disillusion

Where do I start? Do I tell you about my gripes with unhinged capitalism? The passage of time? Or the general news of my aching heart?

“Where to from here?”

This is the question that keeps spinning in my mind like a vinyl record. Among several others.

I feel too much. Think too much. Do just enough. Or perhaps too much of the wrong thing, I can’t tell.

I am fighting with myself 24/7.

Mostly, I feel anger, dread and sadness lately.

So I started taking Saffron. Apparently they say it’s meant to help with mood. I could feel it sort of working, or perhaps it’s the placebo affect. I feel this sort of synthetic happiness. Like I can tell I am elevating a little but underneath is still this sort of polluted river.

I think I need to prioritize more of me. Stop getting back into cycles where I fall for a man and end up broken in the end. I’m over that circus.

Today I felt okay being alone. Trying to hold strong and not respond to my ex. Not go back to the past and focus on the future.

Anyway, the world feels cooked.

I refuse to stay quiet about it. I am not going to sit here while prices keep going up without pushing back on this nonsense. Is the answer to push back or elevate myself and others? What does that even mean? I don’t know.

What does it mean to elevate anyway? I don’t know.

A part of me is growing weary.

The other part is stubborn and refuses to give up hope.

I sort of feel like a Billie Eilish song and spirit. Just sort of… dead but alive.

—

Right now I stopped looking for romance. I feel closed off to it. Like I will cut a mother fucker who tries to get close to me. Never thought I’d get this closed.

Anyway, nothing too grand to share here today. No poetics. No magic. No fluff.

If this post could taste like something it would probably be a straight shot of whiskey.

I was so excited at first.
Thought I found it. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Turns out it was a rusty can of disappointment.

Do I blame myself for jumping the gun?

Or do I simply appreciate those magical moments for what they simply were —moments?

I’ll probably do a little bit of both, but more of the latter.

Like, “Here you go again, ya big goof — letting your heart run a little too wild, a little too fast.”

So I sit here puzzled.

Damn.

Really?

That was just a bunch of bullshit?

Why, Universe? Why?

What was all this clever synchronicity you placed perfectly in my path about? What was I supposed to learn?

Because frankly, I’m baffled.

What do I keep doing wrong?

Being an idiot? Because right now I feel like I’m on a journey to stop being an idiot.

How many times am I going to fall into the arms of dissapointment?

I am a little upset. I am a little angry.

But I am also excited.

Excited to come back home to myself. Excited to go back to a place where I feel like I’m enough and don’t have to prove myself, my worth, or my value.

I can just be me again. And be okay with it.

Fuck you.

And it’s not even your fault, honestly. At least not fully.

I’m the goddam idiot.

I’m also not trying to beat on myself – but simply acknowledge that at times I really am stupid. Stupid for second guessing myself. For being too nice. For hiding. For playing small.

*breathes*

On a side note…

Sometimes I wish I could just have a normal conversation… I mean, I can for a bit – but I can’t sustain it.

I can only talk about the weather and why the Mets are sucking again this year for so long.

I wanna talk about why I am here and what’s the meaning of all this. I want to talk about purpose. Self-improvement. Growth. Growth. Growth.

I can philosophize for days. Until my head wants to explode. And then I’ll binge watch Family Guy and talk about the weather again.

Whatever.

I’m in one of those moods.

Complaining to you as always. Bringing you my tales of woe. My bullshit. My nonsense.

I’m human too.

Tag

disillusion

Ramblings…

Dissapointment