I usually don’t write when I’m happy, (usually).
But the amount of joy I’m feeling right now is too big not to share.
I am so happy it scares me.
It scares me because there’s a doubt that creeps up and says “This is all too good to be true. This isn’t real life. This can’t possibly be real. I can’t possibly be truly happy. Any moment now some disaster is going to come. Something bad is going to happen. I’ll get sick. Or I’ll lose everything. He’ll leave. I’ll be miserable again. Always searching. Always looking but never arriving.”
I don’t want to believe those thoughts. But I also want to be a REALIST. Sickness DOES happen. People do LEAVE/DIE. Things do BREAK/END/CHANGE. Everything is always fucking changing and you can’t hold on to forever. That’s a fucking fact.
No sooner does the most beautiful sunset hypnotize your eyes as you hug the person you love underneath “the electric sky” surrounded by your favorite humans and your favorite music in an instant of perfection are you then back at your fucking desk at work crunching numbers and eventually unraveling to your death.
Does that sound gloomy? I don’t care. It’s fact. And whether we like it or not we gotta face it.
Given the fact that shit’s constantly changing I am trying to prepare myself emotionally and mentally to deal with it so that when shit does hit the fan I’m ready with that pancho, umbrella and quarantine bubble.
What does that mean?
It means I’m trying to figure out a way to live life in such a way that I can ENJOY, EMBRACE, SAVOR, LOVE, EXPERIENCE every moment fully but also without the anxiety, fear, and worry that comes from my attachment to form.
I also want to believe that happiness is truly possible for me and that I CAN create a life I love and that I CAN love myself and have a beautiful, smooth, safe LIFE ride despite the bullshit, pain, and challenges that come my way.
With all that being said.
I am happy right now. And I want to see this dream I have in my head come true. And I want to be at peace.
Peace with myself. With you. The universe. and the world.
“To infinity and beyond.”
Mad extreme. I know.