Lately I’ve been grappling with what actually matters in love and life.

What are we really doing, ya know? What’s the point?

If we don’t figure out the death problem then we’re all going to die. Yet we don’t seem to be talking about that enough. Some say there is an after life. A heaven. A hell. Some say there is nothing. Some say we re-incarnate. Too many different narratives make me unsure what is true.

I’m aging. Time is passing. I’ve already aged since I started this post. We’re all moving. We’re all changing. What is really the point?

Sometimes I want to sell everything and just drive off on the road without a clear destination. This idea sounds cute in theory until I need a bathroom. A shower. A bed. A place to stand and stretch. A kitchen to cook and store food. So maybe what I really want is more adventure, not to sell all my things and go into the road indefinitely. I’ve done multiple cross country road trips. They’re cool but it does get tiring being on the road at times.

Anyway, back to the point.

What matters?

Health seems to matter. If we’re going to exist might as well be in a body that operates well and feels decently good.

Food. Shelter. Connection. And I suppose some kind of purpose.

There is a force moving us forward whether we like it or not. I can’t stay still even if I wanted to. Something is moving me forward. Which begs an even greater question, am I just watching my life happen and have no real but only perceived control over it? Too much of a big question I don’t want to get into at the moment but certainly an interesting one.


Gah.
Experiences. Do they matter? If so, which?

We all have different ideas of what experiences we want. Take motherhood, for example. Not all of us womb holders want to have the motherhood experience. How does one go about deciding what experiences matter?

—

DEEP BREATH IN
DEEP EXHALE OUT

—

Life is both this deeply profound, delicious, juicy nectar I want to soak up while marveling in complete breathtaking awe… AND… an incredibly soul crushing, agonizing, gnawing, bleeding, heartless devastation.

!ROAR!

Roar at this magnificence and this gut wrenching emptiness.

ROAR at this EVERYTHING-NOTHING THING.

WHAT MATTERS?!