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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

Tag

space

Timing

I am trying to trust.

*Keyword*, trying.

I’ve freaked out in the past. I’ve worried in the past. And literally everything worked out somehow.

I want to be at step 53949 but I’m at step like 89.

And when I tune in to my hard little head the gentle whisper of the universe just says, “breathe.” “Patience.”

And I’m like, “What!? What do you mean breathe?? Patience?? Don’t you see I need this figured out or else I am doomed?”

There are days where I am so confident about it all. Days where it feels like “Duh. Obviously it’ll work out.” And days where I am like, “Guess I’ll just end up old, broke, and alone.”

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I’ve done a decent job at being fairly stupid. At having an opportunity to be more advanced in my career and finances than where I am now.

Then I rationalize that “Everything happens for a reason.” Or that “I am exactly where I am supposed to be.” Or “I’ve taken a detour so I can become who I was destined to be.”

Blah. Blah. Blah. All the bullshit I need to tell myself so that I don’t feel so horrible about my poor decisions.

Maybe I am too hard on myself. Or maybe I am not hard enough.

Honestly, sometimes I am just downright lazy.

And sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit.

Whatever.

I don’t want to make this another one of those posts where I just complain to you about everything.

When I stop with the tales of woe I can actually see the truth of how privileged and lucky I am.

I live in one of the most beautiful places in a privileged country. I have access to good, organic food and clean water. I have amazing, supportive friends. I have family who care for me. What the fuck do I have to complain about?

This post was supposed to be about timing, as you can see by the title above.

So let me touch upon that for a sec.

I exist. There is something rather than nothing. There is a force operating on the atoms within reality. This force is called time. Today, as we know it, is May 13th 2019. It’s 2:33 P.M in San Diego, California where I am currently existing. Out of all the possibilities in this possibly infinite universe I was made to exist here in this moment. And for what purpose? And to what end?

I don’t fucking know. To sit here and write this message, I guess. And maybe, possibly, to inspire the world.

 

*image credit to google images. Don’t sue me white dude for using your face, please.

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8/27/2018 First Morning Thoughts

I just woke up around 11:08 AM. I slept a lot and dreamt a few dreams that right now I vaguely remember. And this below are the first thoughts that came through me upon awakening:

I have my own agenda and I don’t think that’s evil.

I have my own interests and I don’t think that’s bad.

I hold my own space and that is not bad.

I am here too.

I deserve too.

I have rights too.

My needs matter too.

My wants matter too.

And that is not a selfish thing, that is a natural right of being.

It is not selfish to take care of myself. 

It is not selfish to say “Hey, I have needs and I want to take care of them” and not by anyone’s expense but through the natural order of things. 

I belong too.

I matter too. 

My thoughts, my feelings, my opinions matter too. And they don’t have to matter to you, like yours don’t need to matter to me. I’ll respect yours and I ask that you respect mine, and that is all. 

 

 

*image credit to enchantingminds.net

Comfortable With Silence

It’s beautiful to stand here in this moment and simply exist with you. 
Why do we feel like we need to fill space with conversation all the time?
Quiet elevator rides aren’t awkward. They’re an opportunity for us to share a space and just exist without having to say anything.
Why can’t we just be in silence without feeling pressure to have a conversation?
Why can’t we just co-inhabit this space?
Silence isn’t awkward. It’s beautiful. And I don’t mind just sharing this space with you.

Want Not to Want

I want to be a dream.
I want to morph.
I want to be light.
I want to make love to you,
and to seduce you.
Then walk away –
and run wildly back into your arms
because my absence never fazed you.

I want to be beautiful like the models on TV.
Not just this average beauty. This “We’re all beautiful in our own way” kind of beauty.
But truly stunning. You can’t get your eyes off stunning.

I want to be beautiful on the inside too – because that’ll make me even more beautiful.
Inside and out. Not just one or the other – both. Not just average but whatever comes right before perfect if perfect isn’t an option.

Then I want to be alone. Alone to love myself. Alone to be perfect – whatever that means to me because what it means to me is always enough when I don’t need you; when I don’t want you.

But then I want to see you. You who is almost perfect. And I want to love you. And then I want to leave you because your imperfection bothers me. Because I want to feel superior – and actually be superior. Not just in theory. Not some narcissism. In truth and in every way better and more perfect than you.

Then I want to cry and feel sorry for myself. Sorry and guilty for ever wanting to be better. And for actually being better.

Then I will humble myself. I will be imperfect. You will have all the right to shine, even brighter than I. You will have right to be anything you desire because you deserve a chance if the game is to be fair and foolproof. This will be the way to prove that I am not necessary. To prove that I am creation and that perfection is irrespective of me even though it is me — it is you. This is the way it’s been all along.

Everything will be fair. Balanced. And it’ll be utterly boring to the wise. Utterly predictable. All it will mean is that everything is possible. And what’s the fun in that? You will know all the answers and pretend not to know. And for what end? Just to live out stories. Stories after stories. And so it will be. I’ll live my story. You live yours. We live ours. And so on ad infinitum.

Then I want to find – I don’t even know what I’d like to find after all that.
It’s never enough because the story never ends. The end is the continuous search because there’s always more. There are no limits. There’s always more. There’s always more. There’s always more.

What satisfies me is to forget. Forget all of it. Forget the stories. Forget you. Forget me. Forget life. Forget all realms.
The black screen forever. Pure nothing. Finally I can rest. This is my favorite place to be. At rest. Not in some point in time telling stories after stories. Not living story after story. But Here. Beyond the Silence. In the Eternal. In the nothing. As nothing. For nothing. Through nothing.

Because only when I am nothing I do not want. Only when I am nothing I am truly perfect.

In being nothing there is nothing I could ever fall short of. There is nothing to miss- nothing to lack – nothing to need – nothing to want.
To not exist is better than to exist.
Because in non-existence there is no such thing as better. Nothing wrong. Nothing right. Literally nothing.

Nothing.

Mmmm. Perfect.

But I cannot convince you of this. It would just be another story. My position versus your position and vice versa as it always is in this dimension of reality. You must come to know it yourself – through yourself, for yourself.

Meet me in the nothing. I’ll be waiting for you. Let’s be together as none again.

And when we are done, if ever, we can always come out and play again. After all, even though I hate your never ending stories, I love you enough to listen.

“See” you there.

 

Astral Projection

I want to know. Not just through intellect and feelings, but by experience, indeed.

For the last week or so I’ve been on a mission to explore more of my consciousness and discover for myself dimensions beyond our regular day to day reality. I’ve listened to a few instructional videos on how to Astral Project and decided to give it a try. The first numerous times I’ve tried it the only result I came across was falling asleep. “Damn it! I fell asleep again!” I’d comically say to myself. And with much excitement I’d go to bed every night looking forward to having an out of body experience.

This morning, after being sweetly awakened by my partner’s goodbye kiss, I decided to give the whole Astral Projection thing another go. I closed my eyes and focused my attention on my third eye spot. I eventually dozed into a light sleep and even started to dream a little. I was in an in between state where I felt half awake and half asleep. Suddenly, to my surprise, I started to feel my body gently tingling as I hear a voice clearly direct me to “Let go of your limbs. Let go of your hands. Let go of your feet.”
I then started to feel what I assume is my astral body rise from my physical body. It was as if I had become light mixed with air – or perhaps a spirit – I’m not sure how to identify it.
I also saw other people rising as well but only for a brief moment. I then start to hear this beautiful, harmonious music and as I hear it I cannot help but feel this immense bliss overtake my entire being. I see a reflection of what I recognized to be my higher self smiling joyfully and I could not believe that that was me feeling this much peace and happiness. I remember thinking “Wow, there is no joy on Earth like this joy.” As I gazed upon my higher self I was marveled by how confident I was in my own light just swirling in space to this awe inspiring music. I felt myself rising higher and higher. I felt like I was one with the space I took up as my entire self was uninhibitedly flowing in a sea of utter bliss. It was amazing, folks. I then have the thought “I want to move my legs,” but I was aware that if I moved my legs it would all be over. As I have that thought my elevated body gracefully descends into my physical body. I then open my physical eyes and move my legs.

I was a little sad that I didn’t stay longer to experience more of the environment I was elevated to, but I was also super excited by this experience! I woke up thinking “Wow! I can’t believe this happened!”
Having experienced a glimpse of what our consciousness is capable of achieving, I am pumped to continue to explore and have even more empowering experiences.

I am interested in further exploring this phenomenon to see how my experience develops with time. I look forward to seeing more and sharing more.

More updates on this topic to come!

Much love y’all.

A Few Words on Conditioning

And so you’re born. Welcome.

You are given a name.
You are placed in the care of people.
These people also have names. They have beliefs, ideas, language, culture, tradition, a level of education, possessions, habits, behaviors and their interpretation of the world.
They teach you the world as it is known to them.
They will teach you how to use your mouth to refer to objects.

Say, “Mama.” 
-Mama
Say, “Dada.”
-Dada.
Say, “Cup”
-Cup.

Next thing you know you can use your biologically developed vocal chords to produce sounds to represent externally perceived objects.
As you age your concepts become more complex.
“My mama is in the market.”
“My dada is reading the newspaper.”
“The cup is on the table.”

You are taught the ideas of the people raising you.
“No! It’s not nice to use your hands to eat. Use the spoon.”
“You have to pray before eating your food, God is watching you.”

You begin to be shaped by the information given to you by those who raised you.

Then you go out into the world. You perceive new people. New places.
These new people have different ideas from those who have raised you.
“What do you mean you have to pray before you eat? There is no such thing as God!”
“Yes there is. My moma and dada told me there is so. I believe them. They wouldn’t lie to me.”

Now you have conflicting ideas.
You are exposed to more modes of thinking. You are exposed to new experiences which you never thought possible.

Everything you engage with at any time is molding you. Changing you. Making you.

Then you realize that you are more than your experiences.
“My mama told me that I am Tom. But is that really who I am?”

You might have a name that was given to you. But that’s just a sound. A sound in which we use to communicate among ourselves in order to reference points in space.
You are not your name.
You are not your beliefs.
You are not the voices in your head.
You are not a label.

You are life.
You are breath.
You are consciousness.

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