I woke up from my sleep and now I’m in tears

I had no intention to write here

but the idea and inspiration came over me

“Do it later. Tomorrow. Why now?” My mind chimed in,

yet my body drove itself to the phone, carried itself to the couch and here I am. Tears on my face. Lights off. Room lit by a salt lamp and the light emanating from my phone.

Who am I? What am I doing here? What is this experience? Why?

I am wildly human

and sometimes it really saddens me

I see myself in my imperfection

in my humanity

with my needs, wants, expectations

Sometimes I observe myself in action, in my humanity

wanting recognition

thinking I’m better than, thinking I’m less than- thinking this, thinking that — so many thoughts swirling through my head

some days I want to give up

on life, on myself, on the work I do, on everything

and nothing makes me more sad than that part of my truth. That I could get to a point of feeling so broken that it leaves me feeling with a lack of desire for life

I get tired of my own humanity

and I get tired of the humanity of others

I get tired of my experience, because something feels off about it sometimes

I get to these moments where I lose hope for our species. I let the fear, worry, doubt, dissatisfaction win

but it’s for a moment, it’s not all of me

I see the suffering in the world and I want to fix it

I see my own suffering and I want to fix it

what do I have to complain about? I have food in the fridge, a bed to lay in, electricity, heated water that is flowing through pipes that I can turn on in an instant to bathe in. I have clothes, shoes, plants, books, electronics, access to internet, diplomas, a beach less than a mile away.

Yet somehow I still find something to complain about

Sigh… my humanity 😦

I’m sad.

I’m sad for all the people who are struggling. I am sad for all the times I have struggled.

Sometimes I think there is a God. A good God. A kind of God, life, reality and realm where everything truly is perfect. Beautiful, whole, complete and there is no fear— no judgment. No worries. Nothing to do, be, get. Pure bliss. Joy. Rest.
And that perhaps that is the truth of where it’s all at. And that right now we are just having a temporary experience. To learn and to grow. But that in the end we are all safe. We are all okay. Everything is okay. Everyone and everything is good and safe.

Sometimes it’s hard to neglect that there is something truly beautiful happening here. When I observe the perfection of a leaf. The perfection of our bodies — so well designed. The variety of creatures on Earth — each designed so intricately. Everything designed with such precision, mastery, art.

I look around and I see everything that is already working, and I can’t help but be in awe. In gratitude.

At times I feel as if I have no choice but to surrender. To have faith.

Who am I really to even do anything about anything? Sometimes I wonder that too…

Who am I not to?

I can’t let the negative voice win

It’s a constant battle

to get to the light…

I have to keep believing that despite my humanity, despite my flaws, there is something greater orchestrating our world for good

or at least that’s my hope that it ultimately is for good

Ahhhh I don’t wanna ramble your ear off anymore, or your eyes since you’re reading this

Some days I lose hope

but for the most part I believe

I believe and I trust

and I hope that if I do my part, try my best, do my best, give my best and keep hoping for the best — maybe it will be enough