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without

I suppose I’ll have to learn to live without you

No matter what, life goes on. It’s a cold reality.

This week I was walking the beach boardwalk and I felt like I was observing the moment outside of myself from above like a drone. I could see the passage of time. Everything and everyone moving on, living their life as if I wasn’t even here. Forgotten. Never known.

It made me think of the people I lost this year. My best friend, now a widow, slowly moving forward. Life must go on.

It’s been 6 days of silence between my partner and I. From “I love you” and exploring the world together to distance and silence. As if we just came and went.

I’m taking a deep breath as I write this and reflect on the coming together and falling apart. The ebb and flow. The circle of life.

I’m in the middle of nowhere on a planet that’s been flicked into space. Wow. What do I really know? A mere evolved ape. Or perhaps something other. Here for a little while. What do I make of it?

I don’t know. Try my best and surrender the rest is what I’m left with.

Pick myself up and move through life without you.

Life is bittersweet.
It’s both good and bad. And all else in between.

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Endings

There is something so deeply poetic about endings.

Life is constantly in the process of moving, from one moment to the next.

The moment you started reading this is already over, you are now getting to the middle and now the end of this sentence.

It’s all evaporating. Morphing. Changing.
Everything changes.
And what hurts is that sometimes we wish it wouldn’t.
We wish we didn’t have to say good bye to the people and places we love because letting go of something we hold dear is painful.

There is something so deeply painful about going through the loss of what we love.
The loss of a lover, a friend, a parent, our youth.

There is something so bittersweet about this aspect of change. Change is what allows us to experience. To grow. To move through time.

Sometimes it means moving closer to the people and things we want, while other times moving further and further away.

The pain of a breakup feels like the soul is being ripped apart.
The pain of detaching. Healing. It hurts so profoundly.

Wounds can be complex in nature. They have dimension. They can bring both wisdom, sadness, fondness, appreciation, regret. Some wounds are like a soup carrying a mixture of flavors and many ingredients.

It’s so hard to say good bye sometimes.
Yet it’s these very endings that clear the same for the new. For rebirth. For transformation. We must let go of what is in order to step into what is becoming and what will be. It’s the endings that will make way for your greatest joys. For fresh energy to enter your life and new wisdom to be gained.
Until it’s time to say good bye to that too at some point. A new ending from another beginning.

Gahhhh.

I like to think of enduring endings the way you would a tattoo. They’re painful, but you just sit there and take the pain. Sometimes that’s all we can do. Is sit and take the pain. To fully sink into it and feel it. To embrace the shadow, the dark, the hurt, the loss, the sickness, the breakdown, the storm. To look it all in the face and simply endure. Simply be with it. Simply accept that it hurts and that all we can do in this moment is feel the pain. There is no where to go or hide. The only place is here and now and this pain.

Oof.

Boy, I tell ya. This life. It’s a sick, wild, beautiful, wonderful, sad, bittersweet piece of art.


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Slippin’

Today I’ve been reflecting on the passage of time.

How time just keeps on slippin’

Tick tock tick tock

and pretty soon we have to let go…

~.~

I’ve been pet sitting as a side hustle
and I had a dog with me for the last 5 days who I grew to really care for
He was so sweet, obedient, and loving.

During our last hour together I kept looking at him and I felt sadness in my heart.
As we played tug of war all I could think of is that in less than an hour I would be saying good bye

he would go back home to his owner… and that would be it.

The fact I knew that pretty soon I would have to say good bye – boy, it hit me.
Because we can really take for granted the time we’ve been given here on Earth. Our time is limited and each second passing means we are closer to expiration.

We never really know when we will say good bye to the people and things we love most,

it literally could be any moment.

This made me think of the importance of cherishing the good moments of this life and to make it a priority to seek more of the good, because what better else could we be doing with our limited time?

Waste it away in an office working 9-5 doing work we aren’t passionate about? No thanks.

When we realize our time is something we can’t ever get back we start getting picky about it
We won’t just say “yes” to random invitations that serve no good purpose in our lives
We won’t accept getting paid less than we deserve

We won’t waste time doing things that don’t fulfill us

because time is limited
and the sooner we understand that

the sooner we can start valuing and prioritizing what we believe is important

Time is slippin’

tick tock tick tock tick tock….

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Laundry

Every now and then I think of you

like today when I got a whiff of the way your laundry smelled

not all laundry smells the same
yours always smelled distinctly good…

Sometimes the memories just pop back up

Your tall ceilings
drinking morning coffee while we sun bathed in your yard
tender moments in the shower
your cool red lamp and the smell of palo santo
the depth of your soul
the width of your mind
playing music in your office room
playing cards
your laugh that didn’t happen all that easily so when it did it was extra special
exploring consciousness
dropping into the body in ways I hadn’t done before
your exquisite home cooked meals
talented creations & artistry
your amazing dog
and comfortable, lux sofa.

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me too.
If so, when?

When you’re lonely and wish you hadn’t let me go?
When you’re having so much fun that you’re glad you let me go?
In passing?

Not like it even matters.

I hope you’re happy now


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Sad

You have every right to be sad

About the love that didn’t work

About your career moving so slow

about the tragedies in the world

about the sickness

about your team losing

about the family member who died

about your hair thinning and the cavity on your tooth

about the fact that you are aging and losing your youthful look

about the fact that at the end of the day we all just end up dead

That is the story

the truth is, that despite life’s many beauties, love and wonders — the story of life, is actually one that does not have a happy ending 😦

It’s sad

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Let Go

We have to learn to let go

Things come to an end,
they change

and yes it’s going to hurt

I think about it almost like a piercing…
It hurts in the moment
and through the healing process

but eventually it heals… and just becomes part of your story

You can’t be so attached to things that you don’t know how to be content on your own

Things come and go

and eventually you die — which is the big LET GO…

so don’t be shocked when things end

learn to adapt

learn to let go

(or invent a time machine so you can always go back in time)….

but until then

learn to accept that you don’t control when someone chooses to walk away

or when things come to an end

that’s the process

and that’s okay

let go

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things end

things come to an end
and the sooner we come to accept it
the easier it will be to process the pain


i was in the desert some month ago
and there was a moment when i laid on the sandy, rocky ground
silence…
sun beaming on my skin
for a moment i disassociated from my body
i was in it but i wasn’t connecting to it
focused on my breath, i bled into the moment
i could hear flies buzzing, bzzzzzzz, feel them landing on my skin
for a moment i felt like a corpse
just there to be eaten up by time
and then it dawned on me
“if you were dead right now, what difference would it really make?
life will just keep going…
and everything will just keep going…”



here’s the thing…
one day everyone and everything you know will come to an end
you will die, i will die, and everything will pass away

expect it
embrace it
so it doesn’t come to you as a shock

life is impermanent and everything is passing

so when your favorite yellow mug breaks into pieces, accept it
when your partner walks away, accept it
when your hairline recedes, accept it
when they fire you from your job, accept it
when your dad passes away, accept it
when your car breaks down, accept it
when your skin sags, accept it
when everything falls apart, accept it

now, accepting it doesn’t mean you are passive.
it doesn’t mean you do nothing about it

it just means you don’t fight the facts on the journey to manage and cope with the facts

you don’t resist or deny reality
you embrace it
and from that place of acceptance, you take aligned action and response

or idk
maybe you throw a tantrum like a brat
fuck it
either way it doesn’t matter

choice is yours

anyway…i probably have no idea what i’m saying
also… do you notice the gen z influence over me?
i write in low caps now (lol)

i’ve had so many new reflections i wanna share with you
i also wanna revamp this website a little,
especially the “pic me ups” section of it

anyway… i won’t fill your head with nonsense any further for today

the end


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Endings

Everything comes to an end. Everything.

It’s all temporary.

And learning to manage all these changes is a bitch. No sooner do we form an attachment do we have to let go.

Let go of friendships. Places. People. Status. Things. Youth. Life itself.

Sometimes we never know when the end will come. It happens abruptly. Other times it’s a slow fade.

But either way it is enevitable.

I’m bringing this to awareness not so much to sulk about change, loss and endings but more so to learn to truly appreciate every moment.

To learn to build maturity around attachment. To learn to have healthy coping mechanisms around endings. To learn to freely let go without a fight, without scrambling to hold on.

Every moment is anew, nothing is ever the same. Everything is change and I accept it with love.

 

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