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feelings

Ramblings…

“Experience life in all possible ways —
good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light,
summer-winter. Experience all the dualities.
Don’t be afraid of experience, because
the more experience you have, the more
mature you become.”
― Osho

Ramblings

What’s there to talk about? The same old thing, the same old stories.
It’s not really “old” though when I really think about it. Every moment is so unique, decorated in its own way, in its own flavor.

I feel like I am going in circles. Chasing something I can’t even describe.
There is this empty feeling I can’t seem to fill.
It isn’t always there, but it’s there, nonetheless.

I want to be happy. Don’t we all? But there are moments where I’m simply not.
Maybe I am ungrateful. And truth is, at times I really am.
I am over trying to cover up the dark side of my self.
Yes. I lie. I cheat. I envy. I hate. I get jealous. I have negative thoughts.
But that’s not all of who I am.
There’s that childish, innocent side. The side that dreams of love, rainbows and peace.
The side that sees no wrong.

There’s also the in between side. Which is a little of everything. That’s who I really am. All of me.

What’s the point of all this I keep asking myself?
What should I live for?
Do I live to chase money so I can buy houses and cars and clothes that leave an impression on people? Regardless of what I do I’ll leave an impression.
What kind of impression do I want to leave? And do I want to impress you or me or a balance of both?
What kind of person do I want to become? What kind of feelings and experiences do I want to be having? How do I even begin to learn what is truly important to me and how not to live to impress others?

I have a hard time answering these questions because I have a long list of “shoulds” implanted in my brain.

According to whose “shoulds” should I live?

I allow too many people to take space in my head and influence my decisions. I feed energy to too many stories.

I also change a lot which makes it hard to even decide on any one thing.
So I am trying to boil it down to experiences and feelings rather than particular details.

Here’s a list:
I want to experience and feel:
Happiness
Pleasure
Peace
Contentment
Confidence
Trust
Fulfillment
Relax
Laughter
Love
Kindness
Belonging
Creativity

Here are some experiences and feelings I want less of:
Fear
Anxiety
Doom
Panic
Hate
Envy
Pity
Lack
Depression
Loneliness
Rush
Confusion

There’s probably a few more I can add to both the lists but this seems enough for starters.

So now that I’ve narrowed what I want to experience and feel more of… how am I going to go about my life to embrace more of those wants?

Good question.

*image credit to google images

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When Inspiration Seems To Hide

I haven’t felt very inspired to write. At least not for your eyes and ears.
It’s like I’ve been cut off from grace.
Well. I am being extreme.
But that is certainly what it feels like.

I’ve been yearning for something I cannot name. Something I cannot describe. And every now and then I get a whiff of the emptiness that seems to follow me like a sticky shadow that never gives up.
I’ve come to understand this as part of my human experience.
I’ve come to learn that running away from my unpleasant feelings only creates more agony.
So now I sit with it.
I allow it to be.
I realize feelings come and go.
They are waves.
Sometimes they are up high. In the middle. Down low. Somewhere fluctuating between both extremes. All over. And that’s ok.

I am learning that there is greatness in simplicity.
There is joy in small moments. Like sitting here and writing this.
Or liking the way I look in my chestnut colored uggs and black leggings I cut into booty shorts.
Not everything needs to be some great accomplishment.
But it is great to be great as well.
And only time and continuous action will bring us there.

I am learning to play Kendama.
At first I sucked real bad. Now I suck a little less.
I can actually follow along ok.
This has taught me that the more you do something you know nothing of, the more you get better. And better. And better. And better. And better.
I’ve also learned it doesn’t have to be about being better all the time. Sometimes you just do it for fun. You just do it because you do it.

And so I write.

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Neither Here nor There

There is so much I wish to say, yet at the same time nothing at all.
I am in this strange, uncomfortable, awkward stage of being and becoming.
In the middle of limbo.

Parts of me feel numb. While others feel quite alive.

I feel like a very well seasoned soup.

Angry.
Sad.
Hurt.
Happy.
In love.
Confused.
Bored.
Conflicted.
Unhappy.
Wild.
Peaceful.
Scared.
Dissapointed.
Hopeful.

Everything all in one little bowl.

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In Love

I am in love.

With something? Someone? An idea?

I can’t quite put a finger on it.

All I know is that somewhere out there there is something that I deeply yearn for.

And don’t go telling me the “love yourself,” blah, blah, blah, story. I’ve loved myself for an eternity and have come to realize that my love is even greater when I share it.

Where are you? What are you? What is it?

 

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Tired of Being Tired

And then there are days when I am all too human. I fight with myself for being myself. For having feelings – not just the good ones.

I betray myself when I say yes to you and no to me.

I am tired of pretending for you.

Smiling at times when I really wanna frown. Or even playing neutral when I really wanna show you the finger.

I keep looking for some grand magical moment that is going to make it all clear to me. A spontaneous epiphany — the enlightenment that is going to 360 my life. A revolution so powerful where my purpose becomes clearer than day. Nothing gets in my way, especially not my own limited thinking. This hope keeps me believing that I’m actually here for a real reason.

And then I think I am kidding myself. Entertaining the romantic idea that somehow I’m special. That any moment now something spectacular is going to happen and all will be revealed to me and I’ll finally get it. I’ll laugh when I think back at the times I ever doubted.
But it’s bullshit.
I’m just here.
Sitting in an empty train making friends with my tears.

I’m tired of being everyone’s light.
I’m tired of being my own light.
I just wanna be who I am and say fuck it to those who don’t wanna partake.
I’m not all airy fairy all the time.
I’m just not.

I’m tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else. I’m tired of feeling like I even have to be perfect. And it’s not even perfect – it’s good enough.
Like I have to be just good enough to please you. Ugh. Fuck off.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder.

I am tired of being tired.

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Intuition

Every time I fail to acknowledge the hunch feeling that arises when my intuition speaks to me, I make choices that are not in alignment with my desired outcome.

Your intuition will not stir you wrong, so trust it when it speaks. It doesn’t matter what other people are saying contrary to your intuition – if you feel it – it’s true for you.

Listening to your intuition will help you when making small or big decisions. Something as small as “should I buy this outfit or not” can be clearly answered if only you allow yourself to listen to your hunch. Your internal guiding system will always stir you in the direction of your highest results because it wants to ensure your survival and simply because it serves you for your best. If you disregard the subtle signals that your body gives you to instruct you on your best path, you will make decisions that are contrary to the results you want. Listen to yourself and trust yourself. Your intuition is here to assist you and it will not sabotage you.

 

 

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Spectacles

It is interesting to note how your mood impacts your experience of life.
When I wake up and feel great everything around me appears brighter, happier, and wondrous. When I am in a funk, the world seems somber, heavy, and blah. Our moods are like spectacles that we wear. The external world will reflect back your projections depending on which particular spectacle you choose to wear. When you walk out into the world feeling low vibe, events in your life appear worse than they really are. You accidently spill some coffee on yourself and it’s like “FML! Bad things always happen to me.” Low moods make the external world look as if it’s purposely out to get ya. The world is not out to get you – it is only your glasses that make it seem that way.

Taking off your gloomy glasses can be like trying to remove that stubborn ink stain from your favorite white blouse. It’s not always so easy. But it can be done! If you’re riding a low vibe wave and your mood is doom and gloom, here are some tips:

1. Acknowledge and Accept
You don’t want to tell yourself “I shouldn’t feel down,” because doing so only builds on your already negative energy by way of denying your current feeling. You want to acknowledge and accept. Tell yourself, “Hey, I am feeling sad right now, and that’s okay. I am human and it’s okay to experience a variety of moods, including low moods.” The mere act of acknowledging your current mood and accepting it wholeheartedly puts yourself more at ease. Acceptance doesn’t make you feel bad for feeling bad.

2. Tiny Peaks
Tiny peaks will help you smoothly transition from low vibe to higher vibes. If you’re at one end of a road and you’re trying to get to the complete opposite side, unless you have some teleportation device you’re not going to be very successful at making such a huge leap in one step. Instead of telling yourself “I am low, I must be HIGH right NOW, BAM,” think about any one thing that makes you happy. Is it your pet? Is it video games? Is it mountains? Is it the smile of your child? Is it a yummy bowl of chili? (YES! CHILI!) Whatever it is for you – hold that thought in your mind. Holding a happy thought in your mind will not magically boost you from low to high vibe, but it will be a tiny peak closer. And this is what you want! To make small changes that will help raise your frequency and shift you closer to the mood you desire to experience.

3. Remind yourself: I have a choice
The glasses you wear is ultimately your choice, even if it doesn’t seem that way because of its powerful grip on you.  You are infinitely stronger and can always choose to wear a different pair of spectacles. If you’re feeling low, low, low, remind yourself over and over that you have the power to feel high, high, high no matter what. Here are some examples of reminders to tell yourself:
          “Even though I feel down right now, I choose to feel love. I choose to feel happy. I choose to
feel high on life. I choose to feel on top of the world. Even though I am broke and my finances
aren’t the best right now, I choose to feel abundant. I choose to feel rich. I choose to feel taken
care of. Even though I am angry, I choose to let go. I choose to feel calm. I choose to feel as light
as a feather. I choose to feel at peace with myself and others.”
You can add your own words: Even though I am (blank), I choose to feel (all kinds of awesome).

4. Nothing in this world is permanent
If all else fails, rest in this truth – moods come and go and this is natural. It is natural to ride the low waves and there is nothing wrong with you because of this – it only means you’re human. All of what you’re feeling, whether good or bad or in between will pass – I promise.

What spectacle are you wearing today? Is it one that makes you feel good or crappy? You have the power to change your glasses. Wear one that makes you feel FABULOUS, BABY!

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