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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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Fall Short

I’m always thinking about how I fall short.

How you’d be better off if I were _____________

fill in the blank.

And I hate it. I hate that in the storm of your potential I find myself less than.

Because I’m so clouded by the bullshit that runs trough my own dark little head.

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Ache

My head aches.

My body aches.

My heart aches.

My stomach aches.

My soul aches.

Was it one drink too many that eventually did it?

I’m tired of being the one who’s always wrong. Despite my every attempt it just seems like I’ll never be good enough for you. I’ll always be wrong. Always be not enough. Always be the crazy blonde girl who jumped on stage.

I don’t like who I see in the reflection mirrored in your eyes. There’s this distorted image of me. There’s me looking away because I can’t make any sense of why you’re staring at me.

Are you trying to figure out if you like me enough to stay? Have you made a decision? Will you ever?

My brain aches trying to decode your mixed messages.

I’m tired. I’m old.

I’m exhausted from overthinking. From trying to “figure it out.”

From wondering if you’re just waiting for someone else to come along so the “place holder” I’ve become can just be discarded like an over used tissue paper.

Actions speak louder than words. And all I hear you saying is “I care. But not enough.”

 

Run

Light’s  on. Makeup smudged across my face. The bathroom mirror reflects back the night’s adventure. My mind goes back and forth between a “What the fuck are you doing with your life” and a “We had so much fun,” speech.

What am I doing? I’m getting glitter painted onto my cheeks at 1:00 A.M while chugging margaritas in a can.

Is this the person my future self will thank me for?

Probably.

I don’t really care too much either way.

It was one night. Of many nights. Where I’ll look up at the stars while holding you and be thankful as fuck to be alive.

Some days I’m excited by it all.

Other days… not so much.

Eyes open. Here we are. Eating less than average Mexican breakfast.

And I’m okay with it. I guess.

 

 

Trust

What if I could wholeheartedly trust?

What if I didn’t have any doubt?

What if my trust was so great that it became synonymous with fact?

What if all I needed to do is be exactly as I am and do exactly as I do without being afraid? Without beating myself up?

What if the universe has me safe at all times? That even the dark, unsavory moments of my journey were all part of my learning plan.

What if I could just let go of trying to control all the details. What if I could just trust that the higher order of things is in alignment to my greatest good and I need not fight, squirm, or throw tantrums.

What if I could learn to just enjoy the journey. To not get so caught up in my inner struggle of “Why isn’t this happening sooner?”

If I could just breathe. Just breathe.

If I could stop rushing. Stop yearning. Stop chasing.

Why am I in such a hurry? Why am I trying to be at the destination already? Why can’t I just be okay with the process and not focus so much on the result?

If I could just be here now. If I could just learn to accept that not everything goes my way and that’s okay.

If I could master the art of simply existing.

If I could trust.

I want to trust.

Ugh

I’ve been replaying the same song over and over.

Thinking how it isn’t fair that I’m the one on the waiting end of the spectrum.

I obviously know better. That isolating myself from others and listening to sappy music is not the recipe for feeling better.

But I’mma sit here and do it anyway.
Because obviously I want to feel this way.

There are days where I feel open. Excited. Connected. Aligned.

And then there are days where I’m like meh.

This is normal.

Sometimes I fall from grace. I get in my own way. I block my own self.

I get lost in my head. In entertaining my limiting thoughts. Forgetting that I have access to purpose and  source at any point in time as long as I tune into it.

*Breathes*

I know, I know it’s all okay. But right now I want to be a baby about it for a little bit.

 

Elusive

You keep me on my toes. 

I like it. I hate it. I love it. I’m not sure what to make of it.

I want you to be happy, fulfilled. You deserve to be smiling every day. You’re beautiful. You add light to this dark world. To my dark world, that’s for sure.

I’m trying to figure “life” out. 
I feel like I’ve gotten to some pretty big milestones. A mini enlightenment, if you will.
And by mini, I mean practically microscopic.  Or perhaps, I’m being modest.

Anyway. 

That is all for now.

Loosen the Grip

I want things to go my way. Obviously.

But they don’t always do.

You come out of nowhere and crush my dreams with one sentence.

And then I have a choice.

Do I fight, argue, and resist what IS? Do I add more pain to the already painful truth?

Or do I say “Fuck it,” accept it, roll with the punches and from that place of peace and acceptance move forward?

I think I’ll subscribe to the latter.

Will I complain a little? Yeah.

Will I say “Gee. I wish that wasn’t the fucking case.” Yeah.

And then I’m just gonna dust my damn self off and move the fuck on. I’m going to deal with it. Accept it. And be okay with the fact that I don’t control everything. But I do control me.

And I choose to release control because it just feels better when I don’t fight to keep something that is naturally moving away.

Gravity. Sometimes it brings us closer, and sometimes it brings us apart.

And I just flow with it.

Is It Me? Or Is It You?

I can’t quite tell if it’s me or if it’s you.

Who’s making me feel not quite right. Not quite at ease.

It feels as if I have one foot forward one foot back. Like I can’t let go of the railing for fear that I may end up falling but with only the ground to catch me.

There’s this unspoken sense that I’m not quite enough. Where am I getting this from? Is it me or is it you?

Am I feeling this way because something within me needs to change or because you’re triggering me to feel this way?

I don’t always like the way I feel around you. The shy, uneasy, insecure parts of me shine most when you’re near.

But it gives me opportunity to practice. To practice not giving a fuck. Because how else will I learn?

I’m at this weird tipping point where it feels like I need to make a more clear decision about us. My hunch is that I need to step away.  But then I go back and forth on the matter.

Maybe I need to chill the fuck out and stop being so emotional, needy, and insecure.
Wouldn’t that be nice?

I think having emotions and needs is normal, though.
I also think we all feel insecure from time to time. It’s called being “human.”

I think what I’m really trying to say is that I need to better manage my shit.

I’m also super hard on myself.

Radical self-acceptance. That’s what my life coach said I need.

That’ll be daily practice.

Waiting

I think waiting is probably one of my least favorite human experiences. 

Waiting in a long line. Waiting for a job offer. Waiting for traffic to clear. For the computer to do its goddam update at the most inconvenient possible time. Waiting for my nails to dry. For the lasagna to bake all the way through.

And worst yet, waiting to hear back from you.  

kthfishfiusgdfudyfgalsoifjsdlfh. 

That’s how I feel about that.

Boredom. It’s a thing.

There’s so much I could be doing with this moment. Productive activities that could probably propel me into some better future but instead I ‘m just sitting here feeling antsy AF. 

Procrastinating. 

Getting nowhere fast. Getting nothing done.

Or at least nothing that seems of value. 

I go back and forth between thinking there’s this greater cosmic plan than my own for my life or that maybe I’m just fucking delusional.  I wonder if perhaps worrying, freaking out, or trying to control all the details is just a waste of my life’s time because everything is going to be just fine.

And then I tell myself  that entertaining this grandiose idea of a “higher plan” is probably me just trying to rationalize my way into being okay with being lazy.  Making excuses for myself to not feel so bad about putting off the work I know I need to be doing in order to up-level my circumstances. 

I worked 40 hours a week for the man in order to produce results. I need to work at least the same for myself If I’m going to make this “be my own boss” thing happen. 

It’s so easy to get distracted. To pretend to be “busy” when really I’m just procrastinating. 

Waiting to see you again… 

Unfocused. Uninspired. Lazy bitch. 

 

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