So close to you, yet so far
Open door, thick walls.
Do you believe in magic?
In manifestation?
I think it’s better when you don’t force it. When you let the magic itself unfold.
How do I let go and forget?
I don’t want to care. But apparently my brain has other plans.
The journey is the destination. This process is the whole point.
I need to learn to enjoy it more. Even when you are so far.
Where do I start?
I suppose we can run down the usual…
What are we doing?
As a species we are still very immature. We compete, get jealous, operate from ego, show off, get easily upset, think the world needs to cater to our feelings and preferences.
I am also human. Guilty of some of the very same sins I go on about.
I sometimes watch myself do what is wrong, like throw away the recycling into the trash bin. Small little things, wrong nonetheless.
I don’t want to go on and on about it, but watching our silly foolishness just grinds my gears. There is so much I wish to say but it’s hard to put into words. It’s one of those days I wish to tell you everything but all I can muster is whatever this is.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” to quote Dickens and sum some of it up.
I am feeling the ache and the awe. The grief and the gladness.
All the in betweens. Simultaneously at once.
We think the answer is outside, yet the answer is within.
—
Anyway,
my neighbor is so hot
I wish that he would kiss me.
Lately I’ve been grappling with what actually matters in love and life.
What are we really doing, ya know? What’s the point?
If we don’t figure out the death problem then we’re all going to die. Yet we don’t seem to be talking about that enough. Some say there is an after life. A heaven. A hell. Some say there is nothing. Some say we re-incarnate. Too many different narratives make me unsure what is true.
I’m aging. Time is passing. I’ve already aged since I started this post. We’re all moving. We’re all changing. What is really the point?
Sometimes I want to sell everything and just drive off on the road without a clear destination. This idea sounds cute in theory until I need a bathroom. A shower. A bed. A place to stand and stretch. A kitchen to cook and store food. So maybe what I really want is more adventure, not to sell all my things and go into the road indefinitely. I’ve done multiple cross country road trips. They’re cool but it does get tiring being on the road at times.
Anyway, back to the point.
What matters?
Health seems to matter. If we’re going to exist might as well be in a body that operates well and feels decently good.
Food. Shelter. Connection. And I suppose some kind of purpose.
There is a force moving us forward whether we like it or not. I can’t stay still even if I wanted to. Something is moving me forward. Which begs an even greater question, am I just watching my life happen and have no real but only perceived control over it? Too much of a big question I don’t want to get into at the moment but certainly an interesting one.
Gah.
Experiences. Do they matter? If so, which?
We all have different ideas of what experiences we want. Take motherhood, for example. Not all of us womb holders want to have the motherhood experience. How does one go about deciding what experiences matter?
—
DEEP BREATH IN
DEEP EXHALE OUT
—
Life is both this deeply profound, delicious, juicy nectar I want to soak up while marveling in complete breathtaking awe… AND… an incredibly soul crushing, agonizing, gnawing, bleeding, heartless devastation.
!ROAR!
Roar at this magnificence and this gut wrenching emptiness.
ROAR at this EVERYTHING-NOTHING THING.
WHAT MATTERS?!
It’s easier to walk away than to stay the course when it gets hard.
But I am learning that emotions are a dangerous place to build anything solid on.
Life gets hard. It’s not all happy. It’s not all easy. As much as I’ll be the first to say I’m all about the magic, now I’m wise enough to know there is another side to this coin — the cold hard, facts of reality. Ouch, does it hurt.
Will you stay only when the days are good? When the sun is out and everyone is dancing and there is plenty? Or will you stay when it actually matters — when the thunderstorms block out the sunshine, when there’s no one out to play, and when now there is less than enough?
It is easy to stay when there’s laughter. When there’s joy. When there’s fun. It’s not easy to stay when there’s pain, when there’s loss, when reality blocks out the magic.
You will get sick one day. You will be sad. You will lose the spark. You will feel pain. And that is when we need each other the most. That is when it matters to stay. To say “I’m right here. You don’t have to be okay. You don’t have to be happy. You don’t have to put on a show. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to be anything or do anything. I’m right here.”
Oh, what a love. A love that stays. A love that stays in the good days and the bad, in the in between, in the mundane.
I’ll be with you on the highs. I’ll be with you on the lows. I’ll be with you in the messy middle. I’ll be with you in the mundane. I’ll be with you when it’s sunshine, I’ll be with you when it rains. I’ll be with you in your weakness, I’ll be with you in your strength. I’ll be with you when you’re lost and have no clue what you’re doing. I won’t give up just because it’s hard. I won’t give up just because it’s suddenly inconvenient, suddenly it isn’t fun. No. I will stay.
—
I am finding that this gift of staying is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. To be here even on the days you feel like a troll and wonder where the heck your youth has gone. In sickness and in health. In bounty or desert. I am right here. I am right there. I am not going anywhere. I am with you from the moment you were born and I will be with you until your last breath. I will not leave or abandon you. I am right here. I am right there.
How long will I keep this up? Pretending I am normal and okay when I’m really not. It takes massive amounts of energy to be normal. To put on an act. All I want to do is relax into who I really am. To not pretend. To not be that nice. The truth is, I’m not easily impressed but I want people to be happy. I want people to see their own light. It’s hard for me to not be pleasing. Like today, when my Lyft driver was talking up a storm yet all I wanted was for him to drive faster and focus on the road, not show me content on his phone. But I didn’t say anything. I just… kept entertaining the convo.
I’m tired of trying to please everyone. Of being agreeable and trying to keep the peace.
Anyway, today was a magical day. But it was hard to fully enjoy it because I am holding all this tension — plus I was wearing the wrong shoes for the occasion. I want to release the pressure I put on myself. I want to reduce the fucks I give. It can be very hard, especially being an empath.
Anyway, I’m blabbering on like usual. I don’t want this to be so long ;).
I think I’m in love… again lol
ai ai ai
His eyes are dreamy and blue
His soul, a whole universe.
I think I have commitment issues. It’s hard to imagine myself with just one person for more than a few years. A lifetime is a long time to stay with someone. Maybe I just haven’t found the person to whom I’d want to keep committing to. So perhaps the issue isn’t the commitment itself? I don’t know. Do you ever feel that way?
Maybe we’ll get rich and have a baby.
Maybe I’ll get rich and always be a wanderer. A loner. A woman without kiddos.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Lately I don’t hold on to any certainties. I realize life is too unpredictable for that.
I need to find more clarity. Where does one go for that?
______
I want to know who you really are.
I don’t want to pretend.
I just wish to be free.
A day without you feels like an eternity.
But I don’t want to get carried away.
I’ve done that and it led me to fall off a cliff I’m still licking the wounds from.
How do you remain balanced — centered, when all you want to do is get deeply lost in love?
To lose track of time and just rest my head on your shoulder while you tell me about your next business endeavor. I could listen forever.
I’m already getting carried away. Apparently I can’t help it… something about the way my astral chart is positioned apparently makes me “romantic and impractical.” #Thepattern. Sounds about right.
Anyway…I’m kinda mad. Mad that I am in a human body and not just floating in space like magical fairy dust.
These bodies just feel so dense and this world so full of nonsensical demands, I’m kinda over it.
How is it that with all our brilliance the best we’ve got is sick time, PTO, and bills?
Why aren’t our systems set up to support us to actually live? It breaks my heart seeing mothers who would want to raise their babies having to leave their babies to go do a job just to get by. Families being split up during the day when they would much rather be together, raising their babies.
Don’t get me started.
Anyway, I am dreaming up a non-profit. One where we volunteer our labor to construct each other’s homes. I’d call it “The Volunteer Society”. We could raise funds to acquire construction materials. We would come together as a collective and volunteer our time and labor to create gorgeous homes for each other. All we need is each other. The Earth has already provided what we need.
I have a lot of great ideas but often not a lot of energy for execution or enough support. A problem I keep running into that makes it very heavy for me and sometimes makes me want to give up hope.
Anyway………….
I’m in love, as usual. With you, with me, with life, with everything….
And also in despair at times…..
Bleh.
Must keep believing.
It all still feels so far away and I feel like I am failing.
Feelings aren’t facts though, so gotta watch out for the cognitive trap of “emotional reasoning”.
Idk. Nothing is a guarantee anyway.
Keepin’ the faith though. Keepin’ the faith.
Is it better to know or not know?
To know or not to know… that is the question.
Lately I’ve been thinking that perhaps ignorance truly is bliss.
All I’ve ever wanted was to know: What is this? Why are we here? What is going on?
But now I wonder if not knowing is what makes it all the fun.
I took an improv class where a group of us learned a few basic introductory improv skills. It was hilarious and so much fun. That same week I ended up watching an Improv show– the first set being performed by skilled improvisers, the second set by less so. The second group used techniques I learned and was exposed to earlier in the week. I wasn’t as surprised by the second show because I knew what they were doing.
I imagine that others who had never been exposed to the behind the scenes were simply entertained and less aware of the techniques. So it dawned on me… is it better to not know?
Is it better to just be in blissful awe of this life experience vs knowing what’s actually behind it?
I don’t know.
I am beginning to reduce my dire need to know.
All I ever wanted was to know.
Now…I don’t know that I want to know.
Plus I’m deluding myself anyway thinking I could truly know…or could I?
I don’t know…
I am a ball of confusion.
There is so much I want to tell you it would take me 7,000 years and a day to put it all into words.
So I’ll kind of vomit it all here and see where that takes us. In the wise words of Post Malone, “Ooh, I fall apart. Down to my core” because literally that is how it has felt. Like the deepest part of my soul I didn’t even know I had has been touched in such a profound way I didn’t know was possible. But I only got a taste of it. A taste of pure love.
Speaking of falling apart — this is exactly what I am feeling.
Things have to fall apart in order for the new to come into place. It’s like a demolition.
If you’re falling apart, don’t worry. This is all going to make you grow.
Growing pains. It’s a thing.
Ugh this is one of those where I have a bajillion things to say but can’t really get it out.
My heart is closed.
It is but it isn’t.
It’s just re-directed.
I think I’m becoming a woman. LOL.
I’ve always felt like a girl. And I don’t know how to not be this tiny little girl I’ve always been.
Who the heck do I think I am becoming this woman who thinks she knows something? Lol…
Being human is funny.
I literally feel everything, it’s so much it’s annoying. Do I need a mood stabilizer? Perhaps.
I am this ball of sensations. From bliss, to awe, to sadness, grief, anger, fear, excitement, desire, back to sadness, annoyance, frustrations, all else in between.
Ok. I don’t want to trouble you with my woes and melancholies.
I’m not getting into the specifics.
Here’s what I am learning:
To hold nuance. To accept what is while also taking action on what I can. To regulate my nervous system. To remain grounded. To make space for pleasure and fun not just work and “trying to figure it out”. To not seek the outside to make me feel okay on the inside. To not let the outside make me not okay on the inside. To be okay on the inside as a state of being not a result of what I have or do.
Of course all I want to do is melt into the ether and fall in love with you and forget space and time. Of course all I want to do is be everything and nothing at all. Which makes no sense. I realize nothing actually makes sense.
I went to Improv yesterday. It was fun. And suddenly it dawned on me that life is just ABSURD. It makes no sense. That perhaps there is no embedded purpose, it just IS for no other reason other than it just is. Life IS. That’s it. Why? Because it IS.
ABSURD!!!!
My mind is blown. IT IS BLOWN, Felicia! BLOWN!
—
Lately I have also been taking deeeeeeeep breaths. I am trying to embody more. Savor more. Slow down more. Regulate more.
The fact that there are challenges IS what makes this experience SO interesting. Sometimes I fear getting everything I want because then it’s over. What’s there to do? Idk….
Gosh I have so many reflections to share… but we’ll keep it here for now.
Thanks for being here.
If you made it all the way down to these words.
You’re the real MVP.
You give me meaning beyond what I would have alone.
Oh dear woman,
dear sister,
dear mother.
I have a newfound love for you,
one words cannot describe.
A reverence so deep for your divine spirit,
your divine body, your sacred womb.
I bow to you with the utmost respect.
I honor you for how much you hold.
Women, may we be each other’s allies.
Oh, beloved sisters,
may we not compete.
May we learn and teach among one another.
May we become safe havens for each other.
May we build trust—not strife, not envy, not hate, not jealousy.
We all lose when we disconnect.
We make it harder on ourselves when we act as if there isn’t enough.
There is more than enough.
YOU are more than enough.
What is YOURS will NEVER miss you.
And in the end, we lose it all—
so perhaps the greater lesson is non-attachment to begin with.
Woman, I see your suffering, and I stand with you.
Your bleeding womb. Your pain. Your depth.
Your immense strength.
You are my sister.
You are my mother.
You are my family.
You are my ally.
You are my friend.
My hand extends to you.
You deserve to be loved, seen, honored, and respected.
You are made in the image of God, too.
“So God created mankind in His own image,
in the image of God He created them;
male and female He created them.”
I see GOD in you, oh woman.
I see GOD in you.
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