Little by little things are coming together.
Although there are parts that are still taking their sweet ass time to fall into place.
So I learn patience.
I learn not to give up just because things get hard. I learn that there is reward in baby steps. I learn to keep curious about what comes next.
I’m trying to work out the master plan right now.
Which has been kind of annoying because for the longest time I feel like I’m constantly on the go, go, go – do, do, do. And it’s like when can I just sit here, be a potato, and do nothing??
I’m a lot like my mom, though. Can’t sit still for very long. I gotta be on the move. Getting shit done or else I feel like I’m wasting time. I’m addicted to productivity.
I like being this way. I just need to chill out a tad. Let go of all this pressure to be, do, get, have all the time.
Which brings me to a thought I had earlier…
So I bought a new mattress and bed frame for my new apartment. I placed the mattress in the corner, adorned it in bedsheets and pillows for the evening and set aside the frame for me to build the next day. Then it dawned on me, maybe I don’t even need the bed frame at all.
I thought to myself, “Why can’t I just keep the mattress on the floor as is? It actually doesn’t look too bad and I’d save money on the bed frame.”
Then a responding thought surfaced. “Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if I had someone over my house and they saw that I only slept on a mattress? I should probably just keep the bed frame.”
Thoughts like these piss me off when I become aware of them.
Because in me there is this belief that I need MORE (because the mattresss alone isn’t good enough) in order to feel like I’m doing things “right.” So that people could see that I have it “together.” And that my bed is “proper” and that everything is in order so please approve of me, love me, and maybe even envy me.
WHAT THE FUCK.
These are my thoughts, guys.
These are the types of thoughts that play through my head.
May it be displayed for all to see.
But may it also be known that I am attempting to transcend the bullshit. So I can come to a place where I really and truly do things for ME without feeling like I need to do them in order to keep up with society and what’s expected of me.
May I find TRUE happiness. May I learn to be true to myself without shame.
May I be able to be fully human and embrace all of me – farts, pimples, weird pinky toe nail, and mattress without frame…
(Though I’m keeping the frame… lol… for now).