It’s the tail end of summer. The evening felt warm last night but the world felt cold.
I was walking the anxiety away. The pressure on my chest from the passage of time and the news of my mother’s illness weighed on me like a boulder.
So I whipped out what I always do in times likes these…
Pema Chödrön. One of my favorite Buddhist teachers.
I put on my headphones and listened to her calm, soothing voice remind me of impermanence. Remind me to just sit with the discomfort. “Humans don’t just feel good” she said. “Breathe into the discontent.”
I started to again reflect on attachment. How I must accept that nothing is forever. Life is not forever. I can’t hang on too tightly. Not to my youth, not my belongings, not my titles, not the people I love. I must learn to be with what is while it is and to let it go when it is time to let go.
ROAR!
I get it…I hear it. I know it. But it doesn’t make it any easier.
So let me sit with all of it. The part of me that knows better and the part of me that wants to squirm, complain, and throw a little tantrum.
—
On other news…
Lately everything reminds me of you.
There’s a canyon sized hollow without you here.
Sigh.
I am longing to soften.
To rest deeply in my body in powerful surrender. To fill my lungs with sweet, juicy air in full trust that it is all working in divine order. We are not late, we are not early, we are exactly where we should be.
Can I trust?
Can I really, really trust this time?
I am wanting to take the wild leap.
I am starting to think we live in a simulation. Or something sort of similar to it. Life’s too weird, too magnificent, too damn trippy not to lift a brow in suspicion that perhaps something’s up.
Too many strange coincidences leave my radar on alert.
I think I am ready.
I don’t know for what. But I am ready!
There is so much I want to tell you it would take me 7,000 years and a day to put it all into words.
So I’ll kind of vomit it all here and see where that takes us. In the wise words of Post Malone, “Ooh, I fall apart. Down to my core” because literally that is how it has felt. Like the deepest part of my soul I didn’t even know I had has been touched in such a profound way I didn’t know was possible. But I only got a taste of it. A taste of pure love.
Speaking of falling apart — this is exactly what I am feeling.
Things have to fall apart in order for the new to come into place. It’s like a demolition.
If you’re falling apart, don’t worry. This is all going to make you grow.
Growing pains. It’s a thing.
Ugh this is one of those where I have a bajillion things to say but can’t really get it out.
My heart is closed.
It is but it isn’t.
It’s just re-directed.
I think I’m becoming a woman. LOL.
I’ve always felt like a girl. And I don’t know how to not be this tiny little girl I’ve always been.
Who the heck do I think I am becoming this woman who thinks she knows something? Lol…
Being human is funny.
I literally feel everything, it’s so much it’s annoying. Do I need a mood stabilizer? Perhaps.
I am this ball of sensations. From bliss, to awe, to sadness, grief, anger, fear, excitement, desire, back to sadness, annoyance, frustrations, all else in between.
Ok. I don’t want to trouble you with my woes and melancholies.
I’m not getting into the specifics.
Here’s what I am learning:
To hold nuance. To accept what is while also taking action on what I can. To regulate my nervous system. To remain grounded. To make space for pleasure and fun not just work and “trying to figure it out”. To not seek the outside to make me feel okay on the inside. To not let the outside make me not okay on the inside. To be okay on the inside as a state of being not a result of what I have or do.
Of course all I want to do is melt into the ether and fall in love with you and forget space and time. Of course all I want to do is be everything and nothing at all. Which makes no sense. I realize nothing actually makes sense.
I went to Improv yesterday. It was fun. And suddenly it dawned on me that life is just ABSURD. It makes no sense. That perhaps there is no embedded purpose, it just IS for no other reason other than it just is. Life IS. That’s it. Why? Because it IS.
ABSURD!!!!
My mind is blown. IT IS BLOWN, Felicia! BLOWN!
—
Lately I have also been taking deeeeeeeep breaths. I am trying to embody more. Savor more. Slow down more. Regulate more.
The fact that there are challenges IS what makes this experience SO interesting. Sometimes I fear getting everything I want because then it’s over. What’s there to do? Idk….
Gosh I have so many reflections to share… but we’ll keep it here for now.
Thanks for being here.
If you made it all the way down to these words.
You’re the real MVP.
You give me meaning beyond what I would have alone.
I suppose I’ll have to learn to live without you
No matter what, life goes on. It’s a cold reality.
This week I was walking the beach boardwalk and I felt like I was observing the moment outside of myself from above like a drone. I could see the passage of time. Everything and everyone moving on, living their life as if I wasn’t even here. Forgotten. Never known.
It made me think of the people I lost this year. My best friend, now a widow, slowly moving forward. Life must go on.
It’s been 6 days of silence between my partner and I. From “I love you” and exploring the world together to distance and silence. As if we just came and went.
I’m taking a deep breath as I write this and reflect on the coming together and falling apart. The ebb and flow. The circle of life.
I’m in the middle of nowhere on a planet that’s been flicked into space. Wow. What do I really know? A mere evolved ape. Or perhaps something other. Here for a little while. What do I make of it?
I don’t know. Try my best and surrender the rest is what I’m left with.
Pick myself up and move through life without you.
Life is bittersweet.
It’s both good and bad. And all else in between.
Everything annoys me.
Well, not everything, but everything. You know what I mean?
I’m so damn annoyed with the humans. Seriously. Wtf.
We’re out of control.
Not that we ought to be “controlled” but we are still so unconscious and immature it’s annoying.
It’s our idiocy that pisses me off. And what’s worst is that we stand up for our stupidity, our immaturity, our blatant wrong doing. We are such silly little creatures. I’m pissed.
We think we’re something. We think we have the right to claim whatever we want and have rulership over another. I wanna vomit.
Anyway. I don’t wanna sit here and complain in my usual fashion but at the same time I kinda do.
The other day I was walking from the beach and everything that would normally bring me joy like the sunlight, the ocean, the grass, the beautiful homes, the humans brought me disdain. I am disappointed in our behavior. Our lies, our tricks, our infidelity. Our acts of wrong.
But what the fuck are we supposed to do about it? We’re on planet Earth. Are we all supposed to walk around like robots in polite fucking manner 24/7 saying all the “right” things and making no god damn mistakes and just being in some perfect fucking world where everything just goes exactly how we want and everything is dandy and everything is okay and everything is fine and nothing ever goes wrong and everything is perfectly safe and happy and everyone is on their P’s and Q’s and it’s just sunnyville all day and all night and always and ta da – there ya have it?
WTF are we really supposed to do? What is the real way to be? What are the REAL FUCKING RULES. What truly does matter? What truly is RIGHT?????
DOES ANYBODY FUCKING KNOW?????
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND WHAT WE ARE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING DOING SO WE CAN GO AHEAD AND DO THAT ALREADY AND CALL IT A DAY?
Why am I so angry?
😦
Sometimes I feel so angry.
At the injustices. At this nonsense of a fucking world we have created.
I know there is so much good. I know there is so much to be grateful for. And I am. It’s beautiful. There is so much to love and be grateful for. I’m writing on fucking computer for God’s sake.
I’m so thankful. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Thank you for all you do. Thank you for all you are.
But WHAT THE FUCK????
No, really, wtf?
Why do I just wanna get it over with already?
I do but I don’t. I wanna marvel at the existence of all there is for as long as I can. I wanna love deeply and perhaps even figure out how to extend life beyond this body. I believe we can. I believe we can transfer our consciousness to another host/body. I think we can preserve this. I think we can find a way to live and survive beyond the point our bodies give out.
Because what is death anyway? To my understanding when the body stops functioning then it can no longer hold the consciousness. I don’t know what happens to the consciousness when the body can no longer hold it. Does it go up into the ethers where the Wifi is? Does it disintegrate and is no longer available for access? I don’t know but we can research this if we weren’t so fucking busy, distracted, lost or working jobs just for money to pay bills or whatever else other nonsense.
WHAT MORE IMPORTANT THAT PRESERVING YOUR LIFEEEEE, helloooo!!!??
Listen, what I noticed is that if you don’t get hit by a truck or shot or killed in some way, you age until your body gives out. When the body gives out who the fuck knows where you go. I don’t KNOW, do you?
^ Don’t give me your nonsense theory because I’ll be like ok, cute – how do you KNOW – let’s prove and test it and calculate it and measure it and KNOW IT INDEED BY FACT AND TRUTH AS CLEAR AS WE KNOW AT WHAT TEMP WATER BOILS. Ya know what I mean??
Anyway….
What if we could either stem cell our asses or grow some biological body in a lab or even a robot body I don’t care… and what if we could either transplant the brain or electrode the consciousness from one host to the new host??
WOULDN’T THAT BE AMAZING?????? OR interesting????
I dunno.
Just a thought.
All in all I’m kinda pissed and annoyed but I’m working through it.
Bye.
Everything is breaking down
It’s breaking down to let the new in
The old self is slowly dying
It’s sad, it’s scary, it’s bittersweet
I have to be strong. I have to be stronger than the loss. I have to accept. Accept impermanence. Accept change.
Time is passing. And with it is going my youth, some of the people around me, my hair line.
After many laps around the sun, you start to learn some things — gain some wisdom.
You gain a lot, you lose a lot. You build but in the end you let it all go.
One of my favorite aunts died last year. The house she bought was left behind. The clothes in her closet cleared away. The car she drove was given to her children.
This life is temporary. It’s all temporary. Some things break down and then we build them again. Yet in the end we keep nothing. So what is it all for? All this striving? All this doing? All this pressure to get it all “right”? The best hair, the nice shoes, the plump lips, the fancy outfits.
What are we all doing?
Why are we over capitalizing on each other to the point we can’t even enjoy this temporary life because we have to rush to a job just to make the payment to the banks for the ridiculously expensive mortgage loan adorned with suffocating interest.
This weekend I saw a Cheetos truck on the highway. So much gas is needed to fill up this truck to transport GARBAGE food into our groceries. What are we eating? What are we being fed?
What are WE DOING!? Is someone out there AWAKE!?
We are co-creating this God damned world here. Is this what you want? To go to debt for schooling, to go to debt to buy a car, to go to debt to buy a house and LIVE OUR WHOLE LIVES SLAVES TO BANKS and their interest payments?
So many cars on the road as we commute to work jobs we don’t even like. WHAT ARE WE DOING?
Are these the jobs we really want?
Are we happy with what we are creating? This is OUR WORLD.
We, together, call the shots. WHAT ARE WE DOING?
I’m pissed. And sometimes feel so damn powerless in the face of it all.
I hope we find a way to make it better. This experience here is temporary. I want to make the best of it and have supportive systems that create ease and peace for people. Not disease, stress, debt, depression, lack, scarcity, fear… what the fuck is going on.
I saw someone share this image below and it was the best thing I saw on the internet yesterday. So I am sharing it here with you.
^ I didn’t create the image I saw someone share it on facebook and I’m sharing it here with you…
Life is hard enough as it is — why don’t we come together to make it better? To make it pleasant?
There is something so deeply poetic about endings.
Life is constantly in the process of moving, from one moment to the next.
The moment you started reading this is already over, you are now getting to the middle and now the end of this sentence.
It’s all evaporating. Morphing. Changing.
Everything changes.
And what hurts is that sometimes we wish it wouldn’t.
We wish we didn’t have to say good bye to the people and places we love because letting go of something we hold dear is painful.
There is something so deeply painful about going through the loss of what we love.
The loss of a lover, a friend, a parent, our youth.
There is something so bittersweet about this aspect of change. Change is what allows us to experience. To grow. To move through time.
Sometimes it means moving closer to the people and things we want, while other times moving further and further away.
The pain of a breakup feels like the soul is being ripped apart.
The pain of detaching. Healing. It hurts so profoundly.
Wounds can be complex in nature. They have dimension. They can bring both wisdom, sadness, fondness, appreciation, regret. Some wounds are like a soup carrying a mixture of flavors and many ingredients.
It’s so hard to say good bye sometimes.
Yet it’s these very endings that clear the same for the new. For rebirth. For transformation. We must let go of what is in order to step into what is becoming and what will be. It’s the endings that will make way for your greatest joys. For fresh energy to enter your life and new wisdom to be gained.
Until it’s time to say good bye to that too at some point. A new ending from another beginning.
Gahhhh.
I like to think of enduring endings the way you would a tattoo. They’re painful, but you just sit there and take the pain. Sometimes that’s all we can do. Is sit and take the pain. To fully sink into it and feel it. To embrace the shadow, the dark, the hurt, the loss, the sickness, the breakdown, the storm. To look it all in the face and simply endure. Simply be with it. Simply accept that it hurts and that all we can do in this moment is feel the pain. There is no where to go or hide. The only place is here and now and this pain.
Oof.
Boy, I tell ya. This life. It’s a sick, wild, beautiful, wonderful, sad, bittersweet piece of art.
I’m getting ready for a move which has me cleaning out closets, old papers, old boxes
Downsizing even further
Letting go of old clothes
Yet still holding on to old stuff I can’t seem to let go of (letters, journals, photos, a bunch of cables with different random plugs maybe someday I’ll need. You know, the type of stuff you keep in the junk box).
And then there is all this paper of stuff that used to matter but no longer matter
the stuff that once was soooo important but now it‘s going in the trash
and that’s the crazy thing about life
The important eventually becomes unimportant.
We stress so much over life but eventually none of it will matter
which isn’t to say become apathetic about it, but just notice where you’re overly stressing
Live with less self imposed pressure
enjoy life without overly stressing
find more grace in the journey
-breathe-
sigh
anyway…
I feel like I’m changing
in ways I can’t even yet understand
I’m excited and ready for the change
like I’m ready to be this damn butterfly I’ve been waiting to be
but at the same time it still feels like I have some ways to go
some learning to do
so let me take a page from my own book and learn to trust the process
I’m getting mixed messages
One part of me is trying to stay safe, do what it knows can at least give it slow/steady results if I stick to the plan and do what the old timers have done
Work your job, pay your bills, save for retirement and just do the safe thing— the “normal” thing
Just save for a house. Have a car fully paid for. Be good, kind, start a family and keep working that job until you can retire after 401k, IRA and few stocks pay off at 65
“WHAT!? Is that really the plan!?” the other part of me chimes in
this other part wants nothing to do with that safe yet painfully slow ride to my death bed
This other part wants to dive fully into the depths of the unknown
To run away to places like Bali, Spain, Italy, Greece, Thailand just because I feel called to
To wake up in new places, eat new foods, meet new people, and go on a wild journey that frees every cell of my being
It wants to go out with a bang
Filled with love, magic and stories to tell
To fall deeply in love with self
To dance in the rain without feeling shame for the way I look when my hair is wet and you can see how my forehead is too big and how the sides of my hair aren’t as thick anymore
To feel the sun gently laying on my skin as I breathe deeply filling my lungs with the juice of life
a life that feels vibrant, radiant, healthy, free
this part of me wants to throw reason out of the window
it wants to REBUKE fear from every cell of my being in order to experience bliss, magic, ecstasy
It wants to say FUCK YOU to the chains of safe, predictable living and take a LEAP of no return — it’s do or die
and if I die,
at least it wasn’t from the torture of monotony
But still
I am conflicted
There’s this deep sadness I feel sometimes
Because despite life being awe inspiring, beautiful and filled with lovely moments…
I can’t ignore the other side of the coin
Death, pain, suffering, ignorance, immaturity, injustice, sickness, wrong doings, _______ <insert bad thing here.
The other night I woke up from a bad dream
and I was flooded with tears
Tears because of the loss I’ve experienced in the past
and for the loss I’ll experience in the future.
For all the suffering on this planet
and for how small I feel sometimes in the face of it all.
I had a thought come up about needing to “let go of my ego”…
Something that feels like a recurring lesson
Saying “I’m sorry”
Acknowledging where I’m at fault and how I’m contributing to my problems
Owning up to my mistakes rather than fighting to be right
Not easy to say “I’m sorry” during moments I rather be a brat and stick up for my side of the story.
Sometimes I dance between ideals and apathy
Seeing the beauty and miracle that is life
yet also seeing the ugly and merciless hands of time that takes it all away
I think about my mom sometimes
her aging…
how much she struggled and how I wish I could give her a castle, and everything she could ever dream of
How I wish I could give you the world
How I wish I could save the world
How I wish things were different
How powerless I feel as a spec in an infinite universe
What do you want from me?
I’m here… to die 😦
reflectoutloud.com 