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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

Tag

depression

Just Because

Not much to report but I felt like writing anyway.

Well, actually…some big changes.

I’m moving apartments.

I’m also getting ready to quit my job and take life in a new direction.

Additionally, giving less fucks about people who are shitty.

Those are my updates in a nutshell.

I’m hoping that 2019 will be a year of success. I’ll be intentionally laying the foundation for it to be so.

But things are still moving at glacier speeds, though moving nonetheless.

Or perhaps they’re moving at just the right speed but my impatient ass wants everything done yesterday.

My self diagnosed high functiong depression persists. But I do everything I can to kick it to the curb along with its ugly cousin anxiety.

I’m fine. For the most part… minus the occasional wave of depression mixed with a sprinkle of panic that smacks me in the face literally outta nowhere.

Ouch.

And then there are days when I’m genuinely feeling excellent. Chipper as can be. Especially when the sun kisses my skin and I’m free to design my day as I please. Ahhh, yes. More please!

I have a great feeling about this summer.

I’m going to immerse myself in plenty of activities. I’m also cutting down doing work that I don’t enjoy for money and focusing on what I do enjoy.

I acknowledge that moods are transient. Sometimes you just feel like shit and that’s fine.

I just gotta trust that everything will be okay. And I do. Despite the times doubt creeps in like a light flickered in the distance.

Then I shrug that shit off and keep it moving.

Faith. Hope. Ease. Flow.

Those are words I want to focus deeply on as my year unfolds.

 

Namaste 🙏🏼

Adjusting

It’s been over a month since I’ve had any income. Between my cross country move from NYC to Cali, rent, bills, and food expenses my wallet is starting to shrink.

I’ve gone on a handful of interviews, applied to literally over 100 jobs in a variety of fields, but haven’t actually landed anything. So as I leave yet another interview empty handed, with no job offer and without knowing when exactly my next paycheck will be, my spirit withers.

My mind begins to wander in darkness, spiraling through thoughts of “Maybe I’m not as good of a candidate I thought I was. Maybe I’m at the bottom of the barrel. There must be something wrong with me. Maybe I won’t make it out here, and this whole childish fantasy of mine was just a delusion – just a mistake.”
But as I walk through the streets of San Diego being kissed by the sun, hugged by the gentle breeze, and hypnotized by the sight of the calming palm trees, I’m reminded that I made the right choice even though right now I am not currently where I would like to be.
I remind myself that the journey itself is the destination. I remind myself to trust the process.

 

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There is no need to rush.
No need to fear.
No need to let anxiety or worry run the show.

 

I am choosing to remain in flow.
I am also accepting, digesting and processing the fact that worry, anxiety, stress and even depression are a natural response to not getting what I want, when I want, as I want. These are natural responses to being out of my comfort zone. This is okay to feel. But I am also releasing these emotions as they come up because I am actively choosing to have faith despite of the facts.

I am breathing in flow energy and breathing out resistance. I am choosing hope over fear. I am choosing trust over anxiety. I am choosing calm over stress. I am choosing joy over depression.
I am choosing to enjoy the unfolding. I’m not taking life so seriously, and am choosing to have fun as I move through this period of adjustment in my life.
This is not always easy to do.
I’ve sat alone and cried, thinking “I have no strength. I can’t do this.” I’ve had a day where I didn’t want to get up from bed because I didn’t want to go on another interview to try to convince someone of my worth and why they should hire me. I didn’t want to put another fake smile on my face. Didn’t want to get dressed. Didn’t want to socialize with anyone.
So I gave myself permission to go through my emotions. To accept, love and honor myself in this process. To comfort myself and just say, “Hey, girl, what you’re feeling is totally okay. You’re going through a challenge right now. Who wants to smile and dance when they experience rejection on top of rejection? It’s okay to feel like this. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Be human. Be wildly human.”
Pep talks help.
Texting my woes to friends who encourage me help.Then getting up the next day, remembering that, “Oh, I’m actually a badass, go getter, New York City bitch and a beloved daughter of this universe,” gives me the fuel to keep pushing forward. To keep having faith. To trust the process.

So I breathe. Roll up my sleeves and keep moving.

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