And then there are days when I am all too human. I fight with myself for being myself. For having feelings – not just the good ones.
I betray myself when I say yes to you and no to me.
I am tired of pretending for you.
Smiling at times when I really wanna frown. Or even playing neutral when I really wanna show you the finger.
I keep looking for some grand magical moment that is going to make it all clear to me. A spontaneous epiphany — the enlightenment that is going to 360 my life. A revolution so powerful where my purpose becomes clearer than day. Nothing gets in my way, especially not my own limited thinking. This hope keeps me believing that I’m actually here for a real reason.
And then I think I am kidding myself. Entertaining the romantic idea that somehow I’m special. That any moment now something spectacular is going to happen and all will be revealed to me and I’ll finally get it. I’ll laugh when I think back at the times I ever doubted.
But it’s bullshit.
I’m just here.
Sitting in an empty train making friends with my tears.
I’m tired of being everyone’s light.
I’m tired of being my own light.
I just wanna be who I am and say fuck it to those who don’t wanna partake.
I’m not all airy fairy all the time.
I’m just not.
I’m tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else. I’m tired of feeling like I even have to be perfect. And it’s not even perfect – it’s good enough.
Like I have to be just good enough to please you. Ugh. Fuck off.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder.
I am tired of being tired.