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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

Tag

coping

Hello, it’s me…

I feel like I’ve been MIA on here for a while.

And right now there is so much I want to tell you.

Where do I start?

So many images flooding through my mind.

I’m trying to figure it out. As usual.

Life’s a fucking trip, man.

My biggest concern is that I am aging. My youth is slipping. Every day. And I want to set myself up for success.

Success according to my standards.
Meaning I feel good and look good and have abundance in my life. Abundance in all areas. For as long as I possibly can.

We can’t always control the outside, but we can always control the inside.

I want to feel connected, inspired, aligned more often.

Which means I need to let go of my limiting, negative internal dialogue.
Breathe. Be present. Stay calm. Trust.

I welcome more gratitude.
More trust. More faith. More confidence.

I am trying to decide what path I am going to be taking in my career. I also need more discipline.

I know I want to do all these great things, and I’ve already started… But I also know where I need to make adjustments.

This isn’t even really what I want to tell you… but these are the thoughts coming up right now.

I just briefly want to touch on my average IQ.

I’m nothing great. I’m nothing beyond standard. Average intellect.

Can someone like me – average, really produce something genius? Something new? Something that hasn’t already been done before.

I mean… I just had a thought in my head right now but I don’t want to go into it right now because it’s too intense to type and I don’t feel like getting intense.

Anyway…

What more can I tell you?

Oh. I’ve been learning to give less fucks.

I mean I still give plenty of fucks but a little less now.

It’s been helping greatly.

Whereas before I felt overly responsible for people’s feelings, now I feel less so.
Whereas before I felt overly concerned about certain outcomes, now I feel less so.

What a relief!

Still a work in progress.

I want to get to the point where I am literally able to just actually say what’s on my mind regardless of scenario. Like fuck you, I’m not going to pretend because you can’t manage your own goddam feelings — and you shouldn’t have to pretend for me either.

That’s how we get a bunch of fake people and create fake interactions based on false presentation.

Fuck that,

I’m vulgar sometimes.

I’m sorry. But not sorry.

Sometimes I am ashamed of my background. Growing up in low class has me picking up certain behaviors, speech patterns, thought processes. And has given me a certain experience of life compared to those in higher class, affluent communities.

I wish I was more educated. Or that I had paid attention in school. I didn’t know better.

But I wouldn’t want to be all proper and not know my hood shit. I actually love both. I love both sides of the coin. I love intelligent conversation, big words, tall postures, class, poise, elegance, luxury.

I also love me some late night grungy nights in a dirty NYC basement where I’m thrashing my head back and fourth screaming “YEAH, DJ SPIN THAT SHIT.”

Best of both worlds.

I also love to explore other cultures.

I can’t wait to travel.

See the world. Learn new things.

“Things.” I hate that I use the word “things” to describe experiences I want because I lack a more descriptive word. There goes that IQ issue I’ve been talking about. My two little brain cells just scrambling in there trying to come up with the right words.

Anyway.

Enough of my  bullshit.

Kudos to you if you survived until the end of this reflection.

Good-bye, it’s me.

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Endings

Everything comes to an end. Everything.

It’s all temporary.

And learning to manage all these changes is a bitch. No sooner do we form an attachment do we have to let go.

Let go of friendships. Places. People. Status. Things. Youth. Life itself.

Sometimes we never know when the end will come. It happens abruptly. Other times it’s a slow fade.

But either way it is enevitable.

I’m bringing this to awareness not so much to sulk about change, loss and endings but more so to learn to truly appreciate every moment.

To learn to build maturity around attachment. To learn to have healthy coping mechanisms around endings. To learn to freely let go without a fight, without scrambling to hold on.

Every moment is anew, nothing is ever the same. Everything is change and I accept it with love.

 

Changes

It amazes me how quickly things can change.
How a moment ago we were laughing and holding each other only to never speak again. Would it have felt different if I knew it’d be the last time I’d see you?

I am having a hard time coping with parts of my life’s unfolding. My aging face. My thinning hair. My changing body. My desire to be somewhere further along.
I’m having a hard time with loss. Loss of identity. Loss of youth. Loss of health. Loss of people. Loss of possessions. Loss of status.

I know there is only so much I can do externally to keep it all together. I know that I have to learn to gracefully accept what I cannot change and stop resisting what I can’t control. But it sucks. Damn, does it suck. Why can’t things just work and be my way? Why does it have to be so difficult?

Part of my struggle is internal. Because I cannot sit comfortably with the way things are. Because I tell myself a negative story about my external situation and assign a negative meaning to what is happening to me.

I know that if I want to experience lasting inner peace and satisfaction I have to commit to being kind to myself. I must commit to seeing myself as beautiful, worthy, enough, complete, deserving, lovable and ultimately safe regardless of my external situation.

I’ve started to do EFT – an acupressure form of therapy that helps heal emotional wounds created by excessive patterns of negative thinking. I like to watch and follow along to Brad Yate’s videos. I’ll share a link here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Ua7T01cdY

I am also working to exercise some faith. Faith that even though things may not be completely the way I want them to be right now, that in time, they will be.
Work in progress.
 

 

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