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emotional pain

Rocked

The moon is looking beautiful out tonight. It makes me think of you. It makes me think of music, the desert, charcuterie board with red wine and holding you close.

Damn, this year got me rocked.

After the suicide of two people I loved, I’m shook.

This life is temporary. What’s worse is that there are people suffering to varying degrees on this planet.

WTF is going on? What are we doing to one another? Why are homes hundreds of thousands of dollars? Why are we making it so stressful when we could be making it so beautiful, peaceful, incredible instead?

HEAVEN ON EARTH.

This idea of being a New Earth Leader keeps swirling in my mind.
WTF does that even mean?

It just means being a good fucking human who cares about the planet and the others in it to give it you plain and short.

We should be tending to the land. The land is our home. Since when do we charge for what is our birth right?

Why are we putting a price tag on what is already given to us freely by mama Earth?


I’m livid bro.

What’s fucking worse is the ripple effect of our shitty consciousness.

Young girls made to feel like their bodies are not good enough, leading to eating disorders, body dysmorphia, cutting behaviors and suicide.

I’m pissed.

WTF is going on? What are we doing to one another?

Borrow money from banks to go to college. To get a job to pay for the money you borrowed. To borrow to buy a car to drive to the job, you’re in debt to get. To borrow to buy a home and be a slave for 30 years to pay that mortgage. Debt on debt on debt on debt.

The money circulates between the banks. It just goes from Chase to Chase when you swipe at the grocery store and the clerk receives the transaction to their bank.

What is this game we’re playing?

Is this really the vision guys?

There is a lot to be grateful for. There is a lot that is working. There is a lot that is good. There is a lot that is truly amazing, beautiful and we should be so proud of.

And there is also so much we need to look at, revise and improve. A lot to take accountability for. A lot of shit to fix. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

Anyway. I don’t wanna overwhelm you with my nonsense and endless complaints.

On another note…

Reality is so interesting to me.

I’ve been so on the fence lately about magic, miracles, quantum energy, manifestation and all inexplicable matters that evoke a sense of “there is more here than meets the eye” type vibe.
But then coincidences and synchronicities happen that you can’t help but suspect “divine intervention” is happening or that perhaps God is listening after all.

I don’t know. I’m lost.

My heart hurts deeply sometimes. It’s actually been beating irregular lately too. I saw a doctor about it. I’ve had a few moments where it was hard to breathe for like 3 seconds.

I’m also counseling people in a mental health setting.

I’m also trying to find my ultimate purpose. And figure my shit out as always.

Gahhh…..

There is so much I wish to say and pour out. I wish I could hug every human, myself included and just send everyone a deep message of hope, love, and courage. To assure myself and everyone else that it’s ok and will be ok always. I really wish I could.

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay it’s not the end.”


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Hold

Hold yourself during those moments where no one else is available to

Sit with yourself and breathe
just breathe

Hold yourself when it feels like everything is falling apart
Hold yourself when it feels like you can’t see the way forward

Feelings aren’t facts, they come and go

Remember you are your guarantee

All things will come and go
All things will pass

You will be the one who stays

What is yours will be yours
albeit temporary


B R E A T H E

Your breath is with you


You can connect to it when you feel alone
When you feel unstable

You are with you
You are enough

What is meant to be will be

You don’t have to force anything or anyone to stay, what is meant to stay will stay
and when it is time for it to go, it will go

Allow the flow
Hold yourself when it feels like there is no one else

You are there
and you are enough

You are not less worthy because something or someone exists your space

You are whole
You are there

Hold yourself
Hold yourself tightly
Give yourself the love you are wishing from another

You can fill yourself up with love
Your love

You are the guarantee
Through the ups, downs, good, bad, in betweens

You are there
Hold yourself in these tender moments



B R E A T H E

DEEP B R E A T H

You are okay
and will be okay

Hold yourself
You are enough
You are complete

The external stuff is in constant motion, the external will change
But you will be there through all of this

Hold yourself through the change

Hold yourself with grace
Hold yourself with compassion
Be there
Present
Holding you

Hold

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Human

I woke up from my sleep and now I’m in tears

I had no intention to write here

but the idea and inspiration came over me

“Do it later. Tomorrow. Why now?” My mind chimed in,

yet my body drove itself to the phone, carried itself to the couch and here I am. Tears on my face. Lights off. Room lit by a salt lamp and the light emanating from my phone.

Who am I? What am I doing here? What is this experience? Why?

I am wildly human

and sometimes it really saddens me

I see myself in my imperfection

in my humanity

with my needs, wants, expectations

Sometimes I observe myself in action, in my humanity

wanting recognition

thinking I’m better than, thinking I’m less than- thinking this, thinking that — so many thoughts swirling through my head

some days I want to give up

on life, on myself, on the work I do, on everything

and nothing makes me more sad than that part of my truth. That I could get to a point of feeling so broken that it leaves me feeling with a lack of desire for life

I get tired of my own humanity

and I get tired of the humanity of others

I get tired of my experience, because something feels off about it sometimes

I get to these moments where I lose hope for our species. I let the fear, worry, doubt, dissatisfaction win

but it’s for a moment, it’s not all of me

I see the suffering in the world and I want to fix it

I see my own suffering and I want to fix it

what do I have to complain about? I have food in the fridge, a bed to lay in, electricity, heated water that is flowing through pipes that I can turn on in an instant to bathe in. I have clothes, shoes, plants, books, electronics, access to internet, diplomas, a beach less than a mile away.

Yet somehow I still find something to complain about

Sigh… my humanity 😦

I’m sad.

I’m sad for all the people who are struggling. I am sad for all the times I have struggled.

Sometimes I think there is a God. A good God. A kind of God, life, reality and realm where everything truly is perfect. Beautiful, whole, complete and there is no fear— no judgment. No worries. Nothing to do, be, get. Pure bliss. Joy. Rest.
And that perhaps that is the truth of where it’s all at. And that right now we are just having a temporary experience. To learn and to grow. But that in the end we are all safe. We are all okay. Everything is okay. Everyone and everything is good and safe.

Sometimes it’s hard to neglect that there is something truly beautiful happening here. When I observe the perfection of a leaf. The perfection of our bodies — so well designed. The variety of creatures on Earth — each designed so intricately. Everything designed with such precision, mastery, art.

I look around and I see everything that is already working, and I can’t help but be in awe. In gratitude.

At times I feel as if I have no choice but to surrender. To have faith.

Who am I really to even do anything about anything? Sometimes I wonder that too…

Who am I not to?

I can’t let the negative voice win

It’s a constant battle

to get to the light…

I have to keep believing that despite my humanity, despite my flaws, there is something greater orchestrating our world for good

or at least that’s my hope that it ultimately is for good

Ahhhh I don’t wanna ramble your ear off anymore, or your eyes since you’re reading this

Some days I lose hope

but for the most part I believe

I believe and I trust

and I hope that if I do my part, try my best, do my best, give my best and keep hoping for the best — maybe it will be enough

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Hurt

I’ve been so hurt before.

And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”

I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”

Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”

I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.

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Let Go of The Outcome

“The root of suffering is attachment.” – Buddha

I resonate with the above quote.
When I cling to people, places, material possessions, status, you name it, whenever the target of my clinging is threatened – I experience emotional pain – a.k.a “suffering.”

Sometimes that emotional pain is also linked to physical responses in my body. My heart beats fast, my stomach sinks, I feel nauseous, my temperature rises, I cry, I curl into a little ball in a stew of emotions.

I experience this roller coaster of symptoms when I lose.
When I lose that which I have become attached to.
Sometimes it even happens when I imagine loss. Or perceive loss.

The guy I have been dating is showing up online on a dating site.
So what does my heart do?
It tightens.
What does my mind do?
It races.

“Oh. I guess he’s still searching. I guess I haven’t made a big enough impression to get him to stop seeking. I guess he’s not that into me. I guess I’m not enough for him. Maybe he’ll meet someone else he’ll find more interesting and move on happily while I’ll be back to square one.”

Attachment. Fear based thoughts.

But what if I let go of the outcome? What if I pull back and re-frame my response?

Truth is – nothing belongs to me. Nothing is mine. I simply get to share temporary experiences in a fleeting, changing environment that I do not and cannot possess. Yet in an attempt to hold on, to keep for longer, to experience more of – I attach.

I say, “I want you.”
I say, “Be mine.”
I say, “Don’t leave.”
I say, “I don’t want to let go.”
I say “I don’t want to say good bye.”

And when I do this, I hurt. Because I am trying to hold onto what time is literally ripping out of my tiny little hands.

see-them-floundering

So then what is the way to relieve this?

Non-attachment. Letting go. Release the hold.

No attachment to the outcome.
No fear of letting go.
Pure surrender.

Does that mean that I don’t love? That I don’t care? That I don’t experience fully? No. Quite the opposite.

Every moment becomes extremely meaningful, because every moment is unique, special, fleeting, and forever elusive.

Through non-attachment every moment becomes lighter because it can pass through you without getting stuck. It can just come and go and there is no fighting to keep it, no fighting to get more of it, no fighting for its return. Everything can just be.

It can come and it can go.

And when it comes – what a joy to have it.
When it goes [breathes out]  what a joy to see it go.

This is true freedom.

*image credit to realbuddhaquotes.com

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