pressure. Wouldn’t life be more fun if you just chilled the F* out? Where are you rushing to? Do you really think that stressing is going to make things happen faster? It’s not. Things will happen at the speed that they will happen whether you stress it or not. So why not chill out and trust the unfolding instead? It’s way more fun this way!

Take the necessary action to get yourself from A to B and then CHILL. Do your part. Whatever that is.

-Wake up early.
-Create a resume.
-Network.
-Research.
-Go to the gym.
-Eat a healthy meal.
-Start that website.
-Create that dating profile.
-Write that blog post.
-Get out of the house and go for a walk.
-Start a savings account.
-Apply to new jobs.
-Tell that person “this relationship is no longer working for me.”

WHATEVER IT IS FOR YOU THAT YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO BE DOING – GO DO IT NOW and WHATEVER RESULT YOU ARE WAITING FOR, TRUST THAT IT WILL MANIFEST.

Co-create your life with the universe.

Release feeling like it’s NOT going to happen. Change that mindset of “I’ll never make it.”

EVERY DAY tell yourself: I AM ABLE TO ACHIEVE ALL MY GOALS. LIFE WORKS IN MY FAVOR. EVERYTHING WILL FALL INTO PLACE.

TRUST!

Take action and release control.
Take action and release control.
Take action and release control.

Trust. Trust. Trust.

SMILE.

Life is working in your favor – STOP LETTING YOUR MIND TELL YOU OTHERWISE.

Start looking at the EVIDENCE that SHOWS you that what you want IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE.

Try this as an experiment: When you see yourself gettin’ all worked up because sh*t’s just not coming together exactly how you want at the speed that you want – BREATHE — and say: I release control in this moment and I relax in the knowing that this is a process and just because it is not in front of me in this PRECISE moment, does not mean that it will NOT happen.

OF COURSE it’s going to work out!
Of COURSE I am going to achieve my goal. I am unfolding into it. I am trusting this journey.
OF COURSE the universe is on my side.
OF COURSE I am loved.
OF COURSE I am capable.
OF COURSE the doors of opportunity will open for me.
OF COURSE my health is going to improve.
OF COURSE I can bounce back from this rejection.
OF COURSE I can heal my wounds.
OF COURSE I can make this change.
OF COURSE I can have a successful business.

OF COURSE! OF COURSE!

YES! YES! YES!

I am here to tell you YES. RELAX BABY! RELAX.
Take aligned action and RELAX.  IT WILL HAPPEN!

Believe with me. Trust with me. Breathe with me. Take the leap with me.

IT WILL HAPPEN!

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Die Before You Die

Release.

Die before you die.

Let go before you let go.
You don’t have to be afraid, beautiful, sweet child. You are okay. And it will be okay.
Learn to not be so attached to any outcome.
Learn to experience each moment fully.
Learn to have fun even when life really sucks.
Learn to be grateful even when it’s all going downhill.
I know this can be hard to do.
I know it almost seems impossible to pull through when you’re looking in the mirror and literally all of your demons and their dark destruction are staring furiously back at you ROARING — telling you, “YOU CAN’T MAKE IT. YOU’RE WORTHLESS. YOU’RE NOTHING. IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT. GIVE UP. JUST STOP EXISTING. NO ONE CARES, NOT EVEN YOU.”
In this moment, when everything seems against you, put your hands over your ears and refuse to listen to those voices and fears that cloud your better judgement. Even these fearful voices serve for your awakenening.
Remind yourself of the truth:
YOU CAN.
YOU ARE.
YOU WILL.
YOU ARE SO WORTHY.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
SO ENOUGH.
SO LOVED.
SO ABUNDANT.
YOU ARE FILLED WITH JOY.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU LACK.
YOU ARE AT PEACE AND YOU ARE AT REST.
There is absolutely NOTHING you need to do, be, have, get, buy, attain, ask for in order to have value because your existence alone is in and of itself WHOLE AND COMPLETE AND WORTHY AND ENOUGH AND ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, GLORIOUS AND PERFECT.
You are right where you need to be.
You are not late, you are not early – you are right on time – right here, right now, beautifully as you are.
Don’t be afraid to lose.
Don’t be afraid of time.
Don’t be afraid that things will not work out.
Experience each moment as it is without resistance. Or perhaps resist if you must because all of your experience is valid.
Cry if you must.
Sleep if you must.
Take a break if you must.
And know deeply, deeply, that you are being held right now in the loving arms of a life force that holds you blameless, shameless, and perfectly whole.
I love you.
Don’t worry.
Don’t be afraid.
Even when you lose, you win.
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Changes

It amazes me how quickly things can change.
How a moment ago we were laughing and holding each other only to never speak again. Would it have felt different if I knew it’d be the last time I’d see you?

I am having a hard time coping with parts of my life’s unfolding. My aging face. My thinning hair. My changing body. My desire to be somewhere further along.
I’m having a hard time with loss. Loss of identity. Loss of youth. Loss of health. Loss of people. Loss of possessions. Loss of status.

I know there is only so much I can do externally to keep it all together. I know that I have to learn to gracefully accept what I cannot change and stop resisting what I can’t control. But it sucks. Damn, does it suck. Why can’t things just work and be my way? Why does it have to be so difficult?

Part of my struggle is internal. Because I cannot sit comfortably with the way things are. Because I tell myself a negative story about my external situation and assign a negative meaning to what is happening to me.

I know that if I want to experience lasting inner peace and satisfaction I have to commit to being kind to myself. I must commit to seeing myself as beautiful, worthy, enough, complete, deserving, lovable and ultimately safe regardless of my external situation.

I’ve started to do EFT – an acupressure form of therapy that helps heal emotional wounds created by excessive patterns of negative thinking. I like to watch and follow along to Brad Yate’s videos. I’ll share a link here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Ua7T01cdY

I am also working to exercise some faith. Faith that even though things may not be completely the way I want them to be right now, that in time, they will be.
Work in progress.
 

 

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Surrender

I think of you less and less, but sometimes familiar places and lingering traces bring me a whiff of what used to be.

I’m learning what it means to be free. To answer only to me. It’s not a feeling I am accustomed to since for as long as I know I’ve lived in large part for others.

I feel like I’m getting closer to understanding what it means to live life. Yet at the same time it seems all too far.

I’m feeling proud of my accomplishments. Taking life one day at a time even when I get really antsy. I don’t have a choice. Surrender is key during moments where I just want to run away, hide or freak out.

I cried on the floor the other day. Then I stared to laugh. I alternated between crying and laughing. Realizing how silly it is to get lost in my emotions when it’s really nothing but a feeling. Realizing how sad it is that one day I’ll have to say good bye to everything I love and possess. A part of me thinks it doesn’t have to be that way. That maybe there’s a way out. That perhaps we can conquer death. Or perhaps we never really die – just simply transform.

There are countless unanswered questions. I’m starting to think it doesn’t even matter in an ultimate sense. Truth is, I don’t know. But truth also is, I want to find out.
Except instead of putting so much pressure on myself to have all the answers NOW, I’m realizing I feel more free when I just allow myself to unfold one moment at a time without straining to get to some end. The journey is the answer.

I’ve grown tired of searching only to find more questions. I’ve learned that not knowing is completely okay and that whatever is, is. It doesn’t mean that I won’t question, it just means I won’t freak out if I don’t know something yet. The pressure is off and the enjoyment of the process is on.

I’ve decided to stop rushing to some place other than here and now. I am learning to surrender and play with life. To let go and not grow upset over small things – or big things. I am learning that life is as serious or as simple as you make it. I am choosing the breezy route – which is the same as the rocky route but my state of mind is really what decides the difference.

Namaste.

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