I want to find the person who feels like my whole world. Someone who makes me feel complete. As if everything else becomes optional because all I need and want is right here with you.
Anywhere with you feels perfect. Traffic? Perfect. The grocery store? Perfect. Walking down the same old street? Perfect.
Some might say “you have to find that in yourself” and sure, Carol, you’re probably right but after finding that in myself I’d love to find that with another too.
I think life feels better when shared. What is the point of having the whole world yet being alone?
—
Life has been such an interesting journey. This morning I was hiking in Idyllwild and for a moment could see fragments of my journey reflected in my minds eye like a movie. I recalled being a child in Brazil. I recalled arriving in the U.S and pretending to string English words together in the mirror. I flashbacked through my life up until this point, standing accomplished on 1900 elevation gain, resting against a rock next to a tall, chubby pine tree whose fine needles glowed elegantly in the sun. The air: cool, crisp, soft, silent. The view – magnificent. As I marveled at the scene I couldn’t help but feel this immense sense of awe for how far I’ve come. What a ride! What a privilege I’ve been given.
Thank you, life. Thank you.
Mmmm. Divine.
But where to from here?
—
Driving out into nature used to be my most favorite experience. Seeing the mountains would make me lose it. Obsessed. Enamored by God’s creations. I could linger forever. While this time around I still felt this sense of wonder, it was certainly dimmed. As if life is expecting something from me that I can’t get away from. Some unfinished business of sorts. Like a summons I keep ignoring. It’s as if this isn’t a season for wandering.
“You’ll be happier once you’ve answered the call.” That was the sense I received.
What call!?
It’s is as if life is asking me to become a different version of myself. It wants me focused. Productive. It wants me in service. But what service?
I feel painfully, yet wonderfully erratic. Volatile.
One day I have a carefully detailed plan, the next I am executing something completely different. It’s like I can’t be contained. I’m an artist. A lover. A dancer in the wind.
I know I want land and a home.
I also want to leave to Italy.
What really matters in the end anyway?
Lately I have been thinking perhaps: experiences.
A breadth and depth of experiences.
Health.
Freedom.
Awe.
Delight.
Magic.
Ahhhh….
Unleash me. Hold me.
I am hard to contain….
And I think I love that about me.
But anyway, back to this world I mentioned in the beginning.
I want it.
I want to just rest on your perfectly strong, warm, cozy shoulders.
You are home.
You are everything.
Lately I’ve been grappling with what actually matters in love and life.
What are we really doing, ya know? What’s the point?
If we don’t figure out the death problem then we’re all going to die. Yet we don’t seem to be talking about that enough. Some say there is an after life. A heaven. A hell. Some say there is nothing. Some say we re-incarnate. Too many different narratives make me unsure what is true.
I’m aging. Time is passing. I’ve already aged since I started this post. We’re all moving. We’re all changing. What is really the point?
Sometimes I want to sell everything and just drive off on the road without a clear destination. This idea sounds cute in theory until I need a bathroom. A shower. A bed. A place to stand and stretch. A kitchen to cook and store food. So maybe what I really want is more adventure, not to sell all my things and go into the road indefinitely. I’ve done multiple cross country road trips. They’re cool but it does get tiring being on the road at times.
Anyway, back to the point.
What matters?
Health seems to matter. If we’re going to exist might as well be in a body that operates well and feels decently good.
Food. Shelter. Connection. And I suppose some kind of purpose.
There is a force moving us forward whether we like it or not. I can’t stay still even if I wanted to. Something is moving me forward. Which begs an even greater question, am I just watching my life happen and have no real but only perceived control over it? Too much of a big question I don’t want to get into at the moment but certainly an interesting one.
Gah.
Experiences. Do they matter? If so, which?
We all have different ideas of what experiences we want. Take motherhood, for example. Not all of us womb holders want to have the motherhood experience. How does one go about deciding what experiences matter?
—
DEEP BREATH IN
DEEP EXHALE OUT
—
Life is both this deeply profound, delicious, juicy nectar I want to soak up while marveling in complete breathtaking awe… AND… an incredibly soul crushing, agonizing, gnawing, bleeding, heartless devastation.
!ROAR!
Roar at this magnificence and this gut wrenching emptiness.
ROAR at this EVERYTHING-NOTHING THING.
WHAT MATTERS?!
Why?
Is it because I took too long?
Because I don’t really wear skirts?
Is it because I’m too nice? Too sweet?
Is it because I don’t move my hips like the other girls do?
Because I’m too small?
Not cool enough?
Too complicated?
Too simple?
Too…?
Is it because the sound of my voice is too young? Naive?
Are you being impatient?
Or did I do something wrong?
I don’t know.
But I release control.
I’ll trust.
I’ll trust the process.
I’ll trust that what is meant to be won’t miss me.
I’ll take my love and gift it to me.
For so long I’ve been placing it everywhere else. I never knew any better. I never knew how to be whole.
And perhaps this is the perfect time to do so.
And perhaps this is about true love.
Perhaps it’s about letting go.
Perhaps it’s about patience.
Perhaps it’s about trust.
I don’t know.
I do know that life is not a guarantee.
I’ve been seeing it more and more right before my eyes.
I feel shook yet still frozen and unable to move.
Because where to from here?
Where to from here?
What really matters in a world where it all just goes?
It all just goes…
So then what about it?
My heart wants to crack open to engulf my whole being with it’s own love, kindness and compassion only to reawaken again unafraid to move forward. Walking in full trust. Knowing that when I take a step in empty space a block will appear to uphold me. I need not worry. I need not fear. Because I know. I know. I know.
A part of me surrenders
A part of me is in the corner fighting and throwing a tantrum
“Why’d you get me so high to leave me solo?”
What even matters anyway?
What to do anyway?
Do I sell it all and travel? Go to Bali? Japan?
Get a car and just go — just go?
Do I stay put and build a foundation?
For what? For what? It all just goes. It all just goes….
So what really matters?
I guess maybe that moment with you.
But it’s all fleeting anyway.
Whatever.
Is the grass greener where you water it? Or is the other side really gonna be better?
I feel like I’ve gone in a big circle
Only to arrive at the same place, almost empty handed
From here it feels like I can still go anywhere
But where to now?
What do I really want?
What actually matters?
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to do?
I don’t know if I want to settle here, or break everything down to go elsewhere.
Perhaps travel and just go where my soul desires.
Should I chase more experiences?
Or stay focused and build solid assets I could rely on in the future?
A mixture of both?
Do I go live in a car for a couple of months and just explore around?
Do I go to Bali and just figure it out from there? Get a yoga certification? Do a silent retreat and heal all my wounds?
Or do I stay put and become more of a power player? Generate more cash, get some land/real estate and settle down for a bit before traveling on?
Do I stop being reasonable and have wild experiences? Just call you at 7 P.M to come over and sneak into your bedroom?
Do I stay a good girl — stop fantasizing about nonsense and just be in one relationship, get married, get the house, get the car and just live a wholesome life with a maxed out ROTH IRA, contributing to the 401k, some stocks and the real estate investment increasing in value?
Do I break up with my partner and then just go on a wild soul search, spend time alone, finally write a book, cry alone every evening and put all my energy into growing a YouTube channel?
Do I release all control and let life surprise me?
Do I let a little more time pass before I make any decisions?
Do I try to do a little bit of everything without making too many extreme choices?
I dunno….
What is it all for anyway?
What’s the point anyway?
What matters anyway?
Is the way we feel more important than the stuff we gain?
Or is being actualized in BOTH feeling and external reality the TRUE crème de la crème?
I gotta be honest with you, I want both.
I want to feel fulfilled internally and externally. Right now I feel like I am half full. I still have some way to go.
Some say I should just be happy with the journey. “The journey is the prize” is what I heard today.
And man, that resonated. THIS moment is all we ever have. We gotta find the joy in the present. Not in some future.
BUT I FUCKING KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING MORE AND HIGHER HERE FOR ME
I keep searching and yearning for it
and then judging myself for not “enjoying the journey” because I want to get THERE so bad
but perhaps the real pain is in judging myself for wanting — I can WANT and let it be that my present is indulging in the feeling desire
There is something quite titillating about being in desire – being in wanting — but not in the sense of lack (because when we are lacking, it doesn’t feel good: ie. lacking food/lacking resources)
I’m talking about the type of desire that is on the upper floor of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Anyway, I’m digressing.
What am I even saying?
Gosh, I deeeeeply desire to transcend my current playing field. I want to be vibrating at a higher frequency. I want to feel greater heights of pleasure. Joy. Beauty. Abundance. Peace. Support. Connection. Love. And from this FULL ASS FUCKING CUP, I want to give back to everything I could touch.
But how do I get there?
I don’t know. I’m still on the journey to find out.
——–
Today I met with a special someone. Someone with beautiful eyes and a sweet soul.
For a second I had this sense of what it would look like to achieve the goal. To achieve the things I’m after and for it all to materialize and actualize. And it felt both beautiful and also like “aw, it’s the end of the book.” The end of the story.
You ever get to the end of a movie/book/show and you’re both amazed but also kinda sad that now it’s over? Yeah. That’s what it felt like.
So now I’m on this vibe that I should enjoy the journey more and be less focused on the destination.
But, I don’t know what to prioritize at the moment — you know?
What actually does matter?
Sigh.
Will you give me a clue?
Damn, this was a long one. If you’re still here — you’re the real MVP. You are the one I have dreamed of writing for. Thank you.
Cheers to our biggest, boldest, wildest, most beautiful, exhilarating life!
For a moment I closed my eyes and I could see it…
True peace
True health
True well-being
Safety
A deep knowing of it all being okay
Feeling connected
Cared for
Loved
This is how we should be living
Not in fear, scarcity, pay-check to pay-check
There are moments where I feel so much certainty over the plan of God over our lives.
That we are meant to be well. We are meant for havingness, abundance, freedom, joy, connection, love, peace. This is where we are meant to be living from.
Deep down I feel like I know this to be true to my core.
I can hear it in the music.
I can picture it in my mind.
Why have we gone so astray?
I feel so small in the face of it all. It’s so noisy sometimes I can’t find who I am. I can’t hear my own voice. I can’t tell if you’re really there.
God I thought you were real. I thought you were there. I thought you cared. I thought we mattered. Don’t let the world suffer.
“This world is full of shit, you live and then you don’t exist”
https://soundcloud.com/spacejesus/exist-feat-shape
There’s this battle going on inside me
There’s this version of me that is trying to birth to life
She is such a badass leader
She speaks her mind
She claims what she wants
She inspires the world
She says it like it is
She calls out the bullshit
She leads for the good of the people
For protection of the land
For nature
For peace
For love
For joy
For abundance
For freedom
For health
She reminds you of your calling
She calls you out when you’re playing small
She pulls the small out of you and helps you see your BIGNESS
Your power
Your worth
Your potential
She isn’t afraid to fully express herself
To learn, to be willing to listen and admit where she is wrong
To confess when she fails and errs
To apologize for her humanity and do better next time and mean it
To come back stronger
To be kind
and then…
There is another version that is like, why do you even want to do that for?
Can’t you just be a normal person?
No one cares anyway
Just be normal and live a normal life and stop with this dilusion
What is it all for anyway?
Plus, why do you have to be so intense?
Why can’t you just do and be something simple?
Why does it have to be this grandiose thing?
Why does it have to be some life altering purpose, rather than some simple basic thing?
It won’t even matter in the end anyway.
——————————————
I don’t know, even writing this feels stupid.
_____________________________________
We exist.
What is it all for?
What are we doing here?
Some days I get tired of it all.
I get lost in it all.
I just want a simple life and for things to be good. Why is it so complicated to just live simply and in peace, health and joy? To have a good time and enjoy this experience.
Don’t you want the same?
Then why don’t we come together to create it.
——–
Perhaps it’s all to do with the inside rather than out.
But no… it’s kinda both.
You gotta have both.
I’m getting ready for a move which has me cleaning out closets, old papers, old boxes
Downsizing even further
Letting go of old clothes
Yet still holding on to old stuff I can’t seem to let go of (letters, journals, photos, a bunch of cables with different random plugs maybe someday I’ll need. You know, the type of stuff you keep in the junk box).
And then there is all this paper of stuff that used to matter but no longer matter
the stuff that once was soooo important but now it‘s going in the trash
and that’s the crazy thing about life
The important eventually becomes unimportant.
We stress so much over life but eventually none of it will matter
which isn’t to say become apathetic about it, but just notice where you’re overly stressing
Live with less self imposed pressure
enjoy life without overly stressing
find more grace in the journey
-breathe-
sigh
anyway…
I feel like I’m changing
in ways I can’t even yet understand
I’m excited and ready for the change
like I’m ready to be this damn butterfly I’ve been waiting to be
but at the same time it still feels like I have some ways to go
some learning to do
so let me take a page from my own book and learn to trust the process
I wish I was normal
That I didn’t think so deep or care so much or feel paralyzed at times by the weight of it all
Grappling with my limitations and feeling incapable of resolving it all
I wish I could just take selfies on the beach and not care that we consume so much plastic that it impacts our oceans
That there are people who are hungry
That there is so much lack of knowledge among people still
When I think about it all I just wanna run away and hide
Where do I even start?
It can be so overwhelmimg
If I can at least solve one major problem that would be great
I guess I’ll start small
and this is what I’ve been reflecting deeply on
What the fuck am I doing with my time and my life?
I sometimes don’t even see the point of it
But if there was one purpose I think makes most sense is that the best thing we can do with our time is to make the best of it
and I don’t mean the best of it in the sense of just getting by trying to make the best of shitty things, I mean truly put our efforts to make this the best world it can possibly fucking be
Because why not make something amazing? Something beautiful. Something we can all look at and just say Wow. WOW. We’re all truly happy and grateful that we are here and that we have chosen to put our efforts to design a wonderful world.
This is our BEST because we are giving our best to this world. Even if your best is shitty, at least fucking try. It adds up when we all pull our weight and do our part to make this a better world for all the life it holds.
Hmm…what a wonderful world
reflectoutloud.com 