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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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present moment

Hurt

I’ve been so hurt before.

And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”

I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”

Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”

I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.

From NY to Cali

I’m starting my cross country road trip journey from NY to Cali tomorrow, October 6, 2018, at around 6:00 AM.

I’ve been waiting for this day for so many years!

I want to share how I feel about it.

Right now, in this moment, I am surprisingly much less excited about it than I imagined I would be. I’m moving towards my goal of being warm and happy. Shouldn’t I be more excited?

And a part of me is excited.
But another part of me is saying “This is actually kind of stressful.”
Budgeting. Downsizing. Packing what I can manage to fit. Saying bye to people I love. Hunting apartments. Trying to convince landlords that they should trust me even though I have no official job out there yet. Looking for jobs. Having no idea what neighborhoods and people out there are like. Having no friends out there. No family out there (Well, my sister in LA but I’l be in San Diego).

It’s a bit overwhelming when I look at the size of the mountain I’m trying to climb. On the outside it looks cool, you know? “Oh, this girl is just taking her shit and going.” And yeah, it is kinda cool and  yeah it is pretty exciting, but let me tell you – it is also stress and work! It is also me sitting in front of my computer for hours on end looking on Craigslist, apartments.com, Zillow, and asking around for rentals. It’s also seeking and looking for several jobs but receiving rejection letters. It’s also looking at my bank account and trying to be smart with every penny (which is challenging at times for me because I am a spender — Ooh, did someone say Starbucks!?). It’s also having to map out a route (when I suck at maps) and plan rest and lodge areas.

AAAAAH!!!

I keep asking myself – “What the fuck are you doing?”

Truth is – I have no idea. But I do know I want to be in warm weather as I try to figure it all out.

I have so many goals but wonder at times if I will have what it takes to bring them to pass.

I need to calm down. I already want to be at step Z without first going through A and B.

*Breathes*

I’ve found myself to be more anxious during this time.
Having a hard time staying in the moment.

Then I try to calm myself and talk down my crazy.

I whisper to myself saying:

“Be here now, you glorious badass. Enjoy this moment right now. Don’t take life so seriously. Play with life. Have fun! Enjoy this moment. Enjoy this opportunity. Why are you fretting? It’s going to work out just fine. You don’t have to figure your whole life in a day. You’re fine. It’s fine. It’s all fine. Be excited for this journey! It is going to offer you all the good things you’re looking for. But first, just relax and take it one moment at a time. You got this. I know you do.”

And then I breathe. And then I relax.

And even just writing this put me less in that anxious vibe and more in that hopeful, excited vibe.

 

I still haven’t exactly planned my route to Cali (and I leave in like 6 hours – LOL!) I’m just going to figure it out as I go because I am the world’s WORST planner EVER. The rough draft looks like I’m going to head towards West Virginia as my first destination on the trip and figure out lodging there as well as destination number 2, which I think will be Nashville, Tennessee. 

I guess that’s some kind of plan!

Luckily I have a friend who is tagging along for the ride, and two brains are better than one!

We’ll see what happens. Wish me luck!

Peace.

 

 

 

*image credit to google images… that I then juxtaposed using a collage maker 🙂

No Attachment

I’ve been practicing this new way of being. I am not attaching to my thoughts as often as I used to be, especially not the negative ones.

My mind is usually going on and on about anything and everything. Analyzing, criticizing,  fantasizing all kinds of scenarios, breaking things apart, putting them back together, accessing memories from years back and entertaining ideas about their meanings, projecting myself into the future, rubik’s cubing all the possible scenarios to manipulate outcomes, interpreting external cues and data, attempting to make sense of it all, wondering if I’m being perceived okay and if I fit in or not, worrying about rejection and doom, catastrophizing, rationalizing, compartimentalizing, all over the placealizing, and boy, let me tell you, it’s exhausting!!!

And: #ain’tnobodygotimefordat

I have to LET THIS WAY OF BEING GO!

I don’t live in real time when I live like this. I live in the mind. Lost in a story. Lost in thoughts that are usually negative.

No. No. No. No more!

I want to simply exist. Let whatever thoughts cross my mind but not latch on to them like they’re reality. They’re just thoughts. They are NOT TRUTH.

I don’t have to entertain whatever chatter pops up in my head. Ideas have no power over me unless I start to entertain, accept, attach and believe them. Fuck that noise.

I want to live HERE and PRESENT. Not in some limiting bullshit ass story that is running in my mind.

Nope. Unsubscribe from that party!

——

I’m not yet fully versed in this new way of being yet, though. I’m a newbie at it.

But even as a newbie it’s helping me so much already. I am working on my mental health like I am working on my physical health. My mind is a muscle that I can train just like I can train my body. And I want to train it to serve me, rather than be a servant to it’s loose ramblings.

 

Wish me luck! And good luck to those of you out there practicing the same. You’re a badass and I love you!

❤️

 

Latest Meditations

Meditations:

-You are the one with the answers to your deepest questions. Although you may search for the perspective of others, which can broaden your own, ultimately it is all up to you to decide what is truly best for your path.

-Worrying about the opinions of others makes you insecure and afraid to just stand in your own light. Let it go. Stop worrying about others. Your job is not to make anyone approve of you – your job is to just be and approve of yourself.

-People can’t read your mind. If you want something, say something.

-You have to take action to see results. You can’t just wait around and expect that your dreams will magically fall from the sky. If you want to change something you have to actually take the steps necessary to bring that change into effect. If there is nothing you can do at this very moment, you rest; if there is something you can do at this moment, you do it.

-Complaining drains your energy and doesn’t solve anything. If there is a problem you’re concerned with, focus on the solution. Go straight to the source and express your concerns for the sake of moving forward in a healthy way. Stop wasting energy and time saying the same thing over and over like a broken record.

-Not everyone will like, understand, or accept you. That’s okay. Focus on the people who do. And even if there is no one you can fully count on – count on yourself. You are never alone when you have yourself.

-Be courageous and stand for what you believe in in healthy ways. Kindly and firmly up for yourself. Take actions that will leverage you forward even when they feel scary. Once you begin to move forward you’ll see it’s not so scary – every step will be revealed to you as you move.

-Be patient. Not everything happens instantaneously. Sometimes you have to take one step – wait – one step – wait – one step – wait. Some things are a process. Some things transform faster than others while others may take quite a while. The important thing is that you remain consistent in your part and let the rest fall into place in time.

-Be consistent! You can’t achieve anything great if you do it one day and give up for 5 days. Keep the process. A bucket will eventually overflow when the drips of water are consistent over time.

-Most importantly BE PRESENT. You will miss your whole life if you are running around in your head trying to figure it all out. Be here now. Enjoy this moment. The breeze. The lights. The tastes of food. Whatever it is for you – just experience it. This doesn’t mean “don’t think or analyze at all.” There is a time for everything. There’s a time to think and analyze and figure things out. Thinking steals your life when it’s the only thing you do. Experience your life – don’t be lost in your mind.

-When you feel anxiety breathing deeply really helps. Just focus on your breath and not on anxious thoughts or feelings. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Remind yourself that everything is temporary and that this will pass. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. This will pass.

-You don’t have to try to fit in with others when you know you are clearly different. Be who you are and inspire others. It’s okay to be quirky. It’s okay to be you. There’s enough space for every being. There’s enough space for you to shine. Intelligence conspired together to make the atoms that compose your being. Intelligence inherently knows that your unique expression is needed. You are needed. Be who you are even if it’s different from others. Different is okay. No two atoms are the same. That’s what we need. You.

This is my Life

THE DESTINATION IS THE JOURNEY

This is my life – here, now; sitting and writing this message.

This is my life – here, now; rushing to catch the 2:25 train.

This is my life – here, now; walking up the narrow stairs of my workplace.

This is my life – here, now; brushing my teeth while staring at my image in the mirror.

This is my life – here, now; watching the people go by as the cars ride busily on the cramped New York City streets.

This is my life – here, now; crunching a carrot dipped in creamy, supremely spicy hummus.

This is my life – here, now; listening to my favorite jams while completing an intense cardio workout.

This is my life – here, now; crossed legged, sipping on a cool drink as tender winds play with my senses.

There is no place to run to that is outside  the now. This is your life – here, now. Whatever you are doing here and now – that is the entirety of your life. Life is now. The next moment is no guarantee. The future is not yet come and once it does it will be in the now. The past occurred in the now. All there is is now. All your life is now.

You have already arrived. Don’t frazzle yourself as you race to some end – because this is IT.

#thedestinationisthejourney

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