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Fascinated

The more I try to figure it all out the less I understand

I’m in awe

of this

all of this

existence itself

it literally blows my mind because it’s just not comprehensible

Talk this out with me for a moment

How is it that everything has precise order and incredibly fine, exquisite design

and then we are just existing here on a planet spinning around in space lit by a ball of fire that is conveniently distanced at the perfect spot to allow all kinds of intricately deigned life forms to take shape who then have to basically figure out how to survive…?

Like what is all this!?

The human body alone is a mind blowing work of art. The fact that this whole machinery constructs itself from a sperm and egg inside the womb and over time encodes itself to form a heart, lungs, eyes, a brain, feet, nails, hair, stomach, digestive tract, a nose, veins, etc – all with such masterful design is hard for me to wrap my head around.

If that’s not fascinating, I don’t know what is.
I merely lose it when I contemplate it.

Have you ever looked at a drawing of the ear drum?

The ear drum alone is incredibly impressive, let alone the entire body!!

Then just look at everything else- the other animals, insects, birds, lizards…

The leaves, trees, plants, fruits.

Bananas trip me out every time. Like how does it know to grow a beautiful cover to protect its fruit so we could eat it? 😭😭 How?? How does it even know to be a banana? What nececitated there be a thing such as a banana? What is encoding all that is to be?

Seriously, wtf is going on? What IS all this!???

And then there’s all the human invention added to the mix – as if life already wasn’t interesting enough

now we have things like iPhones and electricity

and I, a human, am here typing into a phone created by harnessing the elements provided by the planet and the intelligence and skills of the inventors of this technology, so that YOUR magnificently designed eyes could read this.

WHAT!?

Like cmon

I don’t know how we’re not all walking around completely mind blown at every second of the day

But anyway…

I think the point I’m making is that I’m truly in awe

and also feel so small

like what do I really know at the end of the day? So little. Barely anything. I feel like an ant.

What is even the point? Sometimes I don’t get it.

Sometimes I buy into the human story and drama – you know- the pay bills, make money, drive a car, do the laundry, every day normal people bullshit sort of thing.

Is that what life’s about? Is it about something else?
Perhaps cleaning oceans, ending wars, saving kittens, and housing the homeless?

Or is it about experiences, traveling, kissing, trying to make the best of the opportunity to be here?

I don’t know, and don’t know the actual point

But I hope I don’t miss it

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Fake

so the other day I was watching a course on real estate investing so I could learn how it all works

and then I had this epiphany

“It’s fake.” 🫠

let me explain…

We, the humans, are inventing the rules, the laws, the systems, the stuff you see around you

We’re the one making up stuff

We use our intelligence to make stuff from the stuff we find on Earth and then we start making up these rules and stories about it all…

We even invent sounds (words) to point to objects so we can understand and come to an agreement about all the stuff we keep inventing

We make the laws, the systems

it’s made up… by us

It isn’t “real”. There is no actual intrinsic law that says a red light means you stop. We just made that up so we could organize traffic.

So if we make the rules of our world, shouldn’t it just be intuitive that we’d want to make it awesome!?

It’s tricky though because we all have different definitions of what an awesome world would look like and what that means

but I’m pretty confident in our ability to figure it out

to harmonize…

but here’s the other curious thing

there does seem to be some intrinsic order that permeates reality that is in effect apart from our human creations and inventions

Like the sky, and the rain
and the fact that my spoon will fall if I drop it

there are some “laws” of nature
and there there is also the curious thing that there even is something at all to begin with

something rather than nothing

and that something is inherently intelligent and organized, to the point of fabricating your beautiful face which such detail- your beating heart with it’s perfect veins connecting to other parts of your body… and all the living creatures- all so unique and with such FINE detail. Like bro, have you LOOKED at a birds feather and how exquisite it is? And just literally everything. Like a grain of sand, a rock, the ocean, the trees swaying in the wind.

LIKE WTF?
I’m in literal awe

but then zoom in on us… the humans…

and then there’s our stuff… the college applications and the line at the DMV and the glorious cup of coffee at Starbucks, chocolate ice cream, and Seinfeld… oh and the housing situation!!!

We are making up all this extra shit

So given that we are making up the extra shit — shouldn’t we be making it good for us all to enjoy a good time on Earth?

I vote yes!

Because why should some struggle while others don’t?

I don’t know,

this is a long topic and it’s late and I’m sleepy

but yeah

those have been some of my reflections

Too da loo

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Gratitude and other ramblings

Today I am feeling grateful

My body feels relaxed and the temperature outside feels comfortable to my body

I can see the stars from the porch where I’m sitting

I’m clean from a shower and today was a good day

my tummy is adequately full and my body is nourished

ahhhh

how it feels good to take a deep breath and to truly delight in the beauty of a good moment

where your heart is content and your physical body wants for nothing

moments like these are magic

moments like these are precious

I want more peaceful moments to exist for people…

sometimes I think about the others who are struggling and my heart hurts. I want to be able to help more of the world, because I believe we should all enjoy a good life and have as many good moments as possible

I hope we humans become more mature,

less animalistic and a bit more conscious

conscious of our emotions, our thoughts and the impact we have on each other and the world

the more we can learn about ourselves and each other the more we can have understanding and compassion

We all share this planet, we all bleed red
and I believe if we worked more collaboratively, with the understanding we are all part of the puzzle, the more awesome we could really make this life on Earth

anyway… I went on a tangent there

And here’s another one…
Wtf is going on though? What really is this life? What really is all this?

Today I remembered that my favorite aunt died last year…and it reminded me that this life is temporary

it also reminded me that bad things happen sometimes, and it’s like UGH what an interesting experience this is — this life thing… there’s some awesome things but also some really shitty, crappy, painful things that happen… BLEH! What an interesting THING this all is.

Sigh…

I have so much to say but sometimes don’t have the words

Thank you for this incredible experience
Forgive me for my faults, my mistakes, my humanity, my immaturity, my fears, my doubt, my shame, my shortcomings

my desire is to do the best I can and hope for the best,
and I’m sorry that my best sometimes is kind of shitty because I’m just not perfect

sometimes I’m lazy
sometimes I’m scared
sometimes I’m ignorant
sometimes I’m stubborn
sometimes I’m in my ego or too in my pride and avoid humility
sometimes I let the worst parts of me win and I can’t help it

but in my heart I know that I want nothing more than for everything and everyone to be safe and okay, and for all to be well and good… because why would anyone want the opposite of that?

I also think I’m a hypocrite sometimes
because how can I even say I’m a good and “conscious minded” person if I still eat meat

I’m over here preaching love and light yet eating animals that haven’t died of natural cause, wtf is that about? Something I still want to work on in this life time

anyway, enough of my nonsense for the day

thanks for being here

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Control

You don’t control if someone loves you

You don’t control if someone stays

I know the tendency is to be hyper vigilant
To want to monitor
To want to be on the lookout for if the person is going to slip, cheat, hide something, lie, do something you wouldn’t want them to do

but is that how you want to live?
If someone is going to do something they want to do, your vigilance isn’t going to make it stop

it’s better to talk about it, in a healthy way
to ask direct questions

To share openly and honestly

to acknowledge that nothing and no one is yours

nothing and no one belongs to you

you are borrowing everything and everything in this life is temporary

you get to experience things and people and events temporarily

everything is slipping away from you each second

and eventually you die

that is what happens

you and this person you’re obsessed with are both going to die

and so will everyone you love and care about

and so will your pets

Everything will pass away eventually

so… what’s the point of freaking out about something that is inevitably going to end anyway?

I don’t mean to get all dark on you

it’s just a reality

We don’t talk about these things but unless you can transfer your consciousness to a robot body or if there is an after life (which who really knows what that’s really like), you will die and all things will change and pass away — right or wrong?

All this is to say… ALLOW what IS to be

Learn to detach and let go when it’s time

Enjoy things and life while you can, as often as you can, for as long as you can

Deal with things with more grace

Hold yourself with more composure

which isn’t to say it isn’t painful

it’s painful if your significant other cheats, lies, flirts with someone else

it’s painful when people pass away

it’s painful when we lose what we love

honor the pain

cry, journal about it, get therapy, feel the hormones course through your body sending uncomfortable signals all through your system — stomach clench, heart race, rage, sadness, powerlessness, ego punched in the face

life sometimes is also like this — merciless, dark, painful, void

But it’s also full of beauty, forgiveness, rebirth, understanding, revival — love.

You gotta take the good with the bad

and realize you don’t always have control

yes sometimes you are powerless and life will bring you to your knees — but not always

Sometimes we just have to surrender

surrender to what IS

We can’t argue with what is and trying to control it and force it to be different isn’t going to change it

you can always talk about it — you can always try

try to make the best of it, try to find the best way forward

but if something isn’t

then — it isn’t

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Matter

I’m getting ready for a move which has me cleaning out closets, old papers, old boxes

Downsizing even further
Letting go of old clothes
Yet still holding on to old stuff I can’t seem to let go of (letters, journals, photos, a bunch of cables with different random plugs maybe someday I’ll need. You know, the type of stuff you keep in the junk box).

And then there is all this paper of stuff that used to matter but no longer matter

the stuff that once was soooo important but now it‘s going in the trash

and that’s the crazy thing about life

The important eventually becomes unimportant.

We stress so much over life but eventually none of it will matter

which isn’t to say become apathetic about it, but just notice where you’re overly stressing

Live with less self imposed pressure

enjoy life without overly stressing

find more grace in the journey

-breathe-

sigh

anyway…

I feel like I’m changing

in ways I can’t even yet understand
I’m excited and ready for the change

like I’m ready to be this damn butterfly I’ve been waiting to be

but at the same time it still feels like I have some ways to go

some learning to do

so let me take a page from my own book and learn to trust the process

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Slippin’

Today I’ve been reflecting on the passage of time.

How time just keeps on slippin’

Tick tock tick tock

and pretty soon we have to let go…

~.~

I’ve been pet sitting as a side hustle
and I had a dog with me for the last 5 days who I grew to really care for
He was so sweet, obedient, and loving.

During our last hour together I kept looking at him and I felt sadness in my heart.
As we played tug of war all I could think of is that in less than an hour I would be saying good bye

he would go back home to his owner… and that would be it.

The fact I knew that pretty soon I would have to say good bye – boy, it hit me.
Because we can really take for granted the time we’ve been given here on Earth. Our time is limited and each second passing means we are closer to expiration.

We never really know when we will say good bye to the people and things we love most,

it literally could be any moment.

This made me think of the importance of cherishing the good moments of this life and to make it a priority to seek more of the good, because what better else could we be doing with our limited time?

Waste it away in an office working 9-5 doing work we aren’t passionate about? No thanks.

When we realize our time is something we can’t ever get back we start getting picky about it
We won’t just say “yes” to random invitations that serve no good purpose in our lives
We won’t accept getting paid less than we deserve

We won’t waste time doing things that don’t fulfill us

because time is limited
and the sooner we understand that

the sooner we can start valuing and prioritizing what we believe is important

Time is slippin’

tick tock tick tock tick tock….

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Sad

“I’m sad”
This thought follows me around like a shadow

I think it almost every day

It comes in waves – randomly

And you know what – it’s true

because I am sad

I’m sad for all the things that aren’t “right”
Everywhere in the world

I’m sad for the children who suffer
For the parents who don’t know any better
For the hungry
For the poor
For the violence
For the things that go wrong
For the heartbreaks
For the deaths
For the loss
For the sick
For the worker who works so damn hard but STILL can barely get by
For the people who are doing too many drugs because they’re trying to numb the pain
For the wrongs we commit against each other
For the voices that never get heard
For the pain and the suffering that living beings endure
For the mistakes we make
For the times we lie
For the fear and anxiety we experience
For all the bullshit – you name it
Just insert it here _____________ < yes, I’m sad about that too.

And then I’m sad that I can’t do anything about it – I mean I can do something – a little something, but it feels like any little thing I do is so meaningless in the face of the beast of it all

But I don’t wanna be negative and think that my trying has no impact

Look at Martin Luther King — he did something
He stood up for his dream, now look at the ripple of effect of his choice — his choice to believe against the injustice, against the oppression, against the violence and the bullshit

Look at Rosa Parks
Look at the women he fought for our rights and now we get to vote
Look at the people who stood up for peace, for love, for unity, for respect, for communication, for harmony, for health, for that which is GOOD

I don’t know man….

And then I think about my own little life — my own bullshit — the me me me
the I wanna travel and drink my latte on the beach reading a book — LIKE BITCH, there are children dying in Africa and you wanna do WHAT now?

There’s this weight I feel on my shoulder sometime
this desire to help and make a difference
while also feeling so small and limited by my own bullshit

SIGH

SIGH

SIGH

Who am I to even try….
What am I even supposed to do?
What can I even start doing?

I could donate…
I could try to be kind in my community and hope that it ripples
I could try to educate….

I hate the word TRY, cuz trying doesn’t sound like actually DOING anything

Anyway, that’s my sad ass rant about the sad ass things in life that make me sad

I’m also grateful and hopeful
and do believe that a little goes a long way
and that together we can make a difference
we can heal, and figure this shit out

because how the fuck are we okay with hurting one another rather than helping and elevating each other?

Life on Earth can be so amazing if we stop with the bullshit, mature the F up and collaborate…

but God, that even sounds like a defeating task — especially when we consider how different everyone and everything really is on a global scale — But SO MUCH is already WORKING that we have to have faith that we CAN find harmony and we can improve the systems and life on Earth so we can reduce the bullshit and the suffering

and then we can be less sad

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Magic?

Like

where is the magic?? Really.

I’m waiting for it.
I’m praying for it.
I’m hoping for it.

I’m waiting for that moment where it all comes together

Where I wake up and this whole experience of being limited, stuck in a body, stuck in a place, stuck in this “life” was just a dream

because in reality we are magic

it’s all magic

there is no barrier

no limitation

Everything just flows

It’s all easy

It all makes sense

but are we really just animals that evolved over time due to a big bang that generated all that we see today?

Is there something actually and truly really special here orrrr are we just a bunch of meaningless specs of dirt that pass away with time — and then it all ends? This is your one and only opportunity to live?

I don’t know either way

but my hope is that at the end of the day it’s all beautiful

it’s all good

….

I want to see the magic

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Voice

I’m trying to find my voice but it escapes me

I feel the most free when I’m here

because in this space I let it rip

I just say it as it comes

I just say it as it is for me

in other places I have to tip toe

I have to get it “right”

make sure I don’t step on any toes or say something that offends someone

or say something that is ignorant

Or say something that doesn’t land well

or say something that is wrong

or or or or or ________.

Today I heard TD Jakes talk about a creative whose ideas can’t come through— he called it being constipated— creatively constipated.

That’s how I feel sometimes. Like there’s just so much I wish to give and share but am literally held back.

By what?

By my own paralysis

by my judgment

because I’m not doing it like this other person

or saying it like this other person and therefore it’s probably not good and therefore no one will care and therefore I won’t get anywhere— so why bother?

It’s literally so annoying

I annoy myself with my own thoughts and lack of action sometimes

but I also want to give myself Grace for trying

because it takes courage to speak up

it takes courage to use your voice.

I just hope I can find mine

and I hope it makes you proud.

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