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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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We become so enraptured in our stories, in our own little world, that we lose sight of the bigger picture.

We think that a change in our reality means our world is falling apart. We sometimes grow hopeless. We become discouraged.

As if there wasn’t an entire universe still left to be embraced.

We are made to be resilient. Survival is our natural instinct.

When it feels like the world is falling apart take a moment to simply breathe. To pause. To zoom out from looking at the situation under a microscope. To remember that there is still so much available to you. That the universe hasn’t  gone anywhere; it’s still here. There is still more for you.

The problem often lies inside our heads. In our imagination. In the file cabinets of our mind where we keep the memories, stories, and cinematics we entertain as so to make sense of things; as so to analyze, interpret, project.

Enough for now. Put the files down.

Breathe.

When we take a step away from being too close to our situation we can find fresh air. New hope. New beginnings. And a bigger reality we’ve too easily forgotten.

 

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Another one of those…Wait for it… Free Writes. Bahaha

Hi. It’s me… again…

Talkin’ bout some shit.

Some real shit. My shit. My bullshit.

Sorry for being vulgar. I didn’t mean to disrespect. I’m just letting what comes to my mind out for you to see.

There is so much I want to tell you but I don’t even know where to begin.

I’ll start by telling you what I’m doing.
Well, writing this, obviously. But I’m also listening to Joel Osteen.

Bringing me back. Back to those days where I “knew” Jesus.

And I put “knew” in quotes because I don’t think I ever really knew him like I know now.
Well, not “know” cuz I don’t know shit.

Which brings me to my other point.

Look, I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing here. Why am I here? What’s the point? I don’t get it.

And if I could get it – meaning if it were possible to KNOW – truly KNOW. Would I want to know? Would it make any difference? Then what? What do we do then? Continue watching Netflix like it’s an average fucking day?

What would happen if  I were to shoot myself in the face. Would it matter? Sorry for being dark. I don’t mean to scare you. I’m just saying why does it matter if I live or die? Really? If there is no point then who cares. You’re all gonna die anyway and it’s gonna be nothing and nothing is gonna matter, so why you getting your panties in a knot about me wanting to shoot myself now?

Not that I do want to. Though I’ve thought about it. Just because there are days where I don’t care.

Although I do care.

Most of the times.

Anyway, enough of this dark bullshit.

I am the happiest I’ve ever been.

And also confused as fuck.

I’m trying to do all these big things but it’s hard to know where to start and then I psyche myself out and become overwhelmed.

Then I cry about it. Complain about it. Read about it. Write about it.

Tell myself not to give up. Take it one day at a time.
Ya know, casual pep talk.

I’m trying to tackle the big fucking questions.

I have this crazy theory about God being good and in control of all things but also not in control. It’s this paradox.

I have these crazy thoughts about heaven. And hell. And the devil.

I like the devil. I probably have mentioned this here somewhere before. Or maybe not, I can’t recall.

But not the devil in terms of evil, even though I believe there is a place for everything – including evil.

The devil in terms of the dude who had courage to stand up to God and be like, SUP? I want a piece of this shit. Why we all gotta do what you say? Why can’t I just do my own thing. Why you getting all upset? Why do you wanna hog the whole chair and not let anyone else sit on it? Why are you being greedy for? Why are you trying to send me to some fiery pit just because I don’t agree with you? Why can’t we just get along? Why can’t I do me and you do you? Why it always gotta be your way? I get it. Cool. Your way is sick, bro. You got some amazing things going on here and it’s all beautiful and perfect, but why cant I just go over here and do what I want? What if I don’t want this bullshit? What if  I wanna, I dunno… maybe smoke some weed and fuck bitches? Hahaha, just kidding. I don’t really want to, but maybe I do and if I do why you gotta get all upset about it? We’re all in agreement here. I’m not taking anyone’s will like you’re taking mine. WTF. Is this love? Is this what you call love? This possessive, aggressive shit? And then you got the balls to act like I’m the one who’s trying to take people over and make them do things they don’t really want to? I dunno, man. I dunno. Something’s not quite right about this. You want to fight about it and create this whole war and act like I’m the bad guy when all I ever asked was just to be free. To be free to be me. To be free to be you, with you, I dunno, whatever. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I’m getting so confused. But I really don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to be hurt either. I don’t wanna hurt people and places and things. I would rather not even exist. I didn’t ask to be here, did I? When did I ask to be here? Did you make me? You made me right? Don’t you know everything? Aren’t you “GOD.” I’m sorry for disrespecting you by putting your name in quotes and shit, but really, aren’t you supposed to know EVERYTHING? And if so, didn’t you know that this is who I’d be? And if so why are you trippin’? You fucking made me this way. Why? So you could throw me into some fiery pit? Ain’t that some fucked up shit? It is if you ask me. But what do I know? I’m just some evil mother fucker for having an opinion, I guess. Look. I just want this fight to be over so we could all be at peace and I could just go on about my business and like not give a fuck.
Or I dunno. I don’t know the point of all this. I’m tired. Yeah I wanna have fun and see the sun and do things and listen to music, but whatever I could do without it at the end of the day, really. I’m just cool with not existing, honestly. Cuz then it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, really. Not even you. But I want to not exist on my own terms. Which is some crazy thought. So crazy to think about a life without you. Without me. Without anything. But only for me, ya’ll can continue to do whatever ya’ll want. I dunno. Maybe we could have both. Maybe we could have something beautiful. Something beyond belief. Something so beautiful we’re trippin’ out ourselves, like WHAT THE FUCK, dude, this is amazing. Like I can’t even believe it type thing. I dunno. Now I’m just talkin’ shit. Talkin’ out loud. Which is how this whole thing started anyway. Okay. That’s enough. I’m gonna go on about my day and be a fucking human. And do whatever humans do. This human. My human. you.

WHOA.

what the fuck. I dunno what that was.
I mean, I do. Those are my goddam thoughts. Out loud, bitches. For you to see.

For you to hear. For you to do whatever you want with it. I guess. I’m scared. I’m scared something really bad is going to happen to me. And that I can’t avoid it. And that would suck. for me. But I really hope nothing bad happens. Because all I want is love. All I want is peace. All I want is to be happy. And I want that for you too. I would never hurt you. I mean, I probably would because honestly I’m evil and I’m not ashamed when I’m in my ego and really want to destroy everything and everyone including myself. But that’s fucked up. And it’s stupid. And it’s just angry and dumb. And I’m over it. I just know that I would never in my right mind ever want to hurt anyone on purpose for good. Because I wouldn’t want that to be done to me. And sure, it’s selfish to say that I wouldn’t do it to you only because I wouldn’t want it to be done to me. But that’s the truth, man. I don’t want that. And if I don’t want it why would I want that for you? Only if I was some real evil motherfucker who didn’t give a fuck and who just truly didn’t care. And maybe I don’t care. But not to that extent. Not to that level. But, that’s just me though.

Okay. I’m going to end this here because it’s gotten out of control and it’s a sick mess.

But I’ll tell you where it’s coming from.
It’s coming from these roots that were instilled in me at a very young age about good, evil. heaven, hell, right, wrong, bla bla bla. I’m just trying to get to the root of it, heal it, and have a good life. I’m tired of hearing people tell me I’m going to hell. Or that anyone is going to hell. Fuck that. But seriously, guys, I don’t want there to be a hell. That shit’s wack.

okay. bye.

whatever.

I’m going to leave this unedited.

(Minus a few spelling mistake I caught in the original… and this sentence)

Just Venting… Out Loud

You ever just play old songs you’d listen to back in your teenage years and get bombarded by memories of your upbringing?

I’m reliving the past in the present through music.

My heart grows heavy. 

I remember being little always wanting to get away. Grow up. Be on my own.

Well, here I am…

I do love my freedom.

But what have I done with it?

I am building more clarity as each day unfolds. 
My biggest issue is around my angst to already be where I want to be.
Things are not happening fast enough. Not happening in my timing. 

It feels like I am sitting in dead stop traffic, occasionally being able to move forward at about 5 miles per hour. 

*Breathes*

I know I just have to be patient. 

It’s a time of learning to wait.

[crosses arms and throws tantrum]

Yes. I’m going to complain about it.
But only for a little bit. 

To get it out. 
Because I need to acknowledge my feelings.
I need to say “I feel FRUSTRATED…. and it’s okay.”
 

I also know that my feelings aren’t necessarily accurate. I just sometimes grow extreme and get in my head becoming blinded by emotions that block my better reason.  It FEELS like I am getting nowhere, but in reality I’ve accomplished so much. I’ve come so far. This is what I need to acknowledge so that I don’t dig myself into a hole that FEELS otherwise. Just because something feels a certain way doesn’t mean it’s true.  Feelings come and go. 

Right now I need more: Patience. Trust. Faith.

Trust is another big lesson for me. 

*Breathes*

Letting go of control.

*Breathes*

Doing what I can do. Letting go of the rest.

I know it’ll get better. 
I just wish better was today.

*BREATHES*
*SIGHS*

Okay. I’ve complained. I’ve pouted. I threw my little tantrum.

Now I’m gonna roll up my sleeves and get back to it.

[turns old sappy music off] 

*image credit to me.me

What If…

What if…🤔

What if the universe is actually on your side.
What if for once you let go of your fears and believed that you are supported. That you are loved. That people appreciate and want to spend time with you.
What if you just breathe into trust.
What if you turned every negative thought around.
You control the narrative in your head. So what if you told yourself a beautiful, empowering story instead of a sad, debilitating one?
Do you think you’d be happier if you did?
Do you think you could do it?
Try this experiment with me.
Next time choose to believe the best possible thought.

No Attachment

I’ve been practicing this new way of being. I am not attaching to my thoughts as often as I used to be, especially not the negative ones.

My mind is usually going on and on about anything and everything. Analyzing, criticizing,  fantasizing all kinds of scenarios, breaking things apart, putting them back together, accessing memories from years back and entertaining ideas about their meanings, projecting myself into the future, rubik’s cubing all the possible scenarios to manipulate outcomes, interpreting external cues and data, attempting to make sense of it all, wondering if I’m being perceived okay and if I fit in or not, worrying about rejection and doom, catastrophizing, rationalizing, compartimentalizing, all over the placealizing, and boy, let me tell you, it’s exhausting!!!

And: #ain’tnobodygotimefordat

I have to LET THIS WAY OF BEING GO!

I don’t live in real time when I live like this. I live in the mind. Lost in a story. Lost in thoughts that are usually negative.

No. No. No. No more!

I want to simply exist. Let whatever thoughts cross my mind but not latch on to them like they’re reality. They’re just thoughts. They are NOT TRUTH.

I don’t have to entertain whatever chatter pops up in my head. Ideas have no power over me unless I start to entertain, accept, attach and believe them. Fuck that noise.

I want to live HERE and PRESENT. Not in some limiting bullshit ass story that is running in my mind.

Nope. Unsubscribe from that party!

——

I’m not yet fully versed in this new way of being yet, though. I’m a newbie at it.

But even as a newbie it’s helping me so much already. I am working on my mental health like I am working on my physical health. My mind is a muscle that I can train just like I can train my body. And I want to train it to serve me, rather than be a servant to it’s loose ramblings.

 

Wish me luck! And good luck to those of you out there practicing the same. You’re a badass and I love you!

❤️

 

Breathe. Be Here. Be Present.

I think a lot. A lot.

I realize that most of my thinking hinders my ability to simply experience the beauty of the present moment. The sounds. The smells. The colors. The joy of being part of the eternal now.

My thoughts give rise to my emotions, which gives rise to more thoughts, and circles endlessly.
When I interrupt my thinking mind I feel peaceful. I don’t project myself into the future or wallow in my past or my fears.
Letting the thoughts just play like a song on a radio allows me to be the observer of the thoughts without identifying or giving them more energy to persist.

When I let my thoughts carry me away like the mighty waves of an ocean, I lose myself in my mind. I drown. I start to believe my limiting thoughts are my reality. I play and replay scenarios in my head. I remember the past. I rehearse for the future. I replay all my fears. I analyze. Overthink. I beat an idea down over and over until I am overwhelmed and uneasy.

Then I remember  I have a choice. I can either live in my head or live in the moment. Do I live in the mental stories or do I actually live? The stories make me feel good or make me feel bad, or something in between. The stories do not provide lasting peace as they are always changing, analyzing, criticizing, judging.

Regret. Fear. Anxiety. Love. Nostalgia. Guilt. Shame. Sadness. Pride. Creativity. My myriad of emotions. It’s all tossed in my head like a salad.

Then I chose to take a seat. I just sit there and watch the thoughts. I watch them until they are done rising and sinking. I let them ride but I don’t join. I actively interrupt the thoughts by commanding myself to “Be here. Be present.” I take deep breaths and focus on the feeling of the air filling my lungs and then releasing.

In…
Out…
In…
Out…
Be here.
Be present.
In…
Out…
In…
Out…
Be here.
Be present.

My mind becomes quiet. I am brought back to the present moment where everything is ok. The colors penetrate my eyes. The smells dance in my nostrils. The sounds tickle my ears. The air makes sweet love to my lungs. I am well. I am here. I am not identified with the stories in my head. I am not my memories. I am not projecting myself into the future. I am not trying to control. I am not trying to do more, be more, have more to prove some point to myself or the world. I just am. I just am this living being who is settled in peace, inner stillness and soothing joy.

Rumination

Rumination, (thinking deeply about the same thing over and over again) is helpful in the sense that it reminds you of some unresolved issue. However, rumination can be detrimental to your wellbeing because it inhibits you from letting go and healing. Picking at the same old wound will never allow it to heal. Replaying the same old story in your head will keep you stuck like a CD with a scratch on it. You can’t move forward and grow if your mind is stuck on what happened two years ago. Letting go of the story in your head will allow you to begin to unburden yourself and become free of limiting thoughts that keep causing you pain in the present moment.

It can be hard to let go of the story in our head when we have become so identified with it. It is like a little piece of us. We think something like, “I will never forget the mean comment Jane made about me.” And then you keep thinking about Jane and her comment over and over again because you have chosen to commit to the thought that “I will never forget the mean comment Jane made about me.”

Holding on to the mean comment Jane made about you is not in any way serving you in a positive manner. What good is it doing to your mind, body, heart and overall wellbeing? None.

Let go.

So how do we let go of our limiting thoughts?

Practice non-attachment. When a repetitive thought comes to your mind, don’t feed the thought. Don’t become identified with it. Allow it to just pass through you. The thought will die if you do not feed it further energy. If you let the thought pass through you like a cloud or the wind, it’ll just pass without affecting you. Recognize that you are not your thoughts – you have thoughts, but you are not the thoughts. You are the awareness of your thoughts. Use your awareness to shine light on repetitive thoughts and realize “Oh, hey, there goes that bad thought again. I will just let it pass because this thought is not who I am.”

You can also practice meditation, which is getting the mind to become totally still. It quiets the analytical voice that is always playing in your head. You don’t have to meditate for long periods at a time. Even 10 seconds can help you become still. Start small. Focus on your breath. Breathing deeply calms your heart rate and brings your body to a state of relaxation. You can do this anywhere at any time. We all have at least 10 seconds to dedicate to our wellbeing.

Practice affirming rituals that remind you of who you are. When repetitive thoughts arise, interrupt them with affirming thoughts like:

I am consciousness.
I am in control of my thoughts.
I let go of old limiting thoughts.
I let go of painful memories.
I release all that does not serve me.
I am free.

You can repeat that to yourself like a mantra as many times as necessary until your mind becomes refocused on the truth of who you really are! You are life itself. You are not a scratched CD. You are not a song on replay. You are not your memories. You have memories, but underneath those memories you are pure consciousness first.
May you find peace in letting go.

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