Search

Open Search
Tag

time

Release Control

There are things you can control and there are things you can’t.

You can do your part – whatever that is and then you can fold your arms, sit back and wait for the universe to respond. After you do your part, you gotta release control. It’s crazy making to do anything other than simply relax because there is literally nothing else you can do but wait for the response.

The response may not always be what you like it to be. Because in your small mind you think things need to work out a certain way, in a certain time frame.

The wild fact is we forget that we live in a massive reality with so many moving parts it’s actually mind blowing.

THINK ABOUT IT DUDE, we are in a huge planet spinning in a galaxy surrounded by other huge planets. But forget those other planets for now and let’s just zoom into our own. 

Think about everything that is happening right now simultaneously as you unfold. Think about the people in Asia, Africa, Europe, South America, North America, Australia – and okay, I guess Antarctica. 

Think about all the animals, all the insects, all the plants, all the mystery underneath the ocean.

WHOA.

There is a massive amount of movement going on around us ALL THE TIME.

Within all this commotion we zoom to YOU. To your story. To your particular life within your particular family, friends, circumstances.

And then there is that thing you really want – the health, the relationships, the finances, the career, the house, the pumpkin spiced latte. 

And you want it now.

And guess what? Although there are no guarantees in life, because you can literally just die today and there goes everything — when you do your part, you will get yourself closer to everything you want.

It may not happen the way you want. It may not happen in your time frame. It may not look exactly as you pictured it – but it will happen if you keep doing your part and release control when your part is done.

And hey, sometimes things do happen exactly how you want them to. Sometimes you ask for a raise and you get it. Sometimes you apply for the job and you get it. Sometimes you ask out the cutie from the office on a date and she says “Yes.”

Hooray! Sometimes it works just as you want it, when you want it.

But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it’s 10x more challenging than you dared even imagined.

tenor

This is when you do what you gotta do and then you cross your arms and wait for the response. The more time unfolds before you, the more data you will receive to know how to proceed forward and adjust accordingly.

So release control.
Control what you can and what you can’t just breathe, chill, and enjoy the ride. 

Life doesn’t have to be some serious fucking project we have to make a huge deal out of. It can be easy. It can be fun. If you let it.

So let it and release control.

❤

*image credit to tenor.com

0

More Adjustment Logs

I thought it would be easy.
I’d get to California and I’d quickly find a good job. Thought I’d be done paying my debt.  That I would have my coaching business running successfully. Thought I’d be feeling in flow, connected, like everything was falling into place. 

RUDE AWAKENING. 

Finding a job here in Cali has been ridiculously difficult. I’m talking even finding a basic job as a waitress to get me some kind of income has been an ordeal. 

People have been giving me the run-around. I interview once, they say come back a second time. I interview a second time, they say come back a third time to meet some other manager who was on vacation and then wait for a call back to do a working interview for an hour so they can see if you’re a right fit. WHAT!?

I’ve interviewed for a position in social work. I’ve also got the run around here. 
“Oh we’ll send you your official offer via email.”
One week later. NOTHING.
Follow up. 3 days later finally get the paperwork.

Complete the paperwork. Go get finger prints. Go get drug tested. Go get TB test. 
One week later: “Have you received all the necessary information for a start date?”
– “Oh, I’m sorry for the delay. I’ll go check on that for you.”

Still waiting.
This has been almost a month long process with this company! 
ORDEAL, I tell ya.

So as I wait my bank account sits and stares at me like “Bitch, we’re getting slim here.”

Debt is increasing not decreasing as I impatiently wait for the universe’s moving parts to just MOVE so I can get a handle on my situation. 

Times like these, when life takes a total turn that is so different from what you had originally imagined, is when I begin to question faith.

“I thought I was called here. I truly felt that. But right now I just want to throw in the towel and give up. Should I go back to the east coast? I don’t want to. I don’t want to go back to the bitter cold. But I also don’t want to live here stressed begging for employment and accepting crumbs from jobs I don’t even want but am forced into because the doors I keep knocking on don’t open. How am I supposed to move forward and feel happy when I keep getting silence, rejections, closed doors? It’s like fighting a losing battle here.”

I keep telling myself this is only temporary. This is only a chapter and not the whole story. 

I keep telling myself to calm the fuck down. It’s only been a month and 2 weeks. 

What is the lesson here…

Not everything goes as planned. DEAL WITH IT. ADAPT.
Not every success happens over night. IT’S A PROCESS.

Is it annoying? YES.
Is it frustrating? YES.
Build frustration tolerance. Build patience.

Sometimes, like a slingshot, you gotta go backwards before moving forwards.

Maybe I was naive in my thinking when I thought everything would be as smooth as silk. 

I am constructing a new life, in a new city, in a new state. 
It’s a major project.
And projects take time.

I must direct my focus on what I do have. 
Support from my family. Support from my friends.
My health. A roof over my head. Food to eat. Clothes to wear. An internet connection to complain on. To process on. To create and share my story on.

I’m blessed when I really look at it. 

I have to let go of the stress and stop trying to rush my life. 
I am going to get over this hump, and I will find myself in better ground.
I just need to accept that the only way through is through this particular dark tunnel right now. Once I’m past it, the light will be waiting for me on the other side along with all the things I’ve journeyed so far to reach. 

Such is life.

*image credit to doghousediarias, found on pinterest

 

0

Just Venting… Out Loud

You ever just play old songs you’d listen to back in your teenage years and get bombarded by memories of your upbringing?

I’m reliving the past in the present through music.

My heart grows heavy. 

I remember being little always wanting to get away. Grow up. Be on my own.

Well, here I am…

I do love my freedom.

But what have I done with it?

I am building more clarity as each day unfolds. 
My biggest issue is around my angst to already be where I want to be.
Things are not happening fast enough. Not happening in my timing. 

It feels like I am sitting in dead stop traffic, occasionally being able to move forward at about 5 miles per hour. 

*Breathes*

I know I just have to be patient. 

It’s a time of learning to wait.

[crosses arms and throws tantrum]

Yes. I’m going to complain about it.
But only for a little bit. 
To get it out. 
Because I need to acknowledge my feelings.
I need to say “I feel FRUSTRATED…. and it’s okay.”
 

I also know that my feelings aren’t necessarily accurate. I just sometimes grow extreme and get in my head becoming blinded by emotions that block my better reason.  It FEELS like I am getting nowhere, but in reality I’ve accomplished so much. I’ve come so far. This is what I need to acknowledge so that I don’t dig myself into a hole that FEELS otherwise. Just because something feels a certain way doesn’t mean it’s true.  Feelings come and go. 

Right now I need more: Patience. Trust. Faith.

Trust is another big lesson for me. 

*Breathes*

Letting go of control.

*Breathes*

Doing what I can do. Letting go of the rest.

I know it’ll get better. 
I just wish better was today.

*BREATHES*
*SIGHS*

Okay. I’ve complained. I’ve pouted. I threw my little tantrum.

Now I’m gonna roll up my sleeves and get back to it.

[turns old sappy music off] 

*image credit to me.me

0

Patience

I keep getting pointed back to the same lesson: patience.

But when? When is it all going to come together?
It feels like I’ve been running but getting nowhere. On a treadmill.

This weekend I experienced a setback.
I also had a serious wake up call.

I’ve been in bed for the last two days. Letting my body recover.
It is frustrating when you want to be at step 6 or 7 but you’re at step 2.

I just gotta be patient. I just have to let things happen in its own timing.
I haven’t been crossing my arms though. I’ve been doing what I can to move myself forward.

Then I wonder, should I be doing more? Is what I’m doing not enough? Should I be hustling more? Striving more? Or is doing more not the answer?

The last two days I’ve taken a serious pause. Not so much because I wanted to, but because I had to. I’ll share the story in more detail when I’m ready.

Tomorrow I’m springing back into action.

There are currently so many unknowns.

All I can do is do what I can, and wait for what I cannot do to fall into place in its own timing.

Until then, I’m building some frustration tolerance while exercising my faith muscles.

::Breathes::

Patience.
Learning to wait.
Learning to accept that some things are beyond my control.
Learning to accept life’s timing.

It ain’t easy, folks.
But possible. Totally possible.

0

Give Yourself Permission

Give yourself permission to just breathe.
To relax.
To let go.
To be still.

Forgive yourself.
For all the times you’ve been so mean to you. For all the times you looked at yourself in the mirror and wished you didn’t have to be you. You didn’t have to exist. For all the times you expected too much of yourself. Pushed yourself too hard. Beat down on yourself for not being “quite there yet.”

There are days where not moving, not doing, not planning, not rushing, not adding another task to your endless to do list is the answer. 
There comes a time when you just have to lay down. Sleep. Rest. Lock yourself away from the world. Give yourself the space to just be. To not have to figure out all the details.

Hold space for yourself. 
Comfort yourself.

It’s okay to not be okay. To take time off. To not have it all together all the time. To put down the heavy burdens and take a breather. Even the almighty God took a break. So much more you, mighty human, need a day to turn off and recharge. 

It’s okay to disconnect.
It’s okay to say “You know what? Today I am not doing anything.”

Lay in bed all day.
Give your body the rest it needs to function.

Sleep.
Let your mind have time to slow down and recharge.

Breakdowns are a normal part of the human experience.
Give yourself permission to breakdown.

Life is actually pretty darn hard sometimes.
There is so much going on. So many to do’s. So many expectations. 
It is natural to want to pause. 

Hold space for yourself to be human. To slow down. To soften the pace.

Just be here right now. 
Giving yourself permission to simply exist without the need to manage anything, control anything. fix anything, or figure anything out right now.

Allow yourself to be right where you’re at in this moment. 
Allow yourself to take a break.
To breathe.
To be.

 

Don’t Waste Time. Get CLEAR On Your Vision

Don’t be like me.

It took me 2 years, $22,000, and 700 hours of unpaid internship hours to complete a graduate program in Mental Health counseling only to realize – “Oh, just kidding. I actually don’t want to pursue this path.”

I knew within the first few months into the program that I didn’t do enough research and signed up for a program that didn’t quite resonate with me. Yet despite this realization I convinced myself that I should just stick with it anyway, because having a Master’s is better than not.

And sure, my rationale made sense – any more pretty stripes you have on your belt only make you a more appealing candidate to employers — assuming you can even secure employment, that is.  This meme couldn’t be more real right now:

2B043108-3F5B-4265-8B14-CCF72FEEAD10

The path to becoming a Mental Health Counselor is pretty long and actually pretty painful if you’re not 100% sure this is exactly what you want to do. Finishing school is not enough. There are several and I mean SEVERAL hoops you have to jump through, and it’s a never ending process because Psychology is a living and constantly developing field. 

Not to mention the fact that after graduating some employers want to pay you crumbs for your service. I’ve had employers offer me $12.00 an hour for counseling services. $12.00!!!! It’s insanity.

My current issue with this path is that it totally stifles my spirit. The clinical path has a tremendous bureaucratic system that involves so much control over how therapists should operate and how counseling should be done, and it literally suffocates me. When I look at the paperwork and the demands that are being put on me to perform under particular standards as well as regulations, along with the types of populations that clinical counselors generally deal with, I clearly see big RED LIGHTS and SIRENS that tell me to look the other way and RUN! 

And I get it – this system is indeed helpful and is supported by years of research and studies that I respect and believe has its use and purpose. However, it’s just not for me.

And why am I whining and complaining about it to you?

Well, my friend, it’s because I wish I would have stepped on the breaks 2 years ago when I realized this wasn’t my actual calling and invested my time, energy, efforts and CASH on what I TRULY, TRULY want. 

I’ve wasted so much time trying to prove to myself that I’m disciplined enough to complete higher education and formal training only to come out of it feeling like I am 2 years behind on my actual goals.

I’ve been playing it safe, 
I’ve been trying to do what everyone else is doing.
I’ve been ignoring my intuition and pushing myself to do what I thought I needed to do rather than what I truly wanted to do.

DON’T BE LIKE ME.

Get LASER clear on your vision and act in alignment to that TRUE vision.

What do you REALLY WANT.
Not what your parents want. Not what society wants. Not what you think you need to do because you have to prove something to yourself or the world.

Don’t waste time trying to prove yourself to anybody.
Don’t waste time trying to please family, friends, society, facebook.

Really and truly ask yourself:
WHAT DO I KNOW IN MY HEART I REALLY WANT?

And then move in that direction.

0

Die Before You Die

Release.

Die before you die.

Let go before you let go.
You don’t have to be afraid, beautiful, sweet child. You are okay. And it will be okay.
Learn to not be so attached to any outcome.
Learn to experience each moment fully.
Learn to have fun even when life really sucks.
Learn to be grateful even when it’s all going downhill.
I know this can be hard to do.
I know it almost seems impossible to pull through when you’re looking in the mirror and literally all of your demons and their dark destruction are staring furiously back at you ROARING — telling you, “YOU CAN’T MAKE IT. YOU’RE WORTHLESS. YOU’RE NOTHING. IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT. GIVE UP. JUST STOP EXISTING. NO ONE CARES, NOT EVEN YOU.”
In this moment, when everything seems against you, put your hands over your ears and refuse to listen to those voices and fears that cloud your better judgement. Even these fearful voices serve for your awakenening.
Remind yourself of the truth:
YOU CAN.
YOU ARE.
YOU WILL.
YOU ARE SO WORTHY.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
SO ENOUGH.
SO LOVED.
SO ABUNDANT.
YOU ARE FILLED WITH JOY.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU LACK.
YOU ARE AT PEACE AND YOU ARE AT REST.
There is absolutely NOTHING you need to do, be, have, get, buy, attain, ask for in order to have value because your existence alone is in and of itself WHOLE AND COMPLETE AND WORTHY AND ENOUGH AND ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, GLORIOUS AND PERFECT.
You are right where you need to be.
You are not late, you are not early – you are right on time – right here, right now, beautifully as you are.
Don’t be afraid to lose.
Don’t be afraid of time.
Don’t be afraid that things will not work out.
Experience each moment as it is without resistance. Or perhaps resist if you must because all of your experience is valid.
Cry if you must.
Sleep if you must.
Take a break if you must.
And know deeply, deeply, that you are being held right now in the loving arms of a life force that holds you blameless, shameless, and perfectly whole.
I love you.
Don’t worry.
Don’t be afraid.
Even when you lose, you win.
0

Fleeting Time

“How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line, can’t define what I’m after”            -O.A.R

It’s like life keeps making me reasses everything.
Can’t hang on to anything. 
 
Everything is temporary. Nothing actually belongs to me. I can’t hold on to anything. And I lose everything. Nothing lasts forever. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it when things get taken away from me. It hurts. 
I want to hold on to things. People. Places. Things. Statuses. I don’t want to let go. 
 
I’m selfish.
I want things for myself. 
I want things and people and places to fulfill me.
To validate me. 
To be a reminder that I am safe and that I haven’t lost. I want to be reminded that I’m okay. 
And that you’re here. And I’m here.
And that you haven’t left. 
And that I haven’t left.
And that everything is the same.
And that it won’t change. 
And that it’s perfect.
 
But it’s not.
Because everything is stripped away from me.
I work so hard to have it all taken away.
My face becomes wrinkled.
My bones become weak.
Everything breaks.
People walk away. 
They die.
They change.
Things are no longer how they used to be.
The corner deli is gone.
This town looks completely new.
What’s left of what used to be?
What’s left of us?
I miss the days when we would roam the city. 
When we didn’t care about buying houses and wedding rings or proper diets. We just stuffed our faces with bubble gum. We just played on the street throwing our shoes in the air because we thought it was funny. 
 
I miss feeling young.
Now I feel old even though I am young.
 
The realization that my time is shrinking is upon me.
That with each day that passes the end of my life approaches. Which could be at any moment. 
At any moment I can be robbed of everything.
And one day I will be.
Time will come knocking on the door and it will say “Time’s up.” And just like that everything I thought mattered won’t matter anymore. Because I will be gone. 
 
Gone like everything else that’s ever left. 
And like everything else that will soon leave after.
0

Want Not to Want

I want to be a dream.
I want to morph.
I want to be light.
I want to make love to you,
and to seduce you.
Then walk away –
and run wildly back into your arms
because my absence never fazed you.

I want to be beautiful like the models on TV.
Not just this average beauty. This “We’re all beautiful in our own way” kind of beauty.
But truly stunning. You can’t get your eyes off stunning.

I want to be beautiful on the inside too – because that’ll make me even more beautiful.
Inside and out. Not just one or the other – both. Not just average but whatever comes right before perfect if perfect isn’t an option.

Then I want to be alone. Alone to love myself. Alone to be perfect – whatever that means to me because what it means to me is always enough when I don’t need you; when I don’t want you.

But then I want to see you. You who is almost perfect. And I want to love you. And then I want to leave you because your imperfection bothers me. Because I want to feel superior – and actually be superior. Not just in theory. Not some narcissism. In truth and in every way better and more perfect than you.

Then I want to cry and feel sorry for myself. Sorry and guilty for ever wanting to be better. And for actually being better.

Then I will humble myself. I will be imperfect. You will have all the right to shine, even brighter than I. You will have right to be anything you desire because you deserve a chance if the game is to be fair and foolproof. This will be the way to prove that I am not necessary. To prove that I am creation and that perfection is irrespective of me even though it is me — it is you. This is the way it’s been all along.

Everything will be fair. Balanced. And it’ll be utterly boring to the wise. Utterly predictable. All it will mean is that everything is possible. And what’s the fun in that? You will know all the answers and pretend not to know. And for what end? Just to live out stories. Stories after stories. And so it will be. I’ll live my story. You live yours. We live ours. And so on ad infinitum.

Then I want to find – I don’t even know what I’d like to find after all that.
It’s never enough because the story never ends. The end is the continuous search because there’s always more. There are no limits. There’s always more. There’s always more. There’s always more.

What satisfies me is to forget. Forget all of it. Forget the stories. Forget you. Forget me. Forget life. Forget all realms.
The black screen forever. Pure nothing. Finally I can rest. This is my favorite place to be. At rest. Not in some point in time telling stories after stories. Not living story after story. But Here. Beyond the Silence. In the Eternal. In the nothing. As nothing. For nothing. Through nothing.

Because only when I am nothing I do not want. Only when I am nothing I am truly perfect.

In being nothing there is nothing I could ever fall short of. There is nothing to miss- nothing to lack – nothing to need – nothing to want.
To not exist is better than to exist.
Because in non-existence there is no such thing as better. Nothing wrong. Nothing right. Literally nothing.

Nothing.

Mmmm. Perfect.

But I cannot convince you of this. It would just be another story. My position versus your position and vice versa as it always is in this dimension of reality. You must come to know it yourself – through yourself, for yourself.

Meet me in the nothing. I’ll be waiting for you. Let’s be together as none again.

And when we are done, if ever, we can always come out and play again. After all, even though I hate your never ending stories, I love you enough to listen.

“See” you there.

 

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑