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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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happy

Hurt

I’ve been so hurt before.

And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”

I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”

Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”

I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.

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Happy

I usually don’t write when I’m happy, (usually).

But the amount of joy I’m feeling right now is too big not to share.

I am so happy it scares me.

It scares me because there’s a doubt that creeps up and says “This is all too good to be true. This isn’t real life. This can’t possibly be real. I can’t possibly be truly happy. Any moment now some disaster is going to come. Something bad is going to happen. I’ll get sick. Or I’ll lose everything. He’ll leave. I’ll be miserable again. Always searching. Always looking but never arriving.”

I don’t want to believe those thoughts. But I also want to be a REALIST. Sickness DOES happen. People do LEAVE/DIE. Things do BREAK/END/CHANGE. Everything is always fucking changing and you can’t hold on to forever. That’s a fucking fact.

No sooner does the most beautiful sunset hypnotize your eyes as you hug the person you love underneath “the electric sky” surrounded by your favorite humans and your favorite music in an instant of perfection are you then back at your fucking desk at work crunching numbers and eventually unraveling to your death.

Does that sound gloomy? I don’t care. It’s fact. And whether we like it or not we gotta face it.

So…

Given the fact that shit’s constantly changing I am trying to prepare myself emotionally and mentally to deal with it so that when shit does hit the fan I’m ready with that pancho, umbrella and quarantine bubble.

 

What does that mean?

It means I’m trying to figure out a way to live life in such a way that I can ENJOY, EMBRACE, SAVOR, LOVE, EXPERIENCE every moment fully but also without the anxiety, fear, and worry that comes from my attachment to form.

I also want to believe that happiness is truly possible for me and that I CAN create a life I love and that I CAN love myself and have a beautiful, smooth, safe LIFE ride despite the bullshit, pain, and challenges that come my way.

With all that being said.

I am happy right now. And I want to see this dream I have in my head come true. And I want to be at peace.

Peace with myself. With you. The universe. and the world.

“To infinity and beyond.”

 

Mad extreme. I know.

Happiness is a Lifestyle

And then it dawned on me… happiness is more than just a feeling, it’s a lifestyle.

If you want to run a marathon, you have to train.
If you want to perform a song, you have to rehearse.
If you want to be physically fit, you have to exercise.
And if you want to be happy, you have to practice.

It is easy to be happy when life’s smooth sailing. When you get the promotion. You get the house. Your health is phenomenal. There is money in the bank and that new stock you just purchased skyrockets beyond belief. When you catch all the shiny green lights underneath a clear blue sky on your merry drive to work. When the bartender buys you an extra shot of whiskey. When your in-laws never make it to the Sunday brunch (just kidding with that one… haha).

But being happy only when unicorns are splashing magical pixie dust on your path is too conditional to yield lifelong sustainable happiness. Life can be a straight up asshole sometimes. This is why if you want to live consistently happy you must practice happiness as a lifestyle and not simply as an emotional response to desirable experiences. Happiness is a tool you can whip out of your pocket especially when circumstances are trying. It’s like that Optimus Prime type Swiss-army knife you’re gonna wanna carry around with you wherever you go. Because what happens when things don’t go exactly as planned? What happens when you don’t get the promotion? When your finances become unstable? When your health is compromised? When you have to change that flat tire in the middle of a snow storm? When the in-laws actually make it to Sunday brunch!?  (Yeah. I went there!).

I’ll tell you what happens. Happiness often gets thrown out the window.  It gets donated to the nearest Goodwill along with those purple suede bell bottom jeans you have no idea what possessed you to buy in the first place! But this is when you need happiness most.

Absurd, right!? Being asked to be happy when situations have gone wrong.

But here is my question: Do you want to be happy or not?
If you answer yes, then two things:
1) You must seriously choose and commit to be happy
2) You must act in alignment to your choice to be happy

CAVEAT: IT WILL NOT BE EASY. Just like it isn’t easy to get those 6 pack abs everyone so desperately wants.

The ease of the challenge will depend on how much a particular undesirable circumstance impacts you. For instance, it’ll be much easier to exercise your happiness muscle when a simple undesirable circumstance, like spilling some coffee on your white shirt occurs, whereas losing your job will require having had quite some practice.

There is more to be said on the subject as it is not as straight forward as I’m describing it to be. There is an entire process that involves processing and accepting your current emotional state before actively choosing happiness as the preferred state of being. I will write another post to clarify in more detail exactly what this process entails. For now, I kind of just want to throw this out there to get some kind of ball rolling.

But essentially, what I have noticed is that if I want to lead a consistently happy life, I have to actively practice happiness as a way of being and not only as a response to my desired experiences. This doesn’t mean I’ll always get it right and it doesn’t mean that it’ll always be easy (and that’s okay), but the more I make happiness a regular habit the more happiness I’ll experience.

*Image credit to google images

Filing the Void

I lived with a sense that something was missing. Although my basic needs were met (food, shelter, clothes, enough money to survive and sit here to write this blog) there was still something inside me that was crying and saying “it’s not enough. Something is missing.”

In my love life, I often blamed my partner for the void.
“I am sad because you are watching more TV than paying attention to me.”
“If only you would do X, Y, Z, then I will feel loved.”

Then I began to realize something I never realized before.
I realized that I blamed the world for the void.

“I don’t have my dream job. That is why I am sad.”
“My partner isn’t this X, Y, Z, way. That is why I feel unloved.”
“My father abandoned me as a child. That is why I have attachment issues.”

I also realized something else.
I realized that I wanted the world to take responsibility for my happiness.
I wanted everyone to do for me so I wouldn’t have to do for myself.

I wanted my job to make me happy because I didn’t want to be happy myself.
I wanted my partner to love me unconditionally so I didn’t have to love myself unconditionally.
I wanted others to be there so I didn’t have to just be with myself.

Once I realized this, I was able to learn the meaning of “Love yourself.”
I realized that if I wanted to be loved, all I needed was to be love.
If I wanted happiness, all I needed was to be happy.
If I wanted company, all I need was to be with myself.

Embodying this new notion has enabled me to be less afraid.
Now, when my partner is watching TV instead of giving me attention, I don’t interpret his behavior as a statement of non-love.
Now, although I still do not have my dream job, I do not interpret that as a sad thing because I haven chosen to BE happy not because I have something or another, but because happiness lives in me. Happiness has become a living entity in me; its being lives in me. If sadness tries to invade my being, I can more easily channel happiness back to me.
When I think of being abandoned and that makes me afraid, I remember that I can still have me.
I can still talk to myself. I know you might think that the idea of talking to yourself is crazy, but it really isn’t. We talk to ourselves all the time. When you have to make a choice between two things and you sit there analyzing which would be best for yourself – who are you analyzing with? Yourself. So you are constantly in communication with your being. I have learned to be my own friend.
It’s such a cool experience. You literally just communicate with yourself and yourself teaches you so many things! Everything I am writing here, I discovered through talking to myself. I have told myself that I needed to improve and to fill the void inside, and my-self responded with a new way of being.

I told myself: “I am.”
“Hm. I am? I am what.”
“I just am. and whatever else I wanna be, I am that too.”
“Oh, wow. I never thought about it that way.”
“I know!! aren’t I cool?”
“Yes. you are if you say you are.”

So I choose to BE HAPPY.
I choose to BE LOVE.
I choose to be COMPANY.
I choose to be WHOLE.
I choose to be  ALL THAT I AM. AS I AM. IF I AM. WHEN I AM.

When I am sad, I no longer tell myself “don’t be sad.”
If I am sad, then f#ck it – I am sad. That’s what I choose to be. And I will be sad for as long as I feel like being sad.

But since being sad doesn’t feel so “good” for me, but being happy does…I choose to be happy more often than sad.

How are you today?
Remember, however you are, you are because you choose to be whatever you are right now.

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