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self-worth

Open?

So far in my life all of my romantic relationships have lasted an average of like 3 years…

I have learned that just because something isn’t “forever” or for a lifetime doesn’t mean that it isn’t meaningful. Relationships don’t have to last a lifetime in order for them to be beautiful, important, and exactly what we needed them to be while they lasted.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of open relationships…

Would I ever want a dynamic like this?

Right now I’m in a place in life where for the first time ever I don’t want a relationship

I’ve been in and out of relationships since I was like 16 years old
I’m 33 now

Don’t you think it’s time for me to just be at PEACE on my own without needing to be with another?
I think it’s much needed

Like, who am?
What do I like?
And if I’m loud who cares — I don’t need your approval
This is my face, this is my body, this is my personality — TA DA
(Not saying this in an arrogant “my way or the high way, I don’t need nobody and don’t make compromises” typa way) I’m saying this in a more gentle “I accept myself and your acceptance is great but not needed for me to feel okay” typa way…

I feel like I’m in a time where I finally just want to focus all of my attention on me (and what a relief to get to this point, because I’ve been trying to find the “right” boy since I basically came out of the womb)

but I am wondering… If I ever do decide to lay my attention on another again, could I ever really be with just ONE person — for the rest of my life?

I don’t know

Right now I am feeling open
Open to exploring
Open to allowing things to unfold without needing to pin them down or make them into anything

I am open to BEING…

The other day I kissed a girl
There’s that

I feel like there’s a world inside me on the topic of self worth, value and relationships I want to share with you soon…. but for today I’ll just leave it at this, open ended






Changes

It amazes me how quickly things can change.
How a moment ago we were laughing and holding each other only to never speak again. Would it have felt different if I knew it’d be the last time I’d see you?

I am having a hard time coping with parts of my life’s unfolding. My aging face. My thinning hair. My changing body. My desire to be somewhere further along.
I’m having a hard time with loss. Loss of identity. Loss of youth. Loss of health. Loss of people. Loss of possessions. Loss of status.

I know there is only so much I can do externally to keep it all together. I know that I have to learn to gracefully accept what I cannot change and stop resisting what I can’t control. But it sucks. Damn, does it suck. Why can’t things just work and be my way? Why does it have to be so difficult?

Part of my struggle is internal. Because I cannot sit comfortably with the way things are. Because I tell myself a negative story about my external situation and assign a negative meaning to what is happening to me.

I know that if I want to experience lasting inner peace and satisfaction I have to commit to being kind to myself. I must commit to seeing myself as beautiful, worthy, enough, complete, deserving, lovable and ultimately safe regardless of my external situation.

I’ve started to do EFT – an acupressure form of therapy that helps heal emotional wounds created by excessive patterns of negative thinking. I like to watch and follow along to Brad Yate’s videos. I’ll share a link here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Ua7T01cdY

I am also working to exercise some faith. Faith that even though things may not be completely the way I want them to be right now, that in time, they will be.
Work in progress.
 

 

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