This is a complete raw and unedited version of whatever is on my mind at this moment…
Speaking up for myself and defending my feelings is not something I’m about to apologize for.
Enough of your wishy-washy, bullshit attitude I’ve so long stood for and perhaps even enabled every time I smiled and said “it’s fine” when it really wasn’t fine.
But enough on that topic.
Here’s what I’m learning:
No attachment is salvation from suffering. Or at least it helps with the pain of loss.
No one belongs to anyone. No one owns anyone. Or any-THING, for that matter.
No one person can meet all my needs. And I shouldn’t expect anyone, or anything to do so.
What a burden I’ve been putting on the world. Expecting it to fill me.
Now I understand more clearly what they’ve taught me at church – that only “God” can fill me.
And my understanding of this is that it’s not an external thing, achievement, person, event, award, whatever that is going to give me fulfillment – but it’s my own being and my own knowing and connection to life despite it all that will provide a sense of filling.
Also realizing that pain is inevitable and that I should welcome and hold space for it.
Learning to hold space for ALL of me.
The good, the bad and the hideous.
Don’t judge these words too harshly. These are the thoughts coming through me which I’m blindly putting on display.
I’ll speak on all this more thoughtfully in a future moment.