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Exist

“This world is full of shit, you live and then you don’t exist”
https://soundcloud.com/spacejesus/exist-feat-shape


There’s this battle going on inside me
There’s this version of me that is trying to birth to life

She is such a badass leader
She speaks her mind
She claims what she wants
She inspires the world
She says it like it is
She calls out the bullshit
She leads for the good of the people
For protection of the land
For nature
For peace
For love
For joy
For abundance
For freedom
For health

She reminds you of your calling
She calls you out when you’re playing small
She pulls the small out of you and helps you see your BIGNESS
Your power
Your worth
Your potential

She isn’t afraid to fully express herself
To learn, to be willing to listen and admit where she is wrong
To confess when she fails and errs
To apologize for her humanity and do better next time and mean it
To come back stronger
To be kind

and then…

There is another version that is like, why do you even want to do that for?
Can’t you just be a normal person?
No one cares anyway

Just be normal and live a normal life and stop with this dilusion

What is it all for anyway?
Plus, why do you have to be so intense?
Why can’t you just do and be something simple?
Why does it have to be this grandiose thing?
Why does it have to be some life altering purpose, rather than some simple basic thing?

It won’t even matter in the end anyway.
——————————————
I don’t know, even writing this feels stupid.
_____________________________________

We exist.

What is it all for?

What are we doing here?

Some days I get tired of it all.
I get lost in it all.

I just want a simple life and for things to be good. Why is it so complicated to just live simply and in peace, health and joy? To have a good time and enjoy this experience.

Don’t you want the same?

Then why don’t we come together to create it.

——–

Perhaps it’s all to do with the inside rather than out.

But no… it’s kinda both.

You gotta have both.

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Movement

Everything is moving. Always.

I’ve arrived at this interesting realization that no matter what I do or don’t do there is a greater force operating on me that wouldn’t allow me (even if I wanted) to just be still. To not have to move forward with time.

It appears that life goes on no matter what.

It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do because life will go on.

Of course it matters in the sense that depending on what I do or don’t do the quality of my experience will vary. Like if I choose to sell all my posessions and go live on the beach as a bum or if I choose to work a corporate job in New York City the quality of my experiences will surely be different. But removing this aspect of quality aside, what I’ve noticed is that even if choose to do nothing – meaning, I sit in a corner and I simply allow time to make choices for me then I will enevitably keep moving.

The best way for me to describe this is comparing it to the game of Sims. Have you ever played it?

Well. In the game, if you don’t actively make choices for your sims they will go on auto pilot doing their own actions. You must actively take control and direct their actions to control them. Sometimes my Sim might want to cook but I think it should go learn the piano instead. So I must actively cancel out their choice and direct them towards the piano. If I don’t actively make them do what I want they’ll just auto pilot their way through time.

In some ways I feel like reality is like this. I am here. I exist. I notice there is a force acting on me that keeps moving me forward even if I don’t want to. I have choice. Or at least I think I do. (But this is also a subject to further discuss later). Through choice I can have some control over the quality of my experiences.

But the point that I’m really making is that it doesn’t fucking matter what I ultimately do because it appears that reality is embedded with a formula that figures itself out.

In other words, even if I don’t know what to do in this moment, it doesn’t matter because the formula of time is going to figure it out for me. Time is going to push me forward whether I know what to do next or not. There is something operating within reality that is already deciding what’s going to be next even if I don’t know what’s next.

How much influence and power do I really have over my future? Over my destiny?

What the fuck is destiny anyway?

I can tell you what I want.

I want to feel good about myself. I want to own a home by the beach. I want to have a million dollars in my bank account. I want to be in love with you and have you be in love with me. I want to travel the world. I want there to be peace within me and in the world for those who choose it.

Is it going to happen? I don’t fucking know. But I want it to. I want to do my part in making it happen. But it’s not all me.

Also… getting to that moment is a journey. And it’s a silly ass fucking journey. Because you do alllllll this shit to get there only to have it all slip away.

We work so hard to build treasures and in the end we just die. In the end it all fades. And nothing lasts forever. Time takes it all away.

What bullshit.

So I guess the real way to live is not as so to acquire but perhaps to simply experience. Perhaps to simply enjoy the temporary ride.

 

Wack.

 

Okay. I’m being cynical.

But it’s kind of annoying to build it all to lose it all. Don’t you think?

0

Trust

What if I could wholeheartedly trust?

What if I didn’t have any doubt?

What if my trust was so great that it became synonymous with fact?

What if all I needed to do is be exactly as I am and do exactly as I do without being afraid? Without beating myself up?

What if the universe has me safe at all times? That even the dark, unsavory moments of my journey were all part of my learning plan.

What if I could just let go of trying to control all the details. What if I could just trust that the higher order of things is in alignment to my greatest good and I need not fight, squirm, or throw tantrums.

What if I could learn to just enjoy the journey. To not get so caught up in my inner struggle of “Why isn’t this happening sooner?”

If I could just breathe. Just breathe.

If I could stop rushing. Stop yearning. Stop chasing.

Why am I in such a hurry? Why am I trying to be at the destination already? Why can’t I just be okay with the process and not focus so much on the result?

If I could just be here now. If I could just learn to accept that not everything goes my way and that’s okay.

If I could master the art of simply existing.

If I could trust.

I want to trust.

0

No Attachment

I’ve been practicing this new way of being. I am not attaching to my thoughts as often as I used to be, especially not the negative ones.

My mind is usually going on and on about anything and everything. Analyzing, criticizing,  fantasizing all kinds of scenarios, breaking things apart, putting them back together, accessing memories from years back and entertaining ideas about their meanings, projecting myself into the future, rubik’s cubing all the possible scenarios to manipulate outcomes, interpreting external cues and data, attempting to make sense of it all, wondering if I’m being perceived okay and if I fit in or not, worrying about rejection and doom, catastrophizing, rationalizing, compartimentalizing, all over the placealizing, and boy, let me tell you, it’s exhausting!!!

And: #ain’tnobodygotimefordat

I have to LET THIS WAY OF BEING GO!

I don’t live in real time when I live like this. I live in the mind. Lost in a story. Lost in thoughts that are usually negative.

No. No. No. No more!

I want to simply exist. Let whatever thoughts cross my mind but not latch on to them like they’re reality. They’re just thoughts. They are NOT TRUTH.

I don’t have to entertain whatever chatter pops up in my head. Ideas have no power over me unless I start to entertain, accept, attach and believe them. Fuck that noise.

I want to live HERE and PRESENT. Not in some limiting bullshit ass story that is running in my mind.

Nope. Unsubscribe from that party!

——

I’m not yet fully versed in this new way of being yet, though. I’m a newbie at it.

But even as a newbie it’s helping me so much already. I am working on my mental health like I am working on my physical health. My mind is a muscle that I can train just like I can train my body. And I want to train it to serve me, rather than be a servant to it’s loose ramblings.

 

Wish me luck! And good luck to those of you out there practicing the same. You’re a badass and I love you!

❤️

 

1

Comfortable With Silence

It’s beautiful to stand here in this moment and simply exist with you. 
…
…
Why do we feel like we need to fill space with conversation all the time?
Quiet elevator rides aren’t awkward. They’re an opportunity for us to share a space and just exist without having to say anything.
Why can’t we just be in silence without feeling pressure to have a conversation?
Why can’t we just co-inhabit this space?
Silence isn’t awkward. It’s beautiful. And I don’t mind just sharing this space with you.
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Ecstasy

“Realize deeply that present moment is all you ever have.” -Eckhart Tolle 

I don’t want to get There only to miss the entire life I’ve neglected by being blindly consumed with the end rather than fully and profoundly immersed in the Moment.

I want to be wildly in love with the Moment.

My love will be so alive that I will be able to taste sounds and smell colors. I want every atom that composes my existence to connect with every atom that composes the rest of existence. Pure ecstasy. No fear. No shame. No foul, no harm. Just us. Absolute joy. Innocence. Truth.

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