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that is how i feel


when you give me everything and take it all away
when it seems like it’d be something but it ends up being just another lesson

is it me?
am i too stupid? too mean? too angry? too dumb? too naive? too kind? too blind to see the obvious?

numb… that is how i feel

when i have to live another day i don’t want to
when i watch me move away
when i watch you slip away
when i watch it fade away

you give and give
and you mean so well
and then it all goes nowhere

numb…

i can’t endure the pain
so all i can do is go numb

why?
i wish i knew the why

Legacy

So I realize I’ve been selfish

Mourning the fact that I am here but eventually will die and everything I did was for nothing….

But I realize I’ve been thinking about it too selfishly

Thinking about what’s in it for ME
and what I’m GETTING from this experience of being alive

and how everything I create for ME I’ll have to let go of and how sour that makes me feel

But lately I started thinking less about me and more about the others
more about how I want to leave the Earth after I’ve been it in so that generations after me could have a nice time — so they can sit on the shade of a tree I planted

Thinking about life in this way has given me new found hope

It makes me less sad to think about everything being taken away from me when I die because it at least gives me comfort to think that at the end of it all I could at least leave something of value behind for others to enjoy long after I am gone

I am thinking of the impact I can make
and the legacy I can leave behind….

I’ve been thinking less about what can I GET and more of what can I GIVE

Knowing that what I receive is a byproduct of all the lives I get to serve and help along the way

I just want this life experience to be as good as it can be for all of the living beings involved

and hopefully I can manage to do that

I also think I’m in love
and maybe I’ll have a baby

lol absolutely absurd… I can’t imagine myself being a mom — that is literally the wildest idea I have ever entertained

anyway — just a thought for now

I still got a lot of traveling to do

and all of that can wait….

human

Suddenly it dawned on me… we’re all just human

made of the same stuff…

the people I look up to — the celebrities, the speakers, the doctors, the scientists, the artists; the ones with the skills, talents, wisdom, businesses, houses, fancy charcuterie boards and stuff — they are just human

like me…

That realization both scares me and astonishes me

Do any of us actually know wtf is going on here?

Who do you look at for real answers when we are all just as clueless as the other?

We have theories, ideas, and beliefs about what is happening

but who really KNOWS?

*sigh*

If it’s up to us and only us then we’ve got some serious shit to look at

are we consuming too quickly and are we living sustainably?

what systems are ineffective and what needs to be improved — EVERYWHERE, for EVERYONE

if there is no God or higher intelligence who is going to come to save/help us or intervene when necessary and we just so happen to be an evolutionary process that developed by chance then what does that mean!?

If it’s up to us then who is taking accountability to help?

if it’s up to us and only us then if we don’t collectively get our shit together we could fuck our selves

do you want to be fucked by your own poor choices?

I don’t

So what conversations do we need to be having to sustain ourselves and create a pleasant reality for living beings to enjoy?

This is just a reflection, not a sign to panic

but also a good thing for us to think about

EXPAND ~ contract

Sometimes it feels like all my cells are vibrating at a higher frequency

I could see the vision coming together

peace, love, joy, health, freedom, abundance, harmony

it’s so beautiful

and then suddenly

I contract

I am brought back to reality
I am brought back to doubt

To wondering if I have the capacity to hold space for that big of vision
Could I maintain it?

This sometimes reminds me of the New Testament story in the book of Matthew,
the story where Peter starts walking on water towards Jesus but when he lets fear in he starts to sink

(Not trying to get religious on you, just interesting to see that this feeling of contraction is something spoken of even in ancient texts)

Doubt will bring you down from the clouds and weigh you down like a ton of bricks…

It’s weird — sometimes I hold on to the person I’ve been and to the reality I am trying to grow out of even though I am trying to grow out of it

I hear the enemy of a great life is a good life

I also wonder if I’ll be bored if everything suddenly became too perfect

What is there to do once you’ve done it all?

I don’t know
But I am open to finding out

I am open to EXPANSION

and open to living a magical life

*cue in the confetti and bring out the unicorns, lesss go

Granted

It’s so easy to take everything that is already working for granted

your paved roads

your supermarkets filled with fresh fruits and exotic foods from all over the globe neatly packed and stocked for your choosing

vehicles

phones

entertainment

booze

art

got a head ache? No problem, here’s an advil for you if you want

here’s your spiced moccha latte prepared for you in minutes

Too hot? Here – press this button on the AC unit to cool yourself off

music and information on the palm of your hands

Maps, connection to others with this very device you’re using to read these words

want to see another part of the world? Gotchu — here’s this incredible flying machine that will take you anywhere on the planet IN THE AIR

LOL how wonderful of a world this is

is there room for improvement? Yes – we are still in process of evolution and co-creation and together we can work out the kinks and improve the planet for all beings

but while we are on the journey can you at least for a fucking second give thanks and appreciate how far we’ve come and all that is already fucking working???

be grateful and stop complaining about every little thing

and if something needs fixing, why don’t you take some action to help fix it? This is your home too — we can all pitch in to make it better

Don’t take the progress we’ve made for granted

appreciate what we have

and let’s work together to make the necessary adjustments

Letting go

Life’s got me fucked up…

Everything just comes and GOES ——

the GOES is what has me all twisted.

I’m doing and doing just to let it all go

In the end I lose it all — my material possessions, my family, the man I fell in love with, my youth, and my own life

and what is it all for????

When I reflect on this harsh truth it just makes me want to say fuck it to everything, get in a car and just hit the road to see where it all takes me

it makes me want to stop caring about acquiring possessions because what does all that shit even mean at the end of the actual day? Nothing.

Acquiring things just to make it seem to other people that I have my shit together? What for??

It makes no sense

so yeah imma get the tattoo
and yeah I’m going to say I love you

yeah I’m going to buy the plane ticket and yeah I’m going to dance naked underneath the stars

I’m going to be both wise and foolish

I’m going to laugh and cry…

certainly cry as I watch the life I worked so hard to build crumble and get blown by the wind back into the earth whence it came

sigh… what a bunch of bullshit

It makes me sad to think that life is actually a sad tale

that at every moment we are just distracting ourselves from the inevitable — aging, loss and death

But I don’t know… maybe there is hope.

and hopefully I’ll find it

true love?

When I said “I like this song” … he turned up the volume
and when I was cold… he offered his sweater

have you ever for a moment looked into the eyes of someone else and saw everything you wanted staring back at you…

yet though you were excited you were actually more afraid?

“Does saying yes to this mean saying no to all the other possibilities? Is this really what I want? Is this the right person for me?”

I once heard a love coach say we should settle ON someone, not FOR someone

there will always be other options…

Like going to an ice cream shop and being presented with so many flavors — you eventually have to make a choice on what to order.

I kind of think about a long term partner like that… we eventually have to say yes to someone if we are going to want to relate deeply.

I don’t know…

Do I even want a relationship?
This is the first time I started to learn to enjoy my own company outside of anybody else. And it’s actually been really nice growing more into this “self focused” version of me.

maybe we don’t have to have all the answers right away
maybe we can just let time lead the way

I think the key is in finding balance
keeping yourself whole without losing yourself in another – avoiding codependency

not rushing into a decision

letting time reveal more of the way
while communicating openly and honestly

staying open to love

~*~*~*~*~

we drove off into the morning sun and for a moment I could feel as if I could live into everything I have imagined

we don’t realize that our dreams are fantasies are truly possible until we allow ourselves to feel into it and live it

yet what I noticed is that feeling good all the time kind of scares me
and that fear and hesitation brings me back to earth, back to reality

there is something to be said about this “being in vibration” and being in a certain “frequency”.

I have been noticing my frequency change

and for a moment it’s almost like I am moving closer into heaven… but I can’t sustain it… and I am brought back down

down into my human body with my fears and limitations
with my doubts

my existential crisis

and again, I am alone




Memory

I still think of you from time to time

sometimes memories are triggered without invite

Like today… when I glanced over the dish rack and noticed I lined up the plates the way you would…

or occasionally when dubstep shuffles it’s way into my playlist…

and from time to time when I reflect on the mistakes I’ve made and how I could have been better

or when I regret staying for so long when early on I could already tell it probably wouldn’t work

I’m sorry for not being perfect.
Thank you for the lessons.
Thank you for the good memories despite the bad ones.

I wish you well…

~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes I get the urge to text you to tell you you can still count on me…
sometimes I want to tell you about things I’m learning…
sometimes I wanna send you funny things I see on the internet and wish we could still talk

but then I’m like nah fuck that,
because there is still this little part of me that is upset by the bullshit you put me through – which technically is the bullshit I was the one who kept accepting — so who is really to blame?

*sigh*

I guess maybe I’m not yet fully healed from it
and in some ways I feel like the bullshit was necessary for me to learn to do better and be better

I hope you are doing better too

despite the bullshit, I still love you
not like a lover now… but like a human and a friend


the memory of your smile is one of my favorites and I hope you are smiling a lot out there…

…..

sigh

it’s weird when you have let go of someone you love…

:’-(

Self-esteem

You are your guarantee

Your value does not come from another, your value comes from YOU

You decide your worth – not someone else

You have inherent value – you belong
If it were not so, you would not be here

The fact that you exist is already proof that life itself wants you here

But beyond the philosophical stuff
On a practical day to day sense — you need to learn to work on your self esteem so that you don’t put your worth and or sense of peace on the hands of another person

If everyone were to like you but you didn’t like you – what good would that really do? Your experience would still suck because you are rejecting yourself

If everyone didn’t like you, but you didn’t care and you liked yourself and still felt okay within yourself, then it wouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks because your sense of peace, joy, and feeling okay is not dependent – it is inherent and independent

On a more realistic sense —

Some people will like you and some people will not — and it doesn’t mean there is something inherently wrong with you

Not everyone likes chocolate cake – yet chocolate cake is delicious (to me, and to others who think the same)
Not everyone likes sea food (I’m not a huge fan of sea food – some people love it)

Not everyone likes the cold weather – some people enjoy the cold

Some people don’t like cilantro, some people do
Some people don’t like horror movies, some people do

Do you get it?

And honestly, if people were to give each other a chance they would probably find something in common to vibe about. I would say it’s probably rare to entirely dislike someone if you haven’t even given yourself a chance to get to know them at least on some common level.

We all have things in common
and I am sure if we gave each other at least a chance we would see that we could find there is at least one thing to like about each other (but anyway, that is also another topic)

Here is the point I am making:
Learn to like and accept yourself and stop needing someone else to accept and like you in order to feel okay with yourself

Work on your self-esteem
Work on your personal development
Work on your self care
Work on developing your skills
Work on your hobbies
Make friends with people who share your interests
Expand your connections
Work on your mindset

Stop thinking that you NEED a relationship in order to be okay – you don’t
You can be fine single and you can learn to enjoy your own company

When you enjoy your own company you will not be desperate for another to fulfill you because you will already be fulfilled on your own

a relationship gets to be a choice and you get to invite the right partner into your life
a partner who is equally invested in you and who is a compatible fit

Take care of yourself first

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