I’m getting mixed messages

One part of me is trying to stay safe, do what it knows can at least give it slow/steady results if I stick to the plan and do what the old timers have done

Work your job, pay your bills, save for retirement and just do the safe thing— the “normal” thing

Just save for a house. Have a car fully paid for. Be good, kind, start a family and keep working that job until you can retire after 401k, IRA and few stocks pay off at 65

“WHAT!? Is that really the plan!?” the other part of me chimes in

this other part wants nothing to do with that safe yet painfully slow ride to my death bed

This other part wants to dive fully into the depths of the unknown

To run away to places like Bali, Spain, Italy, Greece, Thailand just because I feel called to

To wake up in new places, eat new foods, meet new people, and go on a wild journey that frees every cell of my being

It wants to go out with a bang

Filled with love, magic and stories to tell

To fall deeply in love with self

To dance in the rain without feeling shame for the way I look when my hair is wet and you can see how my forehead is too big and how the sides of my hair aren’t as thick anymore

To feel the sun gently laying on my skin as I breathe deeply filling my lungs with the juice of life

a life that feels vibrant, radiant, healthy, free

this part of me wants to throw reason out of the window

it wants to REBUKE fear from every cell of my being in order to experience bliss, magic, ecstasy

It wants to say FUCK YOU to the chains of safe, predictable living and take a LEAP of no return — it’s do or die

and if I die,

at least it wasn’t from the torture of monotony

But still

I am conflicted