It’s the tail end of summer. The evening felt warm last night but the world felt cold.
I was walking the anxiety away. The pressure on my chest from the passage of time and the news of my mother’s illness weighed on me like a boulder.
So I whipped out what I always do in times likes these…
Pema Chödrön. One of my favorite Buddhist teachers.
I put on my headphones and listened to her calm, soothing voice remind me of impermanence. Remind me to just sit with the discomfort. “Humans don’t just feel good” she said. “Breathe into the discontent.”
I started to again reflect on attachment. How I must accept that nothing is forever. Life is not forever. I can’t hang on too tightly. Not to my youth, not my belongings, not my titles, not the people I love. I must learn to be with what is while it is and to let it go when it is time to let go.
ROAR!
I get it…I hear it. I know it. But it doesn’t make it any easier.
So let me sit with all of it. The part of me that knows better and the part of me that wants to squirm, complain, and throw a little tantrum.
—
On other news…
Lately everything reminds me of you.
There’s a canyon sized hollow without you here.
Sigh.
I am longing to soften.
To rest deeply in my body in powerful surrender. To fill my lungs with sweet, juicy air in full trust that it is all working in divine order. We are not late, we are not early, we are exactly where we should be.
Can I trust?
Can I really, really trust this time?
I am wanting to take the wild leap.
I am starting to think we live in a simulation. Or something sort of similar to it. Life’s too weird, too magnificent, too damn trippy not to lift a brow in suspicion that perhaps something’s up.
Too many strange coincidences leave my radar on alert.
I think I am ready.
I don’t know for what. But I am ready!
His named rolled off my tongue like a marble, smooth and certain, echoing across his bright kitchen before returning to my ears like a familiar song. I couldn’t believe how natural and comfortable it felt. It’s is as if we’d been family all along. Like I’ve been there life times ago, and now a life time again.
—
Not too long ago my ex pinned me with a word: avoidant. Says I ought to look at myself more deeply as not to “run away” from love.
Is that what I am? An avoidant?
I thought I was just walking away from his chaos.
—
I remember my first kiss. I was about 12 years old. I thought this was it. I had found “love” the way it’s written in the fairy tales.
The boy never wanted to see me again.
Very quickly I learned that a kiss could actually mean nothing. It was less a doorway to love and more like a soap bubble: beautiful for a breath, then pop. Gone.
Rude awakening.
After that I became obsessed with kissing. I remember keeping a tally of the boys I had kissed. Each name gave me a little jolt of power. Proof I could kiss a boy and not care. That I could be nonchalant. Detached. Almost smug. Julian, Danny…it doesn’t matter. Next.
Later, as an adult, I had many relationships, most of which I ended myself. Strangely, the ones that never became anything were the ones that gripped me the most. The intoxicating cycle of chase, touch but never quite catch is like the violent rush and crash of an amphetamine. I’m alive! Electric and devastated all in the same. Mmm. Ow. I’m awakened by the wreck and feening for more.
So naturally, when I think about settling with one person it starts to feel crowded, like the walls are closing in. It reeks of routine: sameness, monotony, the tired little “How was work?” at the end of each day. God, is this it? Does the adventure end here? How unbearably dull.
On the same token there is nothing but a desire to be with the one who makes getting smothered by walls all the rave. That’s the thing about feelings, sometimes they make no sense. You can want and not want something paradoxically so.
—
So fast forward back to you. Back to your kitchen. Back to the sound of your name ricocheting off the walls. Back to all the ways you are kind, thoughtful, intelligent, sweet, caring.
But still…
Something doesn’t feel whole. Like a thousand-piece puzzle with the very center piece missing. An absence you can’t look away from. Bummer.
Does that mean I’m avoidant?
Or could it mean that I simply haven’t found you yet?
Perhaps love is more about letting go than holding on.
But man, do I wish I could keep you.
Currently, I am learning that the most loving act is to let people be. Let them go if that is what they wish. Let them stay by their own free will.
Perhaps true love is not about forcing someone to stay. It’s not about convincing, manipulating, cajoling. It’s not about begging, hoping and praying. It’s about letting. Let it happen. Let it be.
Perhaps this is the greatest gift we can give another. To allow them to find their own happiness, even if it’s not with you. To allow them to be full — without you. To allow them freedom to truly be who they are without judgment. Perhaps it’s simply sitting with them with your full presence without wanting to take or give or do anything more but allow them the agency to make their own choices — even if that choice has nothing to do with you.
Oh what a love. A love that is simply present. Allowing. Graceful. Grounded. Poised. Unwanting. Unafraid. Trusting. Unattached to the outcome. Okay no matter what.
Oof.
Man, does it hurt. Does it hurt to let go. Does it hurt to detach. But only at first.
I hold space for this pain. I sit with it. I honor it. I don’t numb it, hide or distract from it. I breathe into it. I give it my love. “I am right here.” “I am right here with you.”
I fill myself with my own love. My own attention. My own care. My own shakti. I let it be. I let it all be because I realize I am already whole. I am already free. And I can let you just be.
Today I found myself shredding what once was such an important document but now has no purpose, value or meaning
It reminded me of the times back in college where for a semester I would hold on to my Syllabus’ like they were gold only to later toss them in the recycling bin never to be worried about again
Gahhhh…. this life
What a bittersweet experience
To work for it all only to let it go
The Buddha says the attachment to desire is the root of our suffering
Attachment. Keyword.
We think we own something, but really it’s all borrowed. Borrowed land. Borrowed body. Borrowed time.
I don’t even know if “borrowed” is the right word to use though. Because that implies there is a lender. Who is the lender? What is the lender?
I don’t know. I don’t want to get too deep in philosophy today.
I just wanted to complain a little.
Complain about all this effort just to let it all go. Which begs me to think about what actually truly matters? I don’t want to waste the opportunity chasing nonsense I’m just going to be shredding. Building castles that I’m just going to leave behind.
This idea of leaving behind is interesting though. Legacy. What do I want to leave behind? Perhaps a little land. A little land where good things have happened to continue to usher in a brighter, kinder world where more humans do good for goodness sake.
I’d like to think, if we are going to exist – might as well make it epic. Make it enjoyable. Make it worthwhile. Don’t you think?
I said mean things to you and I’m sorry. Underneath I’m just so scared to tell you how I really feel because if you knew I loved you then you’d run.
I toss between giving in too much and holding back.
I hate being in this place. Of wanting so much to say I love you, mean it, show you, and have it be returned.
You say mean things to me too. You make me anxious. Nervous. And unsure of myself.
I can’t always tell if it’s coming from me or coming from you. If you’re the one who makes me feel this way or if it’s within me.
I was so happy at first. Thinking everything I’ve wanted I had found in such a magical, coinciding way.
And now I’m unsure. I don’t know. And I’m just sitting here feeling sad, lost, and confused.
I can’t quite tell if it’s me or if it’s you.
Who’s making me feel not quite right. Not quite at ease.
It feels as if I have one foot forward one foot back. Like I can’t let go of the railing for fear that I may end up falling but with only the ground to catch me.
There’s this unspoken sense that I’m not quite enough. Where am I getting this from? Is it me or is it you?
Am I feeling this way because something within me needs to change or because you’re triggering me to feel this way?
I don’t always like the way I feel around you. The shy, uneasy, insecure parts of me shine most when you’re near.
But it gives me opportunity to practice. To practice not giving a fuck. Because how else will I learn?
I’m at this weird tipping point where it feels like I need to make a more clear decision about us. My hunch is that I need to step away. But then I go back and forth on the matter.
Maybe I need to chill the fuck out and stop being so emotional, needy, and insecure.
Wouldn’t that be nice?
I think having emotions and needs is normal, though.
I also think we all feel insecure from time to time. It’s called being “human.”
I think what I’m really trying to say is that I need to better manage my shit.
I’m also super hard on myself.
Radical self-acceptance. That’s what my life coach said I need.
That’ll be my daily practice.
Nothing belongs to me. Which is why trying to hold on is stupid.
I can “claim” you in theory, but I really can’t claim you. I can’t even claim me. I’m just passing by.
I can say you’re my friend, but really that’s just a figure of speech because I can’t HAVE you. Everything will end. Everything will pass.
It’s stupid if I try to make you into MY possession.
This is MY boyfriend. This is MY girlfriend.
Even if they stay loyal for life eventually they’re going to die. What happens to YOUR boyfriend then? Gone.
Nothing is yours. Nothing is mine. So why live with this tight ass grip around everything?
Let things come and go in peace. Be in peace yourself. Stop trying to hold on to everything.
Your youth. Your hair. Your teeth. Your body. Your house. Your car. Your friends. Your country. Your fucking toaster oven. It all fades, my friends.
This isn’t to be dark or depressing but merely to shed light on the facts. This is how it is as we know it (or as I know it at least, I can only speak for myself. Maybe you know some shit about time travel and bending reality or whatever that I still haven’t gotten the memo about).
Until then… learn to release the grip so you can have more fun without feeling threatened by change or loss.
Muah!
Everything comes to an end. Everything.
It’s all temporary.
And learning to manage all these changes is a bitch. No sooner do we form an attachment do we have to let go.
Let go of friendships. Places. People. Status. Things. Youth. Life itself.
Sometimes we never know when the end will come. It happens abruptly. Other times it’s a slow fade.
But either way it is enevitable.
I’m bringing this to awareness not so much to sulk about change, loss and endings but more so to learn to truly appreciate every moment.
To learn to build maturity around attachment. To learn to have healthy coping mechanisms around endings. To learn to freely let go without a fight, without scrambling to hold on.
Every moment is anew, nothing is ever the same. Everything is change and I accept it with love.
I notice how uneasy I feel.
How I’m trying to scramble for validation.
“Make me feel okay. Give me some sign that I am okay.”
I observe it.
I observe every time I’m scared. Every time I’m threatened. I observe the feelings of jealousy come up. I observe my insecurities flare up.
Then I want to zoom to the future. I want to rush to another moment where it feels okay.
So I actively breathe. I actively work to accept myself. Love myself. Honor myself.
I am present. I am sitting there with my anxiety. With my worry. With my fear. With my insecurity. With my awkwardness.
This is my experience.
A lot of my issues stem from attachment.
Where do I stand? For how long can I hold on?
Time is literally ripping everything from me. I am just passing by. And there are things, places, people, experiences, moments I would like to hold on to. I would like to keep. I would like to return to.
It’s a pity when you think you found something but it turns out it was a sham.
So you’re back to the drawing board.
I am breathing. I am accepting this moment. I am choosing to actively not resist. I am choosing to be okay with what is.
Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it storms.
Sometimes it shines. Sometimes it snows.
Sometimes it’s cloudy. Sometimes it’s blazing hot.
It comes and it goes.
It’s here and then it’s gone.
I’m breathing. I’m breathing.
I’m holding my heart.
I’m crying. I’m crying.
I’m holding my heart.
I’m scared. I’m scared.
I am holding my heart.
I’m breathing. And it’s okay.
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