Lately I’ve been swimming in duality pretty hard core.
Holding the full weight of the paradox in my nervous system.
Life and death.
Everything and nothing.
Loving you and hating you.
Holding on and letting go.
I must be able to do both.
I am sitting with complexity. With nuance. Learning to be soft and strong. Open and discerning. Hopeful and wise.
I’ve been naive and delusional. There’s a part of me that still is because deep down I still believe in the magical. In the miracle. In the mystical.
There is this new part that is coming through now. A sage. A mothering spirit. A fierce protector. A guard. A part who is more selective. A part who is more refined. A part who knows how to say “no.” A part who can speak up. A part who is grounded. A part who is solid.
Yet in all of that, still holding this full surrendered letting go. Knowing all too well nothing is guaranteed – not even the next moment. I used to believe my dreams would certainly come to pass. Now, I still believe they will but with the awareness they are not guarantees. It’s all subject to change.
I sit with trust and surrender. I sit with hope and detachment. I sit with anger and understanding. With sadness and awe. With hate and with love. I sit with all of it. It’s like I’ve swallowed the universe whole and it’s ripping through my throat as it goes down past my chest taking bits of me and it sits in my tummy. It’s a painful digest. It’s a painful release. And a beautiful, glorious transformation.
I am being asked to wait, but I don’t wanna.
I want everything to happen all at once.
What a babe.
The excitement is in the not knowing. The adventure is about the unraveling. The mystery. The challenges. The pain along the way that can teach you all you need to know about pleasure.
Gahh… I feel a million things in one. But this is what makes this all exciting.
I’ve had this pattern of rushing for a long time. I am learning to slow down. To be more gentle. To delay gratification. To think a little longer before answering. I am also learning to honor my own speed. I am my own person. I am on my own journey. I want to honor this journey without trying to force the fruit before it’s ready. This is no easy task. Especially when you’re caught in a terrifying storm you want nothing but to pass. Yet the way is the way.
But, man, do I wish I was just a little further along.
This is coming from that pouty, rebellious teen ager within me who keeps asking “are we there yet??”
It’s all good though. I have to trust that life knows the way. It knew to make my heart a heart, my hand a hand, and intelligently organize this entire experience without my own doing… I suppose it probably knows a thing or two — don’t ya think?
I once saw a post on TikTok where someone said “Ok, but does the process know we are trusting it??” LOL.
We’re told to trust the process. But what does the process have in store for us? Could be good, could be not good. Could just be a bunch of meh.
I hear that the path is more about the internal journey than the external. It’s more about being okay with what IS vs frustrated over what isn’t. Have you heard of Michael Singer? Best selling author of “The Untethered Soul.” I tell everyone to read this book. It’s been by far the most transformative in helping me relax with what is vs fighting with reality. This doesn’t mean we don’t take actions to improve the experience, it just means it doesn’t come from a place of fighting the experience.
SIGH.
I am excited and bored all in one.
I am clear and lost all at the same time.
I am ecstatic and apathetic in the same instant.
I am both.
I am here and not here.
But I am here.
Passing.
Passing passing. Look. I have just passed from that moment to this moment. And I will keep on passing. Passing. Passing. Passing.
GAHHHHH.
What to prioritize? Do I sell it all and run? Run to Thailand and ask my crush to come along? Do I stay put and chip away at day to day life with a good routine that sets me up for success?
WHAT MATTERS?
I don’t know.
The other day I heard myself say, “Perhaps, after all, there is no magic.”
My heart broken at the thought of a meaningless universe.
I’m holding my breath in anticipation that everything will turn around and the sneaky suspicion that there is something beautiful here for us is going to finally reveal itself and it will all make sense. All the pain, the hardships, the sadness, the difficult times — it will all be for a good and greater purpose.
I gotta trust. I gotta keep believing.
I gotta keep having faith even when I want to collapse instead.
So I pick up the pieces of my wounded little soul and wipe the tear off my cheek. I remind myself I am a warrior. I am strong. I am capable. I am resilient. I am here for a reason.
If only I could stop playing small. If only I could release all this dirt from my DNA and re-wire, re-program, re-code myself into the light. Calibrate myself into the frame of existence where I own my world. I own my reality. I’m not lost or afraid or feeling out of control. Defeated.
So much energy spent on processing nonsense. On being in “Woe is me” mentality. Sulking. Complaining. Drowning in this muck. Giving my power away. Feeling like the forces that are trying to sink me are so much greater than me. Gasping for hope.
WHERE ARE YOU GOD? Were you ever even there?
What is this? Who am I? Why am I in this constant state of dis- ease when I KNOW deep down in my bones there is so much more than that. Yet I can’t seem to tap into it. I can’t seem to cross over.
I keep reaching, reaching, reaching — falling back down.
Reaching, striving, reaching, reaching — falling further down in quantum quicksand.
sizufdhgidhfgidhfbodhf. It angers me. Annoys me. I can’t get away from me. 24/7 stuck in this body which in truth I love so much. “I love you.” I whisper to myself. “I care.” “I’m here.” “I’m listening.”
I sink deeper into my body. Craving ecstasy, freedom, boundless unity and mass expansion. I want to melt into the nothing. I want to become one with the ethers. I want to be free.
What if I could wholeheartedly trust?
What if I didn’t have any doubt?
What if my trust was so great that it became synonymous with fact?
What if all I needed to do is be exactly as I am and do exactly as I do without being afraid? Without beating myself up?
What if the universe has me safe at all times? That even the dark, unsavory moments of my journey were all part of my learning plan.
What if I could just let go of trying to control all the details. What if I could just trust that the higher order of things is in alignment to my greatest good and I need not fight, squirm, or throw tantrums.
What if I could learn to just enjoy the journey. To not get so caught up in my inner struggle of “Why isn’t this happening sooner?”
If I could just breathe. Just breathe.
If I could stop rushing. Stop yearning. Stop chasing.
Why am I in such a hurry? Why am I trying to be at the destination already? Why can’t I just be okay with the process and not focus so much on the result?
If I could just be here now. If I could just learn to accept that not everything goes my way and that’s okay.
If I could master the art of simply existing.
If I could trust.
I want to trust.
What would it take to get you to trust? To let go? To believe that you are supported by universal flow? That every little thing that has ever happened to you whether labeled “good” or “bad” served a purpose?
I’ve been asking to learn to trust.
But I think it’s easier for me than some.
My cross doesn’t seem too heavy compared to others.
There are people going through extreme hardship. Their basic needs are being threatened while I’m over here privileged to be complaining about the pimple on my cheek that threatens my self-esteem as I eat peanut butter spread on a rice cracker. Ya feel me?
What about them?
Do they have the right to say:
“How could I trust when the medical report shows I’m stuck with this disease for the rest of my life?”
“How could I trust when I lost my home and my family?”
“How could I trust when I have no food to eat?”
Hm…
Let’s talk about resistance for a moment.
Reality is.
Whatever is, is.
“It is what it is” as they say.
In every moment we have a choice.
We can resit the present moment. We could fight against what is by choosing to stay angry, upset, blaming the world, and festering in the dissatisfaction of the hand that was dealt to us.
Or we can choose not to resist. We can choose to remain in trust that despite the deeply shitty shit that is happening in our life it serves a purpose and we CAN withstand, learn, grow, manage and overcome it.
Hm…
But still,
I wonder about the people who just aren’t even aware they have that kind of power.
They are caught up in the struggle for their basic needs and ain’t got time to be talking philosophically about trust and all that airy-fairy, let’s hold hands and have faith type thing.
Perhaps, then, it is our duty to help shed that light. “Our” meaning we, the stronger ones. Perhaps it is our duty to help the weaker. To extend our hand and pull these people up from the ground. But not as so to enable but to support and enlighten so that they can have the foundation and tools to awaken to their power and come in to trust.
I wish you could see how strong you really are.
How capable.
How everything you’ve ever wanted is but a choice away.
That if you believed and saw the light within you’d be unstoppable.
I am learning that in order to make life happen you gotta really want it. You could have your dreams or you can have your excuses but you can’t have both.
It doesn’t even have to be difficult. There are ways to break down big goals into smaller bite size goals that can be easily accomplished.
What do you want?
Really.
What do you truly want?
Are you afraid to dream big?
Or are you able to dream but tell yourself it just isn’t possible?
Well.
I’m here to tell you that you CAN dream big and you CAN make it happen.
The thing is, that BIG dreams require BIG action.
Are you up for the work?
Because nothing comes without energy.
Energy will be needed to bring about that vision into reality.
It can be done in easy, small steps.
Are you willing to be patient?
Great accomplishments take time.
Are you willing to enjoy the process and be happy in the here and now as you move towards the climax of your life?
Are you willing to remain present? Remain joyful every step of the way?
Are you willing to stay committed? Encouraged even when there are unexpected setbacks?
Life is unpredictable. We gotta learn to adapt. Adjust. Be flexible.
Play. Dance. Move with the flow.
Know that you have everything it takes, keep at it, and don’t give up.
It’s been over a month since I’ve had any income. Between my cross country move from NYC to Cali, rent, bills, and food expenses my wallet is starting to shrink.
I’ve gone on a handful of interviews, applied to literally over 100 jobs in a variety of fields, but haven’t actually landed anything. So as I leave yet another interview empty handed, with no job offer and without knowing when exactly my next paycheck will be, my spirit withers.
My mind begins to wander in darkness, spiraling through thoughts of “Maybe I’m not as good of a candidate I thought I was. Maybe I’m at the bottom of the barrel. There must be something wrong with me. Maybe I won’t make it out here, and this whole childish fantasy of mine was just a delusion – just a mistake.”
But as I walk through the streets of San Diego being kissed by the sun, hugged by the gentle breeze, and hypnotized by the sight of the calming palm trees, I’m reminded that I made the right choice even though right now I am not currently where I would like to be.
I remind myself that the journey itself is the destination. I remind myself to trust the process.
There is no need to rush.
No need to fear.
No need to let anxiety or worry run the show.
I am choosing to remain in flow.
I am also accepting, digesting and processing the fact that worry, anxiety, stress and even depression are a natural response to not getting what I want, when I want, as I want. These are natural responses to being out of my comfort zone. This is okay to feel. But I am also releasing these emotions as they come up because I am actively choosing to have faith despite of the facts.
I am breathing in flow energy and breathing out resistance. I am choosing hope over fear. I am choosing trust over anxiety. I am choosing calm over stress. I am choosing joy over depression.
I am choosing to enjoy the unfolding. I’m not taking life so seriously, and am choosing to have fun as I move through this period of adjustment in my life.
This is not always easy to do.
I’ve sat alone and cried, thinking “I have no strength. I can’t do this.” I’ve had a day where I didn’t want to get up from bed because I didn’t want to go on another interview to try to convince someone of my worth and why they should hire me. I didn’t want to put another fake smile on my face. Didn’t want to get dressed. Didn’t want to socialize with anyone.
So I gave myself permission to go through my emotions. To accept, love and honor myself in this process. To comfort myself and just say, “Hey, girl, what you’re feeling is totally okay. You’re going through a challenge right now. Who wants to smile and dance when they experience rejection on top of rejection? It’s okay to feel like this. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Be human. Be wildly human.”
Pep talks help.
Texting my woes to friends who encourage me help.Then getting up the next day, remembering that, “Oh, I’m actually a badass, go getter, New York City bitch and a beloved daughter of this universe,” gives me the fuel to keep pushing forward. To keep having faith. To trust the process.
So I breathe. Roll up my sleeves and keep moving.
Try this new method of relating with the circumstances in your life: completely release having to control all the details and timing and just trust that everything will align.
If you’re anything like me then you want everything done yesterday and at the speed of light. You stress and worry about whether or not the things you want will manifest into your life. BUT ENOUGH of living like this. ENOUGH of living under pressure. Wouldn’t life be more fun if you just chilled the F* out? Where are you rushing to? Do you really think that stressing is going to make things happen faster? It’s not. Things will happen at the speed that they will happen whether you stress it or not. So why not chill out and trust the unfolding instead? It’s way more fun this way!
Take the necessary action to get yourself from A to B and then CHILL. Do your part. Whatever that is.
-Wake up early.
-Create a resume.
-Network.
-Research.
-Go to the gym.
-Eat a healthy meal.
-Start that website.
-Create that dating profile.
-Write that blog post.
-Get out of the house and go for a walk.
-Start a savings account.
-Apply to new jobs.
-Tell that person “this relationship is no longer working for me.”
WHATEVER IT IS FOR YOU THAT YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO BE DOING – GO DO IT NOW and WHATEVER RESULT YOU ARE WAITING FOR, TRUST THAT IT WILL MANIFEST.
Co-create your life with the universe.
Release feeling like it’s NOT going to happen. Change that mindset of “I’ll never make it.”
EVERY DAY tell yourself: I AM ABLE TO ACHIEVE ALL MY GOALS. LIFE WORKS IN MY FAVOR. EVERYTHING WILL FALL INTO PLACE.
TRUST!
Take action and release control.
Take action and release control.
Take action and release control.
Trust. Trust. Trust.
SMILE.
Life is working in your favor – STOP LETTING YOUR MIND TELL YOU OTHERWISE.
Start looking at the EVIDENCE that SHOWS you that what you want IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE.
Try this as an experiment: When you see yourself gettin’ all worked up because sh*t’s just not coming together exactly how you want at the speed that you want – BREATHE — and say: I release control in this moment and I relax in the knowing that this is a process and just because it is not in front of me in this PRECISE moment, does not mean that it will NOT happen.
OF COURSE it’s going to work out!
Of COURSE I am going to achieve my goal. I am unfolding into it. I am trusting this journey.
OF COURSE the universe is on my side.
OF COURSE I am loved.
OF COURSE I am capable.
OF COURSE the doors of opportunity will open for me.
OF COURSE my health is going to improve.
OF COURSE I can bounce back from this rejection.
OF COURSE I can heal my wounds.
OF COURSE I can make this change.
OF COURSE I can have a successful business.
OF COURSE! OF COURSE!
YES! YES! YES!
I am here to tell you YES. RELAX BABY! RELAX.
Take aligned action and RELAX. IT WILL HAPPEN!
Believe with me. Trust with me. Breathe with me. Take the leap with me.
IT WILL HAPPEN!
This is a note to myself.
Making or feeling like you’ve made a mistake is okay. You can adjust from there. You shouldn’t feel afraid to be you and say what you feel and express yourself freely. If It’s not reciprocated be ok with it and let it be and let it go. Adjust from moment to moment. Forgive yourself moment to moment. Don’t beat yourself up.
You’ll be okay.
You are okay.
Don’t be ashamed for your feelings.
It’s so okay. You are soooo okay!
I promise you’re okay!
I promise you’ll be okay!
It’s all okay!
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