A day without you feels like an eternity.
But I don’t want to get carried away.
I’ve done that and it led me to fall off a cliff I’m still licking the wounds from.
How do you remain balanced — centered, when all you want to do is get deeply lost in love?
To lose track of time and just rest my head on your shoulder while you tell me about your next business endeavor. I could listen forever.
I’m already getting carried away. Apparently I can’t help it… something about the way my astral chart is positioned apparently makes me “romantic and impractical.” #Thepattern. Sounds about right.
Anyway…I’m kinda mad. Mad that I am in a human body and not just floating in space like magical fairy dust.
These bodies just feel so dense and this world so full of nonsensical demands, I’m kinda over it.
How is it that with all our brilliance the best we’ve got is sick time, PTO, and bills?
Why aren’t our systems set up to support us to actually live? It breaks my heart seeing mothers who would want to raise their babies having to leave their babies to go do a job just to get by. Families being split up during the day when they would much rather be together, raising their babies.
Don’t get me started.
Anyway, I am dreaming up a non-profit. One where we volunteer our labor to construct each other’s homes. I’d call it “The Volunteer Society”. We could raise funds to acquire construction materials. We would come together as a collective and volunteer our time and labor to create gorgeous homes for each other. All we need is each other. The Earth has already provided what we need.
I have a lot of great ideas but often not a lot of energy for execution or enough support. A problem I keep running into that makes it very heavy for me and sometimes makes me want to give up hope.
Anyway………….
I’m in love, as usual. With you, with me, with life, with everything….
And also in despair at times…..
Bleh.
Must keep believing.
It all still feels so far away and I feel like I am failing.
Feelings aren’t facts though, so gotta watch out for the cognitive trap of “emotional reasoning”.
Idk. Nothing is a guarantee anyway.
Keepin’ the faith though. Keepin’ the faith.
Little by little things are coming together.
Although there are parts that are still taking their sweet ass time to fall into place.
So I learn patience.
I learn not to give up just because things get hard. I learn that there is reward in baby steps. I learn to keep curious about what comes next.
I’m trying to work out the master plan right now.
Which has been kind of annoying because for the longest time I feel like I’m constantly on the go, go, go – do, do, do. And it’s like when can I just sit here, be a potato, and do nothing??
I’m a lot like my mom, though. Can’t sit still for very long. I gotta be on the move. Getting shit done or else I feel like I’m wasting time. I’m addicted to productivity.
I like being this way. I just need to chill out a tad. Let go of all this pressure to be, do, get, have all the time.
Which brings me to a thought I had earlier…
So I bought a new mattress and bed frame for my new apartment. I placed the mattress in the corner, adorned it in bedsheets and pillows for the evening and set aside the frame for me to build the next day. Then it dawned on me, maybe I don’t even need the bed frame at all.
I thought to myself, “Why can’t I just keep the mattress on the floor as is? It actually doesn’t look too bad and I’d save money on the bed frame.”
Then a responding thought surfaced. “Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if I had someone over my house and they saw that I only slept on a mattress? I should probably just keep the bed frame.”
Thoughts like these piss me off when I become aware of them.
Because in me there is this belief that I need MORE (because the mattresss alone isn’t good enough) in order to feel like I’m doing things “right.” So that people could see that I have it “together.” And that my bed is “proper” and that everything is in order so please approve of me, love me, and maybe even envy me.
WHAT THE FUCK.
These are my thoughts, guys.
These are the types of thoughts that play through my head.
May it be displayed for all to see.
But may it also be known that I am attempting to transcend the bullshit. So I can come to a place where I really and truly do things for ME without feeling like I need to do them in order to keep up with society and what’s expected of me.
May I find TRUE happiness. May I learn to be true to myself without shame.
May I be able to be fully human and embrace all of me – farts, pimples, weird pinky toe nail, and mattress without frame…
(Though I’m keeping the frame… lol… for now).
Realizing it is half the battle.
At one point or another you stand before yourself facing the reality you’re currently in. You see that what you’re doing is not working. You notice that the choices you’ve been making and the habits you’ve formed are not compatible with the version of life you want to experience.
You’ve been saying yes when you mean no.
You’ve been overly nice.
You’ve been giving more than you’ve been receiving.
You’ve been laughing at jokes you don’t even find funny, only to keep the peace and eliminate how awkward it would be if you were to dare to hurt anyone’s feelings.
You’ve been playing small. Asking what everyone else thinks before asking yourself what you think.
You’ve been scared to voice your opinion. To stand alone if no one else agrees.
You’ve been downplaying your value. Not trusting your own self for fear of getting it wrong, as if it’s possible to get EVERYTHING right ALL THE TIME.
Coming to realize yourself in your patterns is the first step. Good job. You know now. You’re aware now.
But here is where it gets tricky.
“What the fuck do I do about this new found knowledge of who I am, who I’ve been, where I am and more important where the heck am I going and who do I need to be to get there?”
I’ll tell you what you’re gonna have to do. You’re going to look at the FACTS and then you’re going to CHANGE THE FACTS.
Fact is: I say yes when I mean no. New fact is: I say no when I mean no.
Fact is: I am overly nice. New fact is: I’m kind, not stupid.
Fact is: I give more than I receive. New fact is: I’m fair – take it or leave it.
Fact is: I hide what I really feel. New fact is: I tell it like it is.
Fact is: I’m afraid to speak my opinion. New fact is: I speak and stand behind my opinions without fear, even if it means standing alone.
Fact is: I don’t trust myself. New fact is: I trust myself.
See, knowing that there is something about yourself or your life that isn’t quite in resonance is only step one. Without step 2, which is to turn the current facts into new facts by LITERALLY and PHYSICALLY causing a REAL change in both thought and behavior you’re only left with realizations. And simply realizing it is not enough. There needs to be an added element of FUCK THIS SHIT, I’M UPGRADING MY THOUGHTS AND MY BEHAVIORS TO MATCH THE EXPERIENCE OF LIFE I TRULY WANT.
Will it be easy? Fuck no.
Will there be challenges. Heck yeah.
But let me tell you dear friend, it is better to fight for the life you do want then to live in defeat stuck in a miserable reality you hate.
What have you been realizing lately? What are the facts? And tell me, what are the new facts? Get clear on it and get to work. I’ll be fighting for the same over here on my end. Let’s make it happen.
Victory be upon us.
Grace.
❤
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