I am lost,
and find myself looking around the living room like a bewildered John Travolta in the movie Pulp Fiction.

I find myself disillusioned. I’ve asked too many questions and sought too many answers and now I know too much.

They are right, ignorance is bliss.


Humans have created a world where access to basic safety is financialized. Shelter, food, healthcare, rest, community: all monetized. And when you make noise about it people fight for this system. They fight for the rat race.

Where to from here? Still, anything is possible.

I don’t want to be in my ego.
I don’t want to play pretend.
I don’t want to lie and sell you something that isn’t true.
I don’t want to act. I don’t want to smile just to appease you.
I don’t want to gloss over reality. I don’t want to gloss over the truth.

But what about the magic? The fantasy? The childlike wonder that has always been a part of my soul? What happens to that part of me?

Balance.
Balance.
Balance.

Both the miracles and the mundane can co-exist.

This world how it is is exhausting.
We have made it about money and power over genuine care and sustainable growth.

I think it is because we are immature. We are still developing. I don’t know what it will take for a greater mass awakening to occur. I don’t know if it will ever happen either. Anything goes. Anything is possible from here.

I still carry hope.
I still carry hope.

As for me, personally, where do I go from here?

I don’t know.
My disillusionment has taken me to a place where it’s hard to trust my innocent impulses. I used to believe that when you jumped a net would appear. That the “Universe will catch me.” That if I just “went for it” that things would magically come together. That I am called to something great if I just trust and go for it, it will be revealed.

But that has not been my experience. I jumped and no net appeared. Instead, I fell deep in a whole with long term bruises I am still in recovery from. I took the step. I followed my heart and intuition. And it led me to a dead end street. It led me to confusion. To bewildered in a living room in Texas state wondering what was it all for?


I recently find myself looking at cost of living in London. Thinking perhaps I will go there and get into fashion.
Alternatively, I found myself fantasizing about living on the road writing my philosophy and ponderings. Capturing videos of the moments that move me and writing my sentiments about them.
Alternatively, I move back to where I’ve been. Focus on making money like the rest of us just to pay rent. Just to eat food. Just to do the same basic thing we are cornered into doing because of the way this world is currently set up for us to exist in.

Alternatively, I move in with my mom. Save more money and work on my visions from there.

Alternatively, I stay in Texas. Find a home here and figure out life from here.

Ugh, even the statement “figure out life” makes me want to puke a little. This feeling of having to figure out life is exhausting.

Alternatively, I make jewelry. Alternatively, I’ll go to portugal. No– to Bali and take a yoga course. Alternatively, I take a yoga course in California instead. No… I will go to Italy. No. Shave my head and become a monk. No. I don’t know.

I am lost.