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Climbing

What a dance its been to find balance. To manage being okay with where I am compared to where I want to be.

I don’t want to miss the journey in an attempt to get somewhere in the future. 

I’ve been looking back at how much of life I’ve already missed in wanting to escape to some future moment. All the fun I could have had if only I wasn’t trying to wish my way out of the present moment.

I went to a bonfire at the beach last night. While in conversation it was said to me, “Be happy where you are.” 

That is the secret. To be happy now while we journey, while we climb.

*image credit to google images

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Mean

I said mean things to you and I’m sorry. Underneath I’m just so scared to tell you how I really feel because if you knew I loved you then you’d run.

I toss between giving in too much and holding back.

I hate being in this place. Of wanting so much to say I love you, mean it, show you, and have it be returned.

You say mean things to me too. You make me anxious. Nervous. And unsure of myself.

I can’t always tell if it’s coming from me or coming from you. If you’re the one who makes me feel this way or if it’s within me.

I was so happy at first. Thinking everything I’ve wanted I had found in such a magical, coinciding way.

And now I’m unsure. I don’t know. And I’m just sitting here feeling sad, lost, and confused.

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Fall Short

I’m always thinking about how I fall short.

How you’d be better off if I were _____________

fill in the blank.

And I hate it. I hate that in the storm of your potential I find myself less than.

Because I’m so clouded by the bullshit that runs trough my own dark little head.

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Ache

My head aches.

My body aches.

My heart aches.

My stomach aches.

My soul aches.

Was it one drink too many that eventually did it?

I’m tired of being the one who’s always wrong. Despite my every attempt it just seems like I’ll never be good enough for you. I’ll always be wrong. Always be not enough. Always be the crazy blonde girl who jumped on stage.

I don’t like who I see in the reflection mirrored in your eyes. There’s this distorted image of me. There’s me looking away because I can’t make any sense of why you’re staring at me.

Are you trying to figure out if you like me enough to stay? Have you made a decision? Will you ever?

My brain aches trying to decode your mixed messages.

I’m tired. I’m old.

I’m exhausted from overthinking. From trying to “figure it out.”

From wondering if you’re just waiting for someone else to come along so the “place holder” I’ve become can just be discarded like an over used tissue paper.

Actions speak louder than words. And all I hear you saying is “I care. But not enough.”

 

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Run

Light’s  on. Makeup smudged across my face. The bathroom mirror reflects back the night’s adventure. My mind goes back and forth between a “What the fuck are you doing with your life” and a “We had so much fun,” speech.

What am I doing? I’m getting glitter painted onto my cheeks at 1:00 A.M while chugging margaritas in a can.

Is this the person my future self will thank me for?

Probably.

I don’t really care too much either way.

It was one night. Of many nights. Where I’ll look up at the stars while holding you and be thankful as fuck to be alive.

Some days I’m excited by it all.

Other days… not so much.

Eyes open. Here we are. Eating less than average Mexican breakfast.

And I’m okay with it. I guess.

 

 

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Trust

What if I could wholeheartedly trust?

What if I didn’t have any doubt?

What if my trust was so great that it became synonymous with fact?

What if all I needed to do is be exactly as I am and do exactly as I do without being afraid? Without beating myself up?

What if the universe has me safe at all times? That even the dark, unsavory moments of my journey were all part of my learning plan.

What if I could just let go of trying to control all the details. What if I could just trust that the higher order of things is in alignment to my greatest good and I need not fight, squirm, or throw tantrums.

What if I could learn to just enjoy the journey. To not get so caught up in my inner struggle of “Why isn’t this happening sooner?”

If I could just breathe. Just breathe.

If I could stop rushing. Stop yearning. Stop chasing.

Why am I in such a hurry? Why am I trying to be at the destination already? Why can’t I just be okay with the process and not focus so much on the result?

If I could just be here now. If I could just learn to accept that not everything goes my way and that’s okay.

If I could master the art of simply existing.

If I could trust.

I want to trust.

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Ugh

I’ve been replaying the same song over and over.

Thinking how it isn’t fair that I’m the one on the waiting end of the spectrum.

I obviously know better. That isolating myself from others and listening to sappy music is not the recipe for feeling better.

But I’mma sit here and do it anyway.
Because obviously I want to feel this way.

There are days where I feel open. Excited. Connected. Aligned.

And then there are days where I’m like meh.

This is normal.

Sometimes I fall from grace. I get in my own way. I block my own self.

I get lost in my head. In entertaining my limiting thoughts. Forgetting that I have access to purpose and  source at any point in time as long as I tune into it.

*Breathes*

I know, I know it’s all okay. But right now I want to be a baby about it for a little bit.

 

5

Elusive

You keep me on my toes. 

I like it. I hate it. I love it. I’m not sure what to make of it.

I want you to be happy, fulfilled. You deserve to be smiling every day. You’re beautiful. You add light to this dark world. To my dark world, that’s for sure.

I’m trying to figure “life” out. 
I feel like I’ve gotten to some pretty big milestones. A mini enlightenment, if you will.
And by mini, I mean practically microscopic.  Or perhaps, I’m being modest.

Anyway. 

That is all for now.

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Loosen the Grip

I want things to go my way. Obviously.

But they don’t always do.

You come out of nowhere and crush my dreams with one sentence.

And then I have a choice.

Do I fight, argue, and resist what IS? Do I add more pain to the already painful truth?

Or do I say “Fuck it,” accept it, roll with the punches and from that place of peace and acceptance move forward?

I think I’ll subscribe to the latter.

Will I complain a little? Yeah.

Will I say “Gee. I wish that wasn’t the fucking case.” Yeah.

And then I’m just gonna dust my damn self off and move the fuck on. I’m going to deal with it. Accept it. And be okay with the fact that I don’t control everything. But I do control me.

And I choose to release control because it just feels better when I don’t fight to keep something that is naturally moving away.

Gravity. Sometimes it brings us closer, and sometimes it brings us apart.

And I just flow with it.

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