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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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We become so enraptured in our stories, in our own little world, that we lose sight of the bigger picture.

We think that a change in our reality means our world is falling apart. We sometimes grow hopeless. We become discouraged.

As if there wasn’t an entire universe still left to be embraced.

We are made to be resilient. Survival is our natural instinct.

When it feels like the world is falling apart take a moment to simply breathe. To pause. To zoom out from looking at the situation under a microscope. To remember that there is still so much available to you. That the universe hasn’t  gone anywhere; it’s still here. There is still more for you.

The problem often lies inside our heads. In our imagination. In the file cabinets of our mind where we keep the memories, stories, and cinematics we entertain as so to make sense of things; as so to analyze, interpret, project.

Enough for now. Put the files down.

Breathe.

When we take a step away from being too close to our situation we can find fresh air. New hope. New beginnings. And a bigger reality we’ve too easily forgotten.

 

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Silly

Sometimes I think how silly we are to take our lives so serious. How we get so caught up in our own dramas. In our own stories.

It all feels so real when we are going through it. We don’t always know how to separate ourselves from our story. From our circumstance.

Every difficulty we overcame in the past is a memory. A memory now was a very real thing then.

I remember one night where I cried so hard for a boy I liked who didn’t want to be with me anymore. When it was happening it was so painful.

Now, looking back, it feels like nothing. I don’t care about him anymore. I don’t even think about him. It’s just a memory.

So, too, will all other painful experiences eventually be. A distant memory.

All the times I’ve taken life so seriously was a waste of a potential easier, less stressful experience.

When I remove myself from my self created emotional wounds I am so much better. So much stronger. So much more in tune with the vibration of trust, peace, connection, ease and flow. Then I realize what a dumbass I’ve been for doubting and getting lost in my own melodrama.

But it’s short lived. Soon enough I’m sucked back into internal chaos. A chaos that at times I feel addicted to. Accustomed to. Familiar with.

Sigh.

How silly I am.

Reflecting… Out Loud

Who has the answers?
Is it you — girl in the corner twirling a charcoal pencil between your fingers, arched over the sketches of portraits in your high waist jeans and blue 1970’s vest draped over a loosely fitted, eggshell button down shirt?

I woke up from a different version of a dream I had during my childhood:
Jesus comes back and I am left behind.

I see an expansive white light cutting through the fabric of space revealing light shaped figures of men in horses. In the moment it was clear what was separate from the light. And I, left behind, on the other side of the light, suddenly struggled with the realization that I was wrong. I chose wrong. As I frantically fought my way through unfamiliar people and objects in attempt to approach the light to plead that “I didn’t know any better,” my awareness beyond the dream state chimed in saying, “This can’t be right. This has to be a dream.”

WTF…

This week I’ve been contemplating “what’s the point?”

Well. That’s actually a common contemplation of mine.

But it’s more often been in the forefront of my mind the question of “What truly is the point of all this and what is the right answer?” If there is no “right” answer, how do I really know that’s true? How much more right is it to say “There is a right answer” vs. “There is no right answer?” when we don’t have ultimate proof of either.

Sigh.

Let’s talk about psychedelic experiences for a moment. 
Are they real? Or are they simply your brain responding to powerful chemicals? Nothing truly mystical or magical here – only your brain having a response to a disruption in its normal neural circuitry which manifests itself in symptoms like disassociation, distorted vision, distorted sense of time,  blended perception of senses, (seeing colors, tasting sounds), visual hallucinations, among others.  
When we have a psychedelic experience are we tapping into some real, alternate realm? Is there REALLY AND TRULY some other dimension where there are beings of forms beyond the earth existing?
Or is it just your brain making these things up in response to a drug and then people come out of it thinking it’s real when it’s just as fake as a Hollywood movie?

What do you make of the works by Alex Grey?

What is true about the nature of reality?
Do the people who promote the law attraction have it right?
Are we really just energy and we can manifest anything we want into our life simply by becoming a vibrational match?
Sometimes these thoughts scare me. Because if this is true, I am fucked. My thoughts can go to some pretty dark places and the last thing I need is to manifest them into reality.

Co-relation does not mean causation.  

Who really knows whats going on here?
Is it the Scientists? The Christians? The Buddhists? The Quantum Physicists?
Can someone please tell me – why? For what am I here? 
Why is there something rather than nothing?

Does this all truly matter in the end? Or is it truly meaningless? 
Which is it?
What even is “the end?” Is there life beyond this?

If I knew, would I be satisfied with the answer? 
How would I know that I know?

How can I truly know something?

I have my basic senses to guide me. But they’re not enough. There is so much that they do not detect. And my intellect is that of a mere, average human. 

Maybe I’ll never know. What if this “I’ll never know” attitude is what stops me from ever digging to find out? 

Why do I even care?

I wish I didn’t.

I wish I was someone who didn’t care.
Someone who could just live their life in peace. Not feeling the need to seek anything. To know anything. 

Someone like the girl in the corner twirling the charcoal pencil between her fingers.

 

 

What If…

What if…🤔

What if the universe is actually on your side.
What if for once you let go of your fears and believed that you are supported. That you are loved. That people appreciate and want to spend time with you.
What if you just breathe into trust.
What if you turned every negative thought around.
You control the narrative in your head. So what if you told yourself a beautiful, empowering story instead of a sad, debilitating one?
Do you think you’d be happier if you did?
Do you think you could do it?
Try this experiment with me.
Next time choose to believe the best possible thought.

No Attachment

I’ve been practicing this new way of being. I am not attaching to my thoughts as often as I used to be, especially not the negative ones.

My mind is usually going on and on about anything and everything. Analyzing, criticizing,  fantasizing all kinds of scenarios, breaking things apart, putting them back together, accessing memories from years back and entertaining ideas about their meanings, projecting myself into the future, rubik’s cubing all the possible scenarios to manipulate outcomes, interpreting external cues and data, attempting to make sense of it all, wondering if I’m being perceived okay and if I fit in or not, worrying about rejection and doom, catastrophizing, rationalizing, compartimentalizing, all over the placealizing, and boy, let me tell you, it’s exhausting!!!

And: #ain’tnobodygotimefordat

I have to LET THIS WAY OF BEING GO!

I don’t live in real time when I live like this. I live in the mind. Lost in a story. Lost in thoughts that are usually negative.

No. No. No. No more!

I want to simply exist. Let whatever thoughts cross my mind but not latch on to them like they’re reality. They’re just thoughts. They are NOT TRUTH.

I don’t have to entertain whatever chatter pops up in my head. Ideas have no power over me unless I start to entertain, accept, attach and believe them. Fuck that noise.

I want to live HERE and PRESENT. Not in some limiting bullshit ass story that is running in my mind.

Nope. Unsubscribe from that party!

——

I’m not yet fully versed in this new way of being yet, though. I’m a newbie at it.

But even as a newbie it’s helping me so much already. I am working on my mental health like I am working on my physical health. My mind is a muscle that I can train just like I can train my body. And I want to train it to serve me, rather than be a servant to it’s loose ramblings.

 

Wish me luck! And good luck to those of you out there practicing the same. You’re a badass and I love you!

❤️

 

Stress and Peace

These are my brief, unedited ideas on stress and peace.

Peace is a lifestyle. It is something that you cultivate. It is something that you practice. And the more you practice it the better you get at it – like with anything in life. You have to learn to be at peace. And it is something that you will improve on as life goes on. There are always challenges both big and small that trigger stress, anxiety, depression, sadness and all other kinds of undesired feelings, bodily sensations and behaviors. Therefore, it is up to you to learn to work with your body and mind to cultivate the level of peace necessary to deal with the external stressor. Some external stresses might be small and easy to deal with like dropping ketchup on your shirt or breaking a glass or something. For some people though, something small like that might seem to be the end of the world. That’s because they haven’t practiced much peace yet. Because if you practice then something small like that won’t affect you at all… and the more you practice even the big things won’t affect you – not even death or loss. Or anything. Because you have mastered peace. And it’s hard. And takes lots and lots of practice and time and dedication. Peace is a way of life. You have to chose it. Because really the alternative is stress and it’s just so uncomfortable living like that.

Aware

I am aware of myself. I am aware of being aware.

I question the motivations behind my actions. When I’m not satisfied with an insight I look deeper into myself to challange my thoughts. I don’t like it when I realize that I am doing things for selfish reasons. Like wearing a sexy outfit to get attention. Then I ask, “What’s wrong with a little attention? Isn’t life supposed to be fun?”

“Is that your idea of “fun”? Being all sexy for attention!?” Says my conscience in a condemning tone.

“Well… Yeah… It’s kinda fun. Looking all spicy and all.”

“Shame on you.”

“Shame on YOU for thinking ‘shame on you’ for something so natural. Do not the peacocks flaunt their feathers?”

 

I can back and forth with similar dialogues in my own mind for hours. An entire drama in my head. I guess  that’s one  way to save money on theatre.

 

 

Be The Driver of Your Mind

The mind is like a vehicle that you use to navigate through life. You command left, left it goes. Right, right it goes. There are times, however, where your mind is the one navigating you rather than the other way around. You become lost in the stories in your head. You remember the past, rehearse for the future and on, and on the rambling continues to the point of overwhelm. Some of us are so lost in our minds and so controlled by its power that we can’t even fall asleep. The mind is riding us.

The mind is a powerful tool with tremendous potential. Use your mind for your service and wellbeing. Don’t let your mind take you away from the present moment as it replays old memories, blames you, guilts you, judges you, abuses you.  Don’t let your mind tell you negative, limiting stories that say you are not enough, not capable, and that you will not achieve your goals. When you catch yourself falling victim to the mind, interrupt it saying, “Hey, I am the boss here, not these limiting thoughts. I choose to love and believe in myself at all times. I am enough. I am present.” Command your mind! You are the driver and the mind is the vehicle – not the other way around. Drive your mind through roads that are conducive to your highest potential. If you see the mind getting out of control, like a car that begins to veer from its lane, guide it back to the present and loving path. Be the driver of your mind!

Breathe. Be Here. Be Present.

I think a lot. A lot.

I realize that most of my thinking hinders my ability to simply experience the beauty of the present moment. The sounds. The smells. The colors. The joy of being part of the eternal now.

My thoughts give rise to my emotions, which gives rise to more thoughts, and circles endlessly.
When I interrupt my thinking mind I feel peaceful. I don’t project myself into the future or wallow in my past or my fears.
Letting the thoughts just play like a song on a radio allows me to be the observer of the thoughts without identifying or giving them more energy to persist.

When I let my thoughts carry me away like the mighty waves of an ocean, I lose myself in my mind. I drown. I start to believe my limiting thoughts are my reality. I play and replay scenarios in my head. I remember the past. I rehearse for the future. I replay all my fears. I analyze. Overthink. I beat an idea down over and over until I am overwhelmed and uneasy.

Then I remember  I have a choice. I can either live in my head or live in the moment. Do I live in the mental stories or do I actually live? The stories make me feel good or make me feel bad, or something in between. The stories do not provide lasting peace as they are always changing, analyzing, criticizing, judging.

Regret. Fear. Anxiety. Love. Nostalgia. Guilt. Shame. Sadness. Pride. Creativity. My myriad of emotions. It’s all tossed in my head like a salad.

Then I chose to take a seat. I just sit there and watch the thoughts. I watch them until they are done rising and sinking. I let them ride but I don’t join. I actively interrupt the thoughts by commanding myself to “Be here. Be present.” I take deep breaths and focus on the feeling of the air filling my lungs and then releasing.

In…
Out…
In…
Out…
Be here.
Be present.
In…
Out…
In…
Out…
Be here.
Be present.

My mind becomes quiet. I am brought back to the present moment where everything is ok. The colors penetrate my eyes. The smells dance in my nostrils. The sounds tickle my ears. The air makes sweet love to my lungs. I am well. I am here. I am not identified with the stories in my head. I am not my memories. I am not projecting myself into the future. I am not trying to control. I am not trying to do more, be more, have more to prove some point to myself or the world. I just am. I just am this living being who is settled in peace, inner stillness and soothing joy.

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