I was so excited at first.
Thought I found it. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Turns out it was a rusty can of disappointment.
Do I blame myself for jumping the gun?
Or do I simply appreciate those magical moments for what they simply were —moments?
I’ll probably do a little bit of both, but more of the latter.
Like, “Here you go again, ya big goof — letting your heart run a little too wild, a little too fast.”
So I sit here puzzled.
That was just a bunch of bullshit?
Why, Universe? Why?
What was all this clever synchronicity you placed perfectly in my path about? What was I supposed to learn?
Because frankly, I’m baffled.
What do I keep doing wrong?
Being an idiot? Because right now I feel like I’m on a journey to stop being an idiot.
How many times am I going to fall into the arms of dissapointment?
I am a little upset. I am a little angry.
But I am also excited.
Excited to come back home to myself. Excited to go back to a place where I feel like I’m enough and don’t have to prove myself, my worth, or my value.
I can just be me again. And be okay with it.
And it’s not even your fault, honestly. At least not fully.
I’m the goddam idiot.
I’m also not trying to beat on myself – but simply acknowledge that at times I really am stupid. Stupid for second guessing myself. For being too nice. For hiding. For playing small.
On a side note…
Sometimes I wish I could just have a normal conversation… I mean, I can for a bit – but I can’t sustain it.
I can only talk about the weather and why the Mets are sucking again this year for so long.
I wanna talk about why I am here and what’s the meaning of all this. I want to talk about purpose. Self-improvement. Growth. Growth. Growth.
I can philosophize for days. Until my head wants to explode. And then I’ll binge watch Family Guy and talk about the weather again.
I’m in one of those moods.
Complaining to you as always. Bringing you my tales of woe. My bullshit. My nonsense.
I’m human too.