“Experience life in all possible ways —
good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light,
summer-winter. Experience all the dualities.
Don’t be afraid of experience, because
the more experience you have, the more
mature you become.”
― Osho
Ramblings
What’s there to talk about? The same old thing, the same old stories.
It’s not really “old” though when I really think about it. Every moment is so unique, decorated in its own way, in its own flavor.
I feel like I am going in circles. Chasing something I can’t even describe.
There is this empty feeling I can’t seem to fill.
It isn’t always there, but it’s there, nonetheless.
I want to be happy. Don’t we all? But there are moments where I’m simply not.
Maybe I am ungrateful. And truth is, at times I really am.
I am over trying to cover up the dark side of my self.
Yes. I lie. I cheat. I envy. I hate. I get jealous. I have negative thoughts.
But that’s not all of who I am.
There’s that childish, innocent side. The side that dreams of love, rainbows and peace.
The side that sees no wrong.
There’s also the in between side. Which is a little of everything. That’s who I really am. All of me.
What’s the point of all this I keep asking myself?
What should I live for?
Do I live to chase money so I can buy houses and cars and clothes that leave an impression on people? Regardless of what I do I’ll leave an impression.
What kind of impression do I want to leave? And do I want to impress you or me or a balance of both?
What kind of person do I want to become? What kind of feelings and experiences do I want to be having? How do I even begin to learn what is truly important to me and how not to live to impress others?
I have a hard time answering these questions because I have a long list of “shoulds” implanted in my brain.
According to whose “shoulds” should I live?
I allow too many people to take space in my head and influence my decisions. I feed energy to too many stories.
I also change a lot which makes it hard to even decide on any one thing.
So I am trying to boil it down to experiences and feelings rather than particular details.
Here’s a list:
I want to experience and feel:
Happiness
Pleasure
Peace
Contentment
Confidence
Trust
Fulfillment
Relax
Laughter
Love
Kindness
Belonging
Creativity
Here are some experiences and feelings I want less of:
Fear
Anxiety
Doom
Panic
Hate
Envy
Pity
Lack
Depression
Loneliness
Rush
Confusion
There’s probably a few more I can add to both the lists but this seems enough for starters.
So now that I’ve narrowed what I want to experience and feel more of… how am I going to go about my life to embrace more of those wants?
Good question.
*image credit to google images
And then there are days when I am all too human. I fight with myself for being myself. For having feelings – not just the good ones.
I betray myself when I say yes to you and no to me.
I am tired of pretending for you.
Smiling at times when I really wanna frown. Or even playing neutral when I really wanna show you the finger.
I keep looking for some grand magical moment that is going to make it all clear to me. A spontaneous epiphany — the enlightenment that is going to 360 my life. A revolution so powerful where my purpose becomes clearer than day. Nothing gets in my way, especially not my own limited thinking. This hope keeps me believing that I’m actually here for a real reason.
And then I think I am kidding myself. Entertaining the romantic idea that somehow I’m special. That any moment now something spectacular is going to happen and all will be revealed to me and I’ll finally get it. I’ll laugh when I think back at the times I ever doubted.
But it’s bullshit.
I’m just here.
Sitting in an empty train making friends with my tears.
I’m tired of being everyone’s light.
I’m tired of being my own light.
I just wanna be who I am and say fuck it to those who don’t wanna partake.
I’m not all airy fairy all the time.
I’m just not.
I’m tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else. I’m tired of feeling like I even have to be perfect. And it’s not even perfect – it’s good enough.
Like I have to be just good enough to please you. Ugh. Fuck off.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder.
I am tired of being tired.