For a moment there I forgot who I was… like I had early amnesia except it looked more like being curled up in fetal position for hours and crying into my vanilla latte.
On the outside it looks great — sunny San Diego beach life, cozy cafes, bay walks, nature, books, clean sheets.
Inside? A tornado.
Yet, somehow, I lived through it.
As we approach the grand finale of the shit show that was 2025 I have nothing more to do than to bow to life for it’s elaborate, dramatic performance. “Namaste, bitch.” I am thoroughly surprised and speechless. Though I suppose not that speechless because here I am yapping about it.
I am very slowly starting to feel like myself again — a hopeless romantic, addicted to nostalgia and lost in the magic of life. I just want to drift away in unfettered abandon and land gently in the arms of a lover who may or may not exist but surely does in the cloud of my hopes.
Ahhh. Heaven.
Do you ever feel that? In love with someone you don’t even know yet?
Gahhh… whisk me away.
Anyway… I’ve been thinking some pretty negative thoughts and I don’t like it. I believe this has challenged my health a bit. Which is wild since this was the one thing I could say I had pretty dialed in and under control. But time is passing man. I just did my 37th lap around the sun. Whoa… who me!??
I don’t know how to be this woman I’m becoming. Who the heck is that staring at me in the mirror and where’d cute, little Laura go?
Now, suddenly I’m cranky and have the patience of a rabid raccoon.
But I am learning to love me. Not in an arrogant “I don’t need nobody” kind of way. Genuinely. Not a vain love. True love. Compassion. Fascination for the mere existence I’ve been given. I mean, I sort of always hovered around these themes — sometimes much much further away in the distance. But now I am moving closer to myself. Kindly. Unconditionally. Accepting my rhythm without judgment. Without rushing myself to some outcome. It’s still a messy project; a construction site with beams sticking out of the cracked foundation and unfinished wooden framing waiting patiently to be made into something stable. Solid. Complete.
Under construction…yep, that’s me.
Mmm…
Let’s rest here together as we contemplate love a little longer, shall we?
As we contemplate home.
I’ve been yearning for this sense of home, but not the kind that holds an address.
More a person who feels like home.
A person who feels like my whole world.
A bond so deep we don’t need much outside of each other.
Do you think that’s real? Does it exist?
Where do I start? Do I tell you about my gripes with unhinged capitalism? The passage of time? Or the general news of my aching heart?
“Where to from here?”
This is the question that keeps spinning in my mind like a vinyl record. Among several others.
I feel too much. Think too much. Do just enough. Or perhaps too much of the wrong thing, I can’t tell.
I am fighting with myself 24/7.
Mostly, I feel anger, dread and sadness lately.
So I started taking Saffron. Apparently they say it’s meant to help with mood. I could feel it sort of working, or perhaps it’s the placebo affect. I feel this sort of synthetic happiness. Like I can tell I am elevating a little but underneath is still this sort of polluted river.
I think I need to prioritize more of me. Stop getting back into cycles where I fall for a man and end up broken in the end. I’m over that circus.
Today I felt okay being alone. Trying to hold strong and not respond to my ex. Not go back to the past and focus on the future.
Anyway, the world feels cooked.
I refuse to stay quiet about it. I am not going to sit here while prices keep going up without pushing back on this nonsense. Is the answer to push back or elevate myself and others? What does that even mean? I don’t know.
What does it mean to elevate anyway? I don’t know.
A part of me is growing weary.
The other part is stubborn and refuses to give up hope.
I sort of feel like a Billie Eilish song and spirit. Just sort of… dead but alive.
—
Right now I stopped looking for romance. I feel closed off to it. Like I will cut a mother fucker who tries to get close to me. Never thought I’d get this closed.
Anyway, nothing too grand to share here today. No poetics. No magic. No fluff.
If this post could taste like something it would probably be a straight shot of whiskey.
“I’m sad”
This thought follows me around like a shadow
I think it almost every day
It comes in waves – randomly
And you know what – it’s true
because I am sad
I’m sad for all the things that aren’t “right”
Everywhere in the world
I’m sad for the children who suffer
For the parents who don’t know any better
For the hungry
For the poor
For the violence
For the things that go wrong
For the heartbreaks
For the deaths
For the loss
For the sick
For the worker who works so damn hard but STILL can barely get by
For the people who are doing too many drugs because they’re trying to numb the pain
For the wrongs we commit against each other
For the voices that never get heard
For the pain and the suffering that living beings endure
For the mistakes we make
For the times we lie
For the fear and anxiety we experience
For all the bullshit – you name it
Just insert it here _____________ < yes, I’m sad about that too.
And then I’m sad that I can’t do anything about it – I mean I can do something – a little something, but it feels like any little thing I do is so meaningless in the face of the beast of it all
But I don’t wanna be negative and think that my trying has no impact
Look at Martin Luther King — he did something
He stood up for his dream, now look at the ripple of effect of his choice — his choice to believe against the injustice, against the oppression, against the violence and the bullshit
Look at Rosa Parks
Look at the women he fought for our rights and now we get to vote
Look at the people who stood up for peace, for love, for unity, for respect, for communication, for harmony, for health, for that which is GOOD
I don’t know man….
And then I think about my own little life — my own bullshit — the me me me
the I wanna travel and drink my latte on the beach reading a book — LIKE BITCH, there are children dying in Africa and you wanna do WHAT now?
There’s this weight I feel on my shoulder sometime
this desire to help and make a difference
while also feeling so small and limited by my own bullshit
SIGH
SIGH
SIGH
Who am I to even try….
What am I even supposed to do?
What can I even start doing?
I could donate…
I could try to be kind in my community and hope that it ripples
I could try to educate….
I hate the word TRY, cuz trying doesn’t sound like actually DOING anything
Anyway, that’s my sad ass rant about the sad ass things in life that make me sad
I’m also grateful and hopeful
and do believe that a little goes a long way
and that together we can make a difference
we can heal, and figure this shit out
because how the fuck are we okay with hurting one another rather than helping and elevating each other?
Life on Earth can be so amazing if we stop with the bullshit, mature the F up and collaborate…
but God, that even sounds like a defeating task — especially when we consider how different everyone and everything really is on a global scale — But SO MUCH is already WORKING that we have to have faith that we CAN find harmony and we can improve the systems and life on Earth so we can reduce the bullshit and the suffering
and then we can be less sad
Not much to report but I felt like writing anyway.
Well, actually…some big changes.
I’m moving apartments.
I’m also getting ready to quit my job and take life in a new direction.
Additionally, giving less fucks about people who are shitty.
Those are my updates in a nutshell.
I’m hoping that 2019 will be a year of success. I’ll be intentionally laying the foundation for it to be so.
But things are still moving at glacier speeds, though moving nonetheless.
Or perhaps they’re moving at just the right speed but my impatient ass wants everything done yesterday.
My self diagnosed high functiong depression persists. But I do everything I can to kick it to the curb along with its ugly cousin anxiety.
I’m fine. For the most part… minus the occasional wave of depression mixed with a sprinkle of panic that smacks me in the face literally outta nowhere.
Ouch.
And then there are days when I’m genuinely feeling excellent. Chipper as can be. Especially when the sun kisses my skin and I’m free to design my day as I please. Ahhh, yes. More please!
I have a great feeling about this summer.
I’m going to immerse myself in plenty of activities. I’m also cutting down doing work that I don’t enjoy for money and focusing on what I do enjoy.
I acknowledge that moods are transient. Sometimes you just feel like shit and that’s fine.
I just gotta trust that everything will be okay. And I do. Despite the times doubt creeps in like a light flickered in the distance.
Then I shrug that shit off and keep it moving.
Faith. Hope. Ease. Flow.
Those are words I want to focus deeply on as my year unfolds.
Namaste 🙏🏼
It’s been over a month since I’ve had any income. Between my cross country move from NYC to Cali, rent, bills, and food expenses my wallet is starting to shrink.
I’ve gone on a handful of interviews, applied to literally over 100 jobs in a variety of fields, but haven’t actually landed anything. So as I leave yet another interview empty handed, with no job offer and without knowing when exactly my next paycheck will be, my spirit withers.
My mind begins to wander in darkness, spiraling through thoughts of “Maybe I’m not as good of a candidate I thought I was. Maybe I’m at the bottom of the barrel. There must be something wrong with me. Maybe I won’t make it out here, and this whole childish fantasy of mine was just a delusion – just a mistake.”
But as I walk through the streets of San Diego being kissed by the sun, hugged by the gentle breeze, and hypnotized by the sight of the calming palm trees, I’m reminded that I made the right choice even though right now I am not currently where I would like to be.
I remind myself that the journey itself is the destination. I remind myself to trust the process.
There is no need to rush.
No need to fear.
No need to let anxiety or worry run the show.
I am choosing to remain in flow.
I am also accepting, digesting and processing the fact that worry, anxiety, stress and even depression are a natural response to not getting what I want, when I want, as I want. These are natural responses to being out of my comfort zone. This is okay to feel. But I am also releasing these emotions as they come up because I am actively choosing to have faith despite of the facts.
I am breathing in flow energy and breathing out resistance. I am choosing hope over fear. I am choosing trust over anxiety. I am choosing calm over stress. I am choosing joy over depression.
I am choosing to enjoy the unfolding. I’m not taking life so seriously, and am choosing to have fun as I move through this period of adjustment in my life.
This is not always easy to do.
I’ve sat alone and cried, thinking “I have no strength. I can’t do this.” I’ve had a day where I didn’t want to get up from bed because I didn’t want to go on another interview to try to convince someone of my worth and why they should hire me. I didn’t want to put another fake smile on my face. Didn’t want to get dressed. Didn’t want to socialize with anyone.
So I gave myself permission to go through my emotions. To accept, love and honor myself in this process. To comfort myself and just say, “Hey, girl, what you’re feeling is totally okay. You’re going through a challenge right now. Who wants to smile and dance when they experience rejection on top of rejection? It’s okay to feel like this. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Be human. Be wildly human.”
Pep talks help.
Texting my woes to friends who encourage me help.Then getting up the next day, remembering that, “Oh, I’m actually a badass, go getter, New York City bitch and a beloved daughter of this universe,” gives me the fuel to keep pushing forward. To keep having faith. To trust the process.
So I breathe. Roll up my sleeves and keep moving.
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