I’ve been day dreaming of all the things we could do…
Like have a family and a homestead with a couple of chickens.
I could be playing in our beautiful, spacious kitchen and you could be walking up behind me with a tender hug. Our mornings could be gentle, our days peaceful, our hearts full, our lives abundant.
We could take off on a whim. We could stay up all night laughing. We could play music, dance, sing and talk for hours on end. We could challenge each other to grow. We could inspire each other to be our best. I could kiss your forehead in the morning, bring you breakfast in bed.
We could travel to big cities. Swim naked in Colombia. Fly to Italy to see your family and drink wine until we’re happy drunk. We can learn Italian words as we galavant through cobblestones. Eat pasta, pizza, cannoli and tiramisu. “Would you like another drink?” “Sì, per favore!”
We could make our way to Thailand to meditate and practice yoga. We could eye gaze until the inner walls come down and all that’s left is love. We could explore the temples, trek through jungles, Island hop, peruse the local markets for authentic Thai food and a little trinket for our memories.
We could return back home and off we go back into the road. We could sleep underneath the stars. We could read books while resting on each other softly. We can go to festivals. Solve puzzles. Play chess. Squeeze each other’s bottoms in passing.
We could have it all.
But you won’t even text me.
Why?
Is it because I took too long?
Because I don’t really wear skirts?
Is it because I’m too nice? Too sweet?
Is it because I don’t move my hips like the other girls do?
Because I’m too small?
Not cool enough?
Too complicated?
Too simple?
Too…?
Is it because the sound of my voice is too young? Naive?
Are you being impatient?
Or did I do something wrong?
I don’t know.
But I release control.
I’ll trust.
I’ll trust the process.
I’ll trust that what is meant to be won’t miss me.
I’ll take my love and gift it to me.
For so long I’ve been placing it everywhere else. I never knew any better. I never knew how to be whole.
And perhaps this is the perfect time to do so.
And perhaps this is about true love.
Perhaps it’s about letting go.
Perhaps it’s about patience.
Perhaps it’s about trust.
I don’t know.
I do know that life is not a guarantee.
I’ve been seeing it more and more right before my eyes.
I feel shook yet still frozen and unable to move.
Because where to from here?
Where to from here?
What really matters in a world where it all just goes?
It all just goes…
So then what about it?
My heart wants to crack open to engulf my whole being with it’s own love, kindness and compassion only to reawaken again unafraid to move forward. Walking in full trust. Knowing that when I take a step in empty space a block will appear to uphold me. I need not worry. I need not fear. Because I know. I know. I know.
A part of me surrenders
A part of me is in the corner fighting and throwing a tantrum
“Why’d you get me so high to leave me solo?”
What even matters anyway?
What to do anyway?
Do I sell it all and travel? Go to Bali? Japan?
Get a car and just go — just go?
Do I stay put and build a foundation?
For what? For what? It all just goes. It all just goes….
So what really matters?
I guess maybe that moment with you.
But it’s all fleeting anyway.
Whatever.
The moon was full last night and of course I thought of you.
I thought of sitting in a deliciously warm room in what felt like Costa Rica
Legs crossed like a yogi and I’m facing you
For a long, tender moment our foreheads touch
It’s like I can understand you but without the need for any words
Ahhh….
Lately I have been craving deep, deep peace. As if every part of me just wants to root down into the depths of the Earth and sink into this deeeeep deeep comfort. A place where I feel like I could rest. A place where I feel like I could trust. A place that feels more solid. I place of ease and true joy.
I want to become lighter. There is desire for surrender. To feel every cell in my body move three octaves higher.
MMM..
This morning I was kissed by the crisp morning air and I couldn’t stop filling my lungs with this cosmic juice. I stopped for a moment and looked again at the moon that shined so brightly in the sky. I literally took a moment to pause. I wish I could just stand there forever in awe. Forever in bliss.
I feel like there is this version of me who is birthing that I’m madly in love with. I can only catch glimpses of the vibration. Sometimes she scares me because being her means letting go of the version of me I have always been. It means letting go of the fears I’ve felt. The doubts. The lack of courage.
Wow. Can you just imagine waking up in FULL TRUST, DEEP JOY, DEEP PEACE, DEEP FUCKING LOVE AND MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FAITH.
Lol… A part of me is like “You’re delusional”
and then the other part is like “Call it whatever you want, but if it brings me all of that, so be it!”
I feel like I am learning to feel more comfortable in my body. More comfortable in my womanhood. I still feel like a squirmish girl. A little awkward. A little afraid. And I welcome and love all those parts of me without abandon. But the keyword is, I am still very much *learning*. Very entrenched into the curriculum of Earth school.
What a ride.
Do you ever miss someone you don’t even know yet?
Like there is something or someone out there you are longing for?
From time to time I get this feeling.
As if the peak of my experience hasn’t arrived yet. So I live here craving this other moment in the future I know is waiting for me. Or more accurately said, delusionally believe is waiting for me.
I was walking to the farmers market today and this feeling of monotony came over me. It reminded me of the fact that you meet someone, you fall in love, it’s romantic for a bit but then the reality of life sets in. The normalcy. The walking down the street together to run the same old errands. The sitting on the couch. The noises he makes when he’s eating and the dirty clothes that are left on the floor. The romance fades. The butterflies. The fantasy.
Everything just becomes… normal.
Do you think sometimes we create drama out of boredom?
I mean once you’ve got the house, the partner, the garden, the car, the travel – then what?
I don’t know…
Sigh.
I miss you.
The moon is looking beautiful out tonight. It makes me think of you. It makes me think of music, the desert, charcuterie board with red wine and holding you close.
Damn, this year got me rocked.
After the suicide of two people I loved, I’m shook.
This life is temporary. What’s worse is that there are people suffering to varying degrees on this planet.
WTF is going on? What are we doing to one another? Why are homes hundreds of thousands of dollars? Why are we making it so stressful when we could be making it so beautiful, peaceful, incredible instead?
HEAVEN ON EARTH.
This idea of being a New Earth Leader keeps swirling in my mind.
WTF does that even mean?
It just means being a good fucking human who cares about the planet and the others in it to give it you plain and short.
We should be tending to the land. The land is our home. Since when do we charge for what is our birth right?
Why are we putting a price tag on what is already given to us freely by mama Earth?
I’m livid bro.
What’s fucking worse is the ripple effect of our shitty consciousness.
Young girls made to feel like their bodies are not good enough, leading to eating disorders, body dysmorphia, cutting behaviors and suicide.
I’m pissed.
WTF is going on? What are we doing to one another?
Borrow money from banks to go to college. To get a job to pay for the money you borrowed. To borrow to buy a car to drive to the job, you’re in debt to get. To borrow to buy a home and be a slave for 30 years to pay that mortgage. Debt on debt on debt on debt.
The money circulates between the banks. It just goes from Chase to Chase when you swipe at the grocery store and the clerk receives the transaction to their bank.
What is this game we’re playing?
Is this really the vision guys?
There is a lot to be grateful for. There is a lot that is working. There is a lot that is good. There is a lot that is truly amazing, beautiful and we should be so proud of.
And there is also so much we need to look at, revise and improve. A lot to take accountability for. A lot of shit to fix. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
Anyway. I don’t wanna overwhelm you with my nonsense and endless complaints.
On another note…
Reality is so interesting to me.
I’ve been so on the fence lately about magic, miracles, quantum energy, manifestation and all inexplicable matters that evoke a sense of “there is more here than meets the eye” type vibe.
But then coincidences and synchronicities happen that you can’t help but suspect “divine intervention” is happening or that perhaps God is listening after all.
I don’t know. I’m lost.
My heart hurts deeply sometimes. It’s actually been beating irregular lately too. I saw a doctor about it. I’ve had a few moments where it was hard to breathe for like 3 seconds.
I’m also counseling people in a mental health setting.
I’m also trying to find my ultimate purpose. And figure my shit out as always.
Gahhh…..
There is so much I wish to say and pour out. I wish I could hug every human, myself included and just send everyone a deep message of hope, love, and courage. To assure myself and everyone else that it’s ok and will be ok always. I really wish I could.
“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay it’s not the end.”
I wish it were you…
I text came through
I wish it were you
and again it wasn’t
I’m looking at my phone again to see if anything changes, like opening the fridge for the 3rd time in hopes of finding something good but there ain’t nothing but some condiments and the quinoa you’ve made 6 days ago
What’s gotten into me?
Love.
I’m having these moments where I’m feeling high off life again. I can feel myself vibrating at a higher frequency. I can feel my connection to you and to the oneness of all there is. It’s so delicious.
I’m so damn ready to quantum leap.
Like f*3k playing small and being so dense
I wanna be electric
Magnetic
In flow ✨🌊
I want my chakras open
My energy aligned
I wanna draw you closer
I wanna dance
Sing
Play
Laugh
Cry
I wanna emanate abundance and give back to the needing places of the world
I wanna spread a message of love, peace, joy, freedom, health and all that’s good
I wanna LIVE AWAKENED
I wanna burst with bliss and deep pleasure, ecstasy and enjoyment of this paradoxical, wild, beautiful, sad, bittersweet world
GAHHHH
I want it so bad
but for now…
I must wait
wait until the stars align, the clocks bring us together and maybe you’ll text
Can I just lay here a while?
And hear you talk.
Can you tell me everything about everything?
I want to get high off of your perspective. Your view of the world.
Take me to the highest highs and the lowest lows. Take me to all the in-betweens. Let us lay here for a while longer. I want to melt into the ether with you.
Can I make you an avocado toast?
Can I bring you some freshly squeezed orange juice?
Can I make you your favorite banana bread?
Can I hang up your clothes?
Can I tidy this room up for you?
When I think about life and how I want to be living all I can think of is spaciousness. Peace. Health. Joy. Trust. Connection. Alignment. Surrender. Love.
Can you imagine living from such openness?
Where every cell in your body is radiating.
Life is such a tricky paradox, man.
Just when you think you’ve gotten a handle of it, it trips you back up.
Just when you think you’re good- some bill comes in the mail, the car gets a flat tire, the earth quakes, the dog pees on the carpet, the milk spoils, the A.C stops working, someone dies, a wallet gets stolen, and you didn’t win the lotto again.
Sigh.
Just take me back to the moment where I’m laying with you.
For a moment I closed my eyes and I could see it…
True peace
True health
True well-being
Safety
A deep knowing of it all being okay
Feeling connected
Cared for
Loved
This is how we should be living
Not in fear, scarcity, pay-check to pay-check
There are moments where I feel so much certainty over the plan of God over our lives.
That we are meant to be well. We are meant for havingness, abundance, freedom, joy, connection, love, peace. This is where we are meant to be living from.
Deep down I feel like I know this to be true to my core.
I can hear it in the music.
I can picture it in my mind.
Why have we gone so astray?
I feel so small in the face of it all. It’s so noisy sometimes I can’t find who I am. I can’t hear my own voice. I can’t tell if you’re really there.
God I thought you were real. I thought you were there. I thought you cared. I thought we mattered. Don’t let the world suffer.
I looked up at the stars tonight and thought of you
I took a deep breath of the cool late night air and for a moment it’s as if I could feel you
You came into my life out of nowhere
I didn’t think I’d ever see you again
What a curious encounter.
What weird timing.
I don’t feel like I’m mature enough.
Mature to give you what you want and need.
I’m still afraid. I’m still insecure. Like a little girl. I’m shy. Squirmish. I’m still playing oh so small.
And I’m kinda pissed about it. I’m mad at myself because I’m not growing fast enough. I’m not living at the highest embodied version of myself.
I feel locked and oppressed. Sometimes heavy. Dense. My light is dim.
This doesn’t just impact me, but it also impacts my ability to lift more people. I can’t pour from an empty cup.
But that’s gotta change.
I want to be in your frequency. I want to be in your world. Even if it’s just for a little while.
They say when you meet “the one” you would know. Do you believe there is a “the one” out there for you? The one who makes it all make sense? The one who feels like home? The one who feels “right”? Like “yesss— THIS!”
The one who you feel at peace with even in silence. Where you feel safe, seen, understood and heard? The one you could lay your head on their shoulder and talk with for hours about the mysteries of the universe?
Is that person real?
I’d love to make you an avocado toast
and a yogurt bowl topped with fresh fruits we picked from the garden
I’d like for the day to move slowly
For the birds to happily chirp
For the windows to be big, bright and the ceilings tall
I’d like to feel healthy and vibrant
connected to the Universe
True peace
Heaven on Earth
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