reflectoutloud

Passionate Rant

I spent about an hour arguing with my brother about how I don’t believe that Christianity or the Bible is the TRUTH – as he, and so many others preach.

Please, if you’re Christian or religious and are reading this, I really don’t mean any disrespect. Quite contrary, I value your right and freedom to believe whatever feels right to you. All I am saying is that I do not feel like this religion is right, or true, for me.

I think people should be able to believe whatever they want if it makes them truly happy and if it resonates with them personally. I just get annoyed when people (particularly my brother and mother this evening) make condemning statements like “Oh, one day you’ll see. We will pray for you. Judgment day will come and you’ll regret not having listened.”

djadhfiuhfguxhdfuyatfdldjfkvxjvh!!!!!! UGH. Comments like that make me want to roll my eyes so hard they disappear into a black hole.

And then the fact that I get annoyed by their remarks makes me sad. Because it points to me that I clearly need more patience. Like why am I getting all worked up by someone’s silly perspective of how my life will end?

I can’t help it at times and I just get annoyed with the close mindedness. Then I close off. But I want to work on that. Be more patient with their perspectives – even if I don’t agree. I want to be able to have deep respect and appreciation for people’s thoughts and feelings – even when they contradict my own. I want to be fair and listen, even when I don’t agree.

*Breathes*

I was born into Christianity and at one point I deeply believed it was THE TRUTH – until I explored my mind and the world more and discovered that my boxed idea of reality wasn’t quite fitting to my free spirit self. I am a HUGE advocate for freedom and free will. I am also a huge advocate for LOVE AND KINDNESS AND PEACE and there is just absolutely NO FREAKING WAY I am going to sit here and spend my life believing in a God that sends people to burn for eternity. THAT IS CRAZY!! Me, a mere human, would NEVER want to condemn anyone to suffer like that (even if I had the total power to), and why would a loving God do that?

I’m sorry dudes, I just can’t accept that. Why would I want to worship a being who would be so cruel to beautiful, precious, human lives? I don’t care if you’re a psycho killer dude, I would never want to throw you into a fire for eternity – and much less just your average Joe trying to lead a normal, good, atheist life.

I am rambling – but seriously, my brother’s Christian God is one who is soooo freakin’ petty that he’s like “Even though you lived a descent life, was kind to others, paid your bills on time, never got into any trouble, always did the best you can but because you SIMPLY did not believe in my son, Jesus, I am going to have you sentenced to an eternity in hell. See ya!”

oidajfsdfhsfugtgcuycgducsiuh;diohd;oih!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU HEAR HOW RIDICULOUS THAT IS!!!???

It’s simply OUTRAGEOUS!

ANOTHER THING THAT REALLY GETS ME GOING IS….

Ok, dude, you’re God – and you can do ANYTHING. Literally. ANYTHING. And the best possible plan you could come up with to save humanity is to send a human baby into the world to undergo all kinds of general human struggles, only later to get beaten and crucified to save the world?? SERIOUSLY DUDE? That’s your grand plan?
ME – A FREAKING DUMBASS HUMAN, could think of a better plan. Like sheesh, I dunno – WHY NOT SNAP MY FINGER AND JUST DECLARE HUMANITY SAVED – YOU’RE GOD, HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

And what’s worst is that he’s “saving” us from a condemnation HE HIMSELF created by telling us that if we don’t follow HIS WAY, HIS RULES then we’re basically fucked.

AND… There’s more that pisses me off about this religion….

FIRST OF ALL – I didn’t ask to exist, dude. And now that I do, I have to abide by some ridiculous ass rules or else I am doomed. WHAT KIND OF FREAKING FREE WILL IS THAT? IT ISN’T!
There’s no free will if the only choice is to abide by X Y Z rules OR ELSE.
Why can’t I have my own rules? Rules that feel right to me personally? Like, I dunno, don’t eat special brownies and drive – but definitely eat special brownies and have make out sessions while looking at the stars and being free to believe or not believe and it DOESN’T MATTER because GOD, if there is one, isn’t trying to judge your every freaking move and just allows you to BE.

Okay.

Passionate rant over.

On a side note…

I will be starting a Reflect Out Loud YouTube Channel! And I will definitely speak on this topic more elaborately, and again! Among other content that crosses my mind and may hopefully serve the world in some way.

Thank you for following me on this rant. And on my journey. I am sorry if I offended anyone. But seriously, dude – I really rather believe that if there is a God (which I HAVE NO CLUE EITHER WAY) that IT is SOOOOO LOVING and is in everything, and everyone and there is nothing we need to do, be, have, get because there are no real rules and it really doesn’t matter. So make the best of it and live a life you’re happy with.

Something like that.

(Passionate rant officially over)

October 5, 2018 1

Goodbyes

Goodbyes are a funny thing.

Letting go of the familiar and embracing the new.

Knowing that this may be the last time I physically see you. The last time we share the same space.

Saying goodbye makes me want to cry. Because I see that time keeps pushing me to expand. To change. To move in a new direction. To age. To morph. And eventually, to die.

Morbid – but true. I am each moment closer to my last – which could be at any point in time. Whoa. What a realization to have. That at literally any moment I could be sharing my last experience ever.

But enough on that for now.

I am leaving New York City this week and starting a cross country road trip and new life in San Diego, California. I am chasing the sun. The palm trees. The slower pace.
I’ve downsized my life to whatever I can fit inside a midsize SUV which I have rented for 2 weeks.

car

As of this moment I have no job. No apartment out there. Just this car rental, some stuff, a little bit of savings and some courage sprinkled with faith and dashes of hope.

My future is looking so unknown right now.
But I am excited at the same time.

I am excited by the possibility of creating a life that I am truly passionate about.

And it starts here and now. Saying goodbye to everything.

Goodbye Job.
Goodbye friends.
Goodbye family.
Goodbye lovers.
Goodbye home.
Goodbye familiarity.
Goodbye comfort.
Goodbye many possessions.

Hello possibilities. Hello new world, new me.

October 1, 2018 2

What If…

What if…🤔

What if the universe is actually on your side.

What if for once you let go of your fears and believed that you are supported. That you are loved. That people appreciate and want to spend time with you.

What if you just breathe into trust.

What if you turned every negative thought around.

You control the narrative in your head. So what if you told yourself a beautiful, empowering story instead of a sad, debilitating one?

Do you think you’d be happier if you did?

Do you think you could do it?

Try this experiment with me.

Next time choose to believe the best possible thought.

September 28, 2018 0

Die Before You Die

Release.

Die before you die.

Let go before you let go.

You don’t have to be afraid, beautiful, sweet child. You are okay. And it will be okay.

Learn to not be so attached to any outcome.

Learn to experience each moment fully.

Learn to have fun even when life really sucks.

Learn to be grateful even when it’s all going downhill.

I know this can be hard to do.

I know it almost seems impossible to pull through when you’re looking in the mirror and literally all of your demons and their dark destruction are staring furiously back at you ROARING — telling you, “YOU CAN’T MAKE IT. YOU’RE WORTHLESS. YOU’RE NOTHING. IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT. GIVE UP. JUST STOP EXISTING. NO ONE CARES, NOT EVEN YOU.”

In this moment, when everything seems against you, put your hands over your ears and refuse to listen to those voices and fears that cloud your better judgement. Even these fearful voices serve for your awakenening.

Remind yourself of the truth:

YOU CAN.

YOU ARE.

YOU WILL.

YOU ARE SO WORTHY.

SO BEAUTIFUL.

SO ENOUGH.

SO LOVED.

SO ABUNDANT.

YOU ARE FILLED WITH JOY.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU LACK.

YOU ARE AT PEACE AND YOU ARE AT REST.

There is absolutely NOTHING you need to do, be, have, get, buy, attain, ask for in order to have value because your existence alone is in and of itself WHOLE AND COMPLETE AND WORTHY AND ENOUGH AND ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, GLORIOUS AND PERFECT.

You are right where you need to be.

You are not late, you are not early – you are right on time – right here, right now, beautifully as you are.

Don’t be afraid to lose.

Don’t be afraid of time.

Don’t be afraid that things will not work out.

Experience each moment as it is without resistance. Or perhaps resist if you must because all of your experience is valid.

Cry if you must.

Sleep if you must.

Take a break if you must.

And know deeply, deeply, that you are being held right now in the loving arms of a life force that holds you blameless, shameless, and perfectly whole.

I love you.

Don’t worry.

Don’t be afraid.

Even when you lose, you win.

September 23, 2018 0

POLYAMORY

I cannot tell you how much the concept of polyamory has cracked the walls surrounding my beliefs and ideas on relationships.

The idea that we are truly free and that no one has ownership or power over our person is fully liberating.

I’ve been watching a lot of videos by Conor and Brittany on YouTube. Here is one of their videos that have inspired me and opened my mind even though some resistance and fear yells and claws at me in the background:

So much inner chatter comes up for me as I breakdown old beliefs and begin to understand how to relate beyond the standard programming.

How can I learn to truly let go and embrace real freedom? Freedom from possessing? Embracing the fact that nothing and no one belongs to me but we instead meet as full beings in this plane of existence where for some time we are able to share space with one another in connection.

Connection is not possession.

You are free, dear one. You are free to experience life in all its forms without limits. I do not impose limits on you based on my insecurities and fear. I breathe into my insecurities and perceived lack. I learn to heal my own wounds without burdening you.

I am free.

You are free.

We are free. And we are love. Full, whole, complete in and of ourselves. And it’s from this space of wholeness that we meet and connect without pressure, without rules, without labels and without fear.

I have still so much to learn.

*image credit to Pinterest/learningpoly.com

September 6, 2018 0

Loss

I keep writing about loss lately.

Time keeps robbing me of people, places, things and experiences. It is painful.

I keep telling myself I must learn to let go. Learn to let go even before I lose something, because then when that day comes it won’t affect me since I’ve never possessed it anyway.

I’m going through a big transition soon. I’m scared, but also excited for the change.

I feel a lack of strength lately. A lack of motivation. Fear that the future will be darker than the past.

Yet despite this large part of me that feels so afraid, there is still a little light inside that shimers and whispers, “It’ll be okay. Don’t worry. I got you. You’re safe.”

September 5, 2018 0

8/27/2018 First Morning Thoughts

I just woke up around 11:08 AM. I slept a lot and dreamt a few dreams that right now I vaguely remember. And this below are the first thoughts that came through me upon awakening:

I have my own agenda and I don’t think that’s evil.

I have my own interests and I don’t think that’s bad.

I hold my own space and that is not bad.

I am here too.

I deserve too.

I have rights too.

My needs matter too.

My wants matter too.

And that is not a selfish thing, that is a natural right of being.

It is not selfish to take care of myself.

It is not selfish to say “Hey, I have needs and I want to take care of them” and not by anyone’s expense but through the natural order of things.

I belong too.

I matter too.

My thoughts, my feelings, my opinions matter too. And they don’t have to matter to you, like yours don’t need to matter to me. I’ll respect yours and I ask that you respect mine, and that is all.

*image credit to enchantingminds.net

August 27, 2018 0

No Attachment

I’ve been practicing this new way of being. I am not attaching to my thoughts as often as I used to be, especially not the negative ones.

My mind is usually going on and on about anything and everything. Analyzing, criticizing, fantasizing all kinds of scenarios, breaking things apart, putting them back together, accessing memories from years back and entertaining ideas about their meanings, projecting myself into the future, rubik’s cubing all the possible scenarios to manipulate outcomes, interpreting external cues and data, attempting to make sense of it all, wondering if I’m being perceived okay and if I fit in or not, worrying about rejection and doom, catastrophizing, rationalizing, compartimentalizing, all over the placealizing, and boy, let me tell you, it’s exhausting!!!

And: #ain’tnobodygotimefordat

I have to LET THIS WAY OF BEING GO!

I don’t live in real time when I live like this. I live in the mind. Lost in a story. Lost in thoughts that are usually negative.

No. No. No. No more!

I want to simply exist. Let whatever thoughts cross my mind but not latch on to them like they’re reality. They’re just thoughts. They are NOT TRUTH.

I don’t have to entertain whatever chatter pops up in my head. Ideas have no power over me unless I start to entertain, accept, attach and believe them. Fuck that noise.

I want to live HERE and PRESENT. Not in some limiting bullshit ass story that is running in my mind.

Nope. Unsubscribe from that party!

——

I’m not yet fully versed in this new way of being yet, though. I’m a newbie at it.

But even as a newbie it’s helping me so much already. I am working on my mental health like I am working on my physical health. My mind is a muscle that I can train just like I can train my body. And I want to train it to serve me, rather than be a servant to it’s loose ramblings.

Wish me luck! And good luck to those of you out there practicing the same. You’re a badass and I love you!

❤️

August 25, 2018 1

Fleeting Time

“How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line, can’t define what I’m after” -O.A.R

It’s like life keeps making me reasses everything.

Can’t hang on to anything.

Everything is temporary. Nothing actually belongs to me. I can’t hold on to anything. And I lose everything. Nothing lasts forever. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it when things get taken away from me. It hurts.

I want to hold on to things. People. Places. Things. Statuses. I don’t want to let go.

I’m selfish.

I want things for myself.

I want things and people and places to fulfill me.

To validate me.

To be a reminder that I am safe and that I haven’t lost. I want to be reminded that I’m okay.

And that you’re here. And I’m here.

And that you haven’t left.

And that I haven’t left.

And that everything is the same.

And that it won’t change.

And that it’s perfect.

But it’s not.

Because everything is stripped away from me.

I work so hard to have it all taken away.

My face becomes wrinkled.

My bones become weak.

Everything breaks.

People walk away.

They die.

They change.

Things are no longer how they used to be.

The corner deli is gone.

This town looks completely new.

What’s left of what used to be?

What’s left of us?

I miss the days when we would roam the city.

When we didn’t care about buying houses and wedding rings or proper diets. We just stuffed our faces with bubble gum. We just played on the street throwing our shoes in the air because we thought it was funny.

I miss feeling young.

Now I feel old even though I am young.

The realization that my time is shrinking is upon me.

That with each day that passes the end of my life approaches. Which could be at any moment.

At any moment I can be robbed of everything.

And one day I will be.

Time will come knocking on the door and it will say “Time’s up.” And just like that everything I thought mattered won’t matter anymore. Because I will be gone.

Gone like everything else that’s ever left.

And like everything else that will soon leave after.

August 21, 2018 0

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