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heartbreak

my heart is broken in a trillion pieces. I’m standing over the devastating mess wondering if I’ll ever manage to put it back together.

What is it all for?

My soul cries and falls down to its knees. “Noooo. Why??”

I’m sad. Angry. Discouraged. Weary.
Questioning do I even want to live?
What’s it all for anyway?

“I don’t want to grow bitter” it says.
“I still want to believe.”

I used to think that life was magical. How could it not be? Look at it. Look at all the intelligence. The leaves. The fruits that grow from the tress. Our intelligent bodies. How marvelous.

Yet despite all this magnificence there is also this destructive, merciless force permeating reality. Earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, death, famine, war, pollution, fights, envy, politics, profit over people, hate, jealousy, deterioration, sickness, a lion gunning for the throat of the gazelle, chaos.

It’s a lot.

I don’t know what to make of it anymore. It’s like no matter what I do the outcome is just I’m going to age and die and so will you and everyone else. I don’t even want to share this because it sounds so negative. Because I could, instead, believe we end up figuring out how to preserve life, create peace and more harmony. But I don’t know – I’m disillusioned. Saddened that perhaps there is no God. That all the magic I believed in isn’t real. There is just this — this f%#23d up world with no happy endings.

I kept waiting for God. Waiting that he would show up and save the day. Now, my faith is crushed. My soul is lost. My heart so broken its become dust particles. I’m so deeply saddened.

But even still… a little tiny part of me insists “Don’t give up. You gotta believe. Please believe.”

Don’t let me grow bitter. < These are the words I wrote in my journal today.

I notice my child like spirit is getting washed away by the passage of time. My face less bright. My mouth more frowned.

SIGH.

I’ve been taking deep breaths.

“Just enough grace for this moment. Just enough grace for this minute.”

Leaning into trust minute by minute. Giving it all over to the force of time in full surrender when I feel like I can’t bare another minute.

I’m sorry world if I have failed you.
I am sorry for all we are going through.


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The Candle Maker

Trigger Warning:
This blog post contains descriptions of death. This topic may be distressing or triggering for some readers. Do NOT continue on if this topic is upsetting or disturbing to you.


____


Have you ever seen a dead body? I hadn’t until today. It didn’t look real. It looked like a wax doll you’d see in the wax museum.

It was my neighbor.

I hear a man’s voice screaming outside my door. I open my door to check what the commotion was. I could see my neighbor’s door open. I thought maybe her dog ran out and something bad had happened to it. But then I see the dog, tail wagging. I see the guy she was dating wailing.

“What’s going on?” I inquire.

“She killed herself.” He responds.

I’m in shock and disbelief. I run into her apartment to see if there was any way to help or save her still. I yell out her name. I go into her room and try to look for her. I don’t see her until I look at the open closet and see her hanging in it. I couldn’t believe what I saw was real. It didn’t look real. Her hands were purple. Her feet purple. Her stomach swollen. Her mouth open and stuffed with what looked like dry blood. Her beautiful blue eyes open. It must have been days that she had been hanging there.
I wanted to touch her, check if what I was seeing was real – but I didn’t. I was in disbelief and in shock.

I walk out. The cops come.

Other neighbors come out. Everyone is crying.

She was a candle maker.
A sweet and beautiful young woman with so much to live for.
She lived in a cute, small one bedroom by the beach.

When I first moved here she gave me one of her candles.
And from then on I only bought them from her.

We weren’t that close, but I loved her and admired her so.

I would have never guessed she was struggling.

We truly just never know.

I wish I would have known.

My heart is broken. Yesterday I had one of her candles lit in my apartment, and I was thinking how I was looking forward to getting her summer collection. I had texted her last week saying I’d love to come support her at the farmer’s market.

How could this happen?

I just wanna say, if you are ever feeling alone or depressed please seek help. Please remember you are important. You matter. Your life MEANS something to people. Don’t let the voices of depression win. You matter. You’re important. You’re important. You matter.

I wish I could shout it from the roofs so every person who needs to hear it could hear it: You are important. You are loved. You matter. Please believe it.

______

Man, do we need a kinder world.

After what I saw today, I’m shook.

What should I direct my energy towards while I still can while I’m here?

I don’t wanna show off or compete or make anybody else feel like shit. Why are we not coming together more? Why aren’t we uniting more?

Why aren’t we making this world a better place for us all to live in?

So many are stressed because of bills.
Because of working jobs and barely getting by.
And that stress leaks into relationships.
We then have all this pressure to look a certain way, to have a certain car, to consume consume consume to make it look like we have it together. WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?

God help me. God help us.
God help our world.

I’m sending love to each and every one of you here. Keep believing for something good. Keep having faith. Keep being kind. Keep loving. Keep being the light. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep the faith.

YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

Reach out for help if you need it. Don’t go at this alone.

Let’s keep holding on to the light and being more of the light in this world.




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Greener

Is the grass greener where you water it? Or is the other side really gonna be better?

I feel like I’ve gone in a big circle
Only to arrive at the same place, almost empty handed

From here it feels like I can still go anywhere
But where to now?

What do I really want?
What actually matters?
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to do?

I don’t know if I want to settle here, or break everything down to go elsewhere.
Perhaps travel and just go where my soul desires.

Should I chase more experiences?
Or stay focused and build solid assets I could rely on in the future?

A mixture of both?

Do I go live in a car for a couple of months and just explore around?
Do I go to Bali and just figure it out from there? Get a yoga certification? Do a silent retreat and heal all my wounds?

Or do I stay put and become more of a power player? Generate more cash, get some land/real estate and settle down for a bit before traveling on?

Do I stop being reasonable and have wild experiences? Just call you at 7 P.M to come over and sneak into your bedroom?

Do I stay a good girl — stop fantasizing about nonsense and just be in one relationship, get married, get the house, get the car and just live a wholesome life with a maxed out ROTH IRA, contributing to the 401k, some stocks and the real estate investment increasing in value?

Do I break up with my partner and then just go on a wild soul search, spend time alone, finally write a book, cry alone every evening and put all my energy into growing a YouTube channel?

Do I release all control and let life surprise me?

Do I let a little more time pass before I make any decisions?

Do I try to do a little bit of everything without making too many extreme choices?

I dunno….

What is it all for anyway?

What’s the point anyway?

What matters anyway?

Is the way we feel more important than the stuff we gain?
Or is being actualized in BOTH feeling and external reality the TRUE crème de la crème?

I gotta be honest with you, I want both.

I want to feel fulfilled internally and externally. Right now I feel like I am half full. I still have some way to go.

Some say I should just be happy with the journey. “The journey is the prize” is what I heard today.
And man, that resonated. THIS moment is all we ever have. We gotta find the joy in the present. Not in some future.

BUT I FUCKING KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING MORE AND HIGHER HERE FOR ME

I keep searching and yearning for it

and then judging myself for not “enjoying the journey” because I want to get THERE so bad
but perhaps the real pain is in judging myself for wanting — I can WANT and let it be that my present is indulging in the feeling desire

There is something quite titillating about being in desire – being in wanting — but not in the sense of lack (because when we are lacking, it doesn’t feel good: ie. lacking food/lacking resources)

I’m talking about the type of desire that is on the upper floor of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Anyway, I’m digressing.

What am I even saying?

Gosh, I deeeeeply desire to transcend my current playing field. I want to be vibrating at a higher frequency. I want to feel greater heights of pleasure. Joy. Beauty. Abundance. Peace. Support. Connection. Love. And from this FULL ASS FUCKING CUP, I want to give back to everything I could touch.

But how do I get there?

I don’t know. I’m still on the journey to find out.

——–

Today I met with a special someone. Someone with beautiful eyes and a sweet soul.
For a second I had this sense of what it would look like to achieve the goal. To achieve the things I’m after and for it all to materialize and actualize. And it felt both beautiful and also like “aw, it’s the end of the book.” The end of the story.

You ever get to the end of a movie/book/show and you’re both amazed but also kinda sad that now it’s over? Yeah. That’s what it felt like.

So now I’m on this vibe that I should enjoy the journey more and be less focused on the destination.

But, I don’t know what to prioritize at the moment — you know?

What actually does matter?

Sigh.

Will you give me a clue?

Damn, this was a long one. If you’re still here — you’re the real MVP. You are the one I have dreamed of writing for. Thank you.

Cheers to our biggest, boldest, wildest, most beautiful, exhilarating life!

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Wish

I wish it were you…

I text came through

I wish it were you

and again it wasn’t

I’m looking at my phone again to see if anything changes, like opening the fridge for the 3rd time in hopes of finding something good but there ain’t nothing but some condiments and the quinoa you’ve made 6 days ago

What’s gotten into me?
Love.

I’m having these moments where I’m feeling high off life again. I can feel myself vibrating at a higher frequency. I can feel my connection to you and to the oneness of all there is. It’s so delicious.

I’m so damn ready to quantum leap.

Like f*3k playing small and being so dense

I wanna be electric
Magnetic
In flow ✨🌊

I want my chakras open
My energy aligned

I wanna draw you closer
I wanna dance
Sing
Play
Laugh
Cry

I wanna emanate abundance and give back to the needing places of the world

I wanna spread a message of love, peace, joy, freedom, health and all that’s good

I wanna LIVE AWAKENED

I wanna burst with bliss and deep pleasure, ecstasy and enjoyment of this paradoxical, wild, beautiful, sad, bittersweet world

GAHHHH

I want it so bad

but for now…

I must wait

wait until the stars align, the clocks bring us together and maybe you’ll text

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Trust

The other day I heard myself say, “Perhaps, after all, there is no magic.”

My heart broken at the thought of a meaningless universe.

I’m holding my breath in anticipation that everything will turn around and the sneaky suspicion that there is something beautiful here for us is going to finally reveal itself and it will all make sense. All the pain, the hardships, the sadness, the difficult times — it will all be for a good and greater purpose.

I gotta trust. I gotta keep believing.
I gotta keep having faith even when I want to collapse instead.

So I pick up the pieces of my wounded little soul and wipe the tear off my cheek. I remind myself I am a warrior. I am strong. I am capable. I am resilient. I am here for a reason.

If only I could stop playing small. If only I could release all this dirt from my DNA and re-wire, re-program, re-code myself into the light. Calibrate myself into the frame of existence where I own my world. I own my reality. I’m not lost or afraid or feeling out of control. Defeated.

So much energy spent on processing nonsense. On being in “Woe is me” mentality. Sulking. Complaining. Drowning in this muck. Giving my power away. Feeling like the forces that are trying to sink me are so much greater than me. Gasping for hope.

WHERE ARE YOU GOD? Were you ever even there?

What is this? Who am I? Why am I in this constant state of dis- ease when I KNOW deep down in my bones there is so much more than that. Yet I can’t seem to tap into it. I can’t seem to cross over.

I keep reaching, reaching, reaching — falling back down.
Reaching, striving, reaching, reaching — falling further down in quantum quicksand.

sizufdhgidhfgidhfbodhf. It angers me. Annoys me. I can’t get away from me. 24/7 stuck in this body which in truth I love so much. “I love you.” I whisper to myself. “I care.” “I’m here.” “I’m listening.”

I sink deeper into my body. Craving ecstasy, freedom, boundless unity and mass expansion. I want to melt into the nothing. I want to become one with the ethers. I want to be free.

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Lay

Can I just lay here a while?
And hear you talk.

Can you tell me everything about everything?
I want to get high off of your perspective. Your view of the world.

Take me to the highest highs and the lowest lows. Take me to all the in-betweens. Let us lay here for a while longer. I want to melt into the ether with you.

Can I make you an avocado toast?
Can I bring you some freshly squeezed orange juice?
Can I make you your favorite banana bread?
Can I hang up your clothes?
Can I tidy this room up for you?

When I think about life and how I want to be living all I can think of is spaciousness. Peace. Health. Joy. Trust. Connection. Alignment. Surrender. Love.

Can you imagine living from such openness?
Where every cell in your body is radiating.

Life is such a tricky paradox, man.
Just when you think you’ve gotten a handle of it, it trips you back up.
Just when you think you’re good- some bill comes in the mail, the car gets a flat tire, the earth quakes, the dog pees on the carpet, the milk spoils, the A.C stops working, someone dies, a wallet gets stolen, and you didn’t win the lotto again.

Sigh.

Just take me back to the moment where I’m laying with you.

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Purpose

For a moment I closed my eyes and I could see it…
True peace
True health
True well-being
Safety

A deep knowing of it all being okay
Feeling connected
Cared for
Loved

This is how we should be living

Not in fear, scarcity, pay-check to pay-check

There are moments where I feel so much certainty over the plan of God over our lives.
That we are meant to be well. We are meant for havingness, abundance, freedom, joy, connection, love, peace. This is where we are meant to be living from.

Deep down I feel like I know this to be true to my core.

I can hear it in the music.
I can picture it in my mind.

Why have we gone so astray?

I feel so small in the face of it all. It’s so noisy sometimes I can’t find who I am. I can’t hear my own voice. I can’t tell if you’re really there.

God I thought you were real. I thought you were there. I thought you cared. I thought we mattered. Don’t let the world suffer.

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You Matter

Normally I come into the space to rant about my nonsense…

But today,

I want to address you.

I want to leave you with something.

I want you to know that you matter.
You are important.
You have talents, wisdom, knowledge and gifts that add value to the world.

Don’t let the negativity get the best of you. I know life gets hard sometimes. The challenges are a test. They help build you up. Keep trusting your journey. Hold yourself through the uncertain moments. You are your guarantee. Create a pleasant space within your body. Your body is your first home.

You are valuable.
You are unique.

Don’t worry about what anybody else is doing. You came here to be a true individual. There is no one else like you. You are wonderful. Magnificent. Intelligent. Capable of achieving your goals.

Trust your journey. Trust that everything is happening FOR you. Have fun. Release control. Don’t judge yourself. Allow yourself to unravel and develop at the pace you are meant to without forcing.

YOU MATTER.

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Stars

I looked up at the stars tonight and thought of you

I took a deep breath of the cool late night air and for a moment it’s as if I could feel you

You came into my life out of nowhere
I didn’t think I’d ever see you again

What a curious encounter.
What weird timing.

I don’t feel like I’m mature enough.
Mature to give you what you want and need.

I’m still afraid. I’m still insecure. Like a little girl. I’m shy. Squirmish. I’m still playing oh so small.

And I’m kinda pissed about it. I’m mad at myself because I’m not growing fast enough. I’m not living at the highest embodied version of myself.

I feel locked and oppressed. Sometimes heavy. Dense. My light is dim.

This doesn’t just impact me, but it also impacts my ability to lift more people. I can’t pour from an empty cup.

But that’s gotta change.

I want to be in your frequency. I want to be in your world. Even if it’s just for a little while.

They say when you meet “the one” you would know. Do you believe there is a “the one” out there for you? The one who makes it all make sense? The one who feels like home? The one who feels “right”? Like “yesss— THIS!”

The one who you feel at peace with even in silence. Where you feel safe, seen, understood and heard? The one you could lay your head on their shoulder and talk with for hours about the mysteries of the universe?

Is that person real?

I’d love to make you an avocado toast
and a yogurt bowl topped with fresh fruits we picked from the garden

I’d like for the day to move slowly
For the birds to happily chirp
For the windows to be big, bright and the ceilings tall

I’d like to feel healthy and vibrant
connected to the Universe

True peace

Heaven on Earth

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