I was petting Luna the dog and felt so inspired to write this after.
I was observing just how perfect all her hairs are. I noticed my hand petting her and the sensory experience of “feeling”. I am marveled at the incredible design work of existence.
There is no way you can convince me there isn’t something incredibly special happening right before our eyes. I am speechless in the face of it all. How intelligently designed our reality is. I am marveled. Taken aback and breathless.
When I stop to contemplate it all I cannot help but feel this ecstatic wonder. Deep excitement! Why would we take this experience for granted? How could we walk around numbed and dull? Are we drugged and hypnotized into thinking any of this is just “normal”? GAHHHHH, I want to shout it from the rooftops and mountains – “WE EXIST!!! AND IT’S EPIC!!!”
It excites me so much I want to sing. I want to turn my life into a musical. I want to dance, prance, skip, hop, and twirl into the ethers like a fairy.
How are we not LOSING it with blissful awe at the magic that is before us?
I want to be lost in the magic every day. I want to ADORE each moment, even the ones I rather not experience.
Let’s hold hands and co-create something beautiful. Something we are excited to wake up to and play in.
It’s up to us. We are the ones co-creating the systems, the laws, the roads, the cars, the twinkies.
It’s us.
It’s up to us.
It’s the middle of the night and I’m fantasizing about living a million different lives…
How I wish I could be a Carrie Bradshaw dressed in Vera Wang, waltzing around the streets of New York City in dazzling high heel shoes. A trace of delicate perfume in the air on a summer evening, headed to a cocktail party with the girls.
Then I fantasize about having an eat, pray, love story in Bali. Barefoot. Mala beads. Light, flowy dress. Cross legged. Smoke of an incense dancing in a small, colorful room decorated with Buddha heads, meditation pillows, and ancient philosophy books sprawled on wooden tables.
Ahhhh
I wish there was time to do it all. To live the different flavors of life. To taste the different vibes. To embody the energy of different realities and get to live it all.
Sigh.
Life’s weird.
~~.~~
Well, let me tell you about my love life.
I’m currently with a man who is sweet,
but it feels like so many parts of me with him are dead.
Like that deep, earthy part that years to get completely submerged in inexplicable love that goes beyond senses.
The part that wants to be fully seen and understood without judgement.
The part that feels comfortable with silence and can rest peacefully in tune with all that is–no wants, no worries, just pure ease and bliss. Like “This is it!”
The part that feels like an embodied woman-sexy, wild, free, shameless. In full feminine energy, embracing her body, her cycles, her perfect imperfections.
The part that feels both like a queen and a little girl. Loved and looked after. Honored and respected.
Lol
am I delusional?
a part of me just thinks I should be happy with what I have. That I shouldn’t “self sabotage” because of some fantasy.
But I can’t help but wonder if maybe…
just maybe… there are still parts of me in the space time continuum that are waiting to mature. Waiting to be unlocked and unleashed. But not just yet. Not right now.
I wonder… are we addicted to feeling sad? scared? worried?
Because it feels too weird being happy.
It feels too weird to let our guard down.
Because letting our guard down, letting our system relax, means danger could be lurking at any corner.
We must be on hyper-vigilance. Looking out for any possible threat.
Interpreting every detail. Staying two-three steps ahead of the game just to be safe.
Can’t let anybody fool me.
Can’t let myself get hurt.
Can’t let them try to pull a fast one on me.
Can’t let myself stay behind on the race.
Are these the kind of thoughts that are keeping us stuck?
Because we are afraid to swim in peace because you never know when a shark is gonna come out from under and just rip your feet apart when you stop looking?
Am I just too scared to let go and truly be happy? Truly start seeing miracles literally unfold right before my eyes?
Is that too crazy?
Is there something actually really beautiful happening right now but I am just too scared, too “real,” too worried to see it?
What would have happened if I actually let go that night? If I actually allowed myself to truly love you? If I wasn’t scared to say yes. If I wasn’t trying to run away. Would I have turned around and seen the light? Because there would have been no better moment in my life.
What If I were to swim without fear. Walk without fear. Dance without fear. Laugh without fear. Speak without fear. Breathe without fear. Play without fear. Simply exist without fear.
What would that look like?
What would that be like?
Why must I apologize for the way I feel? For the way I think? I am not a murderer or a thief. I just want to kiss mouths and travel the world. I just want to have my own opinions and say “I prefer red” when the flamboyant waiter says “we have a large selection of white wines.”
I am a dreamer and I adore my fantasies. I am awake because I must be.
Let’s ride this unicorn and have wild hair. Let’s breath underwater and dubstep on crashing waves.
Will you meet me in my dreams? Where we can be anything and do everything unapologetically. This linear world is getting old.
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