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The Candle Maker

Trigger Warning:
This blog post contains descriptions of death. This topic may be distressing or triggering for some readers. Do NOT continue on if this topic is upsetting or disturbing to you.


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Have you ever seen a dead body? I hadn’t until today. It didn’t look real. It looked like a wax doll you’d see in the wax museum.

It was my neighbor.

I hear a man’s voice screaming outside my door. I open my door to check what the commotion was. I could see my neighbor’s door open. I thought maybe her dog ran out and something bad had happened to it. But then I see the dog, tail wagging. I see the guy she was dating wailing.

“What’s going on?” I inquire.

“She killed herself.” He responds.

I’m in shock and disbelief. I run into her apartment to see if there was any way to help or save her still. I yell out her name. I go into her room and try to look for her. I don’t see her until I look at the open closet and see her hanging in it. I couldn’t believe what I saw was real. It didn’t look real. Her hands were purple. Her feet purple. Her stomach swollen. Her mouth open and stuffed with what looked like dry blood. Her beautiful blue eyes open. It must have been days that she had been hanging there.
I wanted to touch her, check if what I was seeing was real – but I didn’t. I was in disbelief and in shock.

I walk out. The cops come.

Other neighbors come out. Everyone is crying.

She was a candle maker.
A sweet and beautiful young woman with so much to live for.
She lived in a cute, small one bedroom by the beach.

When I first moved here she gave me one of her candles.
And from then on I only bought them from her.

We weren’t that close, but I loved her and admired her so.

I would have never guessed she was struggling.

We truly just never know.

I wish I would have known.

My heart is broken. Yesterday I had one of her candles lit in my apartment, and I was thinking how I was looking forward to getting her summer collection. I had texted her last week saying I’d love to come support her at the farmer’s market.

How could this happen?

I just wanna say, if you are ever feeling alone or depressed please seek help. Please remember you are important. You matter. Your life MEANS something to people. Don’t let the voices of depression win. You matter. You’re important. You’re important. You matter.

I wish I could shout it from the roofs so every person who needs to hear it could hear it: You are important. You are loved. You matter. Please believe it.

______

Man, do we need a kinder world.

After what I saw today, I’m shook.

What should I direct my energy towards while I still can while I’m here?

I don’t wanna show off or compete or make anybody else feel like shit. Why are we not coming together more? Why aren’t we uniting more?

Why aren’t we making this world a better place for us all to live in?

So many are stressed because of bills.
Because of working jobs and barely getting by.
And that stress leaks into relationships.
We then have all this pressure to look a certain way, to have a certain car, to consume consume consume to make it look like we have it together. WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?

God help me. God help us.
God help our world.

I’m sending love to each and every one of you here. Keep believing for something good. Keep having faith. Keep being kind. Keep loving. Keep being the light. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep the faith.

YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

Reach out for help if you need it. Don’t go at this alone.

Let’s keep holding on to the light and being more of the light in this world.




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Breakdown

Everything is breaking down

It’s breaking down to let the new in

The old self is slowly dying

It’s sad, it’s scary, it’s bittersweet

I have to be strong. I have to be stronger than the loss. I have to accept. Accept impermanence. Accept change.

Time is passing. And with it is going my youth, some of the people around me, my hair line.

After many laps around the sun, you start to learn some things — gain some wisdom.

You gain a lot, you lose a lot. You build but in the end you let it all go.

One of my favorite aunts died last year. The house she bought was left behind. The clothes in her closet cleared away. The car she drove was given to her children.

This life is temporary. It’s all temporary. Some things break down and then we build them again. Yet in the end we keep nothing. So what is it all for? All this striving? All this doing? All this pressure to get it all “right”? The best hair, the nice shoes, the plump lips, the fancy outfits.

What are we all doing?

Why are we over capitalizing on each other to the point we can’t even enjoy this temporary life because we have to rush to a job just to make the payment to the banks for the ridiculously expensive mortgage loan adorned with suffocating interest.

This weekend I saw a Cheetos truck on the highway. So much gas is needed to fill up this truck to transport GARBAGE food into our groceries. What are we eating? What are we being fed?

What are WE DOING!? Is someone out there AWAKE!?

We are co-creating this God damned world here. Is this what you want? To go to debt for schooling, to go to debt to buy a car, to go to debt to buy a house and LIVE OUR WHOLE LIVES SLAVES TO BANKS and their interest payments?

So many cars on the road as we commute to work jobs we don’t even like. WHAT ARE WE DOING?

Are these the jobs we really want?

Are we happy with what we are creating? This is OUR WORLD.

We, together, call the shots. WHAT ARE WE DOING?

I’m pissed. And sometimes feel so damn powerless in the face of it all.

I hope we find a way to make it better. This experience here is temporary. I want to make the best of it and have supportive systems that create ease and peace for people. Not disease, stress, debt, depression, lack, scarcity, fear… what the fuck is going on.

I saw someone share this image below and it was the best thing I saw on the internet yesterday. So I am sharing it here with you.

^ I didn’t create the image I saw someone share it on facebook and I’m sharing it here with you…


Life is hard enough as it is — why don’t we come together to make it better? To make it pleasant?

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Endings

There is something so deeply poetic about endings.

Life is constantly in the process of moving, from one moment to the next.

The moment you started reading this is already over, you are now getting to the middle and now the end of this sentence.

It’s all evaporating. Morphing. Changing.
Everything changes.
And what hurts is that sometimes we wish it wouldn’t.
We wish we didn’t have to say good bye to the people and places we love because letting go of something we hold dear is painful.

There is something so deeply painful about going through the loss of what we love.
The loss of a lover, a friend, a parent, our youth.

There is something so bittersweet about this aspect of change. Change is what allows us to experience. To grow. To move through time.

Sometimes it means moving closer to the people and things we want, while other times moving further and further away.

The pain of a breakup feels like the soul is being ripped apart.
The pain of detaching. Healing. It hurts so profoundly.

Wounds can be complex in nature. They have dimension. They can bring both wisdom, sadness, fondness, appreciation, regret. Some wounds are like a soup carrying a mixture of flavors and many ingredients.

It’s so hard to say good bye sometimes.
Yet it’s these very endings that clear the same for the new. For rebirth. For transformation. We must let go of what is in order to step into what is becoming and what will be. It’s the endings that will make way for your greatest joys. For fresh energy to enter your life and new wisdom to be gained.
Until it’s time to say good bye to that too at some point. A new ending from another beginning.

Gahhhh.

I like to think of enduring endings the way you would a tattoo. They’re painful, but you just sit there and take the pain. Sometimes that’s all we can do. Is sit and take the pain. To fully sink into it and feel it. To embrace the shadow, the dark, the hurt, the loss, the sickness, the breakdown, the storm. To look it all in the face and simply endure. Simply be with it. Simply accept that it hurts and that all we can do in this moment is feel the pain. There is no where to go or hide. The only place is here and now and this pain.

Oof.

Boy, I tell ya. This life. It’s a sick, wild, beautiful, wonderful, sad, bittersweet piece of art.


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Slippin’

Today I’ve been reflecting on the passage of time.

How time just keeps on slippin’

Tick tock tick tock

and pretty soon we have to let go…

~.~

I’ve been pet sitting as a side hustle
and I had a dog with me for the last 5 days who I grew to really care for
He was so sweet, obedient, and loving.

During our last hour together I kept looking at him and I felt sadness in my heart.
As we played tug of war all I could think of is that in less than an hour I would be saying good bye

he would go back home to his owner… and that would be it.

The fact I knew that pretty soon I would have to say good bye – boy, it hit me.
Because we can really take for granted the time we’ve been given here on Earth. Our time is limited and each second passing means we are closer to expiration.

We never really know when we will say good bye to the people and things we love most,

it literally could be any moment.

This made me think of the importance of cherishing the good moments of this life and to make it a priority to seek more of the good, because what better else could we be doing with our limited time?

Waste it away in an office working 9-5 doing work we aren’t passionate about? No thanks.

When we realize our time is something we can’t ever get back we start getting picky about it
We won’t just say “yes” to random invitations that serve no good purpose in our lives
We won’t accept getting paid less than we deserve

We won’t waste time doing things that don’t fulfill us

because time is limited
and the sooner we understand that

the sooner we can start valuing and prioritizing what we believe is important

Time is slippin’

tick tock tick tock tick tock….

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EGO

There’s this deep sadness I feel sometimes
Because despite life being awe inspiring, beautiful and filled with lovely moments…
I can’t ignore the other side of the coin

Death, pain, suffering, ignorance, immaturity, injustice, sickness, wrong doings, _______ <insert bad thing here.

The other night I woke up from a bad dream
and I was flooded with tears

Tears because of the loss I’ve experienced in the past
and for the loss I’ll experience in the future.
For all the suffering on this planet
and for how small I feel sometimes in the face of it all.

I had a thought come up about needing to “let go of my ego”…

Something that feels like a recurring lesson

Saying “I’m sorry”
Acknowledging where I’m at fault and how I’m contributing to my problems
Owning up to my mistakes rather than fighting to be right

Not easy to say “I’m sorry” during moments I rather be a brat and stick up for my side of the story.


Sometimes I dance between ideals and apathy
Seeing the beauty and miracle that is life
yet also seeing the ugly and merciless hands of time that takes it all away

I think about my mom sometimes
her aging…
how much she struggled and how I wish I could give her a castle, and everything she could ever dream of

How I wish I could give you the world
How I wish I could save the world
How I wish things were different

How powerless I feel as a spec in an infinite universe

What do you want from me?
I’m here… to die 😦

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numb

n
u
m
b


that is how i feel


when you give me everything and take it all away
when it seems like it’d be something but it ends up being just another lesson

is it me?
am i too stupid? too mean? too angry? too dumb? too naive? too kind? too blind to see the obvious?

numb… that is how i feel

when i have to live another day i don’t want to
when i watch me move away
when i watch you slip away
when i watch it fade away

you give and give
and you mean so well
and then it all goes nowhere

numb…

i can’t endure the pain
so all i can do is go numb

why?
i wish i knew the why

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Letting go

Life’s got me fucked up…

Everything just comes and GOES ——

the GOES is what has me all twisted.

I’m doing and doing just to let it all go

In the end I lose it all — my material possessions, my family, the man I fell in love with, my youth, and my own life

and what is it all for????

When I reflect on this harsh truth it just makes me want to say fuck it to everything, get in a car and just hit the road to see where it all takes me

it makes me want to stop caring about acquiring possessions because what does all that shit even mean at the end of the actual day? Nothing.

Acquiring things just to make it seem to other people that I have my shit together? What for??

It makes no sense

so yeah imma get the tattoo
and yeah I’m going to say I love you

yeah I’m going to buy the plane ticket and yeah I’m going to dance naked underneath the stars

I’m going to be both wise and foolish

I’m going to laugh and cry…

certainly cry as I watch the life I worked so hard to build crumble and get blown by the wind back into the earth whence it came

sigh… what a bunch of bullshit

It makes me sad to think that life is actually a sad tale

that at every moment we are just distracting ourselves from the inevitable — aging, loss and death

But I don’t know… maybe there is hope.

and hopefully I’ll find it

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Sad

You have every right to be sad

About the love that didn’t work

About your career moving so slow

about the tragedies in the world

about the sickness

about your team losing

about the family member who died

about your hair thinning and the cavity on your tooth

about the fact that you are aging and losing your youthful look

about the fact that at the end of the day we all just end up dead

That is the story

the truth is, that despite life’s many beauties, love and wonders — the story of life, is actually one that does not have a happy ending 😦

It’s sad

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death

I feel like death is something we don’t talk much about

So I wanna talk about it…
because it’s something that is lurking to find us all at some point or another

it’s a strange thing…
we never really know when it’s coming

It makes me sad when I think about it
When I think about life slipping away

I’m doing all this work for it all to just be taken away by the hands of time


One day I will have to say good bye to my body,
good bye to my life and everything I’ve created

what a harsh truth to swallow

nothing is ever ours
NOTHING

so stop thinking anything is truly yours, “my boyfriend, my car, my house, my dog”
yours nothing… everything passes, everything fades — you keep nothing.

Some say there is an after life
Some say we reincarnate
Some say you go to heaven or hell
Some say there is some in between place — purgatory
Some say you die and that’s it — that’s the end

I say — I don’t know what happens, because I really freakin’ don’t…

Is there a chance my consciousness can live without a physical body? If so, for how long?

Even if my consciousness can be transferred to a different host, this body that I now possess will eventually give out. I will have to let go.

It makes me sad to think of myself getting old
To think of my body not being as strong, not as attractive

It makes me sad to think of my loved ones passing away

It makes me sad to think of letting go

This death thing, man… it’s quite a topic to reflect on

The other day as I walked home from the beach I sort of dissociated for a moment as I looked around me at people passing by… some waiting for the light to turn… other’s standing in a corner among themselves talking… a family going for a stroll — isn’t it weird we are all strangers to each other? Just a bunch of strangers crossing the same street. We live on this planet together, but we ignore each other and just keep walking by.

that same day I had a weird thought come through — “we’re all just waiting to die.”

Death, that is our destination.

We go about our lives not really talking about this.
We are born, we experience some things, and at some point we die — death — that is what you’re amounting to.

What exactly is death?

Is it when the body can no longer function in support of your consciousness?

Is time travel a possibility? Could we come back to the same point in time? What is the nature of reality?

I love this being that I am — I would hate to never see her again.

😦

death…
sigh

this topic makes me deeply sad
and it makes me wonder, if ultimately my life just ends, am I making it worth it?

am I loving enough
laughing enough
dancing enough
exploring enough
enjoying enough
or am I too worried about how I look and how much I’ve acquired that I am missing the opportunity to truly live?

damn, idk
lot’s to think about

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