So as it turns out I live in a body.
It’s 5’2 and female which means that in the grand scheme of things I am as significant as a bacteria.
I am sitting in a coffee shop because I wanted to get out of my house and “try something different.”
Rather than go about business as usual working from home, I thought I’d take myself out and work from a coffee shop. Maybe it’d make my life more interesting. Maybe I’d bump into my soul mate. Or meet a fling. Or get actual work done. Only a little work was done, if you could call it work anyway.
I could share with you a thousand and one of my latest thoughts… but where do I start?
I suppose we’ll start with the usual repertoire: what should we make of this life? What actually matters?
After the recent fires in my California state, another turn of the year, another wrinkle on my foreheard, the deaths of loved ones and the hurried passage of time I feel this sense of pressure to carpe diem. What am I really waiting for? But what does carpe diem even mean? How do I want to carpe my diem?
I’m starting by buying my time back. I want nothing to do with borrowing money from banks — they can suck it. I want nothing to do with their sneaky little system that gets us allured into spending and entrapped by their interest and enslaved to their game. So that’s one.
Health is a top priority. Since this body is my first home. I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my home. I sometimes feel awkward and judge myself a lot. This has got to go. So I’ll have to practice. Practice being myself and caring less about what people are thinking. Why do random strangers matter anyway? Why am I so concerned with their judgement and thought?
I am an amalgam ~ I feel like a combination of all I’ve been exposed to: which is quite a fair amount. This makes it hard for me to know who I really am.
I want to see more of the world. So rather than pay a fortune to live in California I’m planning to take off and live for less elsewhere.
I am less attached to stuff because it all just comes and goes. You buy shoes, they get old. You get furniture and it scratches. And in the end you and die and take nothing with you. So I’m less attached to accumulating a bunch of stuff and more interested in accumulating more experiences.
The other day I was at a hot yoga class after a boring typical day. That yoga class was the most interesting and stimulating activity of my day. It made me feel a sense of aliveness. In that moment I had the thought “Experiences. This is what I’m after.”
I said I am not attached to stuff, but lately I have become more interested in antiques. When I am finally ready to settle my ass I would like to have great antiques in my home. Real wood. Spectacular carvings. A beautiful book shelf. A magnificent desk.
What else can I tell you? I feel for the world. For the struggles that befall us. I wish we were more awake and aware so less of our energy was allocated to shit that doesn’t actually matter. We need more critical thinkers, action takers and STRONG humans. OMG this is a big topic for me. I literally cannot stand this soft society we have brewing. IF I SEE ANOTHER SOFT, FEMININE MAN I AM GOING TO LOSE IT. I cannot DEAL with this sensitive culture. I am pretty much a Red Forman from that 70s show in a tiny female body and just want to put my foot in every soft man’s ass until they straighten out and toughen up, buttercup.
I cannot stand an overly soft mind. Don’t be weak. Don’t be so sensitive. BE TOUGH. Where are all the tough people for the love of God?
If I was a cop in San Diego, there would literally be no homeless people sleeping in a corner because I would NOT STAND IT or ALLOW IT. I am a Natzi when it comes to order and respect. When we are too loose with our morals and standards we just end up with a mess and a bunch of soft people who can’t handle a pinch of stress without falling apart. It’s annoying. Now I’m just venting.
I didn’t plan for this to be so long or for it to be about any of this. But here we are. Here we are.
Guys, we can’t keep dancing around this subject by keeping it off the table and then getting all surprised when it starts happening to the people you know and then…. you and me.
What more important for us to be talking about than this?
My understanding is that when the body malfunctions and can no longer host the consciousness then you die. Where does the life force go? Where does the consciousness go? Can the consciousness be preserved?
It seems that our consciousness is “the sum of your learned experiences”. My name is “Laura” because that’s what I was named, but that’s not who I am. I’m nameless in reality. Names are sounds we create with our vocal cords to help us identify objects in space. It’s arbitrary. There’s nothing APPLE about an apple. That’s just a sound we agree to make to point to that thing we have identified in space. Anyway, I digress. And that’s not the point I am trying to make.
The point is…who you are is a memory bank of learned experiences. You are a particular set of memories living within a body. When your body fails it turns off your consciousness. I suppose that means the “hard drive” that holds your consciousness is then lost because the system that powers you fails. SO.. I am wondering…. can we figure out how to transfer this into a new body? A new host?
My mom is aging. Time is passing.
Each day that passes I am aware that it is getting closer to my last.
Each day that passes is like there is this clock that is unwinding and our death bed is being made. How could we not be talking about this??
I feel there are implications on this idea of preserving consciousness. It could be used in a bad way. I’m actually afraid of technology and how fast we are growing with AI and Tesla robots and whatnot. I just hope we mature also. I hope we become more loving. I hope we become kinder. I hope we don’t create chaos or suffering for each other. Sigh. I don’t know.
I keep hoping for a good God.
I keep hoping for magic over reality smacking me in my face.
I dunno.
I’m lost and venting.
But I hope we can find love and I hope we can find a way to find comfort in this impermanence. I hope we can figure something out and I hope that it is GOOD.
Why reality gotta come and smack me in my face?
I’ve been here, dreaming
Thinking about the magic
Waiting for when the big “surprise” happens. The moment the angels come out from behind the curtains with our loving, hilarious, beautiful God who greets us with all the abundance, love, joy, connection and “joke’s on you” realization. We all melt into peace. We all melt into ecstasy. Into perfect embrace.
But then in busts Reality- cynical, unshaven, holding a ciggarette: “It’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit, kid. There ain’t no magic and it don’t mean shit.”
—
The other day I was sitting at a table having lunch with some people. A woman shared about the children she teaches who believe in Santa Claus. It made me think of all the stuff we’re told when we are little — when we don’t know any better. We watched the Disney movies. We were told about love. We were told about a prince and talking animals.
Then we grow older. We’re told about jobs, money, and “no”. We’re told to sit up straight. Pay attention. Be proper. Chew with your mouth closed.
Then we’re told it’s all a lie – there is no Santa, no tooth fairy, no prince. Reality. It smacks you in the face and blows a cloud of cancer stick smoke into your eyes.
I’m kinda pissed. What am I to believe in at this point?
Yet despite the fact of the matter I cannot help but wonder… is there still magic?
If you figure out how it all works does it stop being magic?
If you can create it and re-create it does it stop being mysterious?
But what even is IT?
I know we give names to what is observable. We’ve learned to identify what we see and feel. We’ve learned how it operates. We’ve learned to manipulate what is so it yields predictable results. But have we actually understood IT itself?
What IS IT?
Idk. I don’t want to get too philosophical today. I think I just wanted to complain just a little.
What would ever be enough?
What would need to come to be in order for us to just be okay? What’s all this doing about anyway? What are we trying to get at?
SIGH.
I gotta believe. I choose to keep having faith.
Why?
Is it because I took too long?
Because I don’t really wear skirts?
Is it because I’m too nice? Too sweet?
Is it because I don’t move my hips like the other girls do?
Because I’m too small?
Not cool enough?
Too complicated?
Too simple?
Too…?
Is it because the sound of my voice is too young? Naive?
Are you being impatient?
Or did I do something wrong?
I don’t know.
But I release control.
I’ll trust.
I’ll trust the process.
I’ll trust that what is meant to be won’t miss me.
I’ll take my love and gift it to me.
For so long I’ve been placing it everywhere else. I never knew any better. I never knew how to be whole.
And perhaps this is the perfect time to do so.
And perhaps this is about true love.
Perhaps it’s about letting go.
Perhaps it’s about patience.
Perhaps it’s about trust.
I don’t know.
I do know that life is not a guarantee.
I’ve been seeing it more and more right before my eyes.
I feel shook yet still frozen and unable to move.
Because where to from here?
Where to from here?
What really matters in a world where it all just goes?
It all just goes…
So then what about it?
My heart wants to crack open to engulf my whole being with it’s own love, kindness and compassion only to reawaken again unafraid to move forward. Walking in full trust. Knowing that when I take a step in empty space a block will appear to uphold me. I need not worry. I need not fear. Because I know. I know. I know.
A part of me surrenders
A part of me is in the corner fighting and throwing a tantrum
“Why’d you get me so high to leave me solo?”
What even matters anyway?
What to do anyway?
Do I sell it all and travel? Go to Bali? Japan?
Get a car and just go — just go?
Do I stay put and build a foundation?
For what? For what? It all just goes. It all just goes….
So what really matters?
I guess maybe that moment with you.
But it’s all fleeting anyway.
Whatever.
Seriously guys, wtf?
No, really. Wtf?
I really mean it- wtf?
For real, for real — wtf?
Something’s off. There is literal no way that we exist on an intelligent, life giving planet and that our purpose here is to pay some bills and die.
Come the F on. I’m mad. I’m mad at what we’ve turned life into. This experience should be so awe inspiring it basically blows you away.
How are we not all blissed out?
Our energy is poorly allocated. It’s for this reason we are seeing hunger, illness, depression, fights, and all kinds of other suffering.
Gosh. I think about the world. I think about how big it is and how different we all are.
I imagine the people in India. There are so many of them and everyone has their own mindset- their own beliefs. I imagine the hot summers. The unpaved streets. The misallocation of resources.
I imagine Africa. I imagine Russia. I imagine the South American jungles. Everyone so different. Everyone with such different needs. Different opinions. Different religion. Different language. Different wants.
I imagine everyone’s ego and how our animal nature plays into the fact that we aren’t always conscious and we aren’t actually all knowing. We aren’t always wise. Our IQ isn’t always high and definitely isn’t perfect.
I imagine the planet as a whole. Outside of our man made barriers we are one planet. Like one body made by its different parts.
Gahh I wanna scream. Because I love it all. I love everything about everything. Every rock. Every rain drop. Every particle of dust. Every interesting little corner of everything which makes up this intricate picture we call “life”.
AAAAHHHHH
I want to scream at the top of a mountain because of how small I really am in comparison to it all. How little I actually know. It’s laughable.
I feel like there is more here than meets the eye. I feel like there is untapped magic. That we’ve been numbed down as if drugged and our ability to sense is blunted. It’s like we can’t always see the miracle before us. We think our man made laws and jobs and little nonsense is truly real. We get narrow minded. But I get it. We’re trying our best. But it feels like our best is compromised because we can certainly do better than this.
It seems to me we are walking around numb to life
Rather than living in a state of bliss and breathtaking awe, our spirits are weighed down —
“Depressed” or “Oppressed” per se
It’s as if our magic and magnificence is being stuffed, suppressed.
It’s as if we were medicated.
We’ve been brought down to this dense state of being that is so far off from what it could really be!
My friend, open your eyes, BEHOLD!
Do you not see what is before you?
There IS rather than not IS
And not only is there IS, but the IS that IS is intelligent
This is mind blowing!!
It’s tremendous!!
Now, something feels off to me.
Out of all the magnificent experiences we could be having it’s as if we have been diluted – desensitized.
How did this happen?
How could we not be living in such awe that all our time is not simply spent on BLISSING out
Loving, playing, spending time together
We should be celebrating
Working together
Making it easier for each other
Making in GOOD
Why on Earth do anything other?
Live in stress? Fear? What’s even that about??
We should be hugging each other. I want to know your name. Your favorite color. And then I want to bring you flowers of that color.
I want to know your favorite food, and then make it and share it with you!
I want to sing songs with you and then swim in the water with you.
I want you to tell me your favorite joke.
I want us to dance and make art and share the abundance with the others.
MY FRIENDS, what is going on?
Are we asleep or are we awake?
Are you ALIVE??
LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE!!!
Does not your lungs get filled with this same air? Do you not feel the ecstatic pleasure present without this fear? Without this judgment? Without this shame?
GAHHH sometimes I want to BURST from this insurmountable joy and let it spill into the heart of the world in hopes we could hold hands in solidarity–in peace, in love, and in delicious ecstasy.
Do you ever feel that too?
The moon was full last night and of course I thought of you.
I thought of sitting in a deliciously warm room in what felt like Costa Rica
Legs crossed like a yogi and I’m facing you
For a long, tender moment our foreheads touch
It’s like I can understand you but without the need for any words
Ahhh….
Lately I have been craving deep, deep peace. As if every part of me just wants to root down into the depths of the Earth and sink into this deeeeep deeep comfort. A place where I feel like I could rest. A place where I feel like I could trust. A place that feels more solid. I place of ease and true joy.
I want to become lighter. There is desire for surrender. To feel every cell in my body move three octaves higher.
MMM..
This morning I was kissed by the crisp morning air and I couldn’t stop filling my lungs with this cosmic juice. I stopped for a moment and looked again at the moon that shined so brightly in the sky. I literally took a moment to pause. I wish I could just stand there forever in awe. Forever in bliss.
I feel like there is this version of me who is birthing that I’m madly in love with. I can only catch glimpses of the vibration. Sometimes she scares me because being her means letting go of the version of me I have always been. It means letting go of the fears I’ve felt. The doubts. The lack of courage.
Wow. Can you just imagine waking up in FULL TRUST, DEEP JOY, DEEP PEACE, DEEP FUCKING LOVE AND MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FAITH.
Lol… A part of me is like “You’re delusional”
and then the other part is like “Call it whatever you want, but if it brings me all of that, so be it!”
I feel like I am learning to feel more comfortable in my body. More comfortable in my womanhood. I still feel like a squirmish girl. A little awkward. A little afraid. And I welcome and love all those parts of me without abandon. But the keyword is, I am still very much *learning*. Very entrenched into the curriculum of Earth school.
What a ride.
I suppose I’ll have to learn to live without you
No matter what, life goes on. It’s a cold reality.
This week I was walking the beach boardwalk and I felt like I was observing the moment outside of myself from above like a drone. I could see the passage of time. Everything and everyone moving on, living their life as if I wasn’t even here. Forgotten. Never known.
It made me think of the people I lost this year. My best friend, now a widow, slowly moving forward. Life must go on.
It’s been 6 days of silence between my partner and I. From “I love you” and exploring the world together to distance and silence. As if we just came and went.
I’m taking a deep breath as I write this and reflect on the coming together and falling apart. The ebb and flow. The circle of life.
I’m in the middle of nowhere on a planet that’s been flicked into space. Wow. What do I really know? A mere evolved ape. Or perhaps something other. Here for a little while. What do I make of it?
I don’t know. Try my best and surrender the rest is what I’m left with.
Pick myself up and move through life without you.
Life is bittersweet.
It’s both good and bad. And all else in between.
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