I feel like I’ve been MIA on here for a while.
And right now there is so much I want to tell you.
Where do I start?
So many images flooding through my mind.
I’m trying to figure it out. As usual.
Life’s a fucking trip, man.
My biggest concern is that I am aging. My youth is slipping. Every day. And I want to set myself up for success.
Success according to my standards.
Meaning I feel good and look good and have abundance in my life. Abundance in all areas. For as long as I possibly can.
We can’t always control the outside, but we can always control the inside.
I want to feel connected, inspired, aligned more often.
Which means I need to let go of my limiting, negative internal dialogue.
Breathe. Be present. Stay calm. Trust.
I welcome more gratitude.
More trust. More faith. More confidence.
I am trying to decide what path I am going to be taking in my career. I also need more discipline.
I know I want to do all these great things, and I’ve already started… But I also know where I need to make adjustments.
This isn’t even really what I want to tell you… but these are the thoughts coming up right now.
I just briefly want to touch on my average IQ.
I’m nothing great. I’m nothing beyond standard. Average intellect.
Can someone like me – average, really produce something genius? Something new? Something that hasn’t already been done before.
I mean… I just had a thought in my head right now but I don’t want to go into it right now because it’s too intense to type and I don’t feel like getting intense.
What more can I tell you?
Oh. I’ve been learning to give less fucks.
I mean I still give plenty of fucks but a little less now.
It’s been helping greatly.
Whereas before I felt overly responsible for people’s feelings, now I feel less so.
Whereas before I felt overly concerned about certain outcomes, now I feel less so.
What a relief!
Still a work in progress.
I want to get to the point where I am literally able to just actually say what’s on my mind regardless of scenario. Like fuck you, I’m not going to pretend because you can’t manage your own goddam feelings — and you shouldn’t have to pretend for me either.
That’s how we get a bunch of fake people and create fake interactions based on false presentation.
I’m vulgar sometimes.
I’m sorry. But not sorry.
Sometimes I am ashamed of my background. Growing up in low class has me picking up certain behaviors, speech patterns, thought processes. And has given me a certain experience of life compared to those in higher class, affluent communities.
I wish I was more educated. Or that I had paid attention in school. I didn’t know better.
But I wouldn’t want to be all proper and not know my hood shit. I actually love both. I love both sides of the coin. I love intelligent conversation, big words, tall postures, class, poise, elegance, luxury.
I also love me some late night grungy nights in a dirty NYC basement where I’m thrashing my head back and fourth screaming “YEAH, DJ SPIN THAT SHIT.”
Best of both worlds.
I also love to explore other cultures.
I can’t wait to travel.
See the world. Learn new things.
“Things.” I hate that I use the word “things” to describe experiences I want because I lack a more descriptive word. There goes that IQ issue I’ve been talking about. My two little brain cells just scrambling in there trying to come up with the right words.
Enough of my bullshit.
Kudos to you if you survived until the end of this reflection.
Good-bye, it’s me.