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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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timing

Written In The Stars?

Sometimes I entertain the idea that maybe things are “meant” to be. Though, I have no idea what’s really going on.

But when it comes to you I can’t help but wonder. It’s like the universe said, “You have to meet this person. I don’t care if I have to bring you 3,000 miles across the country to a very specific place because you were too blind to meet at the other 5 places you both happen to be standing in.”

Comical.

Timing. It’s a thing.

The story about people coming into our lives for a reason, season, or lifetime comes to mind when I think of you. Where do you fit?

Regardless of what happens I want to wish you well for as long as I live. I’m simply glad to have met you. I’m excited and curious to see how the story unfolds.

I’ve been known to go from 0-100 in my relationships, but for the first time I’m just enjoying the ride and learning the value in sharing space with someone without the need to make it into anything more than what it is in the moment.

 

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Timing

I am trying to trust.

*Keyword*, trying.

I’ve freaked out in the past. I’ve worried in the past. And literally everything worked out somehow.

I want to be at step 53949 but I’m at step like 89.

And when I tune in to my hard little head the gentle whisper of the universe just says, “breathe.” “Patience.”

And I’m like, “What!? What do you mean breathe?? Patience?? Don’t you see I need this figured out or else I am doomed?”

There are days where I am so confident about it all. Days where it feels like “Duh. Obviously it’ll work out.” And days where I am like, “Guess I’ll just end up old, broke, and alone.”

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I’ve done a decent job at being fairly stupid. At having an opportunity to be more advanced in my career and finances than where I am now.

Then I rationalize that “Everything happens for a reason.” Or that “I am exactly where I am supposed to be.” Or “I’ve taken a detour so I can become who I was destined to be.”

Blah. Blah. Blah. All the bullshit I need to tell myself so that I don’t feel so horrible about my poor decisions.

Maybe I am too hard on myself. Or maybe I am not hard enough.

Honestly, sometimes I am just downright lazy.

And sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit.

Whatever.

I don’t want to make this another one of those posts where I just complain to you about everything.

When I stop with the tales of woe I can actually see the truth of how privileged and lucky I am.

I live in one of the most beautiful places in a privileged country. I have access to good, organic food and clean water. I have amazing, supportive friends. I have family who care for me. What the fuck do I have to complain about?

This post was supposed to be about timing, as you can see by the title above.

So let me touch upon that for a sec.

I exist. There is something rather than nothing. There is a force operating on the atoms within reality. This force is called time. Today, as we know it, is May 13th 2019. It’s 2:33 P.M in San Diego, California where I am currently existing. Out of all the possibilities in this possibly infinite universe I was made to exist here in this moment. And for what purpose? And to what end?

I don’t fucking know. To sit here and write this message, I guess. And maybe, possibly, to inspire the world.

 

*image credit to google images. Don’t sue me white dude for using your face, please.

Release Control

There are things you can control and there are things you can’t.

You can do your part – whatever that is and then you can fold your arms, sit back and wait for the universe to respond. After you do your part, you gotta release control. It’s crazy making to do anything other than simply relax because there is literally nothing else you can do but wait for the response.

The response may not always be what you like it to be. Because in your small mind you think things need to work out a certain way, in a certain time frame.

The wild fact is we forget that we live in a massive reality with so many moving parts it’s actually mind blowing.

THINK ABOUT IT DUDE, we are in a huge planet spinning in a galaxy surrounded by other huge planets. But forget those other planets for now and let’s just zoom into our own. 

Think about everything that is happening right now simultaneously as you unfold. Think about the people in Asia, Africa, Europe, South America, North America, Australia – and okay, I guess Antarctica. 

Think about all the animals, all the insects, all the plants, all the mystery underneath the ocean.

WHOA.

There is a massive amount of movement going on around us ALL THE TIME.

Within all this commotion we zoom to YOU. To your story. To your particular life within your particular family, friends, circumstances.

And then there is that thing you really want – the health, the relationships, the finances, the career, the house, the pumpkin spiced latte. 

And you want it now.

And guess what? Although there are no guarantees in life, because you can literally just die today and there goes everything — when you do your part, you will get yourself closer to everything you want.

It may not happen the way you want. It may not happen in your time frame. It may not look exactly as you pictured it – but it will happen if you keep doing your part and release control when your part is done.

And hey, sometimes things do happen exactly how you want them to. Sometimes you ask for a raise and you get it. Sometimes you apply for the job and you get it. Sometimes you ask out the cutie from the office on a date and she says “Yes.”

Hooray! Sometimes it works just as you want it, when you want it.

But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it’s 10x more challenging than you dared even imagined.

tenor

This is when you do what you gotta do and then you cross your arms and wait for the response. The more time unfolds before you, the more data you will receive to know how to proceed forward and adjust accordingly.

So release control.
Control what you can and what you can’t just breathe, chill, and enjoy the ride. 

Life doesn’t have to be some serious fucking project we have to make a huge deal out of. It can be easy. It can be fun. If you let it.

So let it and release control.

*image credit to tenor.com

More Adjustment Logs

I thought it would be easy.
I’d get to California and I’d quickly find a good job. Thought I’d be done paying my debt.  That I would have my coaching business running successfully. Thought I’d be feeling in flow, connected, like everything was falling into place. 

RUDE AWAKENING. 

Finding a job here in Cali has been ridiculously difficult. I’m talking even finding a basic job as a waitress to get me some kind of income has been an ordeal. 

People have been giving me the run-around. I interview once, they say come back a second time. I interview a second time, they say come back a third time to meet some other manager who was on vacation and then wait for a call back to do a working interview for an hour so they can see if you’re a right fit. WHAT!?

I’ve interviewed for a position in social work. I’ve also got the run around here. 
“Oh we’ll send you your official offer via email.”
One week later. NOTHING.
Follow up. 3 days later finally get the paperwork.

Complete the paperwork. Go get finger prints. Go get drug tested. Go get TB test. 
One week later: “Have you received all the necessary information for a start date?”
– “Oh, I’m sorry for the delay. I’ll go check on that for you.”

Still waiting.
This has been almost a month long process with this company! 
ORDEAL, I tell ya.

So as I wait my bank account sits and stares at me like “Bitch, we’re getting slim here.”

Debt is increasing not decreasing as I impatiently wait for the universe’s moving parts to just MOVE so I can get a handle on my situation. 

Times like these, when life takes a total turn that is so different from what you had originally imagined, is when I begin to question faith.

“I thought I was called here. I truly felt that. But right now I just want to throw in the towel and give up. Should I go back to the east coast? I don’t want to. I don’t want to go back to the bitter cold. But I also don’t want to live here stressed begging for employment and accepting crumbs from jobs I don’t even want but am forced into because the doors I keep knocking on don’t open. How am I supposed to move forward and feel happy when I keep getting silence, rejections, closed doors? It’s like fighting a losing battle here.”

I keep telling myself this is only temporary. This is only a chapter and not the whole story. 

I keep telling myself to calm the fuck down. It’s only been a month and 2 weeks. 

What is the lesson here…

Not everything goes as planned. DEAL WITH IT. ADAPT.
Not every success happens over night. IT’S A PROCESS.

Is it annoying? YES.
Is it frustrating? YES.
Build frustration tolerance. Build patience.

Sometimes, like a slingshot, you gotta go backwards before moving forwards.

Maybe I was naive in my thinking when I thought everything would be as smooth as silk. 

I am constructing a new life, in a new city, in a new state. 
It’s a major project.
And projects take time.

I must direct my focus on what I do have. 
Support from my family. Support from my friends.
My health. A roof over my head. Food to eat. Clothes to wear. An internet connection to complain on. To process on. To create and share my story on.

I’m blessed when I really look at it. 

I have to let go of the stress and stop trying to rush my life. 
I am going to get over this hump, and I will find myself in better ground.
I just need to accept that the only way through is through this particular dark tunnel right now. Once I’m past it, the light will be waiting for me on the other side along with all the things I’ve journeyed so far to reach. 

Such is life.

*image credit to doghousediarias, found on pinterest

 

Just Venting… Out Loud

You ever just play old songs you’d listen to back in your teenage years and get bombarded by memories of your upbringing?

I’m reliving the past in the present through music.

My heart grows heavy. 

I remember being little always wanting to get away. Grow up. Be on my own.

Well, here I am…

I do love my freedom.

But what have I done with it?

I am building more clarity as each day unfolds. 
My biggest issue is around my angst to already be where I want to be.
Things are not happening fast enough. Not happening in my timing. 

It feels like I am sitting in dead stop traffic, occasionally being able to move forward at about 5 miles per hour. 

*Breathes*

I know I just have to be patient. 

It’s a time of learning to wait.

[crosses arms and throws tantrum]

Yes. I’m going to complain about it.
But only for a little bit. 

To get it out. 
Because I need to acknowledge my feelings.
I need to say “I feel FRUSTRATED…. and it’s okay.”
 

I also know that my feelings aren’t necessarily accurate. I just sometimes grow extreme and get in my head becoming blinded by emotions that block my better reason.  It FEELS like I am getting nowhere, but in reality I’ve accomplished so much. I’ve come so far. This is what I need to acknowledge so that I don’t dig myself into a hole that FEELS otherwise. Just because something feels a certain way doesn’t mean it’s true.  Feelings come and go. 

Right now I need more: Patience. Trust. Faith.

Trust is another big lesson for me. 

*Breathes*

Letting go of control.

*Breathes*

Doing what I can do. Letting go of the rest.

I know it’ll get better. 
I just wish better was today.

*BREATHES*
*SIGHS*

Okay. I’ve complained. I’ve pouted. I threw my little tantrum.

Now I’m gonna roll up my sleeves and get back to it.

[turns old sappy music off] 

*image credit to me.me

Waiting

I’m in a waiting period.

Waiting for all the seeds I’ve planted to bloom.

I’ve done my part. I’ve done everything I can do in this moment. The only thing left to do is wait.

I have two choices. I can either sit here anxiously looking up at the heavens while giving the universe the stink eye – like make it happen alreadyyyy!!!

Or… I can relax.

I can appreciate all this FREE time I’m being granted to simply exist. No need to be anywhere. Run anywhere. Get anywhere. It’s simply stay put and relax time.

But then a part of me feels like I’m not getting anywhere. I’m not getting ahead fast enough.

But I also have two choices here.

I can entertain all kinds of repetitive, nagging thoughts that say “you’re not moving fast enough. You should be more ahead. Things need to be happening faster. You’re just wasting time. You’re delayed to your own life. You don’t have the things you want.”

Or…

I can choose different. I can choose to think that this is the exact place I need to be right now. There is no place to rush to. My life is here, now. I can be comfortable in this moment. This is a learning period, not a “doing” period. Even though things are moving at a slower pace doesn’t mean they can’t suddenly accelerate at a different time, like in a race car game when the last car suddenly catches those turbo boost lanes that leverages them towards first place.

race car

What voice am I going to feed?

Probably a little bit of both. Because I’m human and pout and throw tantrums when I don’t get what I want. But then I catch myself. I soothe myself saying, “I know you want to be at step 6, 7 or 8 but right now you’re at step 2 and it’s frustrating. I know it all looks overwhelming. And that’s okay. This is a process. Be okay with the process. Choose to believe that life is working FOR you. It’s not a matter of IF but WHEN it all will manifest. So enjoy the unfolding. One day at a time. No rush. No tantrums. Go have fun!”

I freak out, then everything works out in the end. Maybe a part of me thinks that I need to freak out to get things to move faster. But really, I just need to trust and relax. Because when I look back at my life, I don’t want to have an archive of anxious, sad, stressful memories. I want to see endless footage of me smiling through my life.

 

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*car image credit to APKpure.com

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