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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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dissapointment

Dissapointment

I was so excited at first.
Thought I found it. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Turns out it was a rusty can of disappointment.

Do I blame myself for jumping the gun?

Or do I simply appreciate those magical moments for what they simply were —moments?

I’ll probably do a little bit of both, but more of the latter.

Like, “Here you go again, ya big goof — letting your heart run a little too wild, a little too fast.”

So I sit here puzzled.

Damn.

Really?

That was just a bunch of bullshit?

Why, Universe? Why?

What was all this clever synchronicity you placed perfectly in my path about? What was I supposed to learn?

Because frankly, I’m baffled.

What do I keep doing wrong?

Being an idiot? Because right now I feel like I’m on a journey to stop being an idiot.

How many times am I going to fall into the arms of dissapointment?

I am a little upset. I am a little angry.

But I am also excited.

Excited to come back home to myself. Excited to go back to a place where I feel like I’m enough and don’t have to prove myself, my worth, or my value.

I can just be me again. And be okay with it.

Fuck you.

And it’s not even your fault, honestly. At least not fully.

I’m the goddam idiot.

I’m also not trying to beat on myself – but simply acknowledge that at times I really am stupid. Stupid for second guessing myself. For being too nice. For hiding. For playing small.

*breathes*

 

On a side note…

Sometimes I wish I could just have a normal conversation… I mean, I can for a bit – but I can’t sustain it.

I can only talk about the weather and why the Mets are sucking again this year for so long.

I wanna talk about why I am here and what’s the meaning of all this. I want to talk about purpose. Self-improvement. Growth. Growth. Growth.

I can philosophize for days. Until my head wants to explode. And then I’ll binge watch Family Guy and talk about the weather again.

 

Whatever.

 

I’m in one of those moods.

Complaining to you as always. Bringing you my tales of woe. My bullshit. My nonsense.

I’m human too.

 

Reflections On Trust

What would it take to get you to trust? To let go? To believe that you are supported by universal flow? That every little thing that has ever happened to you whether labeled “good” or “bad” served a purpose?

I’ve been asking to learn to trust.

But I think it’s easier for me than some.

My cross doesn’t seem too heavy compared to others.

There are people going through extreme hardship. Their basic needs are being threatened while I’m over here privileged to be complaining about the pimple on my cheek that threatens my self-esteem as I eat peanut butter spread on a rice cracker. Ya feel me? 

What about them? 

Do they have the right to say: 

“How could I trust when the medical report shows I’m stuck with this disease for the rest of my life?”

“How could I trust when I lost my home and my family?”

“How could I trust when I have no food to eat?”


Hm…

Let’s talk about resistance for a moment.

Reality is.
Whatever is, is. 
“It is what it is” as they say.

In every moment we have a choice.
We can resit the present moment. We could fight against what is by choosing to stay angry, upset, blaming the world, and festering in the dissatisfaction of the hand that was dealt to us.

Or we can choose not to resist. We can choose to remain in trust that despite the deeply shitty shit that is happening in our life it serves a purpose and we CAN withstand, learn, grow, manage and overcome it.

Hm…

But still,
I wonder about the people who just aren’t even aware they have that kind of power.
They are caught up in the struggle for their basic needs and ain’t got time to be talking philosophically about trust and all that airy-fairy, let’s hold hands and have faith type thing.

Perhaps, then, it is our duty to help shed that light. “Our” meaning we, the stronger ones. Perhaps it is our duty to help the weaker. To extend our hand and pull these people up from the ground. But not as so to enable but to support and enlighten so that they can have the foundation and tools to awaken to their power and come in to trust.

      
  

To F*ckboys

Fuck you.
Fuck you for doing the samba all over my heart.
For making me think this meant more on your part.
For lying and playing games with my mind.
For taking for granted my kindness, my time.
For making me second guess my own worth,
Every time your call never arrived,
Every time your love was denied.

But I blame myself too.
Because it always takes two.
And I was a fool. Blinded by infatuation.
Making excuses against my intuition.
Jumping through hoops just for a crumb,
Texting you first though it made me feel dumb.
Clinging on to false hope,
Addicted, and you were the dope.
I betrayed my own self just to give you a chance,
And you stomped on my heart with your samba dance.

So Fuck you.
Fuck you, Fuckboy.

You don’t deserve my attention.
I’ve placed you in eternal detention.
I’ve learned to put myself first.
I don’t care if you’re dying of thirst.
I’m moving on now.
I’m better off now.
And I’ve learned my lesson.

*image credit to thatonerule.com

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